December 14, 2010

The NEW Silly Lankan National Anthem

God save our gracious Maha Raja,
Long live our noble Maha Raja,
God save the Maha Raja!
Send him victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
God save the Maha Raja!

O Maha Raja arise,
Scatter our enemies,
And make them fall with more 9/11s!
Confound their International conspiracies,
Confuse their politics,
On you our hopes we fix,
God save the Maha Raja!

Not in this land alone,
Be Maha Raja’s mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Maha Raja make the nations see,
That brothers should rule,
And only one family reign,
The wide world ov'er

From every latent foe,
From the Diaspora to Sir Roth Funnyshaker,
God save the Maha Raja!
O'er his arm extend,
For Rajapakistan’s sake defend,
Our father, king, uncle, aunty and friend,
God save the Maha Raja!

Thy choicest real estate in the land,
On him be pleased to bestow,
Long may he reign! And after him his son!
May he defend our laws,
And ever give us cause,
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Maha Raja!

November 27, 2010

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) (aka Megalomania)

According to the World Health Organization, Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is described as, “A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behaviour), need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of situations and environments.”
In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

 Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

 Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

 Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

Rarely acknowledges mistakes and/or imperfections.

 Requires excessive admiration.

 Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

 Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

 Lacks empathy: is unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

 Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

 Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitude.

Theodore Millon identified five subtypes of narcissist. Any individual narcissist may exhibit none or one of the following:

 unprincipled narcissist - including antisocial features. A charlatan - is a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual. (Pronounced as JILMART in Sinhala)

 amorous narcissist - including histrionic features. The Don Juan of our times - is erotic, exhibitionist.

 compensatory narcissist - including negativistic (passive-aggressive), avoidant features.

 elitist narcissist - variant of pure pattern. Corresponds to Wilhelm Reich's "phallic narcissistic" personality type.

 fanatic type - including paranoid features. A severely narcissistically wounded individual, usually with major paranoid tendencies who holds onto an illusion of omnipotence.

My personal belief is that Mahinda Rajapaksa is afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If you have been closely observing his shenanigans since he came to power in November 2005, (especially the recent week long Tamasha that was organised for his second inauguration as PresiDunce), you too would have come to the same conclusion after reading the observations of the WHO and Theodore Millon which are given above. I further believe that according to Theodore Millons identified five subtypes of narcissist, Mahinda Rajapaksa falls in to the category of,

 unprincipled narcissist - including antisocial features. A charlatan - is a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual. (Pronounced as JILMART in Sinhala)


 fanatic type - including paranoid features. A severely narcissistically wounded individual, usually with major paranoid tendencies who holds onto an illusion of omnipotence.

Now the 64 million dollar question is, WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
Short of a peoples’ revolution or the grim reaper having mercy upon us and giving Rajapaksa what he deserves...I see no other solution to the continuation of his dictatorial rule in the near future!

November 21, 2010

The Sri Lankan & North Korean Family Rule

North Korea here we come!

North Korea’s government follows the Juche ideology of self-reliance, developed by the country's former President, Kim Il-sung. After his death, Kim Il-sung was declared to be the country's Eternal President. (ha...ha...ha...reminds me of the slogan on banners, “Oba samadaa apay Janapathi!” translated to English it means you will be our PresiDunce forever!)

Juche became the official state ideology when the country adopted a new constitution in 1972, though Kim Il-sung had been using it to form policy since at least as early as 1955. (remids me of the “Mahinda Chinthanaya.”) After the collapse of the Soviet Union and a series of natural disasters, a famine occurred, causing the death of 900,000 to 2 million people. (We can expect something similar in the near future!) Facing these circumstances, leader Kim Jong-Il (thats Kim Il-sungs son) adopted Songun, or a "military-first" policy in order to strengthen the country and its government. (what will Namal adopt after his father kicks the bucket? “Namal Chinthanaya?”)

Officially a socialist republic, many media organizations outside North Korea report that it is a totalitarian Stalinist dictatorship with an elaborate cult of personality around the Kim family and one of the worst human rights records of any country. (Now is there a cult of personality behind the Rajapaksha family or not?) North Korea is the world's most militarized nation with a total of 9,495,000 active, reserve, and paramilitary personnel. (Sri Lanka is slowly getting there). It is a nuclear weapons state, and has begun an active space program. (All Rajapaksa doesn’t have for the time being is nuclear weapons...God help the neighbouring countries if he gets his hands on a few nukes!) Due to the government's secretive nature and its reluctance to allow in foreigners, North Korea is today considered the world's most isolated country and has thus been given the moniker "The Hermit Kingdom" by some. (well Sri Lanka is slowly but surely getting there and I have given it the moniker, “JILMART ISLAND”).

October 28, 2010

Life in Hitler's Third Reich and Rajapaksa's Family Reich

The paragraph given below is taken from William L. Shirers "THE RISE AND FALL OF THE THIRD REICH"
When reading it, substitute the word Sri Lankans for Germans
substitute the words Rajapaksa officials for Nazi officials
substitute the words Rajapaksa sources for Nazi sources
substitute the names Rajapaksa for Hitler and Weerawansa for Goebbels

