March 16, 2009
“I never drink water because fish fuck in it.” - W.C. Fields
“Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her” - W.C. Fields
“Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.” - W.C. Fields
“Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.” - Samuel Johnson
“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” - Hunter S. Thompson
“Well, between scotch and nothing, I suppose I’d take scotch. It’s the nearest thing to good moonshine I can find.” - William Faulkner
“I was so drunk I thought I was Peter O’Toole.” - Richard Burton
“I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.” - Dorothy Parker
“Sometimes I wish I’d went through those good times stone cold sober so I could remember everything—but then again, if I’d been sober the times probably wouldn’t have been worth remembering.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald
“There’s no such thing as bad whiskey. Some just happen to be better than others.” - William Faulkner
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” - Oscar Wilde
“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like, who drinks as much as you do.” - Dylan Thomas
“The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.” - William Blake
“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” - Winston Churchill
"The gin and tonic has saved more Englishmen's lives and minds, than all the doctors in the Empire." - Winston Churchill
"Find out the name of the brand so I can give it to my other generals." President Lincoln, when informed that General Grant preferred to guzzle whiskey while leading the troops.
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp in Diyawanna Oya near the Parliament.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you
can be so much bigger than me. We are the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big alligator, what have you been eating machang?"
"Politicians" replied the small alligator.
"Hmm… well, where do you catch them?"
"On the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament."
"Same here. Hmm… how do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Pajeros and wait for one to unlock the vehicle door. Then I jump out, grab them on the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You are not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there isn’t anything left but an asshole with a cell phone."
On Planet Mirth there is a funny little island called ‘Idiot Island.’ This funny little island, which lies under a humongous country called Hindeeyar, looks like a piss drop that is just about to fall off the tip of a penis. At last count there was a population of 20,672,981 people living on the island (give or take a couple of thousand who are permanently rehabilitated or are made to vanish by aliens who travel around the island in White Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects). In the North of Idiot Island there live another 3,00,000 of the Tranquil tribe, who have taken an extended holiday in the Fullofthieves Jungle. It has been claimed, that these Tranquil holidaymakers are having a whale of a time, dodging malted barren lockets and custard buns dropped from the sky. Peacekeeping Comedian Brigadier Uliar P. Norkiyokaara told reporters that this was a part of an International Conspiracy, to tarnish the image of the Utopian Paradise. He stated that International Conspirators were using low flying satellites to drop these fireworks devices on innocent Tranquil tribes people who were holidaying in the Fullofthieves Jungle. He further stated that a special police team had been set up to capture these satellites and bring them to justice.
Idiot Island has had a long and colourful history with plenty of murder and mayhem that has continued even in present times. From time immemorial, it has been known by many names. Piss drop under Hindeeyar, The last drop under Hindeeyar's Tip, Island of Hypocrites’, Land of the Xenophobes, etc, but never as "That Blasted Island!" Idiot Island boasts of a curious 3500-year-old culture, and its population are followers of five distinct cults. They are the Boobees, Himboobees, Crossboobees, Moosboobees and Parleymutts.
The Boobees are the majority cult, consisting of 69% of the population, with 18% Himboobees,7% Moosboobees and 6% Crossboobees. The Parleymutts are a breed of their own. They all hate each other’s guts, except when it comes to election time, when the Parleymutts promise the ‘moon and the stars’ in return for the votes of the gullible Idiot Islanders. During elections, the Polytikboobees follow the theory of an Earthling called Abraham Lincoln, who lived many years ago on Planet Earth. The theory (with a small twist) being, “You can fool some of the people on Planet Mirth all of the time; and all of the people on Planet Mirth some of the time; but you can fool all the Idiot Islanders, each and every time!”
Idiot Island is an ‘Utopian Paradise’ ruled by a caretaker called Jollyass Seesaw, along with his three Righteous Brothers. This ‘Quadrumvirate of Brothers’ (called the ‘Gang of Four’ and ‘War Lord Millionaires’ by some), rule Idiot Island with eight velvet gloves; just like the ‘Triumvirate’ of Caesar, Pompey and Crassus, who ruled the Roman Empire on Planet Earth hundreds of years ago. This ‘Gang of Four’, is now in the midst of a ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ against the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium’, who have been agitating for a separate ‘Tranquil Tourist Resort’ in the North and East of Idiot Island, for the past 26 years. Agitating on one side is the majority Stinkerlees tribe, and on the other side is the minority Tranquil tribe. The Stinkerlees tribe say that Idiot Island belongs to them because they arrived first on the island, and the Tranquil tribe says that part of the island should belong to them because they arrived second on the island, a couple of years later. None of the two agitating tribes believe in ‘Consultation, Compromise and Consensus.’ They instead believe in ‘Murder, Mayhem and Media suppression’, which both tribes have practiced to perfection with outstanding results. The caretakers of both these tribes are front-runners for the ‘Ignoble Prize for Peace’, and many pundits agree that the prize should be jointly awarded to Jollyass Seesaw caretaker of the Stinkerlees and to Rolypoly Prebiocarrom caretaker of the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium’ and sole representative of the Tranquils.
