December 10, 2009

Jollyass Seesaw (A Funny Tragedy)

Once upon a time, when Jollyass Seesaw was Caretaker of Idiot Island, he led his Peacekeeping forces against the Tranquil Tourists in the north of the island. After a long drawn out humanitarian crusade, he was finally able to subdue them, and returned to the capital city Koollamboob in triumph. There were many celebrations throughout the country with drinking, dancing, eating of milk rice and lighting of fire crackers. The Idiot Islanders thronged the streets in their best clothes, cheering Seesaw, while putting up banners and hoardings of him and garlanding his statues.

As Seesaws bulletproof limousine passed through the crowd, there was seated beside him, his wife Mrs. Seesaw and his most trusted companion and chief advisor, Antony Wansahero. Also included in his entourage was dynamic and eloquent opposition parleymutt Ronnywicks, General Brootoast Funnyshaker, Tilvanius and Wansasumo. As they passed along, the Idiot Islanders cheered and pressed upon them, and yet above the tumult one voice sounded shriller than the rest as it cried out, "Seesaw! Seesaw!" Seesaw too, heard the voice and signalled the driver to stop while he listened. The man was a soothsayer who did a weekly astrology program on a private TV station.

When he saw that Seesaw had halted, he said: "Beware the Ides of January!" So Seesaw ordered that the man should come out of the crowd so that he might see him. Once more the soothsayer said, "Beware the Ides of January!" Seesaw with a shrug replied, "He is an international conspirator. Have him taken to the fourth floor of the Butterland Pleasure Chambers, and tickle him with chicken feathers, and question him for 24 hours!"

As the procession continued towards the Pompeydasa International Amphitheatre, General Brootoast paused as if reluctant to continue on. Tilvanius who had been watching him closely, asked Brootoast whether he did not want to watch the Idiot Island versus Hindiyaar crooked match; to which Brootoast answered that he had better things to do than to watch 22 grown men chasing after a white ball. The streets by this time were deserted, as everyone had gone to witness the match. After a while, Tilvanius and Brootoast heard the sounds of shouting and the sounds of paparay bands. "What does that shouting mean?" asked Brootoast. "I fear the Idiot Islanders will choose Seesaw for their king!" replied Tilvanius. "Though I love the man, I would not want him as my king!" said Brootoast. This gave Tilvanius the opening he desired, to try and stir Brootoast against Seesaw. So he went on, "A few years ago, during the caretaker elections, Seesaw cried out to me and Wansasumo. 'Help me Tilvanius…help me Wansasumo…to become caretaker of Idiot Island!' And so we helped him. This is the man who has now become a God, and Tilvanius must bow low before him if he merely looks my way. When he was afflicted by swine flu, the colour fled from his lips and he murmured like a sick girl, 'Give me some water, Tilvanius.' And yet a man so feeble has become supreme in the whole country!"
By this time Seesaw and his entourage were coming back from the match. Hindiyaar had won in the final over, with 3 balls to spare. Seesaw had noticed that Brootoast and Tilvanius were no longer with him, and when he saw them whispering together and looking at him, he pointed them out to Wanshero. "Let me have men that are fat and sleep well at night. That Tilvanius looks lean and hungry; he thinks too much, and such men are dangerous; if there were a man I could fear, Tilvanius is the first man I should avoid!" Anthony Wansahero did not agree with Seesaw. He was an easy-going man who loved wine, women, song and playing around with his two state-of-the-art cellular phones. When Seesaw and the rest had left, Brootoast asked Wansasumo what had happened at the Pompeydasa International Amphitheatre, and Wansasumo replied, "The Idiot Islanders offered him a crown 3 times, and each time Seesaw refused it and said, I'm not your king...I'm only your caretaker!"

