October 22, 2008

Funny Quotes you may not have heard of!

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
- Homer Simpson -

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
- Mae West -

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx -

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
- Woody Allen -

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns -

Never give a sucker an even break.
- W. C. Fields -

Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning.
- George W Bush -

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
- Jeanne-Marie Roland -

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
- Mark Twain -

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde -

I never drink water, because fish fuck in it.
-W.C.Fields -

A letter from a husband to his wife

Dear Wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

•54 times the sheets were just cleaned

•17 times it was too late

•49 times you were too tired

•20 times it was too hot

•15 times you pretended to be sleep

•22 times you had a headache

•17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

•16 times you said you were too sore

•12 times it was the wrong time of the month

•19 times you had to get up early

•9 times you said you weren’t in the mood

•7 times you had the flu

•6 times you were watching "Sirasa Dancing Star."

•5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo

•3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

•9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

•6 times you just lay there

•8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling

•4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

•7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

•1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

Famous quotes that are evocative of the present situation in Sri Lanka

They say that Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel! In my opinion, patriotism and war is the last and only refuge of the President, as he is clueless as to how to manage the economy. The only bait he can dangle at the gullible majority is a few military victories that seem to be endlessly won in the government media!

The Government keeps talking about patriotism and how people should join hands to defeat terrorism! Patriotism is when love of your own people comes first; nationalism, when hate for people other than your own comes first.

Given below are a few famous quotes that hopefully will jog the minds of the blind patriots of Sri Lanka!

"Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."
~ Julius Caesar ~

"Why of course the people don't want war ... But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship ... Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger."
~ Hermann Goering, Nazi leader, at the Nuremberg Trials after World War II ~

"The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth becomes the greatest enemy of the state."
~ Dr. Joseph M. Goebbels - Hitler's propaganda minister ~

"All propaganda has to be popular and has to adapt its spiritual level to the perception of the least intelligent of those towards whom it intends to direct itself."
~ Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf ("My Struggle"), Vol. I ~

"The great masses of people will more easily fall victims to a big lie than to a small one, especially if it is repeated over and over."
~ Adolf Hitler ~

"Terrorism is the best political weapon for nothing drives people harder than a fear of sudden death."
~ Adolf Hitler ~

"The victor will never be asked if he told the truth"
~ Adolf Hitler ~

"How fortunate for governments that the people they administer don't think."
~ Adolf Hitler ~

"Any excuse will serve a tyrant."
~Aesop ~

"They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for one’s country. But in modern war, there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason."
~ Ernest Hemingway ~

"No weapon has ever settled a moral problem. It can impose a solution but it cannot guarantee it to be a just one."
~ Ernest Hemingway ~

"The 1st panacea of a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the 2nd is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; a permanent ruin."
~ Ernest Hemingway ~

"The government is merely a servant… merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them."
~ Mark Twain ~

"I want to know who the men in the shadows are. I want to hear somebody asking them why they can be counted on to tell us who our enemies are, but they're never the ones to fight and to die."
~ Jackson Browne ~

"If my soldiers were to begin to think, not one of them would remain in the army."
~ Frederick the Great ~

"During times of war, hatred becomes quite respectable, even though it has to masquerade often under the guise of patriotism."
~ Howard Thurman ~

"Victory attained by violence is tantamount to a defeat, for it is momentary."
~ Mahatma Gandhi ~

"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency. Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it."
~ General Douglas MacArthur ~

"Liberty has never come from government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of government. The history of liberty is a history of resistance. The history of liberty is a history of limitations of government power, not the increase of it."
~ Woodrow Wilson, President of the United States ~

"This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it."
~ Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States ~

"A country whose leader has the power to imprison any citizen, on his order alone, and hold them indefinitely, in military custody, without access to the courts, without a lawyer, without any charges, their fate determined solely by the leader's arbitrary whim -- that country is a tyranny, not a democracy, not a republic, not a union of free citizens."
~ Chris Floyd, The Moscow Times ~