I myself was to experience how easily one is taken in by a lying and censored press and radio in a totalitarian state. Though unlike most Germans I had daily access to foreign newspapers, especially those of London, Paris and Zurich,which arrived the day after publication, and though I listened regularly to the BBC and other foreign broadcasts, my job necessitated the spending of many hours a day in combing the German press, checking the German radio, conferring with Nazi officials and going to party meetings. It was surprising and sometimes consternating to find that notwithstanding the opportunities I had to learn the facts and despite one’s inherent distrust of what one learned from Nazi sources,a steady diet over the years of falsifications and distortions made a certain impression on one’s mind and often misled it. No one who has not lived for years in a totalitarian land can possibly conceive how difficult it is to escape the dread consequences of a regime’s calculated and incessant propaganda. Often in a German home or office or sometimes in a casual conversation with a stranger in a restaurant, a beer hall, a cafe, I would meet with the most outlandish assertions from seemingly educated and intelligent persons. It was obvious that they were parroting some piece of nonsense they had heard on the radio or read in the newspapers. Sometimes one was tempted to say as much, but on such occasions one was met with such a stare of incredulity, such a shock of silence, as if one had blasphemed the Almighty, that one realized how useless it was even to try to make contact with a mind which had become warped and for whom the facts of life had become what Hitler and Goebbels, with their cynical disregard for truth, said they were.

October 7, 2010

Que Sera “The Yarn” (sung to the tune of “Que Sera Sera”)

When “The Yarn” was just a little boy
He asked his mother, what will I be?
Will I be a “UI”, will I be a “Dr.”
Here's what she said to him.

Que Sera “The Yarn”

Whatever “MR” want’s will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera “The Yarn”
What “MR” want’s will be.

When “The Yarn” was young, he joined V.Perumal,
And asked V.Perumal what lies ahead?
Will we have a separate state, day after day
Here's what V.Perumal said.

Que Sera “The Yarn”
Whatever “VP” want’s will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera “The Yarn”
What “VP” want’s will be.

Now “The Yarn” lectures idiots through “groundviews,”
They ask “The Yarn”, what will life be?
Will we be the “ASSchariya Rai of Asia?” Will we be rich?
He tells them tenderly. (Using some “The Yarn” Speak)

Que Sera, paradigm shift...semantics and neo-patrimonialism...
physical persuasion... psychological casualties...Sera
whatever the “Neo-Patriarch MR” want’s will be,
The future's “MRs”, to see
Que Sera, paradigm shift...semantics and neo-patrimonialism...
physical persuasion... psychological casualties...Sera
What “MR” want’s will be.

Ps: UI stands for “Useful Idiots”
MR stands for “U NO HOO”
And for any thing else...check my blog

"Dr." The Yarn...when we were young we respected people like you and Dr. Rajiva MR better than JR?

October 5, 2010

The Killer Inside ME (2010)

Based on the novel by legendary pulp writer Jilmart Thompsonpaksha, Michael Winterbottompaksha's, 'The Killer Inside ME' tells the story of smarmy looking small town ParleyMutt Percy 'Jilmart' Bean, who comes in contact with a prostitute in his capacity of "Cartetaker" of 'Jilmart Island.'

It turns out to be a very unexpected and violent encounter. Percy 'Jilmart' Bean has a bunch of problems. Megalomania problems. Abduction problems. Dynastic Problems. Zero Casualtiy Problems. An ever-growing pile of murder victims in his HumBug TOTO jurisdiction. And the fact he's a sadist, a psychopath, a killer. We learn how he dispatches several journalists'and thousand of unarmed civilians. Suspicion begins to fall on Percy 'Jilmart' Bean, and it's only a matter of time before he runs out of alibis. But in Percy 'Jilmart' Bean's savage, bleak, blacker than noir 'ASSchariya Rai Universe' nothing is ever what it seems and it turns out that the investigators from "THE UNITED BANKERS" pursuing him might have a secret of their own. Especially chief investigator Mr. Banking BOOM. You should expect the unexpected all along through out this story until the very end.

Michael Winterbottompaksa

Chris Hanleypaksa
Bradford L. Schleipaksa
Andrew Eatonpaksa

Percy 'Jilmart' Bean
Kate Hudson
Jessica Alba

September 22, 2010

Whither goest thou Sri Lanka?

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." – from Hamlet, William Shakespeare; Act II, scene ii

Unfortunately in Sri Lanka, a majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that this country belongs only to them, while the Muslim, Tamils and Christian minorities should be seen and not heard!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that they are the greatest race on earth with the greatest culture and language in the world!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that this country can become the “ASSchariya Rai” of Asia, even though countries like Japan, Singapore, Korea, Malaysia, China etc. are far ahead of us, and we would have to go past them to become the “ASSchariya Rai” of Asia!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that we can become the most developed country in Asia, simply by continuing to be an agricultural country!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that pigs will one day fly, hell will freeze over someday soon, and western women will one day work as ‘housemaids’ in Sri Lanka. (That is once we become the “ASSchariya Rai” of Asia).

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that ‘One Family Rule,’ is better than Democracy!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that Sri Lanka is the most Democratic country in the world, where ‘Wars’ are called ‘Humanitarian Operations,’ with ‘Zero Casualties,’ to civilians!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that just because they are a numerical majority, they can ride rough shod over the minorities and tell them what they should eat and drink and what is the permissible culture and language for the minorities, irrespective of the fact that minorities have their own culture and language!

Now the 64,000 dollar question is, Is there a way forward?

The answer is: Only if the majority is rehabilitated to think differently! If that can be done. There will be real peace and development; and not the ‘kind of a peace’ and a ‘kind of development’ (where most of the money goes into the pockets of the ruling family). THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING TODAY!

Quo vadis?

Whither goest thou Sri Lanka?

