October 11, 2011

Steve Jobs dies in paintball shootout: Bill Gates security personnel have shot him – Bill Gates also critical and dripping with paint

(Daily Noise -11.Oct.2011, 6.45pm)

Steve Jobs, former CEO of Apple Inc. and Presidential advisor to Barrack O’Bummer died in a paintball shooting incident. Two security personnel of his have also died in the paintball shootout.

The security personnel of Bill Gates have been responsible for the shooting and killing. Steve Jobs had died on the way to the JoyWardNee Pora Hospital due to respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor which was aggravated by the paintballs lodged in his body .

Consequent to the shootout between the two groups, 10 victims have been hospitalized. This tragedy had occurred at about 3.30 pm in the vicinity of She-Ma-Whore Bundy Knacker Vid-Ya-La, Angoda, Noo Yuck.

Bill Gate’s group had also been shot at by the Steve Jobs group , whereby Bill Gates had sustained serious injuries to his ego . He had been admitted to the JoyWardNee Pora Hospital and is in a critical condition. Hospital sources say, he had been shot in the head, and a ‘Humanitarian Operation’ had been performed on him. JoyWardNee Pora Hospital medical Authority S A K Gummy Bear told the media, the CTC scan done on him had revealed that his head and ego had sustained serious injuries . Bill Gates father had disclosed that Doctors had told him that there is only a 20% chance of Bill Gates recovering to participate in future paintball shootouts and to run his Microsoft Company.

Meanwhile a curfew has been clamped on the police division of Molly-Ya-Wa. The curfew will be on from 4.30 pm today until 6.00am tomorrow. The users of Steve Jobs Apple products who were provoked following the death of Steve Jobs have begun attacking the Molly-Ya-Wa police with i-Phones and i-Pads and they have also set fire to two police computers with Windows operating systems, reports say. Though a curfew was imposed after the attack, the enraged Apple product users had set fire to a Microsoft office of Bill Gates defying the curfew.

The National guard had been deployed to provide security to the Molly-Ya-Wa police division. An FBI team had also arrived at the venue to conduct investigations. The CIA are conducting investigations to deduce if this paintball shooting was an ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of President Barrack O’Bummer.

This dispute between the Steve Jobs Apple Inc and the Bill Gates Microsoft Corporation had been raging for many years. Among the true Apple users there was deep disillusionment that Barrack O’Bummer was turning a blind eye, a deaf ear and a mute mouth to the illegal activities of the Microsoft Corporation.

Steve Jobs is survived by Laurene, his wife of 20 years, their three children and by Lisa Brennan-Jobs, his daughter from a previous relationship. His family released a statement saying that he "died peacefully due to respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor which was aggravated by the paintballs lodged in his body."

May 28, 2011

Sir NUT Jew Sorrya Plans Comeback After 25 Years In Retirement

Former Sri RajaPakistan captain and pinch hitter Sir NUT Jew Sorrya says he wants to return to first-class crooked, 25 years after his forced retirement. The 75-year-old, who was forced to retire through an act of ParleyMutts (118th Amendment to the Constipation) from crooked in 2020, will play club crooked with the aim of earning a recall to the Hum Bug Thotta team.

Sir NUT is 1534 runs short of 300,000 first-class runs and said that has played a part in his planned return.

“I thought that is an amazing EverestPidurutalagala for me to climb,” said Sir NUT, who played 822 Tests for Sri RajaPakistan.

Sir NUT, who revealed his desire to return on Kaak Kaak (A subsidiary of Twitter), said the desire to earn oodles and oodles of money gave him the urge to play crooked again, especially after receiving a text from a bookie revealing how close he was to the 300,000-run mark.

“In what is probably a bit of a geriatric crisis I have come up with a solution – I will speak to the PresiDunce and urge him to order the selectors to pick me in the team,” said Sir NUT, who will play for the Hum Bug Thotta - based One Family Crooked Club on his comeback trail.

Sir NUT sits second in Sri RajaPakistan’s all-time leading Test run scorers with 300,000 first-class runs with a highest score of 899 and a healthy average of 102.36 (statistics courtesy of the Central Bank of Sri Rajapakistan). The highest run scorer is (no prizes for guessing) PresiDunce Normal RogerProxy with 700,000 runs, at an average of 600.35. Once again, (statistics courtesy of the Central Bank of Sri Rajapakistan).

After 645 first-class games for Hum Bug Thottas, One Family Crooked Club, a persistent brain tumor forced him to retire from the game before undertaking a career as a ParleyMutt.
But Sir NUT believes his head can withstand the rigors of four days in the field.