"The tyrant, who in order to hold his power, suppresses every superiority, does away with good men, forbids education and light, controls every movement of the citizens and, keeping them under a perpetual servitude, wants them to grow accustomed to baseness and cowardice, has his spies everywhere to listen to what is said in the meetings, and spreads dissension and calumny among the citizens and impoverishes them, is obliged to make war in order to keep his subjects occupied and impose on them permanent need of a chief."
~ Aristotle ~

"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible make violent revolution inevitable."
~ John F. Kennedy, President of the United States ~

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities."
~ Voltaire ~

Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.
~Albert Einstein ~

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing."
~Albert Einstein ~

"It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder."
~Albert Einstein ~

"Nothing will end war unless the people themselves refuse to go to war."
~Albert Einstein ~

"Peace is the only battle worth waging."
~ Albert Camus ~

"The welfare of the people in particular has always been the alibi of tyrants."
~Albert Camus ~

When a war breaks out, people say: "It's too stupid, it can't last long." But though a war may be "too stupid," that doesn't prevent its lasting.
~Albert Camus ~

"In such a world of conflict, a world of victims and executioners, it is the job of thinking people, not to be on the side of the executioners."
~ Albert Camus ~

"Violence can only be concealed by a lie, and the lie can only be maintained by violence."
~Alexander Solzhenitsyn ~

"A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny."
~ Alexander Solzhenitsyn ~

"O peace! How many wars were waged in thy name."
~Alexander Pope ~

"As a rule of thumb, if the government wants you to know it, it probably isn't true."
~ Craig Murray ~

"As long as mankind shall bestow more liberal applause on their destroyers than on their benefactors, the thirst for military glory will remain the vice of the most exalted characters."
~ Edward Gibbon ~

"The world cannot continue to wage war like physical giants and to seek peace like intellectual pygmies."
~Basil O'Connor ~

"War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man."
~ Alfred Adler ~

"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. The truth has been kept from the depth of their minds by masters who rule them with lies. They feed them on falsehoods till wrong looks like right in their eyes."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ~

"An eye for an eye and the whole world is blind"
~ Mahatma Gandhi ~

"All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed, second it is violently opposed, and third, it is accepted as self-evident."
~ Arthur Schopenhauer ~

"Believe nothing. No matter where you read it, or who said it, even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
~ Buddha ~

"Those of us who love peace must organize as effectively as the war hawks. As they spread the propaganda of war, we must spread the propaganda of peace."
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. ~

"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public"
~ Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States ~

"The most dangerous man, to any government, is the man who is able to think things out for himself... Almost inevitably, he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable."
~ H.L. Mencken ~

"We are going to be in such a fix when this war is over, or before this war is over. Our grandchildren's grandchildren are going to be paying for this war. I look at our future as, I'm sorry, being very dark."
~ Walter Cronkite ~

"The People cannot be safe without information. When the PRESS is FREE, and every man is able to read, all is safe."
~ Thomas Jefferson, President of the United States ~

"The care of human life and happiness, and not their destruction, is the first and only object of good government."
~ Thomas Jefferson, President of the United States ~

Security Tips that may help you survive until Christmas!

1. When using public transport check under the seat for parcel bombs;
these are easily identifiable by the manufacturer's label saying
'Parcel Bomb - made in Jaffna.'

2. When going on holiday, don't choose Kilinochchi or the Wanni as your holiday destination! You will be much safer holidaying in Kabul or Dafur!

3. When asked by the sentries at checkpoints whether you are carrying
bombs, do not reply in the affirmative.

4. When walking on the road in wet weather be careful to avoid being splashed or run over by all 17 vehicles of a VIP Politicians convoy.

5. Under no circumstance should you pretend that your umbrella is a gun.

6. If you have small children - do not send them to school until the war
is over.

7. If you are an orphan do not attend two day first aid camps in

8. Carry your business cards loosely on your person so that in the event
of a violent explosion they will scatter far and wide giving the company you work for
free publicity on your death.