Idiot Island has had more elections than any other country on Mirth, with probably the exception of Bolivia on Planet Earth. The former caretaker Queen Cleopottaya was popularly known as “One Eyed Jane”, “That Crazy Woman”, “The Mummy”, “Man’s Best Friend”(the female version) etc. (You should have heard what her enemies called her). She preferred men with moustaches or beards, but would settle for anything with two legs. Her late brother was named after the airport and looked like a 747.
The present caretaker has a smarmy look, and goes around the country wearing a white outfit with a purple towel around his neck, banging his chest and shouting ‘MOTHERLAND’ until he is blue in the face! The purple towel is worn as a precaution, so he can stuff it in his mouth when he finds himself making remarks like, “I will permanently rehabilitate all the Tranquils” when various human wrongs organisations inquire from him about the situation of the Tranquil tribe holidaying in the Fullofthieves Jungle. Caretaker Seesaw has achieved cult status amongst the majority Stinkerlees tribe since he started the Humanitarian Crusade, and the repeated chanting of the prayer, “Jollyass Seesaw is the one God, and Atilla Da Goatproxy is his Prophet!” can be heard daily from many parts of the island except of course in the North and East of Idiot Island where the Tranquil tribe who are in the majority their chant, “Prebiocarrom is the Sun God, and Prebio Junior is his Successor!”
Idiot Island was first colonized by a Prince and his followers from Hindeeyar, who were considered persona non grata in the land of their birth (In other words it meant that, ‘They were kicked out of Hindeeyar!’) They arrived on Idiot Island as refugees about 3500 years ago (give or take a couple of hundred years). Following in their footsteps in much recent times were the Vietnamese boat people and thousands of Cuban refugees from Planet Earth, who fled the Infidel Castro’s regime for the safe haven of America and other free countries.
The refugee Prince and his Stinkerlees refugee followers became Boobees later (much, much later). Next to arrive were the Tranquil tribe. They had various skirmishes with the Stinkerlees tribe, and mainly inhabited the North and the East of Idiot Island. The Moosboobees came as traders from Muddled Eastern countries, while some came from countries like Hindohaysia and Mollyhaysia.
After them came the Portlygees, Dutchygees and Britygees who governed Idiot Island each in their turn for about 450 years. The Portlygees introduced the Crossboobee cult, Portlygees music and several Portlygees words to the local language. The Dutchygees introduced printing and built excellent canals, which now function as sewers. The canals are worth a visit. A perfumed handkerchief is usually sufficient to combat the stench. On a good day it is possible to spot a few dead cats floating (if you were on Idiot Island in the late 1980s AD, you could have seen many permanently rehabilitated bodies floating as well). Don't forget to take your digital camera!
The Britygees introduced Democrazy, the Parlymutts system and the Britygees language while teaching the Idiot Islanders to switch from wearing the loincloth, to the trousers. Today most men wear Britygees style clothes and it might be difficult to spot a man wearing the national dress. Most Idiot Islanders wear a long cloth wrapped around their waists. As underwear is not usually worn with it, do not be tempted to lift somebody’s long cloth!
In 1948 AD, the Britygees went back to Britybum and left the Idiot Islanders to run riot. Some Idiots called this Indepen Dunce. A few others called this a watershed in the history of Idiot Island. In the Britygeees language it meant that, “The shit hit the fan!”