“The head is pretty good, they took out the brain and replaced it with a monkey brain,” he added. Sir NUT – who turns 76 on 22 September, before the start of the Hum Bug Thotta Silly Lunket Shield competition – remains realistic about returning to first-class crooked. Hum Bug Thotta crooked chief executive DunceRaja Proxy has not totally dismissed the notion.

“For him to break into that would be a huge challenge, an almost impossible challenge for a 76-year-old, but for Sir NUT and bearing in mind that he is a sycophant of PresiDunce Normal RogerProxy, who knows? Anything is possible in the land of Sri RajaPakistan if you have the blessings of the One Family Dictatorship!” he said.

May 18, 2011

Sri Rajapakistan launches own T56 league

Sri Rajapakistan’s crooked board on Thursday announced its own glitzy T56 tournament, seeking to emulate the success of the hugely popular Indian Premier League.

The first edition of the Sri Rajapakistan Premier League (SRPL) will be played over 365 days from July 19th 2011 to July 19th 2012 and will feature teams from the island’s seven provinces and big international stars, according to a statement.

“T56’s massive popularity and status as the most exciting and entertaining format of crooked will be further enhanced by this newest tournament to the world of crooked,” read a Sri Rajapakistan Crooked statement.

While SRC kept mum (pronounced dumb) on the infamous despots likely to take part, local bought - and - paid - for - media named the likes of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad , Muhammad al-Gaddafi, Robert Mugabe, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-Il, Hu Jintao and Omar al-Bashir.

The teams will play each other 25 times, with the top four qualifying for the sham-finals. The winner of the tournament will be decided through a “Computer Jilmart,” and will automatically qualify for the Chumps League Twenty20, which is jointly promoted by the boards of India and South Africa.

All the SRPL games will be day-night encounters and played at Hum Bug Thotta’s Sri Rajapakistan Stadium. Each squad can have a maximum of five tin-pot dictators or despots but the starting XI can have only four of them.

However, in contrast to IPL’s high-profile auctions for players, the tin-pot dictators and despots will be assigned to hunter-killer teams by the Sri Rajapakistan One Family Dictatorship Selection Committee.

The seven teams are Basnahira Boothayaas, Kandurata Kabaragoyas, Nagenahira Nazaraaniyaas, Ruhuna Rajapakayas, Uthura Oooroomeeyaas, Uva Umbalakadayaas and Wayamba White Vans.

The league will be run by the Libyan-based Dumbugga Entertainment, who have bought the rights for 2500 years. The global television rights for the 365 matches have already been sold.

The SRPL could come as a particular blessing for Talaiban and Al Qaeda players. They have been ignored by the money-spinning IPL since the inaugural edition in 2008.

May 2, 2011

The Royal Wedding of Prince Namal Jilmart and Anarkali Middleton of Sri RajaPakistan

Prince Namal Jilmart and Anarkali Middleton were pronounced boy and wife at Hum-Bug-Thotta Abbey on Friday afternoon. With 1 million family members, hangers-on, sycophants and assorted henchmen packed into Hum-Bug-Thotta Abbey, an estimated 10 million lining the streets of Hum-Bug-Thotta and with millions more watching on television, the eyes of the universe were on the couple as they exchanged their vows. Prince Namal Jilmart will take up the title Duke of Hum-Bug-Thotta and Anarkali Middleton will become Her Pea-Brained Highness the Duchess of Hum-Bug-Thotta.

There was a plethora of famous names who witnessed the wedding, from the Supreme Leader of the Klinglon Empire, Captain Kirk of the Star Ship Enterprise to former England football captain David Beckham and his Klinglon born wife Victoria Beckham. Prince Namal Jilmart chose to wear a military uniform in place of the usual “kapati kit” to the wedding and Miss Anarkali Middleton managed the unenviable task of keeping her wedding dress a secret. She wore an ivory and poplin gown designed by the House of Fashion.

Around 1 million family members, hangers-on, sycophants and assorted henchmen were invited back to the Hotel de Temple Palace for a buffet lunch and then 300 plus close family members were invited for the black tie dinner consisting of kurakan and kola kenda. There were fears that the event could be marred by international conspiracies to tarnish the image of the country. However the predicted international conspiracies never materialised. Thousands of party supporters were given a bath packet, a soft drink bottle and 500 rupees and made to line the streets to cheer the newlywed couple.

