March 12, 2010

Headlines that could appear in Sri Lankan Newspapers in 2050AD

President Namal Rajapaksa tells NDTV that the LTTE will be completely defeated by the end of the year!

Prime Minister of India, Rahul Gandhi said at a press conference that India does not support the LTTE, and that there are no LTTE camps on Indian soil.

Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior, Supreme Leader of the LTTE, vows to use two 15 kiloton nuclear devices obtained from North Korea in populated Sinhala areas if a separate state of Eelam is not granted by the Government of Rajapaksa (GOR).

The great pyramid housing the mummified remains of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, father of present President Namal Rajapaksa was completely destroyed by LTTE jets!

The sacred ‘Satakaya’ once worn by the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, which is said to hold magical powers has been secreted away from the Dalada Maligawa to an undisclosed location for safe keeping!

Wimal Weerawansa, former lapdog of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa passed away after a brief illness in Disneyland America. The remains will be cremated and buried in Cuba next to the grave of Fidel Castro!

DNA evidence proves beyond a doubt that the former Supreme Leader of the LTTE, Velupillai Prabahakaran was the biological father of present LTTE leader Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior.

The International Criminal Court convicts Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, Gotabaya Rajapaksa and General Sarath Fonseka, (all three who are now deceased) for being responsible for the deaths of over 20,000 Tamil civilians during the final stages of the war against the LTTE, 41 years ago.

The Great Wall of Sri Lanka, which was built in 2012AD, across the north of Sri Lanka to prevent LTTE rebels from crossing over to the south, is the only man made structure that can be seen from outer space, said Urine Gagarine Rajapaksa, the first Sri Lankan astronaut to orbit the earth!

The Jathika Hela Urumaya requests all patriotic Sinhala Buddhists not to vote for UNP Presidential Candidate, Barakamesh Hobarmysingham (a Tamil), because he vows to devolve maximum powers to the minorities in the north and east, and in doing so, bring to an end the 100 year conflict between the Sinhalese and the Tamils.

The yearly pilgrimage to the graves of Military Comedian Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara and Government Comedian Keheliya Rambukwella, who kept audiences worldwide in stitches with their daily utterances and tall stories about Eelam War IV, over 40 years ago, will not be held this year due to security reasons, said Charlie Chaplin Rajapaksa, the spokesman for "The Clowns and Comedians Worldwide Association."

President Namal Rajapaksa promised the 3,00,000 refugees who were displaced due to the war, 41 years ago, that he would re-settle them after the LTTE was completely defeated!

Cabraal Nivaad Ajith, Central Bank Governor and son of former Governor, (the late Ajith Nivaad Cabraal) said that the 2.6 billion US$ loan that Sri Lanka requested from the IMF in 2009, would be received in the near future.

95 year old Jathika Hela Urumaya monk, Athuruliye Rathna Thero told journalists that the only way "Mathata Thitha," the complete eradication of alcohol and drugs from society would succeed was, if society was completely eradicated. He further stated that a special bill on how this could be done would be presented to parliament in the near future.

March 9, 2010

BEANheen Air – We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight

“Good day, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BEANheen Air. This is your captain speaking. I am happy to announce that this is the first supersonic flight undertaken by BEANheen Air from Idiot Island to Libby Yar. We will be flying at an altitude of 90,000 feet and a speed of 1800km per hour. Our flying time from Idiot Island to Libby Yar will be 2 hours and 45 minutes.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know you are wondering why we have been waiting to take off for over 2 hours. Unfortunately, His
Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has been held up in traffic. We will be taking off as soon as she gets on board. In the mean time you are kindly requested to watch the in-flight movie of our beloved Presi-Dunce and his Royal Family of 300+ on their recent visit to LunDumb, Parish and NooYuk.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has finally got on board. We have now been cleared for take off. I apologize for the 6 hour delay at the runway. The stewardesses will now serve you Kurakang bread and Kola Kenda.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have broken some sort of record. Our flying time to Libby Yar was 2 hours and 31 minutes. Unfortunately there are many planes circling the airport, and we have been asked to fly over the Sha-Ha-Raa desert and hold there at 65,000 feet.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, since I last spoke to you, 90 minutes ago, I regret the Libby Yar airport has asked us to maintain altitude and fly in a pattern over Tim-Buck-Too.”

“Friend’s, I know you are all very tired and hungry and thirsty, but trying to break down my door is not going to help anybody. We should be getting the green light from Libby Yar at anytime now…”

“We will be permitted to land within the next hour. Please fasten your safety belts, and may the blessings of His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean be upon you all!”

“We are now on the ground at Libby Yar airport. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any room at the ramp, and we have been asked to wait out here until someone leaves. It should not take more than 40 or 50 minutes. Until then, please relax and watch the in-flight movie number 2 of our beloved Presi-Dunce’s recent visit to Eeeran, Meandmymaa and Shyna.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, here we are at the terminal, and I hope you enjoyed the maiden supersonic flight of BEANheen Air. I’m happy to announce we beat the previous record set by ChristoBean ColomBus when he crossed the Hatlantik in 1492 in the NeenaBean, the PintaBean and the SantamariaBean by 4 hours and 12 minutes.”

“Have a wonderful day, and don’t forget to tell your friends and relatives about BEANheen Air. Our motto as always is: We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight!

Jaya Hoo!

ETISALAT - Was never about you...Duh!

March 8, 2010

Sir NUT Jew Sorrya

Alivar Twistasingham by Charles Dickenspaksha

The room in which the former child soldiers were fed was quite large. Here the cook assisted by one or two women ladled the Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread at mealtimes. The bowls never wanted washing. The former child soldiers polished them with their spoons until they shone; and when they had performed this humanitarian operation, they would sit staring at the cook. Alivar Twistasingham and his companions suffered the tortures of slow starvation for three months due to the GSP+ concession having been withdrawn.

At last they got so voracious and wild with hunger that one former child soldier hinted darkly that unless he had a two-thirds majority of Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread, he might some night decide to go over to the opposition or maybe even eat the boy who slept next to him. He had a wild hungry eye and kept screaming ‘Maathroooboomeeyaa…’ in his sleep; and they implicitly believed him.

A council was held and votes were cast to find out who would walk up to the cook after dinner and ask for more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread. Due to a computer ‘Jilmart’ while counting the votes, the task fell upon Alivar. The evening arrived and the boys took their places. The Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread disappeared; the boys whispered ‘Maathroooboomeeyaa…’ to each other and winked at Alivar.

As he was desperate with hunger, he rose from the table and advanced towards the cook with his bowl and spoon in hand and said, “Please, sir, I want some more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.” The cook turned very pale, his assistants were paralysed with wonder and the boys with fear. “What!” Said the cook in a faint voice. “Please sir,” said Alivar, “I want some more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.”

The cook aimed a humanitarian blow at Alivar’s head with the ladle and shrieked aloud for the ‘Welfare Holiday Camp’ Commandant.

The Military Court was sitting in solemn conclave, when Commandant Bumblepaksha rushed into the room in great excitement and said, “I beg your pardon sirs! Alivar Twistasingham has asked for more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.” There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance. Alivar was ordered into instant confinement under the ‘Prevention Of Tourism’ Act, and a reward of 5 pounds was offered to anybody who could prove that Alivar was hatching an International Conspiracy to bring the ‘Welfare Holiday Camp’ into disrepute.

(To be continued no sooner than when the fundamental rights case filed by Alivar Twistasingham, against his unlawful arrest and confinement, naming the cook and Mr, Bumblepaksha as respondents is taken up for review by the Supreme Court).