After the Britygees left, the “All Tribes Party” ruled Idiot Island. This party consisted of people from all the tribes. The country meandered along smoothly until 1956 AD, when a new party called the “Stinkerlees Only Party” came to power. This party was made up largely of the majority Stinkerlees tribe, who had the grandiose notion that Idiot Island belonged only to them; and that they had exclusive rights over the Himboobees, Crossboobees and Moosboobee minority cults.
a) The Stinkerlees language of the was made the national language
b) It was compulsory to know the Stinkerlees language if you wanted to be promoted in the public sector
c) The Boobee cult was given pride of place over the other cults
d) The killing of cattle for sale as meat, and liquor was banned every full moon, while all film halls remained closed, and all forms of entertainment were frowned upon on this day (Funnily enough, the ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ continues unabated every full moon with hundreds being permanently rehabilitated; this is because on Idiot Island, the lives of cattle is more precious than the lives of human beings.)
e) Private Crossboobee schools were nationalized
f) At the university entrance exam, Stinkerlees students where given preference over Tranquil students
These were just a few of the idiotic laws forced on the minority tribes and cult followers of Idiot Island. The leader of the “Stinkerlees Only Party” was the father of the previous caretaker, Queen Cleopottaya. He turned Idiot Island on its head with his chauvinistic policies, which favoured the majority Stinkerlees and infringed on the rights of the minority tribes and cult followers. A Boobee cult priest permanently rehabilitated him about three years later, which gave the minority tribes some solace (talk about poetic justice). But things didn’t get any better. His wife cried a river of crocodile tears and was elected as the next caretaker of Idiot Island. (People probably voted for her to stop her whining.) Things went from bad to worse when Stinkerlees youth in the south revolted against her caretakership. They were peacefully suppressed. In other words it means that over ten thousand youth were permanently rehabilitated. (If the present caretaker Seesaw had been caretaker then, he would have called this a ‘Humanitarian Crusade.’) A few years later the minority Tranquil youth followed suit. This culminated in the hollercurse of July1983 AD, when the majority Stinkerlees tribe went on the rampage and permanently rehabilitated over 2500 Tranquil tribes people, while lighting fires to their houses and business establishment’s. What followed was a 26-year ‘Humanitarian Crusade’, which has ripped Idiot Island apart. There was a shaky “If You Don’t Fire We Wont Fire” agreement that was in existence for about three years. Then a giant wave also known as a Soonarmee, struck three quarter of the coast of Idiot Island the day after Crossboobeemas of 2004 AD. Ironically that day happened to be a full moon day (a day sacred to the majority Stinkerlees and followers of the Boobee cult). Over fifty thousand Idiot Islanders were permanently rehabilitated. They were from the Boobee, Himboobee, Crossboobee and Moosboobee cults…(Only nature treat’s everyone equally). No one knows if any Parleymutts were permanently rehabilitated.
The ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ between the Stinkerlees tribe and the Tranquil tribe resumed again in 2006 AD. Hundreds of Stinkerlees and thousands of Tranquil tribes people have been permanently rehabilitated due to the humanitarian agitation by both tribes. A wise old Idiot Islander, told reporters that there was nothing sacred or holy about this ‘Humanitarian Crusade.’ He said that it was nothing more than, “Our tourists permanently rehabilitating their tourists and their tourists permanently rehabilitating our tourists!” He further stated that, “Agitating for Peace was like Jiggy Jiggying for Virginity!” Hmmm…that seems quite a shrewd observation for a person who comes from an island of idiots…we wonder why he isn’t ruling the island instead of those four idiots from the same family. It must be because, just like ‘Birds of a feather, flock together”, “Idiots eventually end up voting for Idiots.” If this trend continues, the wise old idiot will one day be the ‘Greatest caretaker that never ruled Idiot Island!’
So what does the future hold for the Idiot Islanders? Will they shed their idiocy and become wise someday? Will the ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ bring peace? Will the ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Utopian Paradise succeed? Will a low flying satellite rescue tourist leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom? Will aliens in ‘White Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects’ (WUFOs) continue to make Tranquil tribes people vanish at random and permanently rehabilitate them? Will journalists and editors continue to be permanently rehabilitated, and TV stations burnt down by ‘International Conspirators?’ Will the headlines on deadlines be accurate, this time around? Will there be more ‘Final Crusades?’ Will the number of ‘Nation Building Parleymutts’ exceed twenty by years end? Will the number of “Mansion Building Parleymutts” exceed 225 by the end of next year? Will seaside bummers target innocent sunbathers? Will the legalization of polygamy, and the banning of bigamy bring an end to the population explosion? Will pigs’ fly and Hell freeze over? Will forced vegetarianism be a solution for violence? When do we break for lunch? Can I have a beer before lunch? Will there be prawns with the rice and curry, or fried beef? What’s for desert? Ice cream? Fruit Salad?
“What? No beef? No beer?”