September 19, 2010

Come to Malboro Country - The Land of Zero Casualties

The Idiot Island Children’s Book Of Parleymutting

Lesson 1
See the funny man.
His job is ‘Parleymutting.’
He is called a ‘Parleymutt.’
See the funny white outfit he is wearing.
It is called the ‘Fool the Idiots Outfit.’
See his funny moustache and the funny purple towel around his neck.
Hear his funny stomach churn.
Churn, churn, churn.
The funny Parleymutt has a funny ulcer.
Most funny Parleymutts have funny ulcers.
But some funny Parleymutts are lucky.
They do not have funny ulcers.
They have funny high blood pressure.

Lesson 2
See the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
The funny Parleymutt is lying to the funny tax paying idiots.
All funny Parleymutts lie to the funny tax paying idiots.
He is telling them to tighten their belts.
Tighten. Tighten. Tighten.
After his speech, the funny Parleymutt will give the funny tax paying idiots breakfast.
‘Koorakong Bread’ and ‘Colour Canda.’
Yum! Yum! Yum!

Lesson 3
See the pretty lake.
It is called the ‘Doyouwanna Lake.’
See the funny Parleymutts building in the middle of the pretty lake.
All the funny Parleymutts work there.
They say “Long Live The Gang Of Four!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
They say, “We will safeguard Democrazy!”
The bald Parleymutts with orange bed sheets wrapped around them say,
“We want a Dharmacrazy!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Don’t you wish YOU could speak like these funny Parleymutts?
You can.
You are almost seven now!

Lesson 4
See the funny Parleymutts building.
225 funny Parleymutts work there.
Let us count the 225 funny Parleymutts.
Count! Count! Count!
Hmmm! 200 funny Parleymutts are missing.
Naughty! Naughty! Naughty!
Where are the 200 funny Parleymutts now?
Holidaying in LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk.
Isn’t Parleymutting fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!
The funny tax paying idiots must have lost another billion or two of their tax money.

Lesson 5
See the funny man in glasses with the silly grin on his face.
He is the brother of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
He has made 132 people vanish today, by courtesy of WUFOs.
And it isn’t even lunchtime yet!
Vanish! Vanish! Vanish!
See the other two funny men standing next to him.
They will not be made to vanish today.
They are funny Parleymutts too.
They are the funny Parleymutt brothers of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
How lucky the funny tax paying people are.
Lucky! Lucky! Lucky!
Vote for one, and get ‘4 for the price of 1.’

Lesson 6
See the funny Parleymutt with the hair gel, beard and 2 mobile phones.
The funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck loves and trusts him.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Trust! Trust! Trust!
This funny Parleymutt does the marketing and he also washes the clothes of
the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck.
Marketing! Marketing! Marketing!
Wash! Wash! Wash!
Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
Parleymutting is hard work.
The funny tax paying people should be grateful for funny hard working Parleymutts like him.

Lesson 7
See the funny ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Funny Parleymutts have 1 or 2 funny ‘Cupboard Meetings’ a month.
But none on full moon days.
(Full moon days are reserved for catching ‘Permanent Rehabilitators of Cattle’
and ‘Liquor Salesman’).
They discuss everything at ‘Cupboard Meetings.’
At this ‘Cupboard Meeting’ they are discussing the drop in oil prices.
The funny tax paying idiots are still paying the old price for a litre of petrol.
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!
Soon the funny Parleymutts will make a BIG decision.
But not at this ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Maybe at the next ‘Cupboard Meeting’ that will be held in one month’s time.

Lesson 8
See the funny short Parleymutt Docter with the dark glasses.
He likes to re-arrange up T.V. Stations and steal cameras.
He studied only up to the 8th grade.
He can barely write his name.
But this is enough qualifications to become a funny Parleymutt on Idiot Island.
“Funny Parleymutt, why do you steal cameras and temporarily rehabilitate
jolly cameramen from private T.V. Stations?”
“Because they do not give happy endings to stories about me!”
“I like happy endings!”
Someday a jolly cameraman will hit him with a jolly camera, right on his jolly nut!
What a happy ending THAT will be!
Happy! Happy! Happy!

Lesson 9
Listen to the funny Peacekeeping Comedian talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Lie! Lie! Lie!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
“Is it true that 25,000 tourists were permanently rehabilitated and not a single
humanitarian peacekeeper was either permanently or partly rehabilitated?”
Of course! Of course! Of course!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
Grow! Grow! Grow!
“Funny Peacekeeping Comedian, when will the war end?”
There is no war, only a ‘Humanitarian Crusade!’
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Grow! Grow! Grow!
How nice it would be if the funny Peacekeeping Comedian’s
BRAIN would grow instead of his nose!

Lesson 10
See the funny tax-paying idiot.
He is the 8th wonder of the world.
He has a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He believes everything the funny Parleymutts tell him.
The funny Parleymutts T.V. channels and newspapers tell him what he likes to hear.
He believes he lives in the greatest country on Planet Mirth.
He believes he has the greatest culture and the best economy on Planet Mirth.
He believes that women from LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk,
will one-day work as housemaids in his country.
He also believes that pigs can fly and hell will one-day freeze over.
If this continues, the funny tax-paying idiot will become even more amazing.
He will no longer have a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He will have a 40-year-old body and a FIVE-year-old mind.

September 13, 2010

I Have A Dream (with apologies to Martin Luther King)

I have a dream that one day Jilmart Island will rise up and live out the true meaning of MY Chinthanaya: "I PresiDunce Bean hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created subservient to Me, and my family of 300+."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of GeorgiJilmart, the sons of former Tourists and the sons of former Tourist Rehabilitators will be able to sit down together at the table of Jilmarthood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of MississippiWaikkal, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of One Family Rule.