After that the 3 men parted. When they had gone, Tilvanius knew that his plan was succeeding. Brootoast was an honourable humanitarian, yet he could be persuaded. A few days later, a terrible storm broke over Idiot Island, and strange incidents started to happen throughout the country. The stock market crashed; many foreign investors wound up their businesses and left the island; most countries in their travel advisories warned their citizens against visiting the island; rich countries stopped lending money to Seesaw's government, and United Bankers secretary general Banking Boom urged Seesaw to resettle the Tranquil Welfare Holiday Campers as soon as possible. All these strange events seemed to portend some great calamity. Most Idiot Islanders were terrified by what was happening. Tilvanius who met Wansasumo on the street, told him that the heavens were sending these warnings because the Idiot Islanders were trying to turn mortal men into immortal Gods! "You mean Seesaw?" asked Wansasumo. "Yes indeed," replied Tilvanius, "they say that tomorrow the parleymutts mean to make Seesaw a king, and he will wear his crown where ever he goes!"

Meanwhile Brootoast was pacing up and down in his house. The more he thought, the more he realised that only through the permanent rehabilitation of Seesaw could Idiot Island really be free. So far Seesaw had only used his power to form a dynasty and install his close relatives in key government positions; but once he was crowned king, he would have unlimited power. In the evening, Tilvanius and his international conspirators entered the house of Brootoast. They were – Wansasumo, Kehelmala, Milimoro, Rayjasenna, Amusara, Tenderman, Seefour and Esbidi. Brootoast welcomed them all and shook each man by the hand. Then they all sat down and began to discuss how their plot might be carried out. In time Tilvanius said, "It is doubtful whether Seesaw will appear tomorrow, for he has become superstitious lately and these strange omens and the persuasion of his advisors will keep him away from the parleymutts building!" "Never fear that," said Milimoro, "I can persuade Seesaw and bring him to the parleymutts building." As everything was decided, each conspirator left for their respective homes, leaving Brootoast home alone.
All that night the thunder and lightning continued and no one on Idiot Island slept...that is except for the deaf, dumb and blind. In the morning, Mrs. Seesaw begged Seesaw not to leave for the parleymutts building. She pleaded with him to send Antony Wansahero to inform the parleymutts that Seesaw was not well. But just then, Milimoro arrived and bade Seesaw a good morning, and said that he had come to accompany him to the parleymutts building. Seesaw replied to Milimoro, "Tell the parleymutts that I will not attend today as Mrs. Seesaw saw a bad dream about me!" "But Seesaw!" interjected Milimoro, "The parleymutts have agreed this day to bestow a crown upon Seesaw. If you do not attend today, it will become a joke; and people will say, 'Dismiss the parleymutts until Mrs. Seesaw has better dreams.' If Seesaw hides himself, they will say that the mighty Seesaw is afraid!" Seesaw was so convinced by Milimoro's words that he set off with him to the parleymutts building.
As they passed through the streets Seesaw saw the soothsayer, who had by this time had been released from the fourth floor of the Butterland Pleasure Chambers, and said to him smiling, "The Ides of January are come!" "Yes Seesaw," he replied, "but not gone!" So Seesaw entered the parleymutts building and took his seat.

The international conspirators drew near to him, and crowded around him. First Brootoast knelt before him, took his hand and kissed it. Then on the other side, Tilvanius knelt before him, and so did the rest of the conspirators. By this time, Wansasumo had crept around behind Seesaw's chair. Suddenly with his 9 millimetre pistol drawn, he cried out, "Speak, 9 millimetre for me!" Then all of them fell upon Seesaw with their 9 millimetres drawn, and shot him again and again. For a while Seesaw resisted, but when he saw that General Brootoast his friend was also one of the conspirators, he cried out, "Et tu Brootoast! You son of a beach ball!" Then he hid his face with the red towel he wore around his neck, and fell permanently rehabilitated at the foot of Pompeydaasa's statue. When the conspirators saw that Seesaw was permanently rehabilitated, they cried out aloud, "Liberty! Freedom! Jayaho! Tyranny is permanently rehabilitated!" When Antony Wansahero appeared, Brootoast turned towards him and told him to take Seesaw's body to the Barney Roman Funeral Parlour and prepare it for the funeral. After which he was instructed to bring the casket to the Independence Circle where Wansahero could speak on behalf of Seesaw.