“The management regrets that due to it being a full moon day, there will be no beer or beef today. Sir, how about some vegetables with rice while lunch is being prepared? Why don’t you watch the ‘breaking news’ of the dropping of custard buns on a tranquil tourist resort by air force jets permanently rehabilitating over 40 tourists?”
“Vegetables? The whole lot of you are a bunch of bloody vegetables if you ask me! The Gods must have been crazy…or drunk or stoned when they created you all!”
Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…will be…the future’s not ours to see…. Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…will be! The answer my friend…is blowing in the wind…the answer is blowing in the wind! Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…The answer my friend…is blowing in the…
Only time will tell…so let’s wait and see.
Yes, I laughed aloud twice when I heard that a gang of armed men in Lahore, Pakistan had attacked the Sri Lankan cricket team.
I laughed not because I was a fan of the Pakistan, Australian and South African teams, and not a fan of the Sri Lankan team; but because some years back when the Australian team refused to tour Sri Lanka due to the unstable situation in the country, and the South African team cut their tour short after a bomb blast in Colombo, the blind patriots and cricket pundits in the country started taking pot shots at the Australians and the South Africans. To them, bomb blasts and violence was as natural as the plain tea and rice they had everyday. If you happened to die from a bomb blast, it was due to fate and something beyond your control. And God have mercy on the country or individual who said that Sri Lanka was not a safe country. The wrath of the majority would be turned against that country or individual.
The second reason I laughed was because, even after India had done a threat assessment and decided that it was not safe for its cricket team to travel to Pakistan; and even after the Mini World Cup had been cancelled in Pakistan by the ICC after another threat assessment had been done, the SL Cricket Board and the SL Government thumbed their noses at the ICC and India and decided to tour Pakistan. The result was the attack on the SL Cricketers, and if not for a brave Pakistani driver, there might have been a bigger disaster than what took place.
I wonder who is laughing now? Most probably the South Africans and the Australians along with Shane Warne who were vilified in the local press a few years ago.
There were probably two reasons that the SL Cricket Board and the SL Government agreed to tour Pakistan. In the case of the SL Cricket Board it was for monetary reasons, and in the case of the SL Government, it was to thank the Pakistani Government for selling them arms to fight the LTTE and the Tamils. It looks like the SL Cricket Board was only thinking of filling its empty coffers, and the SL Government was willing to put its cricketers at risk to curry favour with the Pakistani’s and snub India (who incidentally don’t sell offensive weapons to Sri Lanka).
There seemed to be quite an outpouring of shock and grief in Sri Lanka over what the cricketers had to endure in Pakistan. The irony and the hypocrisy of it all is that non of these very same people seem to give two hoots about the hundreds of Tamil civilians who are being killed and wounded in the north due to the bombings by the SL armed forces. One can only imagine the hue and cry that would have been raised if even one Sinhalese cricketer had been killed in the attack. So far the SL Government hasn’t directly blamed the LTTE for the attack like it does in Sri Lanka for anything that happens from the lack of rain, to the increase of petrol prices to the killings of editors, journalists and burning of television stations. They have also not called the attack ‘An International Conspiracy to tarnish the image of the Government’ like they have done in the recent past.
What nobody knows is whether the attack on the SL cricketers by an unidentified Jihadists group, could have been a ‘proxy attack’ on behalf of the LTTE or the Government of India. In the case of the LTTE it could have been in revenge for the killing of Tamil civilians from incessant shelling and multi barrel rocket attacks by the SL Government, and in the case of India, it could be in revenge for the Mumbai attacks, which were planned in Pakistan. This is mere speculation, but anything is possible in this wonderful world we live in today.
One good thing that may come out of the attack is that in future if countries like Australia, South Africa, England or New Zealand decide to cancel a tour due to security reasons, countries like Sri Lanka will think twice before trying to vilify those countries. People in the above mentioned countries value the lives of their citizens more than in third world countries like Sri Lanka. If such an attack, which occurred against the SL cricket team, happened to any of the teams of the above-mentioned countries, heads would have rolled and people responsible for organising the tour would have voluntarily resigned. But in Sri Lanka, its business as usual with bribery, corruption and kickbacks from arms deals going full speed ahead.
If there was money to be made, the SL Cricket Board would organize a tour to even the North Pole, and the SL Government would send the cricket team to Somalia or Afghanistan if those countries were willing to sell them arms and ammunition to fight the LTTE and the Tamils.
