May 28, 2011

Sir NUT Jew Sorrya Plans Comeback After 25 Years In Retirement

Former Sri RajaPakistan captain and pinch hitter Sir NUT Jew Sorrya says he wants to return to first-class crooked, 25 years after his forced retirement. The 75-year-old, who was forced to retire through an act of ParleyMutts (118th Amendment to the Constipation) from crooked in 2020, will play club crooked with the aim of earning a recall to the Hum Bug Thotta team.

Sir NUT is 1534 runs short of 300,000 first-class runs and said that has played a part in his planned return.

“I thought that is an amazing EverestPidurutalagala for me to climb,” said Sir NUT, who played 822 Tests for Sri RajaPakistan.

Sir NUT, who revealed his desire to return on Kaak Kaak (A subsidiary of Twitter), said the desire to earn oodles and oodles of money gave him the urge to play crooked again, especially after receiving a text from a bookie revealing how close he was to the 300,000-run mark.

“In what is probably a bit of a geriatric crisis I have come up with a solution – I will speak to the PresiDunce and urge him to order the selectors to pick me in the team,” said Sir NUT, who will play for the Hum Bug Thotta - based One Family Crooked Club on his comeback trail.

Sir NUT sits second in Sri RajaPakistan’s all-time leading Test run scorers with 300,000 first-class runs with a highest score of 899 and a healthy average of 102.36 (statistics courtesy of the Central Bank of Sri Rajapakistan). The highest run scorer is (no prizes for guessing) PresiDunce Normal RogerProxy with 700,000 runs, at an average of 600.35. Once again, (statistics courtesy of the Central Bank of Sri Rajapakistan).

After 645 first-class games for Hum Bug Thottas, One Family Crooked Club, a persistent brain tumor forced him to retire from the game before undertaking a career as a ParleyMutt.
But Sir NUT believes his head can withstand the rigors of four days in the field.

“The head is pretty good, they took out the brain and replaced it with a monkey brain,” he added. Sir NUT – who turns 76 on 22 September, before the start of the Hum Bug Thotta Silly Lunket Shield competition – remains realistic about returning to first-class crooked. Hum Bug Thotta crooked chief executive DunceRaja Proxy has not totally dismissed the notion.

“For him to break into that would be a huge challenge, an almost impossible challenge for a 76-year-old, but for Sir NUT and bearing in mind that he is a sycophant of PresiDunce Normal RogerProxy, who knows? Anything is possible in the land of Sri RajaPakistan if you have the blessings of the One Family Dictatorship!” he said.

May 18, 2011

Sri Rajapakistan launches own T56 league

Sri Rajapakistan’s crooked board on Thursday announced its own glitzy T56 tournament, seeking to emulate the success of the hugely popular Indian Premier League.

The first edition of the Sri Rajapakistan Premier League (SRPL) will be played over 365 days from July 19th 2011 to July 19th 2012 and will feature teams from the island’s seven provinces and big international stars, according to a statement.

“T56’s massive popularity and status as the most exciting and entertaining format of crooked will be further enhanced by this newest tournament to the world of crooked,” read a Sri Rajapakistan Crooked statement.

While SRC kept mum (pronounced dumb) on the infamous despots likely to take part, local bought - and - paid - for - media named the likes of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad , Muhammad al-Gaddafi, Robert Mugabe, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-Il, Hu Jintao and Omar al-Bashir.

The teams will play each other 25 times, with the top four qualifying for the sham-finals. The winner of the tournament will be decided through a “Computer Jilmart,” and will automatically qualify for the Chumps League Twenty20, which is jointly promoted by the boards of India and South Africa.

All the SRPL games will be day-night encounters and played at Hum Bug Thotta’s Sri Rajapakistan Stadium. Each squad can have a maximum of five tin-pot dictators or despots but the starting XI can have only four of them.

However, in contrast to IPL’s high-profile auctions for players, the tin-pot dictators and despots will be assigned to hunter-killer teams by the Sri Rajapakistan One Family Dictatorship Selection Committee.

The seven teams are Basnahira Boothayaas, Kandurata Kabaragoyas, Nagenahira Nazaraaniyaas, Ruhuna Rajapakayas, Uthura Oooroomeeyaas, Uva Umbalakadayaas and Wayamba White Vans.

The league will be run by the Libyan-based Dumbugga Entertainment, who have bought the rights for 2500 years. The global television rights for the 365 matches have already been sold.

The SRPL could come as a particular blessing for Talaiban and Al Qaeda players. They have been ignored by the money-spinning IPL since the inaugural edition in 2008.

May 2, 2011

The Royal Wedding of Prince Namal Jilmart and Anarkali Middleton of Sri RajaPakistan

Prince Namal Jilmart and Anarkali Middleton were pronounced boy and wife at Hum-Bug-Thotta Abbey on Friday afternoon. With 1 million family members, hangers-on, sycophants and assorted henchmen packed into Hum-Bug-Thotta Abbey, an estimated 10 million lining the streets of Hum-Bug-Thotta and with millions more watching on television, the eyes of the universe were on the couple as they exchanged their vows. Prince Namal Jilmart will take up the title Duke of Hum-Bug-Thotta and Anarkali Middleton will become Her Pea-Brained Highness the Duchess of Hum-Bug-Thotta.

There was a plethora of famous names who witnessed the wedding, from the Supreme Leader of the Klinglon Empire, Captain Kirk of the Star Ship Enterprise to former England football captain David Beckham and his Klinglon born wife Victoria Beckham. Prince Namal Jilmart chose to wear a military uniform in place of the usual “kapati kit” to the wedding and Miss Anarkali Middleton managed the unenviable task of keeping her wedding dress a secret. She wore an ivory and poplin gown designed by the House of Fashion.

Around 1 million family members, hangers-on, sycophants and assorted henchmen were invited back to the Hotel de Temple Palace for a buffet lunch and then 300 plus close family members were invited for the black tie dinner consisting of kurakan and kola kenda. There were fears that the event could be marred by international conspiracies to tarnish the image of the country. However the predicted international conspiracies never materialised. Thousands of party supporters were given a bath packet, a soft drink bottle and 500 rupees and made to line the streets to cheer the newlywed couple.

The happy couple will honeymoon in Burma and spend 2 weeks in Libya at the invitation of Colonel Gaddafi. The couple told the Daily Noise in an exclusive interview that, “The affection shown to us by so many idiots around the universe during our engagement has been incredibly moving and has touched us both deeply.”