On the day of Seesaw's funeral, first spoke Brootoast. Brootoast said, "Seesaw once said that there are only two kinds of people on Idiot Island! Those who love the island, and those who do not love the Island! I Brootoast loved Idiot Island, which is why I permanently rehabilitated Seesaw. If I have offended anybody by my deed, speak up!" And the crowd shouted back, "Brootoast has offended no one! The wannabe king is dead! Long live Brootoast the new caretaker of Idiot Island!"
And then it was the turn of Antony Wansahero. Wansahero went up to the podium and checked the microphone, and began to speak. "Friends, Idiot Islanders, Country Bumpkins...lend me your ears, and I promise to return them after I have finished with them! The evil that men do lies buried up north in thousands of unmarked graves. The good is also interred with the bones. I come to speak at Seesaws funeral because he was my friend, faithful and just to me; and not because Seesaw made me his chief advisor or gave me a large mansion to live in or lavished me with many backup vehicles and hundreds of bodyguards! But Brootoast says he was ambitious! And I say that's because Seesaw did not give Brootoast a large mansion to live in or lavish him with many backup vehicles and hundreds of bodyguards! I say this is sour grapes Brootoast! But Brootoast is an honourable humanitarian."

Then Antony Wanshero produced a folded paper which he held up for the crowd to see. "Here is a paper sealed with Seesaws seal! It is his last will and testament." The people wondered what might be in the will, and they cried out to Antony Wansahero to read it. So Wansahero unfolded the paper and began to read the will.
"To every Idiot Islander I leave ten raypees each. My Shysterland bank accounts I leave to my family members. The Yale and Wilpot jungles, the rivers, lakes, valleys, mountains, waterfalls, the fish in the sea and animals on the land I bequeath to the citizens on Idiot Island. I also leave them a half finished harbour, a not yet begun airport and my bankrupt 'Seesaw Air' airlines!" The crowd roared with satisfaction, and there was much clapping and cheering after the will was read. After that the crowd took Seesaws body, made a pyre with anything that would burn. They then set Seesaws body on it, and set fire to it. Then taking burning fagots from the pyre, they ran around to the houses of the conspirators and set them on fire.

Brootoast and Tilvanius and their friends managed to escape to Hindiyaar where they raised a peacekeeping force with which they prepared to meet Antony Wansahero. As time went on Brootoast and Tilvanius started to fight amongst themselves as to who would be caretaker after Wansahero was defeated. Wansahero in the mean time had landed in Hindiyaar with a large peacekeeping force of his own, and surrounded Brootoast and Tilvanius. Brootoast and Tilvanius committed seaside by jumping in the sea, rather than surrender to Wansahero. And thus those responsible for the permanent rehabilitation of Seesaw were permanently rehabilitated themselves. Nevertheless, Antony Wansahero honoured Brootoast, for of all the conspirators he alone was moved not by envy of Seesaw, but by a desire for the good of his country.

December 7, 2009

Idiot Islanders For Democrazy Anarchy!

We at IIFDA hope to, “Wipe out Corruption in Government by wiping out Government!”
We will, “Give Government back to the People and make everyone his/her own lawmaker!”


1. Don’t vote on Election Day!

2. Don’t support any political parties!

3. Don’t obey the laws of the land!

4. Don’t inform authorities about potential seaside bummers who target parleymutts!

5. Don’t inform authorities about roadside bums targeted at parleymutts!

6. Don’t watch government TV or read government newspapers!

7. Don’t even join this organisation!

We are a non-profit organisation dedicated to the proposition that “Government Stinks!” and the people who vote for parleymutts stink even more!


The job isn’t over until the paperwork is done!

Let’s face it…when a man’s gotta go…a man’s gotta go!
At times like this, to be or not to be, is not the question…but how and where you can be! After some deliberation and the matter has been dropped, the best paper to wipe your rear end is none other than “Percy Bean Toilet Paper!”

“Percy Bean Toilet Paper” is manufactured to international standards with stringent quality control. World leaders like Barrack Obama, Gordon Brown, David Milliband, Manmohan Singh, Hillary Clinton, Kevin Rudd and Erik Solheim swear by “Percy Bean Toilet Paper,” and never leave home without a couple of rolls.

