December 10, 2009
Once upon a time, when Jollyass Seesaw was Caretaker of Idiot Island, he led his Peacekeeping forces against the Tranquil Tourists in the north of the island. After a long drawn out humanitarian crusade, he was finally able to subdue them, and returned to the capital city Koollamboob in triumph. There were many celebrations throughout the country with drinking, dancing, eating of milk rice and lighting of fire crackers. The Idiot Islanders thronged the streets in their best clothes, cheering Seesaw, while putting up banners and hoardings of him and garlanding his statues.
As Seesaws bulletproof limousine passed through the crowd, there was seated beside him, his wife Mrs. Seesaw and his most trusted companion and chief advisor, Antony Wansahero. Also included in his entourage was dynamic and eloquent opposition parleymutt Ronnywicks, General Brootoast Funnyshaker, Tilvanius and Wansasumo. As they passed along, the Idiot Islanders cheered and pressed upon them, and yet above the tumult one voice sounded shriller than the rest as it cried out, "Seesaw! Seesaw!" Seesaw too, heard the voice and signalled the driver to stop while he listened. The man was a soothsayer who did a weekly astrology program on a private TV station.
When he saw that Seesaw had halted, he said: "Beware the Ides of January!" So Seesaw ordered that the man should come out of the crowd so that he might see him. Once more the soothsayer said, "Beware the Ides of January!" Seesaw with a shrug replied, "He is an international conspirator. Have him taken to the fourth floor of the Butterland Pleasure Chambers, and tickle him with chicken feathers, and question him for 24 hours!"
As the procession continued towards the Pompeydasa International Amphitheatre, General Brootoast paused as if reluctant to continue on. Tilvanius who had been watching him closely, asked Brootoast whether he did not want to watch the Idiot Island versus Hindiyaar crooked match; to which Brootoast answered that he had better things to do than to watch 22 grown men chasing after a white ball. The streets by this time were deserted, as everyone had gone to witness the match. After a while, Tilvanius and Brootoast heard the sounds of shouting and the sounds of paparay bands. "What does that shouting mean?" asked Brootoast. "I fear the Idiot Islanders will choose Seesaw for their king!" replied Tilvanius. "Though I love the man, I would not want him as my king!" said Brootoast. This gave Tilvanius the opening he desired, to try and stir Brootoast against Seesaw. So he went on, "A few years ago, during the caretaker elections, Seesaw cried out to me and Wansasumo. 'Help me Tilvanius…help me Wansasumo…to become caretaker of Idiot Island!' And so we helped him. This is the man who has now become a God, and Tilvanius must bow low before him if he merely looks my way. When he was afflicted by swine flu, the colour fled from his lips and he murmured like a sick girl, 'Give me some water, Tilvanius.' And yet a man so feeble has become supreme in the whole country!"
By this time Seesaw and his entourage were coming back from the match. Hindiyaar had won in the final over, with 3 balls to spare. Seesaw had noticed that Brootoast and Tilvanius were no longer with him, and when he saw them whispering together and looking at him, he pointed them out to Wanshero. "Let me have men that are fat and sleep well at night. That Tilvanius looks lean and hungry; he thinks too much, and such men are dangerous; if there were a man I could fear, Tilvanius is the first man I should avoid!" Anthony Wansahero did not agree with Seesaw. He was an easy-going man who loved wine, women, song and playing around with his two state-of-the-art cellular phones. When Seesaw and the rest had left, Brootoast asked Wansasumo what had happened at the Pompeydasa International Amphitheatre, and Wansasumo replied, "The Idiot Islanders offered him a crown 3 times, and each time Seesaw refused it and said, I'm not your king...I'm only your caretaker!"
After that the 3 men parted. When they had gone, Tilvanius knew that his plan was succeeding. Brootoast was an honourable humanitarian, yet he could be persuaded. A few days later, a terrible storm broke over Idiot Island, and strange incidents started to happen throughout the country. The stock market crashed; many foreign investors wound up their businesses and left the island; most countries in their travel advisories warned their citizens against visiting the island; rich countries stopped lending money to Seesaw's government, and United Bankers secretary general Banking Boom urged Seesaw to resettle the Tranquil Welfare Holiday Campers as soon as possible. All these strange events seemed to portend some great calamity. Most Idiot Islanders were terrified by what was happening. Tilvanius who met Wansasumo on the street, told him that the heavens were sending these warnings because the Idiot Islanders were trying to turn mortal men into immortal Gods! "You mean Seesaw?" asked Wansasumo. "Yes indeed," replied Tilvanius, "they say that tomorrow the parleymutts mean to make Seesaw a king, and he will wear his crown where ever he goes!"
Meanwhile Brootoast was pacing up and down in his house. The more he thought, the more he realised that only through the permanent rehabilitation of Seesaw could Idiot Island really be free. So far Seesaw had only used his power to form a dynasty and install his close relatives in key government positions; but once he was crowned king, he would have unlimited power. In the evening, Tilvanius and his international conspirators entered the house of Brootoast. They were – Wansasumo, Kehelmala, Milimoro, Rayjasenna, Amusara, Tenderman, Seefour and Esbidi. Brootoast welcomed them all and shook each man by the hand. Then they all sat down and began to discuss how their plot might be carried out. In time Tilvanius said, "It is doubtful whether Seesaw will appear tomorrow, for he has become superstitious lately and these strange omens and the persuasion of his advisors will keep him away from the parleymutts building!" "Never fear that," said Milimoro, "I can persuade Seesaw and bring him to the parleymutts building." As everything was decided, each conspirator left for their respective homes, leaving Brootoast home alone.
All that night the thunder and lightning continued and no one on Idiot Island slept...that is except for the deaf, dumb and blind. In the morning, Mrs. Seesaw begged Seesaw not to leave for the parleymutts building. She pleaded with him to send Antony Wansahero to inform the parleymutts that Seesaw was not well. But just then, Milimoro arrived and bade Seesaw a good morning, and said that he had come to accompany him to the parleymutts building. Seesaw replied to Milimoro, "Tell the parleymutts that I will not attend today as Mrs. Seesaw saw a bad dream about me!" "But Seesaw!" interjected Milimoro, "The parleymutts have agreed this day to bestow a crown upon Seesaw. If you do not attend today, it will become a joke; and people will say, 'Dismiss the parleymutts until Mrs. Seesaw has better dreams.' If Seesaw hides himself, they will say that the mighty Seesaw is afraid!" Seesaw was so convinced by Milimoro's words that he set off with him to the parleymutts building.
As they passed through the streets Seesaw saw the soothsayer, who had by this time had been released from the fourth floor of the Butterland Pleasure Chambers, and said to him smiling, "The Ides of January are come!" "Yes Seesaw," he replied, "but not gone!" So Seesaw entered the parleymutts building and took his seat.
The international conspirators drew near to him, and crowded around him. First Brootoast knelt before him, took his hand and kissed it. Then on the other side, Tilvanius knelt before him, and so did the rest of the conspirators. By this time, Wansasumo had crept around behind Seesaw's chair. Suddenly with his 9 millimetre pistol drawn, he cried out, "Speak, 9 millimetre for me!" Then all of them fell upon Seesaw with their 9 millimetres drawn, and shot him again and again. For a while Seesaw resisted, but when he saw that General Brootoast his friend was also one of the conspirators, he cried out, "Et tu Brootoast! You son of a beach ball!" Then he hid his face with the red towel he wore around his neck, and fell permanently rehabilitated at the foot of Pompeydaasa's statue. When the conspirators saw that Seesaw was permanently rehabilitated, they cried out aloud, "Liberty! Freedom! Jayaho! Tyranny is permanently rehabilitated!" When Antony Wansahero appeared, Brootoast turned towards him and told him to take Seesaw's body to the Barney Roman Funeral Parlour and prepare it for the funeral. After which he was instructed to bring the casket to the Independence Circle where Wansahero could speak on behalf of Seesaw.
