June 25, 2009

The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth…

(and may humanitarian lighting strike you if you don’t believe us)

Breaking News from Idiot Island Television (IIT) brought to you by Military Comedian Brigadiar Youliar Peenorkeeyokaara and Government Comedian Kehelmala Rambutang.

Idiot Island 2009 AD (20.40am)
Three Tranquil men…a butcher, a baker and a candle stick maker were captured in a tub by the Idiot Island Navy (IIN) while trying to escape to Tranquil Naadoo. The IIN recovered 50 loves of bread, 20 pounds of chicken beef and 150 candles that were hidden in the tub. Informed sources say that an investigation will be held to ascertain whether the bread, chicken beef and candles had been brought into the island during the period of the ‘If You’ll Don’t Shoot, We Wont Shoot Agreement.’

Idiot Island 2009 AD (21.10am)
It has been verified that Tourist Leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom’s pet dog Lassie Master, pet cat Garfield Master and pet parrot Polly Master were shot dead while trying to escape in an ambulance across the Pork Straits, 500 meters from Bacon junction! DNA tests prove beyond a doubt that Lassie Master was a dog, Garfield Master was a cat and Polly Master was indeed a parrot. A large consignment of dog food, cat food and bird seed was also recovered from the captured ambulance. Authorities believe that this consignment of pet food entered Idiot Island during the 3rd World War when Joypang was bombing the Pale Arbour, and not during the period of the ‘If You’ll Don’t Shoot, We Wont Shoot Agreement’ as stated by BooBeeSee, See & End and Helljayzee Raw.

Idiot Island 2009 AD (21.17am)
In news just in, an eye witness states that Tourist Leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom was teleported up to the ‘Starship Enterprise’ a few minute ago! The witness said that as armed jokers surrounded Tourist Leader Prebiocarrom, he spoke into a satellite phone and said, “Beam Me Up, Scotty!” Then a flash of light emanated from the Enterprise and engulfed the Tourist Leader. When the light faded away a few seconds later, there was no trace of Mr. Prebiocarrom. Efforts to contact Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock of the ‘Starship Enterprise,’were to no avail.

Idiot Island 2009 AD (22.56am)
Commandant of the ‘Treblinka Welfare Concentration Camp,’(TWCC) Major Himmler Heyadrich told reporters today, that the Tranquil Tourists of this camp should consider TWCC as a tourist resort, and their stay there as an all-expense-paid government holiday. “The barbed wire surrounding the camp, and the armed SS (Stinkerlees Soldiers) were there to protect the Tranquil Tourists from unscrupulous tour guides and inquisitive journalists,” said the commandant. Major Himmler Heyadrich also stated that he would leave no stone unturned in trying to provide 5-star-hospitality for all the holiday makers in the TWCC. Major Himmler insisted when asked by a reporter that a 7 course meal will be provided 3 times a day to each Tranquil Tourist for the next 26 years, courtesy of the Government of Idiot Island. Major Himmler also said that United Bankers Secretary General, Mr. Banking Boom who visited the TWCC had praised him for his efficiency in running the camp.

Idiot Island 2009 AD (23.46am)
General Polpot Funnyshaker today denied charges that 20,000 eggs had been broken to make omelettes for the heroic armed jokers fooling around in the north of Idiot Island. General Funnyshaker told reporters that not a single egg was broken while making omelettes. He further stated that his armed jokers had proved to the whole of Planet Mirth that they were the only jokers who could make omelettes without breaking a single egg. When asked by reporters about the thousands of egg shells that were strewn around the ‘Please Don’t Fire We Are Only Innocent Eggs Zone,’ General Funnyshaker said that those eggs were broken by the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium,’ to make omelettes for their armed jokers. In closing General Funnyshaker said, “What I have said is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…and if you all don’t believe me, may humanitarian lightning strike you all down and white vans abduct you all in the middle of the night!”

June 24, 2009

Jayzee of NasalRot

Once upon a time, in the year 2009 AD, the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared to Jayasaf in a dream and said, “Don’t hesitate to take MIAree as your wife! For the child within her has been conceived through an ‘International Conspiracy’ while she was in the ‘Please Don’t Fire We Are Innocent Tranquils Zone,’ and she will have a son, and you shall name him Jayzee and he will save his Tranquil tribes people from the misery they have undergone at the hands of the Stinkerlees tribes people for over 61 hundred years!”

