Security Tips that may help you survive until Christmas!

1. When using public transport check under the seat for parcel bombs;
these are easily identifiable by the manufacturer's label saying
'Parcel Bomb - made in Jaffna.'

2. When going on holiday, don't choose Kilinochchi or the Wanni as your holiday destination! You will be much safer holidaying in Kabul or Dafur!

3. When asked by the sentries at checkpoints whether you are carrying
bombs, do not reply in the affirmative.

4. When walking on the road in wet weather be careful to avoid being splashed or run over by all 17 vehicles of a VIP Politicians convoy.

5. Under no circumstance should you pretend that your umbrella is a gun.

6. If you have small children - do not send them to school until the war
is over.

7. If you are an orphan do not attend two day first aid camps in
Sennacholai.

8. Carry your business cards loosely on your person so that in the event
of a violent explosion they will scatter far and wide giving the company you work for
free publicity on your death.

9. Do not attend functions or political meetings graced by VIP Politicians. You might be the collateral damage of a suicide bomber targeting the VIP.

10. Always take a file home. In the event of being caught in crossfire
sit down in a safe place and do some work.

11. Run like hell if you see a "White Van" following you.

12. Do not fly the Eelam flag in Colombo or the Lion flag in uncleared
areas. If you're not sure if the area is cleared or not fly both flags.

13. Do not join the armed forces. If you are already in the armed forces don't ask to be transferred to an operational area!

14. Do not accept lifts from strangers with moustaches and evil grins -
they could be Prabhakaran or Mahinda.

15. Migrate.