February 22, 2010
Jathika Hela Urumaya Sex Laws
Here are some repressive laws designed to regulate private sexual conduct in Sri Lanka. These laws will come into effect the day the "Jathika Hela Urumaya" comes to power and Sri Lanka is turned into a "Dharma Raajya."
1) Couples found kissing under an umbrella will have their umbrella confiscated and their lips sealed with super glue for not less than a period of six months.
2) Perversion will be defined by law as any sexual act that requires enough energy to regenerate a self-winding wrist watch.
3) Any individual who has been convicted of bestiality or sodomy will be required by law to wear a dog collar while mixing in public.
4) It will be considered a felony with a five year jail term for exhibiting a vasectomy scar to any female other than your wife.
5) Any sexual act that "burns ones eyebrows or pubic hair, leaves the tip of one's nose bruised or results in bite marks to any part of one's anatomy will be considered a criminal offence.
6) A minimum of eight years rigorous imprisonment will be the punishment for any man convicted of weighing his genitals in mixed company.
7) A fine of Rupees 5000/- will be prescribed for anyone who tosses confetti in the air while reaching a sexual climax.
8) A gynaecologist's hands will be considered deadly weapons and will have to be registered like firearms with the police department.
9) Ten years imprisonment will be the punishment for anyone engaged in the manufacture, sale, distribution or use of contraceptives and aphrodisiacs.
10) Any orgasm that registers on a Richter scale will be considered a crime against nature and will be punishable by not more than six months of solitary confinement.
11) It will be unlawful to wear a purple shirt, a pink trouser and white shoes while seducing a fashion designers daughter.
12) Teenagers will be required to sleep with both hands cuffed to the bed posts until they reach marriageable age.
13) An unmarried man who is found performing oral sex in a shopping cart in any 'Sathosa' supermarket automatically becomes ineligible for food stamps.
14) It will be against the law for an unmarried woman to own, manage or work in a sperm bank.
15) Any woman who arouses herself with a vegetable or any foreign object will be hanged.
16) Any soldier who dies while having intercourse with a prostitute will not be buried in a military cemetery with full military honours.
17) The death penalty will be invoked on anyone who inflates a condom at a children's birthday party.
18) Any intercourse that doesn't result in pregnancy will be deemed unlawful.
19) Anyone convicted of having sexual relations with the dead will not be legally permitted to celebrate Halloween.
20) The removal of the price tag from a water bed will be considered a misdemeanour. The act automatically becomes a felony if one happens to be having intercourse on the water bed at that time.