The happy couple will honeymoon in Burma and spend 2 weeks in Libya at the invitation of Colonel Gaddafi. The couple told the Daily Noise in an exclusive interview that, “The affection shown to us by so many idiots around the universe during our engagement has been incredibly moving and has touched us both deeply.”

April 17, 2011

I want to be the most Influential Idiot in the Universe!

This is a new Alphabet for the ‘Vocal Majority’ from the ‘Silent Minority’.

A is for Abductions that take place daily, usually blamed on aliens.

B is for Benz Bikkus who live in the lap of luxury.

C is for Censorship of TV programmes showing scenes of alcohol and tobacco.

D is for Doctor Delipihiya patron saint of murder and mayhem.

E is for Elections which are neither free nor fair.

F is for Freedom of abduction, harassment and imprisonment under the Prevention of Tourism Act.

G is for Gullible majority who have been hoodwinked since 1948.

H is for Human rights abuses that occur 465 days of the year.

I is for IndepenDunce also known as the ’63 Year Curse’. (We were better off under the British!)

J is for Jayasuriya, who will probably play until the 2043 World Cup or until he gets his EPF?

K is for Kassipu. (A bottle a day keeps the liver awake.)

L is for Lies, damned lies and statistics that the government media saturates us with each day.

M is for Mahinda Chinthanaya. (Who needs the Bible, Koran and Tripitaka when we have the ‘chinthanaya.’

N is for Nepotism or favoritism to relatives. (Also check R)

O is for the 17 Patriotic Opposition MPs who crossed over to the government to save the country.

P is for Pillayan, who became Chief Minister of the East using the ‘Bullet’ to get the ‘Ballot.’

Q is for Question mark? When will we become the ASS Chariya Rai of the universe? When pigs fly or when hell freezes over?

R is for Rajapaksa Poshanaya of Mahinda, Basil, Goatabaya and Chamal.

T is for Terrorism. Both the LTTE kind and the State sponsored kind.

U is for Underestimate. What the Government always does of the LTTE.

V is for Velupillai Prabahakaran may you rest in pieces.(very very small pieces)

W is for Wickramasinghe (Ranil). The greatest President that never governed Sri Lanka.

X is for Xenophobia or the island mentality. The dislike of all things foreign.

Y is for Yearning for yesterday. The national pastime of living in the past.

Z is for Zero Casualties the tall story that only most Sinhalese believe.

April 6, 2011


Sai Baba resigns from captaincy.

Sanga on life-support with chest and lung infection.

Step motherly treatment for Manmohan Singh at World Cup finals.

MR to step down from PresiDuncy after 2015 World Cup.

My World Cup career is over says fast bowler Namal Rajapaksa.

SL deserved to win says Indian captain Dhoni.

News editor of Lanka E News takes police chief into custody.

Human rights group demands release of police chief.

Sri Lanka press India to amend constitution.

Sri Lanka says future cooperation with India depends on improvements in its human rights record.

Lankans gave up joy for Indians : Manmohan Singh.

Sri Lanka release US$ 218m to IMF.

MR to promote democracy in Switzerland.

US navy fire on Tamil Nadu fishermen.

Tourists misguide SL tour guides.

Milk powder price hike accepted joyfully by SL consumers.

Ruhunu University students brutally attack innocent police with bicycle chains, daggers and rods.

Elections Commissioner says SL only country in the world to hold free and fair elections.

Legal action to be filed against spectators by SL cricket Board over ticket sale rules.

International jubilation over killing of Lasantha Wickramatunga.

Come and witness semi final match with me – Gaddafi invites MR.

Ban Ki Moon and his supporters’ stage protest in front of minister Weerawansa’s office.

Ban Ki Moon in fast unto death to protest UN interference in SL affaires.

Professor G.L.Peries seeks political asylum in Libya.

Consumers plead for bakery product price hike before Sinhalese and Tamil New Year.

April 5, 2011

Sri RajaPakistani Crooked Team Wins World Cup

Coach Normal Rogerproxy had put together the perfect Sri RajaPakistani Crooked team. The only thing he was missing after La Shit Malinger retired was a good fast bowler. He had scouted all around the country, but he couldn't find a bowler who could ensure a World Cup win.

Then one night, while watching BooBee She, he saw a war-zone scene in JewMany. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Jewman soldier with an incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-ba-ka-ba-boom! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach Normal Rogerproxy said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to Sri RajaPakistan and teaches him the great game of crooked, and the Sri RajaPakistani Crooked team go on to win their 2nd World Cup after 25 years.

