September 19, 2010

Come to Malboro Country - The Land of Zero Casualties

The Idiot Island Children’s Book Of Parleymutting

Lesson 1
See the funny man.
His job is ‘Parleymutting.’
He is called a ‘Parleymutt.’
See the funny white outfit he is wearing.
It is called the ‘Fool the Idiots Outfit.’
See his funny moustache and the funny purple towel around his neck.
Hear his funny stomach churn.
Churn, churn, churn.
The funny Parleymutt has a funny ulcer.
Most funny Parleymutts have funny ulcers.
But some funny Parleymutts are lucky.
They do not have funny ulcers.
They have funny high blood pressure.

Lesson 2
See the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
The funny Parleymutt is lying to the funny tax paying idiots.
All funny Parleymutts lie to the funny tax paying idiots.
He is telling them to tighten their belts.
Tighten. Tighten. Tighten.
After his speech, the funny Parleymutt will give the funny tax paying idiots breakfast.
‘Koorakong Bread’ and ‘Colour Canda.’
Yum! Yum! Yum!

Lesson 3
See the pretty lake.
It is called the ‘Doyouwanna Lake.’
See the funny Parleymutts building in the middle of the pretty lake.
All the funny Parleymutts work there.
They say “Long Live The Gang Of Four!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
They say, “We will safeguard Democrazy!”
The bald Parleymutts with orange bed sheets wrapped around them say,
“We want a Dharmacrazy!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Don’t you wish YOU could speak like these funny Parleymutts?
You can.
You are almost seven now!

Lesson 4
See the funny Parleymutts building.
225 funny Parleymutts work there.
Let us count the 225 funny Parleymutts.
Count! Count! Count!
Hmmm! 200 funny Parleymutts are missing.
Naughty! Naughty! Naughty!
Where are the 200 funny Parleymutts now?
Holidaying in LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk.
Isn’t Parleymutting fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!
The funny tax paying idiots must have lost another billion or two of their tax money.

Lesson 5
See the funny man in glasses with the silly grin on his face.
He is the brother of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
He has made 132 people vanish today, by courtesy of WUFOs.
And it isn’t even lunchtime yet!
Vanish! Vanish! Vanish!
See the other two funny men standing next to him.
They will not be made to vanish today.
They are funny Parleymutts too.
They are the funny Parleymutt brothers of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
How lucky the funny tax paying people are.
Lucky! Lucky! Lucky!
Vote for one, and get ‘4 for the price of 1.’

Lesson 6
See the funny Parleymutt with the hair gel, beard and 2 mobile phones.
The funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck loves and trusts him.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Trust! Trust! Trust!
This funny Parleymutt does the marketing and he also washes the clothes of
the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck.
Marketing! Marketing! Marketing!
Wash! Wash! Wash!
Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
Parleymutting is hard work.
The funny tax paying people should be grateful for funny hard working Parleymutts like him.

Lesson 7
See the funny ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Funny Parleymutts have 1 or 2 funny ‘Cupboard Meetings’ a month.
But none on full moon days.
(Full moon days are reserved for catching ‘Permanent Rehabilitators of Cattle’
and ‘Liquor Salesman’).
They discuss everything at ‘Cupboard Meetings.’
At this ‘Cupboard Meeting’ they are discussing the drop in oil prices.
The funny tax paying idiots are still paying the old price for a litre of petrol.
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!
Soon the funny Parleymutts will make a BIG decision.
But not at this ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Maybe at the next ‘Cupboard Meeting’ that will be held in one month’s time.

Lesson 8
See the funny short Parleymutt Docter with the dark glasses.
He likes to re-arrange up T.V. Stations and steal cameras.
He studied only up to the 8th grade.
He can barely write his name.
But this is enough qualifications to become a funny Parleymutt on Idiot Island.
“Funny Parleymutt, why do you steal cameras and temporarily rehabilitate
jolly cameramen from private T.V. Stations?”
“Because they do not give happy endings to stories about me!”
“I like happy endings!”
Someday a jolly cameraman will hit him with a jolly camera, right on his jolly nut!
What a happy ending THAT will be!
Happy! Happy! Happy!

Lesson 9
Listen to the funny Peacekeeping Comedian talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Lie! Lie! Lie!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
“Is it true that 25,000 tourists were permanently rehabilitated and not a single
humanitarian peacekeeper was either permanently or partly rehabilitated?”
Of course! Of course! Of course!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
Grow! Grow! Grow!
“Funny Peacekeeping Comedian, when will the war end?”
There is no war, only a ‘Humanitarian Crusade!’
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Grow! Grow! Grow!
How nice it would be if the funny Peacekeeping Comedian’s
BRAIN would grow instead of his nose!

Lesson 10
See the funny tax-paying idiot.
He is the 8th wonder of the world.
He has a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He believes everything the funny Parleymutts tell him.
The funny Parleymutts T.V. channels and newspapers tell him what he likes to hear.
He believes he lives in the greatest country on Planet Mirth.
He believes he has the greatest culture and the best economy on Planet Mirth.
He believes that women from LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk,
will one-day work as housemaids in his country.
He also believes that pigs can fly and hell will one-day freeze over.
If this continues, the funny tax-paying idiot will become even more amazing.
He will no longer have a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He will have a 40-year-old body and a FIVE-year-old mind.

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