April 27, 2009

Newspaper Headlines you would see, if the Dictatorship of Sri Lanka was in charge of the World Media

“World Bank officials get down on their knees and plead with President Rajapaksa to accept 1.9 billion dollar loan.”

“Colombo central, Colombo north, Colombo east, Colombo west and Borella voters who voted for the UNP, are part of an ‘International Conspiracy’ to destabilise the government and stop the forward march of the armed forces says leaders of China, North Korea, Sudan, Libya, Iran and Zimbabwe.”

“50,000 LTTE terrorists killed and 1,00,000 injured, with zero casualties to armed forces and Tamil civilians says Military Spokesman.”

“Prabahakaran rescued by alien flying saucer during the new year ceasefire admits Military Spokesman.”

“World leaders beg President Rajapaksa to accept post of UN General Secretary, and request that Sri Lanka take over from America as the Global policeman of the world.”

“President Rajapaksa gets rousing welcome from American public, while recent Gallup poll shows Rajapaksa more popular than Obama.”

“LTTE fires multi barrel rockets and drops cluster bombs and napalm from Mig and Kafir jets, to prevent Tamil civilians from escaping from the ‘No Fire’ zone.”

“Daya Master says Erik Solheim and Prabahakaran were masterminds behind Mumbai attack.”

“Daya Master divulges that opposition leader Ranil Wickramasinghe instigated and personally led the attacks on the Sri Lankan embassies in Norway and Germany.”

“Daya Master admits LTTE was involved in attack on MTV/MBC TV station and the killing of Sunday Leader editor.”

“Daya Master tells interrogators that the LTTE were behind the abductions and killings of Tamil civilians in ‘White Vans.’

“Daya Master says that LTTE were involved in the killing of 14 journalists and the intimidation of 28 others during the past three years.”

“LTTE responsible for the killing of American President John F.Kennedy says Daya Master.”

“President Obama begs President Rajapaksa to send his Sinhala Army to take over from American troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

“75,000 American women to work as house maids in Sri Lanka.”

“World wide ‘Gallup poll’ shows President Rajapaksa more popular than Gandhi, Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela.”

“Tamil refugees say they are extremely happy living in camps surrounded by barbed wire and armed guards and plead with authorities not to resettle them.”

“Tamil refugees tell reporters they are honoured to live as second class citizens and said they will renounce the tamil language and learn sinhalese.”

“President Rajapaksa, Defence Secretary Gotabaya Rajapaksa and General Sarath Fonseka to receive Nobel Peace Prize.”

Famous Quotes And Their Relevance To Sri Lanka

Famous Quote: "The matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers and carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand; most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it."
~ Morpheus, The Matrix
In Sri Lanka: This former ‘Democratic Socialist Republic,’ is now an ‘Autocratic Theocratic Dictatorial Banana Republic,’ run by a ‘Quadrumvirate of Brothers,’ who have the grandiose notion of forming a ‘Dynasty’ similar to those seen in ancient China. This ‘Gang of Four,’ should be the enemy of all freedom loving Sri Lankans. But what do we see instead? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters, farmers…the gullible majority, ready to do the biding of this ‘Gang of Four.’ They do not want to think for themselves; instead they want to be lead by the nose like they have been led for the past sixty-one years. They are beyond saving.

Famous Quote: "...History is replete with whispers of secret societies... The oldest is the Brotherhood of the Snake, also called the Brotherhood of the Dragon, and it still exists under many different names. The Brotherhood of the Snake is devoted to guarding the 'secrets of the ages' and the recognition of Lucifer as the one and only true God... It's secret symbol is the all-seeing eye in the pyramid.
~William Cooper (Author of "Behold a Pale Horse")
In Sri Lanka: The “Rajapaks Brotherhood,” also known as “The Gang Of Four” and “The Four War Lord Millionaires,” rule the country like it is their own personal fiefdom.

Famous Quote: "None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. The truth has been kept from the depth of their minds by masters who rule them with lies. They feed them on falsehoods till wrong looks like right in their eyes."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Sinhala Majority’ is made to believe that once the LTTE is forced to cease conventional battle, the war will be over; that none of the Tamil civilian deaths in the north are due shelling by the armed forces, that no soldiers are killed or maimed, that all the destruction is by the LTTE etc. This has all been possible because journalists of the independent media have been killed, abducted, intimidated or gone into hiding; leaving the Government media to disseminate whatever tall stories it wants.

