February 22, 2010

Why not to vote!

You're only one in a million, so why bother to vote, to speak up, to get involved, to commit yourself? German author Hans Habe answers this way: "The world is one percent good, one percent bad, and 98 percent neutral, and this is why what individuals do is important.

In the case of Sri Lanka, there is a 69 percent vocal majority and a 31 percent powerless minority. And a situation where the President is elected only from the 69 percent vocal majority, and never from the 31 percent powerless minority!
Now the 64 million dollar question is, WHY VOTE when the henchmen and henchwomen of the Royal Family eventually SELECTS who WINS and who LOSES…and by how much they win by at the counting centres.

The only way forward is for this country to be once again administered by Britain or some other 1st world country. Until then, Sri Lanka will meander along as a 'Can't be developed country,' ruled by an oriental despot and his Royal Family of 300+.

Jathika Hela Urumaya Sex Laws

Here are some repressive laws designed to regulate private sexual conduct in Sri Lanka. These laws will come into effect the day the "Jathika Hela Urumaya" comes to power and Sri Lanka is turned into a "Dharma Raajya."

1) Couples found kissing under an umbrella will have their umbrella confiscated and their lips sealed with super glue for not less than a period of six months.

2) Perversion will be defined by law as any sexual act that requires enough energy to regenerate a self-winding wrist watch.

3) Any individual who has been convicted of bestiality or sodomy will be required by law to wear a dog collar while mixing in public.

4) It will be considered a felony with a five year jail term for exhibiting a vasectomy scar to any female other than your wife.

5) Any sexual act that "burns ones eyebrows or pubic hair, leaves the tip of one's nose bruised or results in bite marks to any part of one's anatomy will be considered a criminal offence.

6) A minimum of eight years rigorous imprisonment will be the punishment for any man convicted of weighing his genitals in mixed company.

7) A fine of Rupees 5000/- will be prescribed for anyone who tosses confetti in the air while reaching a sexual climax.

8) A gynaecologist's hands will be considered deadly weapons and will have to be registered like firearms with the police department.

9) Ten years imprisonment will be the punishment for anyone engaged in the manufacture, sale, distribution or use of contraceptives and aphrodisiacs.

10) Any orgasm that registers on a Richter scale will be considered a crime against nature and will be punishable by not more than six months of solitary confinement.

11) It will be unlawful to wear a purple shirt, a pink trouser and white shoes while seducing a fashion designers daughter.

12) Teenagers will be required to sleep with both hands cuffed to the bed posts until they reach marriageable age.

13) An unmarried man who is found performing oral sex in a shopping cart in any 'Sathosa' supermarket automatically becomes ineligible for food stamps.

14) It will be against the law for an unmarried woman to own, manage or work in a sperm bank.

15) Any woman who arouses herself with a vegetable or any foreign object will be hanged.

16) Any soldier who dies while having intercourse with a prostitute will not be buried in a military cemetery with full military honours.

17) The death penalty will be invoked on anyone who inflates a condom at a children's birthday party.

18) Any intercourse that doesn't result in pregnancy will be deemed unlawful.

19) Anyone convicted of having sexual relations with the dead will not be legally permitted to celebrate Halloween.

20) The removal of the price tag from a water bed will be considered a misdemeanour. The act automatically becomes a felony if one happens to be having intercourse on the water bed at that time.

The Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean Prayer

Our Presi-Dunce who art in Hotel de Temple Palace,

Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean be thy name,

Thy KingDumb come, thy election will be won,

And thy Royal Family of 300+ will be in 7th Heaven.

Give us this day a packet of rice, and a 500 rupee bribe,

And urge us to vote for you, as we voted for you in 2005.

And lead us not into inflation, but deliver us from international conspiracies,

For thine is the army, navy, air force and police,

And the judges and the jury,

And the power and the glory,

Forever and ever,

Amen and Jaya HOO!

February 19, 2010

My Name is NOT Khan…

… It's Percy 'Jilmart' Bean! Presi-Dunce of "The DemoCrazy, TheoCrazy, International Conspiracy of Idiot Island!