On the day of Seesaw's funeral, first spoke Brootoast. Brootoast said, "Seesaw once said that there are only two kinds of people on Idiot Island! Those who love the island, and those who do not love the Island! I Brootoast loved Idiot Island, which is why I permanently rehabilitated Seesaw. If I have offended anybody by my deed, speak up!" And the crowd shouted back, "Brootoast has offended no one! The wannabe king is dead! Long live Brootoast the new caretaker of Idiot Island!"
And then it was the turn of Antony Wansahero. Wansahero went up to the podium and checked the microphone, and began to speak. "Friends, Idiot Islanders, Country Bumpkins...lend me your ears, and I promise to return them after I have finished with them! The evil that men do lies buried up north in thousands of unmarked graves. The good is also interred with the bones. I come to speak at Seesaws funeral because he was my friend, faithful and just to me; and not because Seesaw made me his chief advisor or gave me a large mansion to live in or lavished me with many backup vehicles and hundreds of bodyguards! But Brootoast says he was ambitious! And I say that's because Seesaw did not give Brootoast a large mansion to live in or lavish him with many backup vehicles and hundreds of bodyguards! I say this is sour grapes Brootoast! But Brootoast is an honourable humanitarian."
Then Antony Wanshero produced a folded paper which he held up for the crowd to see. "Here is a paper sealed with Seesaws seal! It is his last will and testament." The people wondered what might be in the will, and they cried out to Antony Wansahero to read it. So Wansahero unfolded the paper and began to read the will.
"To every Idiot Islander I leave ten raypees each. My Shysterland bank accounts I leave to my family members. The Yale and Wilpot jungles, the rivers, lakes, valleys, mountains, waterfalls, the fish in the sea and animals on the land I bequeath to the citizens on Idiot Island. I also leave them a half finished harbour, a not yet begun airport and my bankrupt 'Seesaw Air' airlines!" The crowd roared with satisfaction, and there was much clapping and cheering after the will was read. After that the crowd took Seesaws body, made a pyre with anything that would burn. They then set Seesaws body on it, and set fire to it. Then taking burning fagots from the pyre, they ran around to the houses of the conspirators and set them on fire.
Brootoast and Tilvanius and their friends managed to escape to Hindiyaar where they raised a peacekeeping force with which they prepared to meet Antony Wansahero. As time went on Brootoast and Tilvanius started to fight amongst themselves as to who would be caretaker after Wansahero was defeated. Wansahero in the mean time had landed in Hindiyaar with a large peacekeeping force of his own, and surrounded Brootoast and Tilvanius. Brootoast and Tilvanius committed seaside by jumping in the sea, rather than surrender to Wansahero. And thus those responsible for the permanent rehabilitation of Seesaw were permanently rehabilitated themselves. Nevertheless, Antony Wansahero honoured Brootoast, for of all the conspirators he alone was moved not by envy of Seesaw, but by a desire for the good of his country.
December 7, 2009
We at IIFDA hope to, “Wipe out Corruption in Government by wiping out Government!”
We will, “Give Government back to the People and make everyone his/her own lawmaker!”
LET’S RETURN TO THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE!
1. Don’t vote on Election Day!
2. Don’t support any political parties!
3. Don’t obey the laws of the land!
4. Don’t inform authorities about potential seaside bummers who target parleymutts!
5. Don’t inform authorities about roadside bums targeted at parleymutts!
6. Don’t watch government TV or read government newspapers!
7. Don’t even join this organisation!
We are a non-profit organisation dedicated to the proposition that “Government Stinks!” and the people who vote for parleymutts stink even more!
Let’s face it…when a man’s gotta go…a man’s gotta go!
At times like this, to be or not to be, is not the question…but how and where you can be! After some deliberation and the matter has been dropped, the best paper to wipe your rear end is none other than “Percy Bean Toilet Paper!”
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“Percy Bean Toilet Paper” has become an instant hit with Tranquil Holiday Campers taking an extended holiday in "Welfare Holiday Camps" in the north of the "Democrazy Theocrazy Banana Republic of Idiot Island."
According to eyewitness reports, 3,00,000 Tranquil Holiday Campers using “Percy Bean Toilet Paper” to wipe their rear ends, 7 days a week, 365 days a year is certainly a sight for sore eyes!
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December 3, 2009
War & Peace would become, War is Election Victories.
Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince would become, Harry Potter & the Blood Thirsty Wannabe KING.
The Passion of Christ would become, The War Passion of Mahinda.
Star Wars would become, Humanitarian Wars.
The Last of the Mohicans would become, The Last of the Tigers.
Lord of the Rings would become, Lord of the GREENS (Starring Ranil Wickramasinghe)
Slum Dog Millionaire would become, Four War Lord Millionaire Brothers.
Doctor Zhivago would become, Doctor Mervin Silva.
Cry Freedom would become, Cry Human Rights Abuses.
Star Wars – Return of the Jedi would become, Humanitarian Wars – Return of the Praba.
Mission Impossible would become, Free & Fair Elections is a Mission Impossible.
The Good, Bad & the Ugly would become, Ranil, Gotabaya & Bandula Gunewardene.
Kill Bill would become, Kill Lasantha.
Robin Hood & his Merry Men would become, Prabahakaran & his Suicidal Men.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would become, The Four Brothers of the Family Dictatorship.
Anthony & Cleopatra would become, Karuna & Pillayan.
Catch Me If You Can would become, Catch Lasantha’s Killers If You Can.
Treasure Island would become, IDIOT ISLAND.
Enter the Dragon would become, Enter the No Fire Zone.
Austin Powers ‘Goldmember’ would become, Mervin Silva ‘Member of Parliament.
David Copperfield would become, David Milliband.
The Three Musketeers would become, The Four Rajapaksas.
Close Encounters of the Third Kind would become, Ceasefire for the Last Time.
Gangs of New York would become, White Van Gangs of Colombo.
The Greatest Story Ever Told would become, The Tallest Stories Ever Told. (Starring Keheliya Rambukwella & Brigadier Udaya Nanayakara.
Lawrence of Arabia would become, Gaddafi of Libya.
The Matrix would become, The Politricksters.
Raging Bull would become, Raging BULLY. (Starring Mervin Silva)
The Mummy would become, The DUMMY. (Starring R.Duminda Silva)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest would become, One Dropped Cluster Bombs on the NO FIRE ZONE.
No Retreat, No Surrender would become, No Ceasefire, No Devolution of Power.
The Great Train Robbery would become, The Great Helping Hambanthota Tsunami Aid Robbery.
Tarzan of the Apes would become, Mahinda of the Sinhala Buddhists.
The Great Escape would become, The Great Escape of Praba.
Ocean’s Eleven would become, Mahinda’s Hundred an Eleven (Cabinet Ministers).
The Killing Fields would become, The Killing Fields of the NO FIRE ZONE.
Rasputin the Mad Monk would become, Jathika Hela Urumaya & its Racist Monks.
The Guns of Navarone would become, The Guns of Vellamoolyvaikal.
Dirty Harry would become, Dirty Harry Jayawardene.