9. Do not attend functions or political meetings graced by VIP Politicians. You might be the collateral damage of a suicide bomber targeting the VIP.

10. Always take a file home. In the event of being caught in crossfire
sit down in a safe place and do some work.

11. Run like hell if you see a "White Van" following you.

12. Do not fly the Eelam flag in Colombo or the Lion flag in uncleared
areas. If you're not sure if the area is cleared or not fly both flags.

13. Do not join the armed forces. If you are already in the armed forces don't ask to be transferred to an operational area!

14. Do not accept lifts from strangers with moustaches and evil grins -
they could be Prabhakaran or Mahinda.

15. Migrate.

Calling All Sri Lankan ALCOHOLICS!

If you're going to drink...why not get drunk among friends?
Nobody understands a drunkard better than another drunkard!
Here is a place you can come where nobody is going to try and make you kick the habit!

For Old Boozers
Meet other drunkards with the same habit as yours!
Make new friends and life long drinking partners!

For Beginners
Special courses on "How to become a Confirmed Alcoholic!"
"How to convert your friends into Confirmed Alcoholics!"

Join the only Organization of Active Drunkards in Sri Lanka!
We are open 365 days of the year, including "Poya Days" for your convenience!

A home away from home!

(Special field trips to liquor factories and kassipu joints and special discounts on arrack bottles on "Poya Day!")

Tales from the 'North Side'

After our MIGS bombed the village and we used all the bullets on the men, we all met near the well of a bombed out house. My two friends who were farmers before joining up had with them a dark good looking woman.

We formed into a queue and took our turn with her, but she wouldn't comply with the guys who were last in the queue...she just lay crying in the grass.

My friend who was hot tempered, lost his cool and smashed her head with his rifle butt. One blow was all that it took. Her skull had caved in but her body was fine.

He straightened her out again and had one more go at her. Her son was running around crying because his mother wouldn't speak to him.

Some of the guys laughed and got back in the queue to take their turn with her again, but I didn't want to look because she reminded me too much of my wife.

Like father like son?

Her swollen womb
bounced like a balloon
with water inside.
She wondered if there would be pain
during labor before the first cries of birth
burst forth from between her legs!

Would it be a girl?
Or would it be a boy?
If it was a girl,
would she be like her?
And if it was a boy,
would he be a brute like his father,
who raped her nine months ago,
when they captured her village,
and killed her family?

October 21, 2008

Les Misérables (The Miserable Ones)

You miserable people
are a total disgrace,
you have killed innocent people,
to preserve your race!

You miserable people
cry over dead cattle,
but what about the people
who die in battle?

You miserable people
do you know how to mourn,
for the innocent children
killed in the no fire zone?

You miserable people
can count me out,
when you all join together
for the victory shout!

You miserable people
do you know the cost?
Thousands have died
and both sides have lost!

A Total Waste!

During the war,
he thought of victory,
of glory to be gained
and medals to be won,
to kill the enemy
and capture their towns,
to bomb them into submission
and save country, race and religion.

During the war,
he had no time for blue skies
and walks in the park
with the woman he loved,
because the enemy had to be killed
and their towns had to be captured
to save country, race and religion.

Now the war is over
and nobody knows who won or lost!
He can't see blue skies,
because he lost both his eyes!
He can't take a walk in the park,
because he lost both his legs!
The woman he loved has married someone else!
What a total waste of,
two eyes and two legs!

His country is in fragments!
His race is a farce!
His religion which is actually a philosophy,
is not practiced as it should be!
If it had, he would have learnt that,
Hatred ceases not by hatred, but by love!
That is the eternal truth!

October 16, 2008

Star of the Day!

Thought for the day:

In such a world of conflict, a world of victims and executioners, it is the job of thinking people, not to be on the side of the executioners.