I have a dream that my three sons Ipang, Opang and Japang will one day live in a nation where Jilmartians will be judged by their ties to MY Family and not be judged by the color of their skin or by the content of their character.

I have a dream today for tomorrow and another 2500 years and more! Ha…ha…ha…
I have a dream that one day, down in AlabamaWaikkal, with its humanitarian racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "Maathrooboomeyaa" and "One country One people" -- one day right there in AlabamaWaikkal little Tranquil boys and Tranquil girls will be able to join hands with little Jilmart boys and Jilmart girls as sisters and brothers of one father. That’s ME!

I have a dream today!

And if Jilmart Island is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the prodigious hilltops of New HampshireWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the mighty mountains of New YuckWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the heightening Allegheniesthotta of PennsylvaniaWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the snow-capped Rockies of ColoradoWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the curvaceous slopes of CaliforniaWaikkal.

And when this happens, when we allow ‘One Family Rule’ to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, from every government office we will be able to speed up that day when all of MY children, MY Family of 300+, MY henchmen, MY hangers on, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Jilmart spiritual:
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank Almighty PresiDunce Bean, We Are Free At Last!

August 30, 2010

Dear Percy (Advice to Phoney Colomboians from a Phony Non-Colomboian Presi-Dunce)

Dear Percy,
I’m tired of having the right kind of job. I’m tired of wearing the right kind of clothes and being seen in the right kind of places. I’m also tired of driving the right kind of vehicle. In other words, I’m sick of being a Phoney Colomboian. What can I do to change?
Dear E.T.,
I suggest you quit your job, sell your vehicle and buy some second hand clothes. Then go and live in a “Welfare Holiday Camp” in WOWneeyar! In other words you can become a Phoney WOWneeyarn!

Dear Percy,
Whenever I go for a film festival at the Jewman Cultural Institute, I never know what’s going on. Afterwards, all my friends analyze and discuss the movie, but when they ask for my opinion, I just stand there looking like an idiot. Please help me!

Dear M.R.,
Next time they ask, look misty eyed, sigh and say, “It was such a deep, meaningful and personal experience that I’d rather not discuss it!”

Dear Percy,
I have a problem. I am the mother of an 18 year old girl, and I have given her all the better things in life – designer clothes, a red Porsche, several credit cards and vacations in Shysterland, Toyland and Noisyland. But no matter how hard I try, she persists in wasting her time studying. She claims she wants to become a teacher and teach the young holiday makers living in “Welfare Holiday Camps” in WOWneeyar. Where have I failed her as a mother?
Mrs. F.K.

Dear Mrs. F.K.,
Don’t blame yourself. You did the best you could, and that’s all that counts. If she wants to ruin her life, let her.

Dear Percy,
When is it proper to shake with the right hand, and when is it proper to greet ‘Colomboian Style’ with both palms together in front of your face?

Dear R.R.,
Although both palms together in front of your face is the traditional phoney greeting, you are mistaken in calling it the ‘Colomboian Style.’ The ‘Colomboian Style’ greeting for friends, enemies and total strangers alike is a hug and a kiss on both cheeks.

Dear Percy,
Last week I took a girl out to a fancy restaurant for dinner. When the bill came, I pulled out a huge roll of 2000 raypee notes and peeled off 4 notes and paid the bill. Since then she has refused to go out with me. Do you think I was too obvious in trying to impress her?

Dear D.S.,
The trouble is, you didn’t impress her at all. Anyone who pays cash in a fancy restaurant must be on the verge of bankruptcy. When you take the next girl out for dinner, use a credit card.

Dear Percy,
Your column irritates me. Why should Colomboians want to be phonies? They should be real and honest like me. I Don’t want to be something I’m not. Nor do I desire things I cannot have. I have found true happiness in my wife and 8 children, and great satisfaction in my job as a simple security guard.

Dear D.B.,
I admire you very much. Your argument shows that you are one of the biggest Phoney Colomboians who ever wrote to me. Have you ever thought of getting into politics?

Dear Percy,
I am engaged to a Colomboian who is a right royal phoney. I can’t believe a word he tells me, and his promises are worthless. What should I do?

Dear A.C.,
Marry the guy immediately! He has the makings of a great Parleymutt. Who knows, if he is lucky, he might even become Presi-Dunce! I’m a living example of that.

March 12, 2010

Headlines that could appear in Sri Lankan Newspapers in 2050AD

President Namal Rajapaksa tells NDTV that the LTTE will be completely defeated by the end of the year!

Prime Minister of India, Rahul Gandhi said at a press conference that India does not support the LTTE, and that there are no LTTE camps on Indian soil.

Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior, Supreme Leader of the LTTE, vows to use two 15 kiloton nuclear devices obtained from North Korea in populated Sinhala areas if a separate state of Eelam is not granted by the Government of Rajapaksa (GOR).

The great pyramid housing the mummified remains of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, father of present President Namal Rajapaksa was completely destroyed by LTTE jets!

The sacred ‘Satakaya’ once worn by the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, which is said to hold magical powers has been secreted away from the Dalada Maligawa to an undisclosed location for safe keeping!

Wimal Weerawansa, former lapdog of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa passed away after a brief illness in Disneyland America. The remains will be cremated and buried in Cuba next to the grave of Fidel Castro!

DNA evidence proves beyond a doubt that the former Supreme Leader of the LTTE, Velupillai Prabahakaran was the biological father of present LTTE leader Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior.

The International Criminal Court convicts Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, Gotabaya Rajapaksa and General Sarath Fonseka, (all three who are now deceased) for being responsible for the deaths of over 20,000 Tamil civilians during the final stages of the war against the LTTE, 41 years ago.