Idiot Islanders Rejoice! You may have lost the GSP+...but you have gained ME and my Royal Family of 300+...

That Japang dude Sushi Yakashi once asked me, how often I had elections…and I replied to him that I have an election every time I see that Hinacurly girl!

The Shyneese Premier dude once asked me how many erections I have had since I was erected Presi-Dunce…and I told him to go ask the erections commissioner! Duh!

While having rice and curry with ME and my Royal Family of 300+…the Titalian Premier told me he wanna fork! I told him you no fork in front of my Royal Family of 300+ ! But he tell me he wanna fork on the table! I tell him, you no fork on the table you sonama beach! And he tell me, then at least give him a spoon. So I say, “Waiter! Give this man a spoon!” And he eat his rice and curry with the spoon; and he no longer wanna fork on the table. Bloody Titalians!

My 3 sons Ipang, Opang and Japang once asked me if all Fairy Tales began with ‘Once Upon A Time?’ And I said Nooo… some Fairy Tales begin with, When I Become Presi-Dunce…

When I’m at home, everyone kisses my butt…and when I’m abroad, I kiss everyone’s butt! I recently kissed Moda Dave and Putting’s butts when I went to Rooseeyar. I once even kissed the tarmac in the airport! Of all the butts I’ve kissed, the butt of Kernal GodayaFree of Labia, smelt the nicest!

Peepal’s who don’t love the country, call me by many names like Idi Amin Bean, Adolf Bean, Mugabe Bean and Pol Pot Bean. My reply to these peepal’s is the same as what my good friend Willyman Shake His Spear used to say… “A ruse by any other name, would still smell fishy like a computer ‘jilmart’ election fraud!”

Some Shynees dude said, many years ago, if you want to be remembered beyond your time…you must plant a tree, bear a son and write a book . Well I, Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean have uprooted thousands of trees to build an airport that nobody needs. I have 3 sons called Ipang, Opang and Japang who are 3 chips of the old block. And I have written 2 bestsellers called “My Name is NOT Khan” and “My Name Is Percy 'Jilmart' Bean!” I guess 2 out of 3 isn’t that bad eh? Without a doubt, the Percy 'Jilmart' Bean Reich will last a thousand years, and the name Percy 'Jilmart' Bean will last a thousand more! JAYA HOO!

The tourist in the chicken coop

Once upon a time, on a sunny morning on Idiot Island, a man looked out of the window and saw a tourist inside his chicken coop. So the man went to the bedroom where his wife was still asleep and woke her.

“There is a tourist in the chicken coop,” he said, “and I think he is hatching an international conspiracy!”

His wife opened one angry eye and looked at him.
“Tourism has been completely defeated,” she said. “There are no longer any tourists on Idiot Island...not even the ones who went around waving white thermos flasks!”

So the man walked out slowly into the garden and went towards the chicken coop. The tourist was still there.

“Are you a tourist or a state tourist? The man asked. “I’m a tourist, and I’m hatching an international conspiracy using NGO money to bring the government of Idiot Island into disrepute!” the tourist replied.

So the man walked back into the house and roused his wife again. “The tourist is hatching an international conspiracy using NGO money to bring the government of Idiot Island into disrepute!” he said.

His wife sat up in bed and looked at him coldly.
“You are an unpatriotic idiot who doesn’t love his country,” she said, “and I’m going to have you arrested under the Prevention of Tourism Act!”

The man who was a patriot, who didn’t boast about it to anyone, thought for a moment. “We shall see about that,” he said. Then he walked back towards the chicken coop to watch the tourist. But the tourist had vanished! Maybe a ‘White Unidentified Four-wheeled Object’ (WUFO) had made him vanish thought the man.

The wife got up and dressed as fast as she could. She was very excited, thinking about the reward she would get for capturing a traitor. So she hung the national flag from the window and telephoned the Peacekeepers and the Minister for the Prevention Of Tourism, (POT) and told them to hurry to her house as soon as possible!