The young Jewman is feted as the Great Hero of Sri RajaPakistani Crooked, and when Coach Normal Rogerproxy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mum," he says into the phone, "I just won the World Cup."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans eating milk rice and lighting crackers and screaming ‘Maa throo booo meee yar’ at the top of my voice."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots bombs going off all around us. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble and rubbish. Your two brothers were abducted in white vans and beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight and the police say it is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of Sri RajaPakistan."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says...

"...I'll never forgive you for making us move from Jewmany to Sri RajaPakistan the Utopian Parasite of ASSia!

March 9, 2011

How Sri Lanka Can Win The 2011 World Cup

1. Appoint Mahinda Rajapaksa match referee in all the WC matches played by Sri Lanka.

2. Appoint Gotabaya and Basil as on field umpires and Namal as the 3rd umpire in all the WC matches played by Sri Lanka.

3. Appoint Chamal Rajapaksa as manager of the Sri Lanka cricket team.

4. Only allow Sri Lankan fans to enter the stadiums where the SL cricket team plays it’s matches.

5. Declare Mervin Silva and Wimal Weerawansa official cheerleaders of the SL cricket team and let them roam around the match venues intimidating fans and supporters of the opposing teams.

6. Bring in a 19th Amendment to the constitution making it compulsory for all Sri Lankans irrespective of their race or religion to fly the Sinhala flag from their homes and scream ‘JAYA WAY WAA’ every time a 4 or a 6 is scored by the SL team.

7. Declare the hotels accommodating opposition teams as “NO FIRE ZONES” and then promptly bombard them with multi-barrel rockets and cluster bombs.

8. Change the cricket laws so that Murali and Lasith Malinga can bowl 25 overs each of the allotted 50 overs given to the SL team in each game.

9. During crunch matches, use “White Vans” to abduct key players of opposition teams and promptly blame the abductions on an “International Conspiracy” to tarnish the image of the country.

10. Wrap cricket balls with “Holy Thread” (pirith nool) utter some mumbo jumbo over the balls and place them in the stadiums where the SL team plays its games in order to bring them good luck.

February 1, 2011

Often quoted quotes by Sun Tzu Paksha modified to suit the present day Sri Lanka

"You must listen to the words of Sun-Tzu Paksha. If you will not listen to the words of Sun-Tzu Paksha, one third of your army will die, one third of your army will desert you and one third of your army will sell vegetables in the market."

"There is no victory unless you scream ‘maathrooboomeyaa’ bang your chest and kiss the airport tarmac."

"The general who heeds the words of Sun-Tzu Paksha shall be victorious. The general who does not heed the words of Sun-Tzu Paksha shall be defeated. The general who has never even heard of Sun-Tzu Paksha and just spends his time writing to groundviews about paradigm shifts and semantics shall be made Ambassador of France."

"To win, you must know yourself, know your enemy, know your weapons, and know how to blow those people who don’t agree with your point of view from the face of this earth."

"Victory cannot be achieved by writing to groundviews about paradigm shifts and semantics, unless you are fighting an enemy that gives up or simply dies outright upon being exposed to paradigm shifts and semantics on groundviews."

"Know what your enemies are afraid of. They will retreat, and you will destroy them without fighting any lawsuits."

"Know your enemy, know yourself, know your girlfriend's ex Pradeshiya Saba husband's abusive temperament, know his work schedule, and most importantly know the fastest way to get the hell out of there if he decides to come home early."

"Make war, not kola kenda."

"When fighting an enemy that insists on taking constant toilet breaks, take advantage of the breaks to catch up on your favourite teledramas."

"For one to be successful in war, one must yell 'JAYA WAY WAA' every time one kills an enemy".

"All men can see the tactics whereby I conquer, but there's no way I'm letting them see my wife naked."

"The high ground is easier to defend, and easier to attack from. The low ground, on the other hand, is often wet and full of dengue mosquitoes.

"When your enemy has the high ground, it's all over, so never wage a Humanitarian war in Nepal."

"All warfare is based on deception. Hey David Black & Decker! What's that behind you?"

"Enemies are bad, we are good - therefore nobody will mind if we do horrible things to them except ‘International Conspirators’ and other such people."

"You shall not win a war by reading The Art of War alone. You must also assemble an army, do some fighting, kill a couple of thousand enemies, call it a ‘Humanitarian Operation’ with ‘Zero Casualties’ that sort of thing."

"A victory is only made official by a celebration involving kiribath, kavun and fire crackers."

"To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the greatest skill. The greatest skill is to win one thousand victories in one thousand battles with ‘zero casualties’ and call it the asschariya rai of asia."

“Winning the war and losing the peace is the acme of skill.”