The Great Wall of Sri Lanka, which was built in 2012AD, across the north of Sri Lanka to prevent LTTE rebels from crossing over to the south, is the only man made structure that can be seen from outer space, said Urine Gagarine Rajapaksa, the first Sri Lankan astronaut to orbit the earth!

The Jathika Hela Urumaya requests all patriotic Sinhala Buddhists not to vote for UNP Presidential Candidate, Barakamesh Hobarmysingham (a Tamil), because he vows to devolve maximum powers to the minorities in the north and east, and in doing so, bring to an end the 100 year conflict between the Sinhalese and the Tamils.

The yearly pilgrimage to the graves of Military Comedian Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara and Government Comedian Keheliya Rambukwella, who kept audiences worldwide in stitches with their daily utterances and tall stories about Eelam War IV, over 40 years ago, will not be held this year due to security reasons, said Charlie Chaplin Rajapaksa, the spokesman for "The Clowns and Comedians Worldwide Association."

President Namal Rajapaksa promised the 3,00,000 refugees who were displaced due to the war, 41 years ago, that he would re-settle them after the LTTE was completely defeated!

Cabraal Nivaad Ajith, Central Bank Governor and son of former Governor, (the late Ajith Nivaad Cabraal) said that the 2.6 billion US$ loan that Sri Lanka requested from the IMF in 2009, would be received in the near future.

95 year old Jathika Hela Urumaya monk, Athuruliye Rathna Thero told journalists that the only way "Mathata Thitha," the complete eradication of alcohol and drugs from society would succeed was, if society was completely eradicated. He further stated that a special bill on how this could be done would be presented to parliament in the near future.

March 9, 2010

BEANheen Air – We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight

“Good day, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BEANheen Air. This is your captain speaking. I am happy to announce that this is the first supersonic flight undertaken by BEANheen Air from Idiot Island to Libby Yar. We will be flying at an altitude of 90,000 feet and a speed of 1800km per hour. Our flying time from Idiot Island to Libby Yar will be 2 hours and 45 minutes.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know you are wondering why we have been waiting to take off for over 2 hours. Unfortunately, His
Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has been held up in traffic. We will be taking off as soon as she gets on board. In the mean time you are kindly requested to watch the in-flight movie of our beloved Presi-Dunce and his Royal Family of 300+ on their recent visit to LunDumb, Parish and NooYuk.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has finally got on board. We have now been cleared for take off. I apologize for the 6 hour delay at the runway. The stewardesses will now serve you Kurakang bread and Kola Kenda.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have broken some sort of record. Our flying time to Libby Yar was 2 hours and 31 minutes. Unfortunately there are many planes circling the airport, and we have been asked to fly over the Sha-Ha-Raa desert and hold there at 65,000 feet.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, since I last spoke to you, 90 minutes ago, I regret the Libby Yar airport has asked us to maintain altitude and fly in a pattern over Tim-Buck-Too.”

“Friend’s, I know you are all very tired and hungry and thirsty, but trying to break down my door is not going to help anybody. We should be getting the green light from Libby Yar at anytime now…”

“We will be permitted to land within the next hour. Please fasten your safety belts, and may the blessings of His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean be upon you all!”

“We are now on the ground at Libby Yar airport. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any room at the ramp, and we have been asked to wait out here until someone leaves. It should not take more than 40 or 50 minutes. Until then, please relax and watch the in-flight movie number 2 of our beloved Presi-Dunce’s recent visit to Eeeran, Meandmymaa and Shyna.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, here we are at the terminal, and I hope you enjoyed the maiden supersonic flight of BEANheen Air. I’m happy to announce we beat the previous record set by ChristoBean ColomBus when he crossed the Hatlantik in 1492 in the NeenaBean, the PintaBean and the SantamariaBean by 4 hours and 12 minutes.”

“Have a wonderful day, and don’t forget to tell your friends and relatives about BEANheen Air. Our motto as always is: We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight!

Jaya Hoo!

ETISALAT - Was never about you...Duh!

March 8, 2010

Sir NUT Jew Sorrya

Alivar Twistasingham by Charles Dickenspaksha

The room in which the former child soldiers were fed was quite large. Here the cook assisted by one or two women ladled the Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread at mealtimes. The bowls never wanted washing. The former child soldiers polished them with their spoons until they shone; and when they had performed this humanitarian operation, they would sit staring at the cook. Alivar Twistasingham and his companions suffered the tortures of slow starvation for three months due to the GSP+ concession having been withdrawn.

At last they got so voracious and wild with hunger that one former child soldier hinted darkly that unless he had a two-thirds majority of Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread, he might some night decide to go over to the opposition or maybe even eat the boy who slept next to him. He had a wild hungry eye and kept screaming ‘Maathroooboomeeyaa…’ in his sleep; and they implicitly believed him.

A council was held and votes were cast to find out who would walk up to the cook after dinner and ask for more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread. Due to a computer ‘Jilmart’ while counting the votes, the task fell upon Alivar. The evening arrived and the boys took their places. The Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread disappeared; the boys whispered ‘Maathroooboomeeyaa…’ to each other and winked at Alivar.

As he was desperate with hunger, he rose from the table and advanced towards the cook with his bowl and spoon in hand and said, “Please, sir, I want some more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.” The cook turned very pale, his assistants were paralysed with wonder and the boys with fear. “What!” Said the cook in a faint voice. “Please sir,” said Alivar, “I want some more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.”

The cook aimed a humanitarian blow at Alivar’s head with the ladle and shrieked aloud for the ‘Welfare Holiday Camp’ Commandant.

