April 27, 2009

Walcum Yoo Toe Idiot Island

From time in memorial, Idiot Island has been a popular holiday resort for thousands of mirthlings from countries like Amerrybum, Asstrailerhaa, Titaly, Joypang, Carryaar, Spawn, Noisy Land, Kanna Daa, Jemini, Fonz etc. An economic down turn that over took Planet Mirth in 2010 AD, has affected many on Idiot Island. The worst affected were the rural Idiot Islanders who decided to turn their houses and ancestral homes into ‘guest houses’ and ‘hotels’ to make ends meet. Reproduced below are four emails, sent to prospective holiday makers, informing them of the facilities they could expect when they arrive on Idiot Island: A land like no other!

Honoured Sir,
I am amazed by your entreaty for a room. I am happy to inform you I have two rooms with a vulgar balcony and excommunicating doors. I can also offer you for your convenience, attached litter rooms with scalding aqueducts.
For the youthful persons there are alluring ways, wild lifes, song and dunces, rustic revelries and very good hospital only 50 miles away. My charges are soo changeable to be all you can afford. If I am dear to you or your mistress, she could perhaps be reduced. I shall myself be strenuous for you, and my wife will mimic me. As for cuisine, my wife is an unapproachable tyrant of the kitchen. A satisfied guest wrote: “I will never to visit other stranger cuntrysides.” Come here soon and you can rest in peace.

Waiting attentively for you,
Rintin Da Elvis.
(Chief Execution Officer)

My Dear Sir,
I am very pleasing to retort to your asking for my hotel. I am happy that I am empty in the upstairs compartment from 23st of November to 5st December. You will be agreeable that in view of the services my figure is highly modest. There is hot and cold waters running on every floors. If you are wishing a female personage to render you services, we can provide one. Guarantee you money back she render you jolly good. Also boyish male personages we can provide you. Sorrowfully I cannot abide your canine companion, but my mother in law who live opposite house can put up with it.
If you will come here you will certainly be arrested by the local beauties. Me my wife and I will always be at attention. We will make your duration soo dear as possible.

Truly Faithfully,
Millyman Morrowgood,
(Managing Dictator)

Dear Sir or Madam,
Having freshly taken over the property of this notorious house, I am wishful that you bring your bag and baggage to my esteemed establishment. Standing amongst savage scenery with flaunting butterflies and songing birds the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French window in every bedroom affording delightful prospects! I give personal look to interior wants of each guest. Here we make sure shall be well
fedup and agreeably drunk. No drunking on full moon day because police catch all drunkers. Having once sampled our local fooding, you will surely wish to enlarge your stays.
We have numerous bedrooms with beds and full drainage. Our charges for weakly visitors are scarcely understandable! We also make peculiar arrangements for gross parties! Our motto is ever “Serve You Right!” Coming soon before bedrooms full up!

Watching and waiting,
Cunred Hilltown,
(CEO & Joint Dictator)

Dear Madam,
I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I can give. I can though give you a good washing with pleasure in a most clean river down by the riverside with no person to see your naked things. I insist that you will like this.
Your question also to receive beds for twins. For this I have great seeking made without any OK as well from neighbour next door because his wife to this man gives him many childs. This man admits no knowledge about beds for twins. Part of you may sleep in this place while your extras to the neighbour house next door go. It is only throwing a stone away.
All must eat in this haus the cheapest food. We are sorry no beefs or chicken beefs or pig beefs because we are all vegetables here. The fish your man hopes to catch is always in the river. He catch them we cook them you eat them. Me and my better half are hoping to do you soon.

Yours Fully Faithfully,
Jaarj Makkal.
(Owner & Joint Profiteer)

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