The way things look at the moment it’s more than likely that the 2011 World Cup will be held in Australia and New Zealand. As long as maximum power is not devolved to the Tamils of Sri Lanka, as long as India does not give autonomy to the Kashmir population, and as long as various Jihadist groups operate in Pakistan, there is going to be security threats to all cricket teams that tour these countries. Future cricket tours will probably take place in neutral venues like Dubai and Abu Dhabi, and Asia wont be able to host a World Cup for a very long time. Like they say, its better to be safe than sorry. (Thank God for Cable TV).
ps: A story doing the rounds is that the attack on the SL cricketers targeting players like Sangakara, Mahela, Samaraweera and Vaas was masterminded by Sanath Jayasuriya so that there would be no one left to appoint as captain except for himself, is nothing but a malicious rumour. Also the targeting of Tharanga Parnavithana who may have been a threat to Jayasuriya’s slot as an opening batsman is also just another rumour.
“No such rumours or attacks will deter me from playing until the 2039 World Cup,” said Sanath Jayasuriya when questioned by a reporter.
"I Was The First Tamil President of Sri Lanka" by Barakamesh Obamasingham.
"An advanced guide to Hedging” by Ashantha de Mel.
"The Mihin Air Miracle” by Sir Richard Branson with a forward by Hon.Sajin Vaas
"Lap Dog Millionaire" by Wimal Weerawansa.
"Mahinda is the one God & Gotabaya is his Prophet" by A.H.M. Fowzie & Alavi Moulana.
"The Mahinda Chinthanaya in comparison to the Tripitaka, Bible, Koran & Rig Veda" by Champika Ranawaka & Udaya Gamanpillai.
"Attaining Nirvana Through The Mahinda Chinthanaya" by Dr.Rajitha Senaratne.
"Humanitarian War & How I Solved The Unemployment Problem In Sri Lanka" by Mahinda Rajapaksa.
"Join the Army and loose a leg" by a disabled soldier.
"Fighting for Peace is like F**king for Virginity" by Kumar Rupasinghe.
"Eat, Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow is Poya" by Athuriliye Rathna Thero.
"War Lord Millionaires" by the Rajapaksa Brothers.
"If at first you don’t ‘Secede’ try and try again" by Vellupillai Prabahakaran.
"Doctor Hoo – My Rupavahini Debacle" by Dr.Mervin Silva.
"Round the world in 365 days" by Rohitha Bogollagama.
"The War On Tourism – How to bully tourists into visiting Sri Lanka" by Milinda Moragoda.
"Seaside Bummers" by a former child soldier, now a child prostitute in Hikkaduwa.
"The Art of Indiscriminate War – Having fun with cluster bombs & multi barrel rockets" by General Sarath Fonseka, with a forward by Sun Tzu.
"Holidaying in NO Fire Zones & Welfare Holiday Camps" by a Tamil civilian.
"Mettha, Muditha, Karuna, Upeksha & Pillayan" by Karuna, Upeksha Swarnamali & Pillayan.
"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" by Gotabaya Rajapaksa, General Sarath Fonseka and the Jathika Hela Urumaya.
"The Greatest President That Never Ruled Sri Lanka" an Autobiography by Ranil Wickramasinghe.
"War without casualties, low flying satellites and other tall stories" by Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara.
"Headlines & Deadlines – Popular April Fools Predictions" by Keheliya Rambukwella.
"NO BALLS & WIDES – A Complete Guide To Fast Bowling" by Dilhara Fernando.
"ALL MY BALLS WERE YORKERS" an Autobiography by Chaminda Vaas.
"THE BOYS PLAYED PRETTY WELL" an Autobiography by Arjuna Ranatunga.
"Captaincy and the 2039 World Cup" by Sanath Jayasuriya.
"Chucking For Wickets" by Muttiah Muralitharan.
"HOW MANY MORE FINAL BATTLES?" by a Gullible Sri Lankan.
"The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth" by Roopa Vaahinee & Daley Noise with a forward by Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara & Keheliya Rabukwella.
"Lies, Damned Lies & Statistics" by Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara, Ajith Nivaard Cabraal & Keheliya Rabukwella.
"Gullible Sri Lankans & Swiss Bank Accounts " by Sakvithi Ranasinghe & Mahinda Rajapaksa.
"Neutral Umpiring " by Kumar Darmasena & Gamini Silva with a forward by B.C.Cooray.
"Alien Abductions & Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects" by Gotabaya Rajapaksa & General Sarath Fonseka.
"The Four Brothers of the Apocalypse" by Rajapaksa and his Righteous Brothers.