The Gospel after a few shots of Vodka!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.


I was born intelligent - education ruined me.


Practice makes perfect.....
But nobody's perfect......
so why practice?


If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?


Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.


How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?


Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.


One should love animals.
They are so tasty.


Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.


Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in


The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.


Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.


Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.


"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep


There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning


"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk


"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours


God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.


The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So why learn?


A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.....

what more can I say........

Self explanatory...?

October 15, 2008

And more History of Clowns!

More History of Clowns!

The History of Clowns!

Star of the day!

Thought for the day:

The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality.



Join The Crusade To Abolish Entertainment In Sri Lanka!

Radio, Television, IPods, Mobile Phones, Internet and Movie Theaters are ruining our great nation by encouraging us to escape from the stark realities of life!
Too much time and money is wasted on such useless pastimes. We must wake up before it is too late and use this time and money for something really worthwhile, or face the ultimate destruction of our 2500 year old culture!

Participate In Our Many Important Activities!

* Join “Send Hip Hop Artists To The Moon” campaign!

* Fire bomb record stores that sell CDs of popular rap stars!

* Bomb transformers so that electricity will be cut off and viewers wont be able to watch their favourite ‘Mega Tele drama’ programmes!

* Write, SMS and call your local radio stations and demand that they broadcast 24 hour banna programmes, 365 days a year!

* Abduct famous tele drama stars so that they won’t be able to complete future episodes!

* Picket mobile phone sales centres and call for a ban on the sale of phones with music and video facilities!

* Hide your teenagers IPod and destroy his/her phone charger!

* Protest outside movie theaters and detonate parcel bombs in ‘Internet Cafes!’

* Intimidate musicians and tele drama actors whenever you see them, making life so unbearable for them, that they leave the country!

Join THE ANTI ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE OF SRI LANKA today and fight against modern entertainment where ever you find it!


The many moods of 'Barak Osama!'

The many moods of 'Barak Osama!'


Have an Accident Today!
Support this Revolutionary New Way to Solve the Overpopulation Problem!

Let’s face it! We all have to die someday, so when we do, we might as well die fast!
Why wait for lingering disease or slow, tormenting old age?

Let us show you how to have a quick, easy accident!

* Join the armed forces and ask to be transferred to an operational area!

* Travel regularly by bus. According to the law of averages, you’re more than likely to eventually board a bus that has a parcel bomb on it. You figure out the rest!

* Always use the pedestrian crossing to cross the road. Cross the road at a leisurely pace, and leave the rest to the crazed private bus drivers and other road hogs that drive on our roads!

* Regularly attend political meetings of high profile ministers and try to gat as close as possible to them, so as not to miss a word they say. Eventually when a suicide bomber detonates himself or herself, you might be one of the lucky victims!

* Don’t stop at army check points! When the soldier shouts Halt! Put your foot down on the accelerator and drive on! In a few seconds you will hear the sound of gunshots. You’re in luck if the soldier is a good shot. You’ll probably get a bullet through you’re head and you wont feel a thing!

* When you’re stopped at a check point and you’re bag is checked, look nervous, turn around and run like hell! Once again, you’ll be in luck if the soldier who shoots you is a good shot!

* Go hiking with your friends to un-cleared areas in the North and East of Sri Lanka. If you are lucky, you might step on a mine or be blasted to smithereens by a booby trap!

* Don’t go for your December holidays to Europe or the Caribbean. Take your family to beautiful Kill E No Chee! From morning to night you and you’re loved ones will be serenaded by the sounds of incoming shells, multi-barrel rockets and bunker buster bombs dropped by MIGS and Kafir jets! It will only be matter of time before you and you’re family are blasted to kingdom come by one of these smart bombs!

For further information, phone or write to the,


(Don’t have an Accident without first consulting US!)

October 13, 2008

More little known organizations of Sri Lanka!