The Creature From the Black Lagoon would become, The Creature From the Diyawanna Oya. (Starring Mervin Silva)
A Fist Full of Dollars would become, A Fist Full of IMF Dollars.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers would become, Invasion of the International Conspirators.
The Prisoner of Zenda would become, The Prisoners’ of the Vanni Concentration Camps.
Conan the Barbarian would become, Kohona the Humanitarian.
Born Free would become, Born in a Vanni Concentration Camp.
Missing in Action would become, Zero Casualties.
Kill Bill 2 would become, Kill Journalists.
ET would become, KP (Kevin Petersen).
November 26, 2009
Now that elections are around the corner, a number of Political Vacancies are available in the “Democrazy Theocrazy Banana Republic of Idiot Island.” Only opposition MPs, Patriotic Underworld Personages and Retired Peacekeeping Personnel will be deemed eligible to apply.
Given below are some of the vacancies:
1. Ambassador to the Bermuda Triangle.
2. Special Envoy to the Arctic Circle.
3. Ambassador to the South Pole.
4. Secretary of State to the Khyber Pass.
5. Special Representative to the Gaza Strip.
6. Permanent Representative to the Swat Valley.
7. Secretary General of Siberia.
8. Viceroy to the Christmas Islands.
9. Secretary to the Defence Secretaries Secretary.
10. Governor of Wooly mooly why call.
11. Mayor of Put the Kuddu Rip Poo.
12. Chief Minister of Nerdy Cuddle.
13. Sheriff of Full of Thieves Jungle.
14. Minister of Nation Building. (15 Vacancies)
15. Deputy Minister of Inland Fisheries & Ornamental Fish.
16. Minister of Bus Halts & Pavement Construction. (8 Vacancies)
17. Advisor to the Presidents Chief Advisor.
18. Chief of Staff to the Ministry of Peace.
19. Advisor to the President on Astrology, Asteriods and UFOs. (12 Vacancies)
20. Minister of International Conspiracies. (5 Vacancies)
21. Ministry of Zero Casualties and Satellite Images. (7 Vacancies)
22. Deputy Minister for Swine Flu & Dengue Mosquitoes.
23. Government Spokesman for Lies, Damned Lies & Statistics.
24. Minister for Welfare of Journalists & Media Personnel.
25. Minister of Welfare Holiday Camps & Internally Displaced Holiday Campers.
26. Minister of Monsoonal Rain & Cyclone Management.
27. Minister of Election Violence & Unnatural Disasters. (111 Vacancies)
Applicants are kindly requested to send in their CVs including the contact numbers of 2 non related family members on or before or after December 23rd 2009AD. A cheque for 5 million US Raypees should also be enclosed as a donation for the ongoing election campaign and mailed to the address given below.
His Hex-A-Lunacy President Percy Bean,
Caretaker of the Democrazy Theocrazy Banana Republic of Idiot Island,
No. 9/11, Hum-Bug-Thotta
Girl Face Groin,
October 15, 2009
With apologies to Humpty Dumpty…
King Rogerproxy sat on a THRONE…
King Rogerproxy had a great FALL…
All the Kings Brothers…
And all the Kings Henchmen…
Couldn't put King Rogerproxy Together again…
Oh dearee me...
October 8, 2009
September 2, 2009
George Bernard Shaw once said, “Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.” (Remember Lasantha?). One is also reminded of words of the 19th century poet Heinrich Heine who said, “Whenever books are burnt, men also, in the end are burnt.”
The Dictatorship of Sri Lanka today is only the latest in a long line of Dictatorships worldwide who have tried to snuff out unpalatable ideas and comments by abducting, intimidating, beating and killing its journalists. J.S.Tissainayagam is one of the many such journalists who has been given a prison sentence of 20 years.
The first recorded victim of censorship was Socrates who, in 399 BC was forced to drink poison for ‘denying the gods and introducing new divinities.’ In China, in 213 BC, Emperor Shih Huang-Ti had all writing not pertaining to agriculture or medicine burnt. His target: Confucius’ thoughts. Present day China is no better.
During the last century, it was the communists who most systematically censored books and hounded their authors. Writers in every communist country from East Germany to Vietnam were forced into concentration camps. Boris Pasternak, Joseph Brodsky, Milan Kundera, Czeslaw Milosz and Alexander Solzhenitsyn were just a few. Hitler’s Germany burnt the books of Jewish authors and liberals, exterminating thousands in their notorious gas chambers and forcing others to flee. In Mahinda’s Sri Lanka, over 14 journalist’s, the majority of them tamils have been killed in the past 3 years. Many more journalist’s have been abducted, beaten and intimidated to keep them from writing the truth.
Sometime back the Government blocked access to the Tamilnet, but what the Government does not understand is that with the advance of technology, censorship has become obsolete. The truth is only a click away. All you need to do to read the Tamilnet is to go to a proxy site.
In today’s day and age it is no longer possible to stop the message or the truth getting out by killing or imprisoning the messenger.
If this sorry state of affaires continues, this country will be known the world over as, “The Autocratic, Dictatorial Banana Republic of Sri Lanka!”
August 27, 2009
August 25, 2009
The passage given below is taken from George Orwell’s famous dystopian novel “1984.” (Part 2, chapter 9)
Given this background, one could infer, if one did not know it already, the general structure of Oceanic society. At the apex of the pyramid comes Big Brother. Big Brother is infallible and all-powerful. Every success, every achievement, every victory, every scientific discovery, all knowledge, all wisdom, all happiness, all virtue, are held to issue directly from his leadership and inspiration. Nobody has ever seen Big Brother. He is a face on the hoardings, a voice on the telescreen. We may be reasonably sure that he will never die, and there is already considerable uncertainty as to when he was born. Big Brother is the guise in which the Party chooses to exhibit itself to the world. His function is to act as a focusing point for love, fear, and reverence, emotions which are more easily felt towards an individual than towards an organization. Below Big Brother comes the Inner Party, its numbers limited to six millions, or something less than 2 per cent of the population of Oceania. Below the Inner Party comes the Outer Party, which, if the Inner Party is described as the brain of the State, may be justly likened to the hands. Below that come the dumb masses whom we habitually refer to as 'the proles', numbering perhaps 85 per cent of the population.
Those of you who have read the book and have been living in Sri Lanka for the past three years will understand the similarities between the passage given above and what is happening in Sri Lanka today. For those who may have not read the book, just reread the passage given below with the changes I have made. (My changes are in capital letters).
Given this background, one could infer, if one did not know it already, the general structure of SRI LANKAN SOCIETY. At the apex of the pyramid comes MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA. MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA is infallible and all-powerful. Every success, every achievement, every victory, every scientific discovery, all knowledge, all wisdom, all happiness, all virtue, are held to issue directly from his leadership and inspiration. Nobody has ever seen MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA. He is a face on the hoardings, a voice on the RUPAVAHINI. We may be reasonably sure that he will never die, and there is already considerable uncertainty as to when he was born. MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA is the guise in which the UPFA chooses to exhibit itself to the world. His function is to act as a focusing point for love, fear, and reverence, emotions which are more easily felt towards an individual than towards an organization. Below MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA comes the PARTY SUPPORTERS, FAMILY MEMBERS & HANGERS ON its numbers limited to six millions, or something less than 2 per cent of the population of SRI LANKA. Below the PARTY SUPPORTERS, FAMILY MEMBERS & HANGERS ON comes the BUDDHIST CLERGY, which, if the PARTY SUPPORTERS, FAMILY MEMBERS & HANGERS ON are described as the brain of the State, may be justly likened to the hands. Below that come the dumb masses whom we habitually refer to as ‘THE SINHALA BUDDHIST MAJORITY,’ numbering perhaps 85 per cent of the population.
