August 14, 2008

Lies, damned lies and more damned lies! (The funny side of government propaganda in Sri Lanka)

Breaking News and other Tall Stories brought to you by Mr.Daily Noise and Mrs.Roopa Vahini.
Their motto: "We Report What We Want - You Believe What You Like!"

Katubedda February 30th 2008. (11pm GMT)

2.5 liter Kassippu bottle found behind a transformer in Katubedda and safely consumed by 2 policemen. Informed sources said that there were no casualties, unless you take into account the 2 slightly tipsy police heroes who risked life, limb and liver consuming the kassippu! Further investigations are being conducted by a special police team.

Weli Oya August 41st 2008. (4am GMT)

Military Spokesman Brigadier Pachagoris Pinocchio told reporters that heavy fighting occurred in the Tamil Nadu region in the south east of Austria between government forces and the El Tee Tee Hoo. 25,000 El Tee Tee Hoo carders were reportedly killed in these confrontations. Two soldiers sustained slight injuries. One of them had a sprained ankle and the other broke his toenail when he stepped on an anti personal mine. Both soldiers were airlifted to China, where they received honorary Gold Medals for the heroics shown on the battle field by the Beijing Olympic Committee.

Mannar April 1st 2008. (27pm GMT)

Troops advanced 4500 miles into enemy territory and captured the North Pole, Government Spokesman Kehel Mala Rambutang told Chinese reporters with pony tails (konday bandapu cheennoo). He said that the armed forces embarked on this "Maanushika Meheuma" or "Humanitarian Operation" to save the penguins from the evil polar bears who claim to be the sole representatives of the penguins! Spokesman Kehel Mala Rambutang also said that air force jets bombed "The Voice of Polar Bears," a radio station belonging to the "Liberation Polar Bears of North Pole Eland."

Polonnaruwa August 34th 2008. (21pm GMT)

Military Spokesman Brigadier Pachagoris Pinocchio was amongst 13,500 deserters who accepted an amnesty and returned to the battle front. The Defence Ministry is clueless as to how 13,500 returned when only 12,000 had deserted. The deserters claim that they did not desert, but were abducted by Aliens who had appeared in Unidentified Four Weeled Objects (UFOs) which looked similar to white vans. Investigations are in progress to ascertain if the Unidentified Four Weeled Objects (UFOs) were from the Planet Japan or the Planet Korea.

Colombo August 39th 2008. (13am GMT)

Minister Moda Seal Var, 'Mad dog of the Nation,' who is infamous for his attacks on the press, the "Watch dogs of the Nation," was interviewed by SNN Reporter Christianne Amanpour me a cup of tea.

Christianne Amanpour me a cup of tea of SNN:
Seal Var Sir, were you responsible for biting a camera man and stealing his camera?

Minister Moda Seal Var: Woof…woof !

Christianne Amanpour me a cup of tea of SNN: President Chinthana Paksharajas pet names for you are 'Merv the Perv,' and 'Mental Merv,'….true or false?

Minister Moda Seal Var: Bow…wow…wow !

Christianne Amanpour me a cup of tea of SNN: Is your bark worse than your bite?

Minister Moda Seal Var: Arf…arf…arf !

Christianne Amanpour me a cup of tea of SNN: Will you continue to terrorize the media in future?

Minister Moda Seal Var: Arf…arf…woof f$#k u grrrr… grrrrr…woof….c$#t….arf…arf…

Christianne Amanpour me a cup of tea of SNN: Thank you…thank you very much…that will be all sir!

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