SPCA – Sri Lankans for the Practice of Cruelty to Animals

For over 63 years we have been fighting and killing each other!
Why not direct our natural aggression against animals instead of each other!
They are doing it to us! Let’s do it to them!

1,23,497 people bitten by stray DOGS last year!

56,570 people hospitalized after being bitten by DENGUE mosquitoes during the last six months!

15,382 individuals bitten by SNAKES last month!

10,702 people scratched by CATS this month!

5,289 people stung by WASPS in Sigiriya last week!

1 idiot trampled by an ELEPHANT last night!

It’s time to fight back! Join operation “Zero Casualties,’ or the ‘Humanitarian Operation’ and get them before they get you!

* Go out and kick dogs in the gut!

* Set fire to stray cats!

* Carpet bomb marsh land and other areas where mosquitoes might breed, after declaring the areas as “NO Fire Zones!”

* Do not agree to the mosquitos’ demand of a “Separate State in the Beira Lake!”

* Use ‘Bunker Buster Bombs’ to destroy elephant herds!

* Plant mines to destroy cattle herds!

* Pluck the feathers off live chickens if they withhold information!

* Tape the beaks of parrots!

* Pull the wings off flies!

* Walk around stepping on ants!

Bring you’re pet to any one of our conveniently located torture chambers!
Be sure to register your pets at the nearest police station or army camp before you bring them!
Enter our exciting new contest “The most vicious cruelty to a Domestic Animal!” be the winner of the “Grand Prize” of 1 Million Rupees!

Mary’s father had a ‘White Van!’

(sung to the tune of “Mary had a little lamb”)

Mary’s father had a ‘White Van,’
It was as white as snow!
And everywhere their neighbour went,
The van was sure to follow!

It followed him to work one day,
And then abducted him,
His family searched high and low,
But there was no trace of him!

Bah! Bah! Arms Dealer!

(sung to the tune of “Bah! Bah! Black Sheep!”)

Bah! Bah! Arms dealer have you any bribes?
Yes sir! Yes sir!
Four money bags full!
One for the ‘Commander in Chief,’
And three for his three brothers,
And none for the village boy who fights in the north!

Oh You Deadly Cyanide!

(sung to the tune of “Oh My Darling Clementine”)

Round my neck there hangs a chain,
And on it’s end there is a vial,
It is small and looks quite deadly,
And we call it cyanide!

Oh you deadly, oh you deadly,
Oh you deadly cyanide,
You don’t taste good like a toffee,
But for suicide, you’re just fine!

Three Blind MIG Pilots!

(sung to the tune of “Three Blind Mice”)

Three blind MIG pilots, three blind MIG pilots,
See what they bomb, see what they bomb,
They bombed a house that had people inside,
And said they blasted a terrorist camp,
Did you ever see such a thing in you’re life,
As the three blind MIG pilots.

Nursery Rhymes for children from the North East of Sri Lanka!

When the MIGS start dropping bombs!
(sung to the tune of “London Bridge is falling down”)

When the MIGS start dropping bombs,
Dropping bombs, dropping bombs,
When the MIGS start dropping bombs,
There’ll be a ‘Big Blast!’

Take your kids and run away,
Run away, run away,
Take your kids and run away,
There’ll be a ‘Big Blast!’

Find a place to hide away,
Hide away, hide away,
Find a bunker right away,
There’ll be a ‘Big Blast!’

Just admit you’re nearest kin,
Nearest kin, nearest kin,
Don’t let any neighbours in,
There isn’t enough room within!

Don’t forget you’re ID card,
ID card, ID card,
You will need it later when,
They stop you at a check point!

When the MIGS have flown away,
Flown away, flown away,
You’ll be safe to make your way,
And live inside you’re ‘Bombed House!’

October 10, 2008

Star of the Day!

Thought for the day:

I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy. I expostulated, but he replied: 'The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies; that's fair.' In these words he epitomized the history of the human race.


More Caricatures of Politicians!