This is the sad state that this beautiful country has fallen to. To understand more read the full book. It can be read online by clicking on the following link,
August 11, 2009
August 6, 2009
July 30, 2009
July 29, 2009
There lies an eerie silence,
on the grassy fields pock marked
with craters scattered amongst the broken trees
and trampled flowers where,
twenty thousand died because they were,
in the wrong place at the wrong time.
You are either with us or against us!
If you remain on their side, you will die like dogs!
But if you come over to our side, you can
live like dogs in barbed wire camps!
That was the ultimatum, before the bombs
and shells and rockets began to fall.
Those responsible for these humanitarian atrocities,
are now heroes in the eyes of the vocal majority who
celebrated the death of the twenty thousand,
while the silent minorities silently wondered if they would be next!
The swine flu infected majority thought,
this was a war without witnesses.
But they did not count on one witness,
that was too high in the sky to be destroyed or killed!
Like they did to TV stations and journalists!
A witness that was too far away to be intimidated or abducted in,
‘Unidentified Four wheeled Objects!’
A witness that was beyond the range of multi barrel rockets and artillery!
A witness that could not be insulted by state media!
A witness that could not be bribed into withholding evidence!
The Eye In The Sky Saw It All!
Satellite evidence that only blind patriots and idiots would deny!
Those who survived, can rest assured that,
the world will never forgive or forget!
July 9, 2009
July 8, 2009
Breaking Noise: Sources close to the Jackson family claim that Michael Jackson fully endorsed the ‘Mahinda Chinthanaya’ before his untimely death. Jackson had told reporters, “I’m BAD…I’m BAD…but the ‘Chinthanaya’ is good!”
July 2, 2009
June 25, 2009
(and may humanitarian lighting strike you if you don’t believe us)
Breaking News from Idiot Island Television (IIT) brought to you by Military Comedian Brigadiar Youliar Peenorkeeyokaara and Government Comedian Kehelmala Rambutang.
Idiot Island 2009 AD (20.40am)
Three Tranquil men…a butcher, a baker and a candle stick maker were captured in a tub by the Idiot Island Navy (IIN) while trying to escape to Tranquil Naadoo. The IIN recovered 50 loves of bread, 20 pounds of chicken beef and 150 candles that were hidden in the tub. Informed sources say that an investigation will be held to ascertain whether the bread, chicken beef and candles had been brought into the island during the period of the ‘If You’ll Don’t Shoot, We Wont Shoot Agreement.’
Idiot Island 2009 AD (21.10am)
It has been verified that Tourist Leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom’s pet dog Lassie Master, pet cat Garfield Master and pet parrot Polly Master were shot dead while trying to escape in an ambulance across the Pork Straits, 500 meters from Bacon junction! DNA tests prove beyond a doubt that Lassie Master was a dog, Garfield Master was a cat and Polly Master was indeed a parrot. A large consignment of dog food, cat food and bird seed was also recovered from the captured ambulance. Authorities believe that this consignment of pet food entered Idiot Island during the 3rd World War when Joypang was bombing the Pale Arbour, and not during the period of the ‘If You’ll Don’t Shoot, We Wont Shoot Agreement’ as stated by BooBeeSee, See & End and Helljayzee Raw.
Idiot Island 2009 AD (21.17am)
In news just in, an eye witness states that Tourist Leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom was teleported up to the ‘Starship Enterprise’ a few minute ago! The witness said that as armed jokers surrounded Tourist Leader Prebiocarrom, he spoke into a satellite phone and said, “Beam Me Up, Scotty!” Then a flash of light emanated from the Enterprise and engulfed the Tourist Leader. When the light faded away a few seconds later, there was no trace of Mr. Prebiocarrom. Efforts to contact Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock of the ‘Starship Enterprise,’were to no avail.
Idiot Island 2009 AD (22.56am)
Commandant of the ‘Treblinka Welfare Concentration Camp,’(TWCC) Major Himmler Heyadrich told reporters today, that the Tranquil Tourists of this camp should consider TWCC as a tourist resort, and their stay there as an all-expense-paid government holiday. “The barbed wire surrounding the camp, and the armed SS (Stinkerlees Soldiers) were there to protect the Tranquil Tourists from unscrupulous tour guides and inquisitive journalists,” said the commandant. Major Himmler Heyadrich also stated that he would leave no stone unturned in trying to provide 5-star-hospitality for all the holiday makers in the TWCC. Major Himmler insisted when asked by a reporter that a 7 course meal will be provided 3 times a day to each Tranquil Tourist for the next 26 years, courtesy of the Government of Idiot Island. Major Himmler also said that United Bankers Secretary General, Mr. Banking Boom who visited the TWCC had praised him for his efficiency in running the camp.
Idiot Island 2009 AD (23.46am)
General Polpot Funnyshaker today denied charges that 20,000 eggs had been broken to make omelettes for the heroic armed jokers fooling around in the north of Idiot Island. General Funnyshaker told reporters that not a single egg was broken while making omelettes. He further stated that his armed jokers had proved to the whole of Planet Mirth that they were the only jokers who could make omelettes without breaking a single egg. When asked by reporters about the thousands of egg shells that were strewn around the ‘Please Don’t Fire We Are Only Innocent Eggs Zone,’ General Funnyshaker said that those eggs were broken by the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium,’ to make omelettes for their armed jokers. In closing General Funnyshaker said, “What I have said is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…and if you all don’t believe me, may humanitarian lightning strike you all down and white vans abduct you all in the middle of the night!”
June 24, 2009
Once upon a time, in the year 2009 AD, the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared to Jayasaf in a dream and said, “Don’t hesitate to take MIAree as your wife! For the child within her has been conceived through an ‘International Conspiracy’ while she was in the ‘Please Don’t Fire We Are Innocent Tranquils Zone,’ and she will have a son, and you shall name him Jayzee and he will save his Tranquil tribes people from the misery they have undergone at the hands of the Stinkerlees tribes people for over 61 hundred years!”
When Jayasaf awoke, he did as the ‘Agent of RAW’ had commanded and took MIAree and surrendered to a ‘Welfare Concentration Camp,’ surrounded by barbed wire and armed SS. Jayzee was born in such a camp, in a canvas tent in the town of Bretleehom, during the reign of King Adolf Rogerproxy, Dictator of Idiot Island. At about this time, three wise dignitaries from Western lands arrived in Koolamboo, the capital of Idiot Island, asking, “Where is the newborn King of the Tranquils? For we received news of his birth from satellite images, and have come to worship him and make an independent confirmation.”
King Rogerproxy was deeply disturbed by the satellite evidence from the ‘Eye in the Sky,’ hovering over Bretleehom; the sole witness to all that transpired in the Tranquil homeland towards the north of Idiot Island. So he immediately called a cupboard meeting. And when the hundred an eleven cupboard polytikboobees arrived he asked, “Did our intelligence comedians inform us where the King of the Tranquils would be born?”
“Yes Sir! No Sir! In Bretleehom Sir!” they all chroused.
Then King Rogerproxy sent three SMS messages to the three wise dignitaries, asking them to come and see him; at this meeting he found out the exact time and date that they received confirmation from the satellite. Then he told them, “Go to Bretleehom and search for the child. You will be allowed free access to all the ‘Welfare Concentration Camp,’ with no restrictions whatsoever. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him too!”