When the Peacekeepers and the Minister of POT arrived, they sat down and looked at her with great interest.
“My husband,” she said, “saw a tourist inside a chicken coop this morning!”

The Peacekeepers looked at the Minister of POT, and the Minister of POT looked at the Peacekeepers.
“He told me that the tourist was hatching an international conspiracy using NGO money!” she said.

The Minister of POT looked at the Peacekeepers, and the Peacekeepers looked at the Minister of POT.
“He told me the tourist was planning on bringing disrepute on the government of Idiot Island!” she said.

At a signal from the Minister of POT, the Peacekeepers leapt from their chairs and seized the wife. She put up a terrific struggle, but they finally got her under control, just as the husband came back from the chicken coop.

“Did you tell your wife you saw a tourist in the chicken coop?” asked the Minister of POT.
“Of course not,” said the husband. “Tourism has been completely defeated and there are no longer any tourists on Idiot Island...not even the ones who went around waving white thermos flasks!”

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” said the Minister of POT. “Take her away. I’m sorry sir, but your wife is a threat to national security!”
So they took her away, cursing and screaming and locked her up in a navy camp under the ‘Prevention of Terrorism Act.’

And so the husband lived happily ever after.

The Moral of the story:
Don’t count your international conspiracies before they are hatched.

February 3, 2010

2010 Rigged Presidential Election Results of Sri Lanka

If the Rogerproxys’ ruled the world…?

…Planet Earth would be named Planet Rogerproxy.

…Planet Rogerproxy would be ruled by the qudrumvirate of brothers.

…Supreme Leader IdiMihin Rogerproxy would rule Asia and the Pacific Islands, including Australia and New Zealand…Tenperzent Rogerproxy would rule Europe…Eldabrada Rogerproxy would rule Africa and the Muddled East and Attilla da Goatproxy would rule North and South America.

…Every household on Planet Rogerproxy would be required to hang a picture of the Rogerproxy Brothers in their homes.

…There would no longer be Americans, Indians, British, French, Germans etc. There would only be Rogerproxyans.

…Henceforth there would only be one religion which would be called Rogerproxyism.

…All Rogerproxyans living on Planet Rogerproxy would have to chant “IdidMihin Rogerproxy is the one GOD, and Attilla da Goatproxy is his brother!” five times a day, 365 days a year.

…There would be motivational hoardings put up all around Planet Rogerproxy with messages like, “Big Brothers’ are Watching You,” “Long Live the One Family Dictatorship,” “War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength,” etc…

…There would be one world currency called the Rogerproxy Rupee.

…There would be only 2 newspapers printed Worldwide called the ‘Sunday Rogerproxy’ and the ‘Daily Rogerproxy.’

…There would be only one TV channel called the ‘Independent Rogerproxy Network’ and one radio channel called ‘The Rogerproxy Broadcasting Corporation.’

…There would be only one search engine for the worldwide web called,

…Famous place names, buildings, landmarks etc like the Eiffel Tower, Sydney Opera House, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Niagara Falls, Taj Mahal, Mount Everest, Buckingham Palace and The Great Wall of China would become,,,
… Rogerproxy Tower, Rogerproxy Opera House, Leaning Tower of Rogerproxy, Rogerproxy Falls, Rogerproxy Mahal, Mount Rogerproxy, Rogerproxy Palace and The Great Wall of Rogerproxy.

…Names of famous people past and present would have to include the Rogerproxy name, for example: Einstein Rogerproxy, Napoleon Rogerproxy, Hitler Rogerproxy, Ceasar Rogerproxy, Castro Rogerproxy, Che Guevara Rogerproxy, Queen Elizabeth Rogerproxy, Lady Diana Rogerproxy, Prince Charles Rogerproxy, Mother Theresa Rogerproxy, Pope Benedict Rogerproxy, Obama Rogerproxy, Sadam Rogerproxy, Osama Bin Rogerproxy, Lenin Rogerproxy, Marx Rogerproxy, Nelson Mandela Rogerproxy and Gandhi Rogerproxy to name just a few.