“Percy Bean Toilet Paper” has become an instant hit with Tranquil Holiday Campers taking an extended holiday in "Welfare Holiday Camps" in the north of the "Democrazy Theocrazy Banana Republic of Idiot Island."

According to eyewitness reports, 3,00,000 Tranquil Holiday Campers using “Percy Bean Toilet Paper” to wipe their rear ends, 7 days a week, 365 days a year is certainly a sight for sore eyes!

Buy ONE and get ONE FREE!

HURRY! Offer Valid Till Stocks Last!

Available Island wide at all leading Super Markets and Restaurants!

December 3, 2009

Presidential Advisor Nishantha Muthuhettigama

If Famous Movies were remade in Sri Lanka…

War & Peace would become, War is Election Victories.

Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince would become, Harry Potter & the Blood Thirsty Wannabe KING.

The Passion of Christ would become, The War Passion of Mahinda.

Star Wars would become, Humanitarian Wars.

The Last of the Mohicans would become, The Last of the Tigers.

Lord of the Rings would become, Lord of the GREENS (Starring Ranil Wickramasinghe)

Slum Dog Millionaire would become, Four War Lord Millionaire Brothers.

Doctor Zhivago would become, Doctor Mervin Silva.

Cry Freedom would become, Cry Human Rights Abuses.

Star Wars – Return of the Jedi would become, Humanitarian Wars – Return of the Praba.

Mission Impossible would become, Free & Fair Elections is a Mission Impossible.

The Good, Bad & the Ugly would become, Ranil, Gotabaya & Bandula Gunewardene.

Kill Bill would become, Kill Lasantha.

Robin Hood & his Merry Men would become, Prabahakaran & his Suicidal Men.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would become, The Four Brothers of the Family Dictatorship.

Anthony & Cleopatra would become, Karuna & Pillayan.

Catch Me If You Can would become, Catch Lasantha’s Killers If You Can.

Treasure Island would become, IDIOT ISLAND.

Enter the Dragon would become, Enter the No Fire Zone.

Austin Powers ‘Goldmember’ would become, Mervin Silva ‘Member of Parliament.

David Copperfield would become, David Milliband.

The Three Musketeers would become, The Four Rajapaksas.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind would become, Ceasefire for the Last Time.

Gangs of New York would become, White Van Gangs of Colombo.

The Greatest Story Ever Told would become, The Tallest Stories Ever Told. (Starring Keheliya Rambukwella & Brigadier Udaya Nanayakara.

Lawrence of Arabia would become, Gaddafi of Libya.

The Matrix would become, The Politricksters.

Raging Bull would become, Raging BULLY. (Starring Mervin Silva)

The Mummy would become, The DUMMY. (Starring R.Duminda Silva)

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest would become, One Dropped Cluster Bombs on the NO FIRE ZONE.

No Retreat, No Surrender would become, No Ceasefire, No Devolution of Power.

The Great Train Robbery would become, The Great Helping Hambanthota Tsunami Aid Robbery.

Tarzan of the Apes would become, Mahinda of the Sinhala Buddhists.

The Great Escape would become, The Great Escape of Praba.

Ocean’s Eleven would become, Mahinda’s Hundred an Eleven (Cabinet Ministers).

The Killing Fields would become, The Killing Fields of the NO FIRE ZONE.

Rasputin the Mad Monk would become, Jathika Hela Urumaya & its Racist Monks.

The Guns of Navarone would become, The Guns of Vellamoolyvaikal.

Dirty Harry would become, Dirty Harry Jayawardene.

The Creature From the Black Lagoon would become, The Creature From the Diyawanna Oya. (Starring Mervin Silva)

A Fist Full of Dollars would become, A Fist Full of IMF Dollars.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers would become, Invasion of the International Conspirators.

The Prisoner of Zenda would become, The Prisoners’ of the Vanni Concentration Camps.

Conan the Barbarian would become, Kohona the Humanitarian.

Born Free would become, Born in a Vanni Concentration Camp.

Missing in Action would become, Zero Casualties.

Kill Bill 2 would become, Kill Journalists.

ET would become, KP (Kevin Petersen).