After this interview, the three wise foreign dignitaries started their journey towards the north. And lo! And behold! The satellite appeared to them hovering over Bretleehom, and their joy knew no bounds! Entering the canvas tent where the baby Jayzee and MIAree his mother were, they threw themselves down before him, worshiping. Then they opened their presents and gave him a state-of-the-art satellite phone, a laptop with a high speed internet connection and a gift voucher to shop at the ‘OD HELL Warehouse.’
When they returned to their own lands in the West, they didn’t go through Koolamboo to report to King Rogerproxy, for an ‘Agent of the SeeHighHay’ had warned them in a dream to take a boat to Tranquil Naadoo and hop a flight home from there. After they had gone, the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared to Jayasaf in a dream. “Get up and flee to Tranquil Naadoo with the baby Jayzee and his mother,” the Agent said, “and stay there until I tell you to return, for King Rogerproxy is going to permanently rehabilitate the child and blame it on an ‘International Conspiracy’ to put the Kingdom of Idiot Island into disrepute.”
That same night, Jayasaf left for Tranquil Naadoo with MIAree and the child, and stayed there until he received further instructions from the ‘Agent of RAW.’ King Rogerproxy was furious when he learned that the three wise dignitaries had disobeyed him. Sending his SS to Bretleehom, he ordered them to permanently rehabilitate every baby boy two years old and under, both in the town and in the various ‘Welfare Concentration Camps.’ This humanitarian action of King Rogerproxy fulfilled the prophecy of the ‘Agent of RAW.’ The screams of anguish, the unrestrained weeping and gnashing of teeth for their permanently rehabilitated children was recorded by the ‘Eye in the Sky’ satellite and relayed to BooBeeSee, See & End and Helljayzee Raw who broadcast these images to every nook and corner of Planet Mirth.
King Rogerproxy and his hundred and eleven cupboard polytikboobees once again screamed till they were blue in the face, claiming that this was another ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Kingdom of Idiot Island. But the Mirthlings around Planet Mirth could not be fooled.
“Shame on you!” they said, and asked for an independent commission to look into the human wrongs committed by the SS, but King Rogerproxy rejected this outright. When King Rogerproxy eventually died, (some say of ‘swine flu’) the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared once again in a dream to Jayasaf in Tranquil Naadoo, and told him, “Get up and take the baby Jayzee and his mother MIAree back to Idiot Island, for those who were trying to permanently rehabilitate the child are dead.
So Jayasaf returned immediately to Idiot Island with Jayzee and his mother. But on the way he got to hear that the new king was Rogerproxy’s son Nomaleproxy. Then in another dream, Jayasaf was warned (by who else) but the ‘Agent of RAW,’ not to go back to Bretleehom due to security reasons. So they went to live in NasalRot, just a stone’s throw away from WallHerWhatHer. Jayzee’s parent’s Jayasaf and MIAree registered themselves at the local police station, before they rented a small apartment after paying a five year advance. Jayzee went to the local international school and was a good student. He was called ‘Jayzee of NasalRot’ by all hi friends, and his enemies called him by many other names (but that’s another story). And so Jayzee and his parents lived happily ever after.
Quite an anti climax isn’t it? If you were expecting plenty of blood and gore and murder and mayhem, you should have switched on to ‘Idiot Island Television’ and watched ‘Humanitarian War’ instead!
April 27, 2009
Newspaper Headlines you would see, if the Dictatorship of Sri Lanka was in charge of the World Media
“World Bank officials get down on their knees and plead with President Rajapaksa to accept 1.9 billion dollar loan.”
“Colombo central, Colombo north, Colombo east, Colombo west and Borella voters who voted for the UNP, are part of an ‘International Conspiracy’ to destabilise the government and stop the forward march of the armed forces says leaders of China, North Korea, Sudan, Libya, Iran and Zimbabwe.”
“50,000 LTTE terrorists killed and 1,00,000 injured, with zero casualties to armed forces and Tamil civilians says Military Spokesman.”
“Prabahakaran rescued by alien flying saucer during the new year ceasefire admits Military Spokesman.”
“World leaders beg President Rajapaksa to accept post of UN General Secretary, and request that Sri Lanka take over from America as the Global policeman of the world.”
“President Rajapaksa gets rousing welcome from American public, while recent Gallup poll shows Rajapaksa more popular than Obama.”
“LTTE fires multi barrel rockets and drops cluster bombs and napalm from Mig and Kafir jets, to prevent Tamil civilians from escaping from the ‘No Fire’ zone.”
“Daya Master says Erik Solheim and Prabahakaran were masterminds behind Mumbai attack.”
“Daya Master divulges that opposition leader Ranil Wickramasinghe instigated and personally led the attacks on the Sri Lankan embassies in Norway and Germany.”
“Daya Master admits LTTE was involved in attack on MTV/MBC TV station and the killing of Sunday Leader editor.”
“Daya Master tells interrogators that the LTTE were behind the abductions and killings of Tamil civilians in ‘White Vans.’
“Daya Master says that LTTE were involved in the killing of 14 journalists and the intimidation of 28 others during the past three years.”
“LTTE responsible for the killing of American President John F.Kennedy says Daya Master.”
“President Obama begs President Rajapaksa to send his Sinhala Army to take over from American troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.”
“75,000 American women to work as house maids in Sri Lanka.”
“World wide ‘Gallup poll’ shows President Rajapaksa more popular than Gandhi, Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela.”
“Tamil refugees say they are extremely happy living in camps surrounded by barbed wire and armed guards and plead with authorities not to resettle them.”
“Tamil refugees tell reporters they are honoured to live as second class citizens and said they will renounce the tamil language and learn sinhalese.”
“President Rajapaksa, Defence Secretary Gotabaya Rajapaksa and General Sarath Fonseka to receive Nobel Peace Prize.”
Famous Quote: "The matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers and carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand; most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it."
~ Morpheus, The Matrix
In Sri Lanka: This former ‘Democratic Socialist Republic,’ is now an ‘Autocratic Theocratic Dictatorial Banana Republic,’ run by a ‘Quadrumvirate of Brothers,’ who have the grandiose notion of forming a ‘Dynasty’ similar to those seen in ancient China. This ‘Gang of Four,’ should be the enemy of all freedom loving Sri Lankans. But what do we see instead? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters, farmers…the gullible majority, ready to do the biding of this ‘Gang of Four.’ They do not want to think for themselves; instead they want to be lead by the nose like they have been led for the past sixty-one years. They are beyond saving.
Famous Quote: "...History is replete with whispers of secret societies... The oldest is the Brotherhood of the Snake, also called the Brotherhood of the Dragon, and it still exists under many different names. The Brotherhood of the Snake is devoted to guarding the 'secrets of the ages' and the recognition of Lucifer as the one and only true God... It's secret symbol is the all-seeing eye in the pyramid.
~William Cooper (Author of "Behold a Pale Horse")
In Sri Lanka: The “Rajapaks Brotherhood,” also known as “The Gang Of Four” and “The Four War Lord Millionaires,” rule the country like it is their own personal fiefdom.
Famous Quote: "None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. The truth has been kept from the depth of their minds by masters who rule them with lies. They feed them on falsehoods till wrong looks like right in their eyes."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Sinhala Majority’ is made to believe that once the LTTE is forced to cease conventional battle, the war will be over; that none of the Tamil civilian deaths in the north are due shelling by the armed forces, that no soldiers are killed or maimed, that all the destruction is by the LTTE etc. This has all been possible because journalists of the independent media have been killed, abducted, intimidated or gone into hiding; leaving the Government media to disseminate whatever tall stories it wants.
