April 17, 2011

I want to be the most Influential Idiot in the Universe!

This is a new Alphabet for the ‘Vocal Majority’ from the ‘Silent Minority’.

A is for Abductions that take place daily, usually blamed on aliens.

B is for Benz Bikkus who live in the lap of luxury.

C is for Censorship of TV programmes showing scenes of alcohol and tobacco.

D is for Doctor Delipihiya patron saint of murder and mayhem.

E is for Elections which are neither free nor fair.

F is for Freedom of abduction, harassment and imprisonment under the Prevention of Tourism Act.

G is for Gullible majority who have been hoodwinked since 1948.

H is for Human rights abuses that occur 465 days of the year.

I is for IndepenDunce also known as the ’63 Year Curse’. (We were better off under the British!)

J is for Jayasuriya, who will probably play until the 2043 World Cup or until he gets his EPF?

K is for Kassipu. (A bottle a day keeps the liver awake.)

L is for Lies, damned lies and statistics that the government media saturates us with each day.

M is for Mahinda Chinthanaya. (Who needs the Bible, Koran and Tripitaka when we have the ‘chinthanaya.’

N is for Nepotism or favoritism to relatives. (Also check R)

O is for the 17 Patriotic Opposition MPs who crossed over to the government to save the country.

P is for Pillayan, who became Chief Minister of the East using the ‘Bullet’ to get the ‘Ballot.’

Q is for Question mark? When will we become the ASS Chariya Rai of the universe? When pigs fly or when hell freezes over?

R is for Rajapaksa Poshanaya of Mahinda, Basil, Goatabaya and Chamal.

T is for Terrorism. Both the LTTE kind and the State sponsored kind.

U is for Underestimate. What the Government always does of the LTTE.

V is for Velupillai Prabahakaran may you rest in pieces.(very very small pieces)

W is for Wickramasinghe (Ranil). The greatest President that never governed Sri Lanka.

X is for Xenophobia or the island mentality. The dislike of all things foreign.

Y is for Yearning for yesterday. The national pastime of living in the past.

Z is for Zero Casualties the tall story that only most Sinhalese believe.

April 6, 2011


Sai Baba resigns from captaincy.

Sanga on life-support with chest and lung infection.

Step motherly treatment for Manmohan Singh at World Cup finals.

MR to step down from PresiDuncy after 2015 World Cup.

My World Cup career is over says fast bowler Namal Rajapaksa.

SL deserved to win says Indian captain Dhoni.

News editor of Lanka E News takes police chief into custody.

Human rights group demands release of police chief.

Sri Lanka press India to amend constitution.

Sri Lanka says future cooperation with India depends on improvements in its human rights record.

Lankans gave up joy for Indians : Manmohan Singh.

Sri Lanka release US$ 218m to IMF.

MR to promote democracy in Switzerland.

US navy fire on Tamil Nadu fishermen.

Tourists misguide SL tour guides.

Milk powder price hike accepted joyfully by SL consumers.

Ruhunu University students brutally attack innocent police with bicycle chains, daggers and rods.

Elections Commissioner says SL only country in the world to hold free and fair elections.

Legal action to be filed against spectators by SL cricket Board over ticket sale rules.

International jubilation over killing of Lasantha Wickramatunga.

Come and witness semi final match with me – Gaddafi invites MR.

Ban Ki Moon and his supporters’ stage protest in front of minister Weerawansa’s office.

Ban Ki Moon in fast unto death to protest UN interference in SL affaires.

Professor G.L.Peries seeks political asylum in Libya.

Consumers plead for bakery product price hike before Sinhalese and Tamil New Year.

April 5, 2011

Sri RajaPakistani Crooked Team Wins World Cup

Coach Normal Rogerproxy had put together the perfect Sri RajaPakistani Crooked team. The only thing he was missing after La Shit Malinger retired was a good fast bowler. He had scouted all around the country, but he couldn't find a bowler who could ensure a World Cup win.

Then one night, while watching BooBee She, he saw a war-zone scene in JewMany. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Jewman soldier with an incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-ba-ka-ba-boom! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach Normal Rogerproxy said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to Sri RajaPakistan and teaches him the great game of crooked, and the Sri RajaPakistani Crooked team go on to win their 2nd World Cup after 25 years.

The young Jewman is feted as the Great Hero of Sri RajaPakistani Crooked, and when Coach Normal Rogerproxy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mum," he says into the phone, "I just won the World Cup."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans eating milk rice and lighting crackers and screaming ‘Maa throo booo meee yar’ at the top of my voice."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots bombs going off all around us. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble and rubbish. Your two brothers were abducted in white vans and beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight and the police say it is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of Sri RajaPakistan."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says...

"...I'll never forgive you for making us move from Jewmany to Sri RajaPakistan the Utopian Parasite of ASSia!