The Military Court was sitting in solemn conclave, when Commandant Bumblepaksha rushed into the room in great excitement and said, “I beg your pardon sirs! Alivar Twistasingham has asked for more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.” There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance. Alivar was ordered into instant confinement under the ‘Prevention Of Tourism’ Act, and a reward of 5 pounds was offered to anybody who could prove that Alivar was hatching an International Conspiracy to bring the ‘Welfare Holiday Camp’ into disrepute.

(To be continued no sooner than when the fundamental rights case filed by Alivar Twistasingham, against his unlawful arrest and confinement, naming the cook and Mr, Bumblepaksha as respondents is taken up for review by the Supreme Court).

February 22, 2010

Why not to vote!

You're only one in a million, so why bother to vote, to speak up, to get involved, to commit yourself? German author Hans Habe answers this way: "The world is one percent good, one percent bad, and 98 percent neutral, and this is why what individuals do is important.

In the case of Sri Lanka, there is a 69 percent vocal majority and a 31 percent powerless minority. And a situation where the President is elected only from the 69 percent vocal majority, and never from the 31 percent powerless minority!
Now the 64 million dollar question is, WHY VOTE when the henchmen and henchwomen of the Royal Family eventually SELECTS who WINS and who LOSES…and by how much they win by at the counting centres.

The only way forward is for this country to be once again administered by Britain or some other 1st world country. Until then, Sri Lanka will meander along as a 'Can't be developed country,' ruled by an oriental despot and his Royal Family of 300+.

Jathika Hela Urumaya Sex Laws

Here are some repressive laws designed to regulate private sexual conduct in Sri Lanka. These laws will come into effect the day the "Jathika Hela Urumaya" comes to power and Sri Lanka is turned into a "Dharma Raajya."

1) Couples found kissing under an umbrella will have their umbrella confiscated and their lips sealed with super glue for not less than a period of six months.

2) Perversion will be defined by law as any sexual act that requires enough energy to regenerate a self-winding wrist watch.

3) Any individual who has been convicted of bestiality or sodomy will be required by law to wear a dog collar while mixing in public.

4) It will be considered a felony with a five year jail term for exhibiting a vasectomy scar to any female other than your wife.

5) Any sexual act that "burns ones eyebrows or pubic hair, leaves the tip of one's nose bruised or results in bite marks to any part of one's anatomy will be considered a criminal offence.

6) A minimum of eight years rigorous imprisonment will be the punishment for any man convicted of weighing his genitals in mixed company.

7) A fine of Rupees 5000/- will be prescribed for anyone who tosses confetti in the air while reaching a sexual climax.

8) A gynaecologist's hands will be considered deadly weapons and will have to be registered like firearms with the police department.

9) Ten years imprisonment will be the punishment for anyone engaged in the manufacture, sale, distribution or use of contraceptives and aphrodisiacs.

10) Any orgasm that registers on a Richter scale will be considered a crime against nature and will be punishable by not more than six months of solitary confinement.

11) It will be unlawful to wear a purple shirt, a pink trouser and white shoes while seducing a fashion designers daughter.

12) Teenagers will be required to sleep with both hands cuffed to the bed posts until they reach marriageable age.

13) An unmarried man who is found performing oral sex in a shopping cart in any 'Sathosa' supermarket automatically becomes ineligible for food stamps.

14) It will be against the law for an unmarried woman to own, manage or work in a sperm bank.

15) Any woman who arouses herself with a vegetable or any foreign object will be hanged.

16) Any soldier who dies while having intercourse with a prostitute will not be buried in a military cemetery with full military honours.

17) The death penalty will be invoked on anyone who inflates a condom at a children's birthday party.

18) Any intercourse that doesn't result in pregnancy will be deemed unlawful.

19) Anyone convicted of having sexual relations with the dead will not be legally permitted to celebrate Halloween.

20) The removal of the price tag from a water bed will be considered a misdemeanour. The act automatically becomes a felony if one happens to be having intercourse on the water bed at that time.

The Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean Prayer

Our Presi-Dunce who art in Hotel de Temple Palace,

Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean be thy name,

Thy KingDumb come, thy election will be won,

And thy Royal Family of 300+ will be in 7th Heaven.

Give us this day a packet of rice, and a 500 rupee bribe,

And urge us to vote for you, as we voted for you in 2005.

And lead us not into inflation, but deliver us from international conspiracies,

For thine is the army, navy, air force and police,

And the judges and the jury,

And the power and the glory,

Forever and ever,

Amen and Jaya HOO!

February 19, 2010

My Name is NOT Khan…

… It's Percy 'Jilmart' Bean! Presi-Dunce of "The DemoCrazy, TheoCrazy, International Conspiracy of Idiot Island!

Idiot Islanders Rejoice! You may have lost the GSP+...but you have gained ME and my Royal Family of 300+...

That Japang dude Sushi Yakashi once asked me, how often I had elections…and I replied to him that I have an election every time I see that Hinacurly girl!

The Shyneese Premier dude once asked me how many erections I have had since I was erected Presi-Dunce…and I told him to go ask the erections commissioner! Duh!

While having rice and curry with ME and my Royal Family of 300+…the Titalian Premier told me he wanna fork! I told him you no fork in front of my Royal Family of 300+ ! But he tell me he wanna fork on the table! I tell him, you no fork on the table you sonama beach! And he tell me, then at least give him a spoon. So I say, “Waiter! Give this man a spoon!” And he eat his rice and curry with the spoon; and he no longer wanna fork on the table. Bloody Titalians!