Famous Quote: Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it;
Do not believe in anything simply because it’s spoken and rumoured by many;
Do not believe in anything simply because it’s found written in your religious books;
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your elders;
Do not believe in tradition because they have been handed down for many generations;
But after observation and analysis when you find that anything agrees with reason, and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes it if it appears in the Government media;
The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes it if the ‘Buddhist Clergy’ tells them so;
The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes whatever the ‘Gang of Four’ tells them,
If you tell the ‘Sinhala Majority’ that there is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to destroy their religion, language and culture, they will believe it, because they are nothing but a bunch of xenophobes.
Famous Quote: "The greatest purveyor of violence on earth is my own government"
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
In Sri Lanka: The greatest purveyors of violence in the country are the Government and the LTTE.
Famous Quote: "Those of us who love peace must organize as effectively as the war hawks. As they spread the propaganda of war, we must spread the propaganda of peace."
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
In Sri Lanka: Those who spread the propaganda of peace are branded as LTTE sympathisers, traitors and terrorists while some are abducted and killed.
Famous Quote: "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public"
~ Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States
In Sri Lanka: If you criticise the president, his brother or the army commander, you end up six feet under like Lasantha Wickramatunge, editor of the ‘Sunday Leader.’
Famous Quote: "I want to know who the men in the shadows are. I want to hear somebody asking them why they can be counted on to tell us who our enemies are, but they're never the ones to fight and to die." ~ Jackson Browne
In Sri Lanka: It’s the politicians and the Buddhist clergy who urge the gullible ‘slum dog’ village youth to fight and die, and they live in the lap of luxury while their sons and daughters are safely ensconced in foreign countries.
Famous Quote: "The most dangerous man, to any government, is the man who is able to think things out for himself... Almost inevitably, he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable."
~ H.L. Mencken
In Sri Lanka: There are a few such people here as well. Some have been killed, some have been intimidated, some are in prison, some have migrated in fear of their lives and the rest remain silent because they fear death.
Famous Quote: "A country whose leader has the power to imprison any citizen, on his order alone, and hold them indefinitely, in military custody, without access to the courts, without a lawyer, without any charges, their fate determined solely by the leader's arbitrary whim -- that country is a tyranny, not a democracy, not a republic, not a union of free citizens."
~ Chris Floyd, The Moscow Times
In Sri Lanka: We are sure Mr.Chris Floyd has visited Sri Lanka recently or how could he have described it so accurately?
Famous Quote: "Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervour, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."
~ Julius Caesar
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Wannabe Caesar’ and his 3 brothers have done just that in this country. Like the Caesar of old, he better be aware of ‘The Ides of March, April, May, June, July etc.’
Famous Quote: "Military men are dumb, stupid animals to be used as pawns for foreign policy."
~ Henry Kissinger
In Sri Lanka: These dumb, stupid animals are used mainly as pawns and cannon fodder for domestic policy, especially to win elections.
Famous Quote: "War is a sociological safety valve that cleverly diverts popular hatred for the ruling classes into a happy occasion to mutilate or kill foreign enemies."
~ Ernest Becker
In Sri Lanka: It’s a local enemy (the Tamils) who are mutilated, killed, abducted and bombed into
Famous Quote: "Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervour - with the cry of grave national emergency. Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it."
~ General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
In Sri Lanka: It’s the ‘evil Tamils who want a separate state’ at home, and an ‘International Conspiracy’ that wants to destroy the Sinhalese race, culture and religion.
Famous Quote: "Why of course the people don't want war ... But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship ... Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger."
~ Hermann Goering, Nazi leader, at the Nuremberg Trials after World War II
In Sri Lanka: History is repeating itself in this country. Hitler’s Germany is been reborn as ‘
Mahinda’s Sri Lanka.’
Famous Quote: "The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth becomes the greatest enemy of the state."
~ Dr. Joseph M. Goebbels - Hitler's propaganda minister
In Sri Lanka: 17 journalists killed…more than 28 beaten up, abducted and intimidated, the countless others who have been imprisoned without a trial, the burning of MTV and destruction of the Sunday Leader printing press is ample proof that the truth is the greatest enemy of the Sri Lankan State.
Famous Quote: "We will export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defence of our great nation."
~ G. W. Bush, former President of the United States
In Sri Lanka: Rajapaksa and his brothers export death and violence to the four corners of the Island in defence of the ‘Rajapaksa Dynasty.’
Famous Quote: "There is no such thing as a Palestinian people... It is not as if we came and threw them out and took their country. They didn’t exist."
~ Golda Meir
In Sri Lanka: There are no such people as Hindus, Christians and Muslims in this country. Sri Lanka is a ‘Sinhala Buddhist’ Country.
Famous Quote: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."
~ Thomas Jefferson, American Declaration of Independence
In Sri Lanka: We hold this truth to be self-evident, that the ‘Sinhala Buddhist Majority,’ is more equal than the minority Hindus, Christians and Muslims. And they are endowed by their Creator, with the unalienable right to impose their language, religion and culture on all the minorities; for ever and ever, amen.
From time in memorial, Idiot Island has been a popular holiday resort for thousands of mirthlings from countries like Amerrybum, Asstrailerhaa, Titaly, Joypang, Carryaar, Spawn, Noisy Land, Kanna Daa, Jemini, Fonz etc. An economic down turn that over took Planet Mirth in 2010 AD, has affected many on Idiot Island. The worst affected were the rural Idiot Islanders who decided to turn their houses and ancestral homes into ‘guest houses’ and ‘hotels’ to make ends meet. Reproduced below are four emails, sent to prospective holiday makers, informing them of the facilities they could expect when they arrive on Idiot Island: A land like no other!
I am amazed by your entreaty for a room. I am happy to inform you I have two rooms with a vulgar balcony and excommunicating doors. I can also offer you for your convenience, attached litter rooms with scalding aqueducts.
For the youthful persons there are alluring ways, wild lifes, song and dunces, rustic revelries and very good hospital only 50 miles away. My charges are soo changeable to be all you can afford. If I am dear to you or your mistress, she could perhaps be reduced. I shall myself be strenuous for you, and my wife will mimic me. As for cuisine, my wife is an unapproachable tyrant of the kitchen. A satisfied guest wrote: “I will never to visit other stranger cuntrysides.” Come here soon and you can rest in peace.
Waiting attentively for you,
Rintin Da Elvis.
(Chief Execution Officer)
My Dear Sir,
I am very pleasing to retort to your asking for my hotel. I am happy that I am empty in the upstairs compartment from 23st of November to 5st December. You will be agreeable that in view of the services my figure is highly modest. There is hot and cold waters running on every floors. If you are wishing a female personage to render you services, we can provide one. Guarantee you money back she render you jolly good. Also boyish male personages we can provide you. Sorrowfully I cannot abide your canine companion, but my mother in law who live opposite house can put up with it.
If you will come here you will certainly be arrested by the local beauties. Me my wife and I will always be at attention. We will make your duration soo dear as possible.
Dear Sir or Madam,
Having freshly taken over the property of this notorious house, I am wishful that you bring your bag and baggage to my esteemed establishment. Standing amongst savage scenery with flaunting butterflies and songing birds the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French window in every bedroom affording delightful prospects! I give personal look to interior wants of each guest. Here we make sure shall be well
fedup and agreeably drunk. No drunking on full moon day because police catch all drunkers. Having once sampled our local fooding, you will surely wish to enlarge your stays.