…Famous books would have their titles changed, for example:
The Brothers Rogerproxy by Fyodor Dostoyevsky Rogerproxy
Lady Rogerproxy’s Lover by D.H.Lawrence Rogerproxy
The Four Rogerproxys by Alexander Dumas Rogerproxy
On the Road with Rogerproxy by Jack Kerouac Rogerproxy
King Rogerproxy and the Knights of the Round Table by Rogerproxy Rogerproxy (an autobiography)
Moby Dick Rogerproxy by Herman Melville Rogerproxy
Robinson Crusoe Rogerproxy by Daniel Defoe Rogerproxy
Swiss Family Rogerproxy by Johann Rogerproxy Wyss
Adventures of Tom Sawyer Rogerproxy by Mark Twain Rogerproxy
Romeo and Juliet Rogerproxy by William Shakespeare Rogerproxy
The Emperor Rogerproxy’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Andersan Rogerproxy
The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam Rogerproxy by Edward Fitzgerald Rogerproxy
Aesop Rogerproxy’s Fables by V.S. Vernon Jones Rogerproxy
The Grapes of Rogerproxy’s Wrath by John Steinbeck Rogerproxy
To name but a few.

…Famous movie stars would change their names to Aishwariya Rogerproxy, Sharuk Rogerproxy, Salman Rogerproxy, Amitab Bachan Rogerproxy, Kajol Rogerproxy, Madhuri Dixit Rogerproxy, Sanjay Dutt Rogerproxy, Angelina Jollie Rogerproxy, Jessica Alba Rogerproxy, Vin Diesel Rogerproxy, Tom Cruise Rogerproxy, John Abraham Rogerproxy and Preety Zinta Rogerproxy.

…Niccolo Machiavelli Rogerproxy’s famous book “The Prince” would be renamed “The Wannabe King” (aka The Caretaker), and Sun Tzu Rogerproxy’s book, “The Art of War” would be renamed “The Art of Humanitarian Operations.”
Leo Tolstoy Rogerproxy’s “War and Peace” would be renamed “Humanitarian Operations and Peace.”

…Henceforth the 1st and 2nd World Wars would be known as “1st World Hymanitarian Operation” and the “2nd World Humanitarian Operation.”
We would then have “The Japaneese Humanitarian Operation of Pearl Harbour,” and “The Dropping of Humanitarian Fireworks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki by the Americans.”

…When asked by someone, “Who came first…the chicken the egg or the Rogerproxys’?” The correct answer would be, “The Rogerproxys.” Those who get the answer wrong would have to spend six months in a “Welfare Humanitarian Holiday Camp.”

…The United Nations would change it’s name to “The Rogerproxy Nations,” after which there would be only 2 kinds of nations; nations that love the Rogerproxys’ and nations that do not love the Rogerproxys.’

…Nations that love the Rogerproxys’ will be known as ‘Patriot Nations’ and nations that do not love them will be known as ‘International Conspiracy Nations.’

…All roads that used to lead to Rome, will now lead to Humbugthotta.

…The Rogerproxy Nations Secretary General would change his name from Ban Ki Moon to Ban Ki Rogerproxy.

…WHO and WFO would change their names to the “Rogerproxy Health Organisation” and the “Rogerproxy Food Programme.”
…World history would be rewritten: Homo Sapiens would become Homo Rogerproxyans.

…Alexander the Great would become Rogerproxy the Great.

…The barbarian hordes who overran the Roman Empire would be known as the RogerGothproxyans, RogerVandalproxyans, RogerFrankproxyans, RogerSaxonproxyans and the RogerHunproxyans.

…In time to come, The Rogerproxys’ would become living GODS eating and drinking only special food like ambrosia and nectar meant for the Gods, and all Rogerproxyans from around Planet Rogerproxy would make a yearly pilgrimage to worship and seek blessings from the Rogerproxys.

…for the time being, I need to take a break as I need to puke. I will be back soon…until then, may the blessings of the Rogerproxys’ be with you all. Jaya Hooo!

His Hex-A-Lunacy,
Presi-Dunce Bean.
Pres-Dunce of Idiot Island.