My 3 sons Ipang, Opang and Japang once asked me if all Fairy Tales began with ‘Once Upon A Time?’ And I said Nooo… some Fairy Tales begin with, When I Become Presi-Dunce…

When I’m at home, everyone kisses my butt…and when I’m abroad, I kiss everyone’s butt! I recently kissed Moda Dave and Putting’s butts when I went to Rooseeyar. I once even kissed the tarmac in the airport! Of all the butts I’ve kissed, the butt of Kernal GodayaFree of Labia, smelt the nicest!

Peepal’s who don’t love the country, call me by many names like Idi Amin Bean, Adolf Bean, Mugabe Bean and Pol Pot Bean. My reply to these peepal’s is the same as what my good friend Willyman Shake His Spear used to say… “A ruse by any other name, would still smell fishy like a computer ‘jilmart’ election fraud!”

Some Shynees dude said, many years ago, if you want to be remembered beyond your time…you must plant a tree, bear a son and write a book . Well I, Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean have uprooted thousands of trees to build an airport that nobody needs. I have 3 sons called Ipang, Opang and Japang who are 3 chips of the old block. And I have written 2 bestsellers called “My Name is NOT Khan” and “My Name Is Percy 'Jilmart' Bean!” I guess 2 out of 3 isn’t that bad eh? Without a doubt, the Percy 'Jilmart' Bean Reich will last a thousand years, and the name Percy 'Jilmart' Bean will last a thousand more! JAYA HOO!

The tourist in the chicken coop

Once upon a time, on a sunny morning on Idiot Island, a man looked out of the window and saw a tourist inside his chicken coop. So the man went to the bedroom where his wife was still asleep and woke her.

“There is a tourist in the chicken coop,” he said, “and I think he is hatching an international conspiracy!”

His wife opened one angry eye and looked at him.
“Tourism has been completely defeated,” she said. “There are no longer any tourists on Idiot Island...not even the ones who went around waving white thermos flasks!”

So the man walked out slowly into the garden and went towards the chicken coop. The tourist was still there.

“Are you a tourist or a state tourist? The man asked. “I’m a tourist, and I’m hatching an international conspiracy using NGO money to bring the government of Idiot Island into disrepute!” the tourist replied.

So the man walked back into the house and roused his wife again. “The tourist is hatching an international conspiracy using NGO money to bring the government of Idiot Island into disrepute!” he said.

His wife sat up in bed and looked at him coldly.
“You are an unpatriotic idiot who doesn’t love his country,” she said, “and I’m going to have you arrested under the Prevention of Tourism Act!”

The man who was a patriot, who didn’t boast about it to anyone, thought for a moment. “We shall see about that,” he said. Then he walked back towards the chicken coop to watch the tourist. But the tourist had vanished! Maybe a ‘White Unidentified Four-wheeled Object’ (WUFO) had made him vanish thought the man.

The wife got up and dressed as fast as she could. She was very excited, thinking about the reward she would get for capturing a traitor. So she hung the national flag from the window and telephoned the Peacekeepers and the Minister for the Prevention Of Tourism, (POT) and told them to hurry to her house as soon as possible!

When the Peacekeepers and the Minister of POT arrived, they sat down and looked at her with great interest.
“My husband,” she said, “saw a tourist inside a chicken coop this morning!”

The Peacekeepers looked at the Minister of POT, and the Minister of POT looked at the Peacekeepers.
“He told me that the tourist was hatching an international conspiracy using NGO money!” she said.

The Minister of POT looked at the Peacekeepers, and the Peacekeepers looked at the Minister of POT.
“He told me the tourist was planning on bringing disrepute on the government of Idiot Island!” she said.

At a signal from the Minister of POT, the Peacekeepers leapt from their chairs and seized the wife. She put up a terrific struggle, but they finally got her under control, just as the husband came back from the chicken coop.

“Did you tell your wife you saw a tourist in the chicken coop?” asked the Minister of POT.
“Of course not,” said the husband. “Tourism has been completely defeated and there are no longer any tourists on Idiot Island...not even the ones who went around waving white thermos flasks!”

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” said the Minister of POT. “Take her away. I’m sorry sir, but your wife is a threat to national security!”
So they took her away, cursing and screaming and locked her up in a navy camp under the ‘Prevention of Terrorism Act.’

And so the husband lived happily ever after.

The Moral of the story:
Don’t count your international conspiracies before they are hatched.

February 3, 2010

2010 Rigged Presidential Election Results of Sri Lanka

If the Rogerproxys’ ruled the world…?

…Planet Earth would be named Planet Rogerproxy.

…Planet Rogerproxy would be ruled by the qudrumvirate of brothers.

…Supreme Leader IdiMihin Rogerproxy would rule Asia and the Pacific Islands, including Australia and New Zealand…Tenperzent Rogerproxy would rule Europe…Eldabrada Rogerproxy would rule Africa and the Muddled East and Attilla da Goatproxy would rule North and South America.

…Every household on Planet Rogerproxy would be required to hang a picture of the Rogerproxy Brothers in their homes.

…There would no longer be Americans, Indians, British, French, Germans etc. There would only be Rogerproxyans.

…Henceforth there would only be one religion which would be called Rogerproxyism.

…All Rogerproxyans living on Planet Rogerproxy would have to chant “IdidMihin Rogerproxy is the one GOD, and Attilla da Goatproxy is his brother!” five times a day, 365 days a year.

…There would be motivational hoardings put up all around Planet Rogerproxy with messages like, “Big Brothers’ are Watching You,” “Long Live the One Family Dictatorship,” “War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength,” etc…

…There would be one world currency called the Rogerproxy Rupee.