We have numerous bedrooms with beds and full drainage. Our charges for weakly visitors are scarcely understandable! We also make peculiar arrangements for gross parties! Our motto is ever “Serve You Right!” Coming soon before bedrooms full up!
Watching and waiting,
(CEO & Joint Dictator)
I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I can give. I can though give you a good washing with pleasure in a most clean river down by the riverside with no person to see your naked things. I insist that you will like this.
Your question also to receive beds for twins. For this I have great seeking made without any OK as well from neighbour next door because his wife to this man gives him many childs. This man admits no knowledge about beds for twins. Part of you may sleep in this place while your extras to the neighbour house next door go. It is only throwing a stone away.
All must eat in this haus the cheapest food. We are sorry no beefs or chicken beefs or pig beefs because we are all vegetables here. The fish your man hopes to catch is always in the river. He catch them we cook them you eat them. Me and my better half are hoping to do you soon.
Yours Fully Faithfully,
(Owner & Joint Profiteer)
March 16, 2009
“I never drink water because fish fuck in it.” - W.C. Fields
“Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her” - W.C. Fields
“Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.” - W.C. Fields
“Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.” - Samuel Johnson
“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” - Hunter S. Thompson
“Well, between scotch and nothing, I suppose I’d take scotch. It’s the nearest thing to good moonshine I can find.” - William Faulkner
“I was so drunk I thought I was Peter O’Toole.” - Richard Burton
“I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.” - Dorothy Parker
“Sometimes I wish I’d went through those good times stone cold sober so I could remember everything—but then again, if I’d been sober the times probably wouldn’t have been worth remembering.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
“There’s no such thing as bad whiskey. Some just happen to be better than others.” - William Faulkner
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” - Oscar Wilde
“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like, who drinks as much as you do.” - Dylan Thomas
“The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.” - William Blake
“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” - Winston Churchill
"The gin and tonic has saved more Englishmen's lives and minds, than all the doctors in the Empire." - Winston Churchill
"Find out the name of the brand so I can give it to my other generals." President Lincoln, when informed that General Grant preferred to guzzle whiskey while leading the troops.
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp in Diyawanna Oya near the Parliament.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you
can be so much bigger than me. We are the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big alligator, what have you been eating machang?"
"Politicians" replied the small alligator.
"Hmm… well, where do you catch them?"
"On the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament."
"Same here. Hmm… how do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Pajeros and wait for one to unlock the vehicle door. Then I jump out, grab them on the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You are not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there isn’t anything left but an asshole with a cell phone."
On Planet Mirth there is a funny little island called ‘Idiot Island.’ This funny little island, which lies under a humongous country called Hindeeyar, looks like a piss drop that is just about to fall off the tip of a penis. At last count there was a population of 20,672,981 people living on the island (give or take a couple of thousand who are permanently rehabilitated or are made to vanish by aliens who travel around the island in White Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects). In the North of Idiot Island there live another 3,00,000 of the Tranquil tribe, who have taken an extended holiday in the Fullofthieves Jungle. It has been claimed, that these Tranquil holidaymakers are having a whale of a time, dodging malted barren lockets and custard buns dropped from the sky. Peacekeeping Comedian Brigadier Uliar P. Norkiyokaara told reporters that this was a part of an International Conspiracy, to tarnish the image of the Utopian Paradise. He stated that International Conspirators were using low flying satellites to drop these fireworks devices on innocent Tranquil tribes people who were holidaying in the Fullofthieves Jungle. He further stated that a special police team had been set up to capture these satellites and bring them to justice.
Idiot Island has had a long and colourful history with plenty of murder and mayhem that has continued even in present times. From time immemorial, it has been known by many names. Piss drop under Hindeeyar, The last drop under Hindeeyar's Tip, Island of Hypocrites’, Land of the Xenophobes, etc, but never as "That Blasted Island!" Idiot Island boasts of a curious 3500-year-old culture, and its population are followers of five distinct cults. They are the Boobees, Himboobees, Crossboobees, Moosboobees and Parleymutts.
The Boobees are the majority cult, consisting of 69% of the population, with 18% Himboobees,7% Moosboobees and 6% Crossboobees. The Parleymutts are a breed of their own. They all hate each other’s guts, except when it comes to election time, when the Parleymutts promise the ‘moon and the stars’ in return for the votes of the gullible Idiot Islanders. During elections, the Polytikboobees follow the theory of an Earthling called Abraham Lincoln, who lived many years ago on Planet Earth. The theory (with a small twist) being, “You can fool some of the people on Planet Mirth all of the time; and all of the people on Planet Mirth some of the time; but you can fool all the Idiot Islanders, each and every time!”
Idiot Island is an ‘Utopian Paradise’ ruled by a caretaker called Jollyass Seesaw, along with his three Righteous Brothers. This ‘Quadrumvirate of Brothers’ (called the ‘Gang of Four’ and ‘War Lord Millionaires’ by some), rule Idiot Island with eight velvet gloves; just like the ‘Triumvirate’ of Caesar, Pompey and Crassus, who ruled the Roman Empire on Planet Earth hundreds of years ago. This ‘Gang of Four’, is now in the midst of a ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ against the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium’, who have been agitating for a separate ‘Tranquil Tourist Resort’ in the North and East of Idiot Island, for the past 26 years. Agitating on one side is the majority Stinkerlees tribe, and on the other side is the minority Tranquil tribe. The Stinkerlees tribe say that Idiot Island belongs to them because they arrived first on the island, and the Tranquil tribe says that part of the island should belong to them because they arrived second on the island, a couple of years later. None of the two agitating tribes believe in ‘Consultation, Compromise and Consensus.’ They instead believe in ‘Murder, Mayhem and Media suppression’, which both tribes have practiced to perfection with outstanding results. The caretakers of both these tribes are front-runners for the ‘Ignoble Prize for Peace’, and many pundits agree that the prize should be jointly awarded to Jollyass Seesaw caretaker of the Stinkerlees and to Rolypoly Prebiocarrom caretaker of the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium’ and sole representative of the Tranquils.
Idiot Island has had more elections than any other country on Mirth, with probably the exception of Bolivia on Planet Earth. The former caretaker Queen Cleopottaya was popularly known as “One Eyed Jane”, “That Crazy Woman”, “The Mummy”, “Man’s Best Friend”(the female version) etc. (You should have heard what her enemies called her). She preferred men with moustaches or beards, but would settle for anything with two legs. Her late brother was named after the airport and looked like a 747.
The present caretaker has a smarmy look, and goes around the country wearing a white outfit with a purple towel around his neck, banging his chest and shouting ‘MOTHERLAND’ until he is blue in the face! The purple towel is worn as a precaution, so he can stuff it in his mouth when he finds himself making remarks like, “I will permanently rehabilitate all the Tranquils” when various human wrongs organisations inquire from him about the situation of the Tranquil tribe holidaying in the Fullofthieves Jungle. Caretaker Seesaw has achieved cult status amongst the majority Stinkerlees tribe since he started the Humanitarian Crusade, and the repeated chanting of the prayer, “Jollyass Seesaw is the one God, and Atilla Da Goatproxy is his Prophet!” can be heard daily from many parts of the island except of course in the North and East of Idiot Island where the Tranquil tribe who are in the majority their chant, “Prebiocarrom is the Sun God, and Prebio Junior is his Successor!”