Famous Quote: Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it;
Do not believe in anything simply because it’s spoken and rumoured by many;
Do not believe in anything simply because it’s found written in your religious books;
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your elders;
Do not believe in tradition because they have been handed down for many generations;
But after observation and analysis when you find that anything agrees with reason, and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.
~The Buddha
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes it if it appears in the Government media;
The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes it if the ‘Buddhist Clergy’ tells them so;
The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes whatever the ‘Gang of Four’ tells them,
If you tell the ‘Sinhala Majority’ that there is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to destroy their religion, language and culture, they will believe it, because they are nothing but a bunch of xenophobes.

Famous Quote: "The greatest purveyor of violence on earth is my own government"
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
In Sri Lanka: The greatest purveyors of violence in the country are the Government and the LTTE.

Famous Quote: "Those of us who love peace must organize as effectively as the war hawks. As they spread the propaganda of war, we must spread the propaganda of peace."
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
In Sri Lanka: Those who spread the propaganda of peace are branded as LTTE sympathisers, traitors and terrorists while some are abducted and killed.

Famous Quote: "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public"
~ Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States
In Sri Lanka: If you criticise the president, his brother or the army commander, you end up six feet under like Lasantha Wickramatunge, editor of the ‘Sunday Leader.’

Famous Quote: "I want to know who the men in the shadows are. I want to hear somebody asking them why they can be counted on to tell us who our enemies are, but they're never the ones to fight and to die." ~ Jackson Browne
In Sri Lanka: It’s the politicians and the Buddhist clergy who urge the gullible ‘slum dog’ village youth to fight and die, and they live in the lap of luxury while their sons and daughters are safely ensconced in foreign countries.

Famous Quote: "The most dangerous man, to any government, is the man who is able to think things out for himself... Almost inevitably, he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable."
~ H.L. Mencken
In Sri Lanka: There are a few such people here as well. Some have been killed, some have been intimidated, some are in prison, some have migrated in fear of their lives and the rest remain silent because they fear death.

Famous Quote: "A country whose leader has the power to imprison any citizen, on his order alone, and hold them indefinitely, in military custody, without access to the courts, without a lawyer, without any charges, their fate determined solely by the leader's arbitrary whim -- that country is a tyranny, not a democracy, not a republic, not a union of free citizens."
~ Chris Floyd, The Moscow Times
In Sri Lanka: We are sure Mr.Chris Floyd has visited Sri Lanka recently or how could he have described it so accurately?

Famous Quote: "Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervour, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."
~ Julius Caesar
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Wannabe Caesar’ and his 3 brothers have done just that in this country. Like the Caesar of old, he better be aware of ‘The Ides of March, April, May, June, July etc.’

Famous Quote: "Military men are dumb, stupid animals to be used as pawns for foreign policy."
~ Henry Kissinger
In Sri Lanka: These dumb, stupid animals are used mainly as pawns and cannon fodder for domestic policy, especially to win elections.

Famous Quote: "War is a sociological safety valve that cleverly diverts popular hatred for the ruling classes into a happy occasion to mutilate or kill foreign enemies."
~ Ernest Becker
In Sri Lanka: It’s a local enemy (the Tamils) who are mutilated, killed, abducted and bombed into

Famous Quote: "Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervour - with the cry of grave national emergency. Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it."
~ General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
In Sri Lanka: It’s the ‘evil Tamils who want a separate state’ at home, and an ‘International Conspiracy’ that wants to destroy the Sinhalese race, culture and religion.

Famous Quote: "Why of course the people don't want war ... But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship ... Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger."
~ Hermann Goering, Nazi leader, at the Nuremberg Trials after World War II
In Sri Lanka: History is repeating itself in this country. Hitler’s Germany is been reborn as ‘
Mahinda’s Sri Lanka.’

Famous Quote: "The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth becomes the greatest enemy of the state."
~ Dr. Joseph M. Goebbels - Hitler's propaganda minister
In Sri Lanka: 17 journalists killed…more than 28 beaten up, abducted and intimidated, the countless others who have been imprisoned without a trial, the burning of MTV and destruction of the Sunday Leader printing press is ample proof that the truth is the greatest enemy of the Sri Lankan State.

Famous Quote: "We will export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defence of our great nation."
~ G. W. Bush, former President of the United States
In Sri Lanka: Rajapaksa and his brothers export death and violence to the four corners of the Island in defence of the ‘Rajapaksa Dynasty.’