…There would be only 2 newspapers printed Worldwide called the ‘Sunday Rogerproxy’ and the ‘Daily Rogerproxy.’

…There would be only one TV channel called the ‘Independent Rogerproxy Network’ and one radio channel called ‘The Rogerproxy Broadcasting Corporation.’

…There would be only one search engine for the worldwide web called,

…Famous place names, buildings, landmarks etc like the Eiffel Tower, Sydney Opera House, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Niagara Falls, Taj Mahal, Mount Everest, Buckingham Palace and The Great Wall of China would become,,,
… Rogerproxy Tower, Rogerproxy Opera House, Leaning Tower of Rogerproxy, Rogerproxy Falls, Rogerproxy Mahal, Mount Rogerproxy, Rogerproxy Palace and The Great Wall of Rogerproxy.

…Names of famous people past and present would have to include the Rogerproxy name, for example: Einstein Rogerproxy, Napoleon Rogerproxy, Hitler Rogerproxy, Ceasar Rogerproxy, Castro Rogerproxy, Che Guevara Rogerproxy, Queen Elizabeth Rogerproxy, Lady Diana Rogerproxy, Prince Charles Rogerproxy, Mother Theresa Rogerproxy, Pope Benedict Rogerproxy, Obama Rogerproxy, Sadam Rogerproxy, Osama Bin Rogerproxy, Lenin Rogerproxy, Marx Rogerproxy, Nelson Mandela Rogerproxy and Gandhi Rogerproxy to name just a few.

…Famous books would have their titles changed, for example:
The Brothers Rogerproxy by Fyodor Dostoyevsky Rogerproxy
Lady Rogerproxy’s Lover by D.H.Lawrence Rogerproxy
The Four Rogerproxys by Alexander Dumas Rogerproxy
On the Road with Rogerproxy by Jack Kerouac Rogerproxy
King Rogerproxy and the Knights of the Round Table by Rogerproxy Rogerproxy (an autobiography)
Moby Dick Rogerproxy by Herman Melville Rogerproxy
Robinson Crusoe Rogerproxy by Daniel Defoe Rogerproxy
Swiss Family Rogerproxy by Johann Rogerproxy Wyss
Adventures of Tom Sawyer Rogerproxy by Mark Twain Rogerproxy
Romeo and Juliet Rogerproxy by William Shakespeare Rogerproxy
The Emperor Rogerproxy’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Andersan Rogerproxy
The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam Rogerproxy by Edward Fitzgerald Rogerproxy
Aesop Rogerproxy’s Fables by V.S. Vernon Jones Rogerproxy
The Grapes of Rogerproxy’s Wrath by John Steinbeck Rogerproxy
To name but a few.

…Famous movie stars would change their names to Aishwariya Rogerproxy, Sharuk Rogerproxy, Salman Rogerproxy, Amitab Bachan Rogerproxy, Kajol Rogerproxy, Madhuri Dixit Rogerproxy, Sanjay Dutt Rogerproxy, Angelina Jollie Rogerproxy, Jessica Alba Rogerproxy, Vin Diesel Rogerproxy, Tom Cruise Rogerproxy, John Abraham Rogerproxy and Preety Zinta Rogerproxy.

…Niccolo Machiavelli Rogerproxy’s famous book “The Prince” would be renamed “The Wannabe King” (aka The Caretaker), and Sun Tzu Rogerproxy’s book, “The Art of War” would be renamed “The Art of Humanitarian Operations.”
Leo Tolstoy Rogerproxy’s “War and Peace” would be renamed “Humanitarian Operations and Peace.”

…Henceforth the 1st and 2nd World Wars would be known as “1st World Hymanitarian Operation” and the “2nd World Humanitarian Operation.”
We would then have “The Japaneese Humanitarian Operation of Pearl Harbour,” and “The Dropping of Humanitarian Fireworks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki by the Americans.”

…When asked by someone, “Who came first…the chicken the egg or the Rogerproxys’?” The correct answer would be, “The Rogerproxys.” Those who get the answer wrong would have to spend six months in a “Welfare Humanitarian Holiday Camp.”

…The United Nations would change it’s name to “The Rogerproxy Nations,” after which there would be only 2 kinds of nations; nations that love the Rogerproxys’ and nations that do not love the Rogerproxys.’

…Nations that love the Rogerproxys’ will be known as ‘Patriot Nations’ and nations that do not love them will be known as ‘International Conspiracy Nations.’

…All roads that used to lead to Rome, will now lead to Humbugthotta.

…The Rogerproxy Nations Secretary General would change his name from Ban Ki Moon to Ban Ki Rogerproxy.

…WHO and WFO would change their names to the “Rogerproxy Health Organisation” and the “Rogerproxy Food Programme.”
…World history would be rewritten: Homo Sapiens would become Homo Rogerproxyans.

…Alexander the Great would become Rogerproxy the Great.

…The barbarian hordes who overran the Roman Empire would be known as the RogerGothproxyans, RogerVandalproxyans, RogerFrankproxyans, RogerSaxonproxyans and the RogerHunproxyans.

…In time to come, The Rogerproxys’ would become living GODS eating and drinking only special food like ambrosia and nectar meant for the Gods, and all Rogerproxyans from around Planet Rogerproxy would make a yearly pilgrimage to worship and seek blessings from the Rogerproxys.

…for the time being, I need to take a break as I need to puke. I will be back soon…until then, may the blessings of the Rogerproxys’ be with you all. Jaya Hooo!

His Hex-A-Lunacy,
Presi-Dunce Bean.
Pres-Dunce of Idiot Island.