Idiot Island was first colonized by a Prince and his followers from Hindeeyar, who were considered persona non grata in the land of their birth (In other words it meant that, ‘They were kicked out of Hindeeyar!’) They arrived on Idiot Island as refugees about 3500 years ago (give or take a couple of hundred years). Following in their footsteps in much recent times were the Vietnamese boat people and thousands of Cuban refugees from Planet Earth, who fled the Infidel Castro’s regime for the safe haven of America and other free countries.
The refugee Prince and his Stinkerlees refugee followers became Boobees later (much, much later). Next to arrive were the Tranquil tribe. They had various skirmishes with the Stinkerlees tribe, and mainly inhabited the North and the East of Idiot Island. The Moosboobees came as traders from Muddled Eastern countries, while some came from countries like Hindohaysia and Mollyhaysia.
After them came the Portlygees, Dutchygees and Britygees who governed Idiot Island each in their turn for about 450 years. The Portlygees introduced the Crossboobee cult, Portlygees music and several Portlygees words to the local language. The Dutchygees introduced printing and built excellent canals, which now function as sewers. The canals are worth a visit. A perfumed handkerchief is usually sufficient to combat the stench. On a good day it is possible to spot a few dead cats floating (if you were on Idiot Island in the late 1980s AD, you could have seen many permanently rehabilitated bodies floating as well). Don't forget to take your digital camera!
The Britygees introduced Democrazy, the Parlymutts system and the Britygees language while teaching the Idiot Islanders to switch from wearing the loincloth, to the trousers. Today most men wear Britygees style clothes and it might be difficult to spot a man wearing the national dress. Most Idiot Islanders wear a long cloth wrapped around their waists. As underwear is not usually worn with it, do not be tempted to lift somebody’s long cloth!
In 1948 AD, the Britygees went back to Britybum and left the Idiot Islanders to run riot. Some Idiots called this Indepen Dunce. A few others called this a watershed in the history of Idiot Island. In the Britygeees language it meant that, “The shit hit the fan!”
After the Britygees left, the “All Tribes Party” ruled Idiot Island. This party consisted of people from all the tribes. The country meandered along smoothly until 1956 AD, when a new party called the “Stinkerlees Only Party” came to power. This party was made up largely of the majority Stinkerlees tribe, who had the grandiose notion that Idiot Island belonged only to them; and that they had exclusive rights over the Himboobees, Crossboobees and Moosboobee minority cults.
a) The Stinkerlees language of the was made the national language
b) It was compulsory to know the Stinkerlees language if you wanted to be promoted in the public sector
c) The Boobee cult was given pride of place over the other cults
d) The killing of cattle for sale as meat, and liquor was banned every full moon, while all film halls remained closed, and all forms of entertainment were frowned upon on this day (Funnily enough, the ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ continues unabated every full moon with hundreds being permanently rehabilitated; this is because on Idiot Island, the lives of cattle is more precious than the lives of human beings.)
e) Private Crossboobee schools were nationalized
f) At the university entrance exam, Stinkerlees students where given preference over Tranquil students
These were just a few of the idiotic laws forced on the minority tribes and cult followers of Idiot Island. The leader of the “Stinkerlees Only Party” was the father of the previous caretaker, Queen Cleopottaya. He turned Idiot Island on its head with his chauvinistic policies, which favoured the majority Stinkerlees and infringed on the rights of the minority tribes and cult followers. A Boobee cult priest permanently rehabilitated him about three years later, which gave the minority tribes some solace (talk about poetic justice). But things didn’t get any better. His wife cried a river of crocodile tears and was elected as the next caretaker of Idiot Island. (People probably voted for her to stop her whining.) Things went from bad to worse when Stinkerlees youth in the south revolted against her caretakership. They were peacefully suppressed. In other words it means that over ten thousand youth were permanently rehabilitated. (If the present caretaker Seesaw had been caretaker then, he would have called this a ‘Humanitarian Crusade.’) A few years later the minority Tranquil youth followed suit. This culminated in the hollercurse of July1983 AD, when the majority Stinkerlees tribe went on the rampage and permanently rehabilitated over 2500 Tranquil tribes people, while lighting fires to their houses and business establishment’s. What followed was a 26-year ‘Humanitarian Crusade’, which has ripped Idiot Island apart. There was a shaky “If You Don’t Fire We Wont Fire” agreement that was in existence for about three years. Then a giant wave also known as a Soonarmee, struck three quarter of the coast of Idiot Island the day after Crossboobeemas of 2004 AD. Ironically that day happened to be a full moon day (a day sacred to the majority Stinkerlees and followers of the Boobee cult). Over fifty thousand Idiot Islanders were permanently rehabilitated. They were from the Boobee, Himboobee, Crossboobee and Moosboobee cults…(Only nature treat’s everyone equally). No one knows if any Parleymutts were permanently rehabilitated.
The ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ between the Stinkerlees tribe and the Tranquil tribe resumed again in 2006 AD. Hundreds of Stinkerlees and thousands of Tranquil tribes people have been permanently rehabilitated due to the humanitarian agitation by both tribes. A wise old Idiot Islander, told reporters that there was nothing sacred or holy about this ‘Humanitarian Crusade.’ He said that it was nothing more than, “Our tourists permanently rehabilitating their tourists and their tourists permanently rehabilitating our tourists!” He further stated that, “Agitating for Peace was like Jiggy Jiggying for Virginity!” Hmmm…that seems quite a shrewd observation for a person who comes from an island of idiots…we wonder why he isn’t ruling the island instead of those four idiots from the same family. It must be because, just like ‘Birds of a feather, flock together”, “Idiots eventually end up voting for Idiots.” If this trend continues, the wise old idiot will one day be the ‘Greatest caretaker that never ruled Idiot Island!’
So what does the future hold for the Idiot Islanders? Will they shed their idiocy and become wise someday? Will the ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ bring peace? Will the ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Utopian Paradise succeed? Will a low flying satellite rescue tourist leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom? Will aliens in ‘White Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects’ (WUFOs) continue to make Tranquil tribes people vanish at random and permanently rehabilitate them? Will journalists and editors continue to be permanently rehabilitated, and TV stations burnt down by ‘International Conspirators?’ Will the headlines on deadlines be accurate, this time around? Will there be more ‘Final Crusades?’ Will the number of ‘Nation Building Parleymutts’ exceed twenty by years end? Will the number of “Mansion Building Parleymutts” exceed 225 by the end of next year? Will seaside bummers target innocent sunbathers? Will the legalization of polygamy, and the banning of bigamy bring an end to the population explosion? Will pigs’ fly and Hell freeze over? Will forced vegetarianism be a solution for violence? When do we break for lunch? Can I have a beer before lunch? Will there be prawns with the rice and curry, or fried beef? What’s for desert? Ice cream? Fruit Salad?
“What? No beef? No beer?”
“The management regrets that due to it being a full moon day, there will be no beer or beef today. Sir, how about some vegetables with rice while lunch is being prepared? Why don’t you watch the ‘breaking news’ of the dropping of custard buns on a tranquil tourist resort by air force jets permanently rehabilitating over 40 tourists?”
“Vegetables? The whole lot of you are a bunch of bloody vegetables if you ask me! The Gods must have been crazy…or drunk or stoned when they created you all!”
Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…will be…the future’s not ours to see…. Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…will be! The answer my friend…is blowing in the wind…the answer is blowing in the wind! Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…The answer my friend…is blowing in the…
Only time will tell…so let’s wait and see.