Famous Quote: "There is no such thing as a Palestinian people... It is not as if we came and threw them out and took their country. They didn’t exist."
~ Golda Meir
In Sri Lanka: There are no such people as Hindus, Christians and Muslims in this country. Sri Lanka is a ‘Sinhala Buddhist’ Country.

Famous Quote: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."
~ Thomas Jefferson, American Declaration of Independence
In Sri Lanka: We hold this truth to be self-evident, that the ‘Sinhala Buddhist Majority,’ is more equal than the minority Hindus, Christians and Muslims. And they are endowed by their Creator, with the unalienable right to impose their language, religion and culture on all the minorities; for ever and ever, amen.

Walcum Yoo Toe Idiot Island

From time in memorial, Idiot Island has been a popular holiday resort for thousands of mirthlings from countries like Amerrybum, Asstrailerhaa, Titaly, Joypang, Carryaar, Spawn, Noisy Land, Kanna Daa, Jemini, Fonz etc. An economic down turn that over took Planet Mirth in 2010 AD, has affected many on Idiot Island. The worst affected were the rural Idiot Islanders who decided to turn their houses and ancestral homes into ‘guest houses’ and ‘hotels’ to make ends meet. Reproduced below are four emails, sent to prospective holiday makers, informing them of the facilities they could expect when they arrive on Idiot Island: A land like no other!

Honoured Sir,
I am amazed by your entreaty for a room. I am happy to inform you I have two rooms with a vulgar balcony and excommunicating doors. I can also offer you for your convenience, attached litter rooms with scalding aqueducts.
For the youthful persons there are alluring ways, wild lifes, song and dunces, rustic revelries and very good hospital only 50 miles away. My charges are soo changeable to be all you can afford. If I am dear to you or your mistress, she could perhaps be reduced. I shall myself be strenuous for you, and my wife will mimic me. As for cuisine, my wife is an unapproachable tyrant of the kitchen. A satisfied guest wrote: “I will never to visit other stranger cuntrysides.” Come here soon and you can rest in peace.

Waiting attentively for you,
Rintin Da Elvis.
(Chief Execution Officer)

My Dear Sir,
I am very pleasing to retort to your asking for my hotel. I am happy that I am empty in the upstairs compartment from 23st of November to 5st December. You will be agreeable that in view of the services my figure is highly modest. There is hot and cold waters running on every floors. If you are wishing a female personage to render you services, we can provide one. Guarantee you money back she render you jolly good. Also boyish male personages we can provide you. Sorrowfully I cannot abide your canine companion, but my mother in law who live opposite house can put up with it.
If you will come here you will certainly be arrested by the local beauties. Me my wife and I will always be at attention. We will make your duration soo dear as possible.

Truly Faithfully,
Millyman Morrowgood,
(Managing Dictator)

Dear Sir or Madam,
Having freshly taken over the property of this notorious house, I am wishful that you bring your bag and baggage to my esteemed establishment. Standing amongst savage scenery with flaunting butterflies and songing birds the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French window in every bedroom affording delightful prospects! I give personal look to interior wants of each guest. Here we make sure shall be well
fedup and agreeably drunk. No drunking on full moon day because police catch all drunkers. Having once sampled our local fooding, you will surely wish to enlarge your stays.
We have numerous bedrooms with beds and full drainage. Our charges for weakly visitors are scarcely understandable! We also make peculiar arrangements for gross parties! Our motto is ever “Serve You Right!” Coming soon before bedrooms full up!

Watching and waiting,
Cunred Hilltown,
(CEO & Joint Dictator)

Dear Madam,
I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I can give. I can though give you a good washing with pleasure in a most clean river down by the riverside with no person to see your naked things. I insist that you will like this.
Your question also to receive beds for twins. For this I have great seeking made without any OK as well from neighbour next door because his wife to this man gives him many childs. This man admits no knowledge about beds for twins. Part of you may sleep in this place while your extras to the neighbour house next door go. It is only throwing a stone away.
All must eat in this haus the cheapest food. We are sorry no beefs or chicken beefs or pig beefs because we are all vegetables here. The fish your man hopes to catch is always in the river. He catch them we cook them you eat them. Me and my better half are hoping to do you soon.

Yours Fully Faithfully,
Jaarj Makkal.
(Owner & Joint Profiteer)