When Jayasaf awoke, he did as the ‘Agent of RAW’ had commanded and took MIAree and surrendered to a ‘Welfare Concentration Camp,’ surrounded by barbed wire and armed SS. Jayzee was born in such a camp, in a canvas tent in the town of Bretleehom, during the reign of King Adolf Rogerproxy, Dictator of Idiot Island. At about this time, three wise dignitaries from Western lands arrived in Koolamboo, the capital of Idiot Island, asking, “Where is the newborn King of the Tranquils? For we received news of his birth from satellite images, and have come to worship him and make an independent confirmation.”

King Rogerproxy was deeply disturbed by the satellite evidence from the ‘Eye in the Sky,’ hovering over Bretleehom; the sole witness to all that transpired in the Tranquil homeland towards the north of Idiot Island. So he immediately called a cupboard meeting. And when the hundred an eleven cupboard polytikboobees arrived he asked, “Did our intelligence comedians inform us where the King of the Tranquils would be born?”

“Yes Sir! No Sir! In Bretleehom Sir!” they all chroused.
Then King Rogerproxy sent three SMS messages to the three wise dignitaries, asking them to come and see him; at this meeting he found out the exact time and date that they received confirmation from the satellite. Then he told them, “Go to Bretleehom and search for the child. You will be allowed free access to all the ‘Welfare Concentration Camp,’ with no restrictions whatsoever. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him too!”
After this interview, the three wise foreign dignitaries started their journey towards the north. And lo! And behold! The satellite appeared to them hovering over Bretleehom, and their joy knew no bounds! Entering the canvas tent where the baby Jayzee and MIAree his mother were, they threw themselves down before him, worshiping. Then they opened their presents and gave him a state-of-the-art satellite phone, a laptop with a high speed internet connection and a gift voucher to shop at the ‘OD HELL Warehouse.’

When they returned to their own lands in the West, they didn’t go through Koolamboo to report to King Rogerproxy, for an ‘Agent of the SeeHighHay’ had warned them in a dream to take a boat to Tranquil Naadoo and hop a flight home from there. After they had gone, the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared to Jayasaf in a dream. “Get up and flee to Tranquil Naadoo with the baby Jayzee and his mother,” the Agent said, “and stay there until I tell you to return, for King Rogerproxy is going to permanently rehabilitate the child and blame it on an ‘International Conspiracy’ to put the Kingdom of Idiot Island into disrepute.”

That same night, Jayasaf left for Tranquil Naadoo with MIAree and the child, and stayed there until he received further instructions from the ‘Agent of RAW.’ King Rogerproxy was furious when he learned that the three wise dignitaries had disobeyed him. Sending his SS to Bretleehom, he ordered them to permanently rehabilitate every baby boy two years old and under, both in the town and in the various ‘Welfare Concentration Camps.’ This humanitarian action of King Rogerproxy fulfilled the prophecy of the ‘Agent of RAW.’ The screams of anguish, the unrestrained weeping and gnashing of teeth for their permanently rehabilitated children was recorded by the ‘Eye in the Sky’ satellite and relayed to BooBeeSee, See & End and Helljayzee Raw who broadcast these images to every nook and corner of Planet Mirth.

King Rogerproxy and his hundred and eleven cupboard polytikboobees once again screamed till they were blue in the face, claiming that this was another ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Kingdom of Idiot Island. But the Mirthlings around Planet Mirth could not be fooled.

“Shame on you!” they said, and asked for an independent commission to look into the human wrongs committed by the SS, but King Rogerproxy rejected this outright. When King Rogerproxy eventually died, (some say of ‘swine flu’) the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared once again in a dream to Jayasaf in Tranquil Naadoo, and told him, “Get up and take the baby Jayzee and his mother MIAree back to Idiot Island, for those who were trying to permanently rehabilitate the child are dead.

So Jayasaf returned immediately to Idiot Island with Jayzee and his mother. But on the way he got to hear that the new king was Rogerproxy’s son Nomaleproxy. Then in another dream, Jayasaf was warned (by who else) but the ‘Agent of RAW,’ not to go back to Bretleehom due to security reasons. So they went to live in NasalRot, just a stone’s throw away from WallHerWhatHer. Jayzee’s parent’s Jayasaf and MIAree registered themselves at the local police station, before they rented a small apartment after paying a five year advance. Jayzee went to the local international school and was a good student. He was called ‘Jayzee of NasalRot’ by all hi friends, and his enemies called him by many other names (but that’s another story). And so Jayzee and his parents lived happily ever after.

Quite an anti climax isn’t it? If you were expecting plenty of blood and gore and murder and mayhem, you should have switched on to ‘Idiot Island Television’ and watched ‘Humanitarian War’ instead!