February 25, 2009
Mister Rogerproxys Monty Barren Lockets and Custard Buns (a tribute to Lasantha Wickramatunge)
The short satire that appears below is a tribute to Lasantha Wickramatunge, who was killed by the attack dogs of cowards who could not stomach the truth. I did not know him personally, but I admired his fearless reporting and enjoyed reading his many exposes about corruption in the government and the military. Terrorism in Sri Lanka raised its head in the 1970s and again in the 1980s and has continued unabated since. But state sponsored terrorism has plagued this country since independence. State repression by various governments has been the cause for most of the country’s ills since 1948. When State Terrorism is defeated, other forms of terrorism will die a natural death. While thinking of the depths this country has sunk to since independence, I was reminded of George Orwell’s famous novel “1984.” The characters in his novel were lucky in that they had to contend with only one villain who was called “Big Brother.” But the unfortunate people of this country have to contend with a “Quadrumvirate of Brothers” and their armed goons. Let us sincerely hope that this “Autocratic Theocratic Dictatorship” that we live in today, will someday soon become a “Democratic Republic” where each one of us is guaranteed the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.
Mister Rogerproxys Monty Barren Lockets and Custard Buns
Idiot Island on Planet Mirth (2016 AD):
The Global Recession on Planet Mirth has reached an all time low. Foreign exchange has dwindled to a trickle and Idiot Island is on the verge of bankruptcy due to a long drawn out ‘Humanitarian War’ that has entered it’s 35th year. The Dictatorship decides to take the bull by the horns and makes drastic cost cuts in all its ministries.
The four telephone operators at the Dictators Palace are the first to be laid off, and the hotline is taken over by the Foreign Ministers 10-year-old niece who had arrived on the Island for the Christmas holidays from the Peoples Autocratic Dictatorship of Shyna.
“Hello, operator! Have there been any messages for me?”
“Just a minute, let me check…er…no nothing here. Oh wait here’s one. It’s from a Mr.Prebio…a Mr.Prebiocarrom. He says…”
“Prebiocarrom? Are you sure its…”
“Yes, Prebiocarrom, that’s right. The message is…”
“But I don’t know any Mr.Prebiocarrom!”
“Yes, its Prebiocarrom. Let me spell it out for you. P-R-E-B-I-O-C-A-R-R-O-M. Do you want the message or don’t you? I’ve got other calls here and I’m all alone at the switch board as the other four girls have been laid off!”
“What is the message?”
“It says you are to remove your monty barren lockets and custard buns from Killernoosee by…”
“Monty barren lockets and custard buns? Are you sure it says monty barren lockets and custard buns?”
“Yes, that’s what the message says. Why, don’t you have any monty barren lockets and custard buns in Killernoosee?”
“Are you certain…maybe you made a mistake?”
“No…let me spell it out for you…its M-O-N-T-Y B-A-R-R-E-N L-O-C-K-E-T-S
and C-U-S-T-A-R-D B-U-N-S…to be removed from K-I-L-L-E-R-N-O-O-S-E-E. He wants you to remove them by…by…tossday…or is it thosayday, I can’t make it out. One of the other girls took down the message before she was laid off. Anyway he wants you to remove them from Killernoosee either by toosday or thosayday or something or the other, otherwise he’s going to…”
“Yes? Otherwise he’s going to what?”
“Can you hold on, I’ve got another call.”
“Hello? Operator? Hello? Hello?”
“Oh, hello! Thank you for…for holding Mister Rogerproxy…”
“Roger who? Oh, never mind…could you please just read the rest of the message?”
“It says you are to remove your monty barren lockets and custard buns from Killernoosee by tossday or thosayday or whatever or he will bum Koolumber into smitheroons!”
“Oh shoot! I’m sorry!”
“Sorry for what?”
“This message isn’t for you Mister Rogerproxy. It’s for a Mister Goatproxy.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s for a Mister Goatproxy. That’s what it says. I didn’t take the message my self. It was taken by one of the other girls. I guess it just got into your inbox by mistake. Sorry. No messages for you today, Mister Rogerproxy. Have a nice day! Byeeee!
Interview with a Comedian
Idiot Island-Planet Mirth, Thosaday 2016 (44.34 GMT):
Idiot Island- - Planet Mirth ( 2016 AD)
Christianne AmanPourmeacupoftea of See & End interviews Military Comedian Brigadiar Youliar Peenorkeeyokaara (Who will henceforth be known as Brig YP) to find out the latest news about the quarter of a million Tranquil tribes people holidaying in the Fullofthieves jungle in the north of Idiot Island.
The Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium (Who will henceforth be known as Tranquil Tourists) have been fighting for a separate Tranquil Tourist Resort for the past thirty years on Idiot Island.
See & End: Brig YP, is it true that several Tranquil tribes people have caught cold, bronchitis and pneumonia and some have died due to the heavy rain showers that your Humanitarian forces have directed towards the Fullofthieves jungle?
Brig YP: That’s a lie. It does not rain on Idiot Island. When it does occasionally do, the rain is directed to where the Tranquil Tourists are operating. We have designated a 3500 square kilometre ‘No Rain Zone’ (also known as the ‘Dry Zone’) and we urge all Tranquil tribes people including wild animals and any living creature of the Fullofthieves jungle to move into this area to avoid being drenched by ‘Humanitarian showers.’
See & End: What have you got to say about rumours that warn of Tranquil tribes people in the Fullofthieves jungle facing a severe shortage of essential items?
Brig YP: This is incorrect. We have sent several truck loads of umbrellas and rain coats to the Tranquil tribes people. We have also sent them a supply of soap, shampoo and towels so that if by chance they do get caught in any showers, they could take a refreshing bath and dry them selves off. Yesterday we sent a fresh supply of vitamin C and cough syrup to be used by those who have caught cold, bronchitis and pneumonia.
See & End: The Tranquil Tourists website tranquilnet.con claims that several Humanitarian soldiers have contracted bronchitis and many have died of pneumonia due to the heavy rain showers directed towards them by the Tranquil Tourists.
Brig YP: That is a bare faced lie. Our heroic Humanitarian forces are immune to these diseases. They have also been equipped with quality umbrellas and rain coats.
See & End: What about thunder and lighting?
Brig YP: Our Humanitarian forces wear thick rubber soled shoes and they have been instructed not to stand under trees when there’s thunder and lighting. We will capture the whole of the North Pole Land in a few days and no showers or thunderstorms will stop our progress. We shall march through hill and dale…through valleys and mountains…Westward Ho! Sorry about being carried away, what I meant to say was, ‘North Pole Land! Here we come!’
See & End: So who is responsible for the showers that have been falling on the Tranquil tribes people in the Fullofthieves jungle?
Brig YP: There is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to push rain clouds using giant fans towards areas where the Tranquil tribes people are holidaying to discredit the forward march of our heroic Humanitarian forces. We have also received reliable information that the weather Gods are conspiring against us and assisting the ‘International Conspirators.’ We recently observed a low flying satellite that tried to rescue the Tranquil Tourist Leader, Rolypoly Prebiocarrom.
See & End: Just one final question. Sources close to us say that you had rice and curry for lunch today. Would you like to comment?
Brig YP: This is incorrect. It’s a categorical lie. This is not just a lie, but also a damned lie! If they show you statistics, don’t believe them! This is another ‘International Conspiracy’ that has been hatched to discredit our forward march. I have satellite images to prove that I did not have rice and curry for lunch. I actually ordered a pizza with mozzarella cheese and spicy chicken…. with…. a sprinkling of…. and…
See & End: Thank…thank you…Brigadier Youliar…that will be all.
You are my Brother and you are my Sister
If you are red, black, white or yellow,
Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim or any other,
Vegetarian or teetotal, doesn’t matter,
Eat beef, pork, chicken and drink, smoke and get high,
All the better,
Make love, like music and enjoy life to the fullest,
Then you’re my kind of person,
You’re my brother and you’re my sister.
Xyklon B was humane?
The landscape is poxed with craters,
Women and children and old people are,
Not gassed to death by Xyklon B but,
Bombed to bits by screaming jets.
The jungle is one big concentration camp,
Auschwitz, Buchenwald, Dachau, Treblinka,
All rolled into a thirty something,
Square kilometre ”No Fire Zone”,
2,50,000 Jews of Haysia,
On the Idiot Island under Hindiyar,
Saturated with rockets, shells and cluster bombs,
A crude but effective “Final Solution”,
The brainchild of the Rogerproxy Brothers,
In hindsight Xyklon B seems humane,
But no one cared then,
And no one cares now.
What if?
What if….
the roles were reversed and the Tamils were the majority and the Sinhalese were the minority; and Prabahakaran was President of the country and Rajapaksa was the leader of a terrorist group called the ‘Liberation Lions of Sinhala Eelam’ (LLST) fighting for a separate Sinhala state in the South?
answer:
1) There would probably be a war similar to the on going one.
2) President Prabahakaran and his supporters would euphemistically call the war a ‘Humanitarian Operation.’
3) Rajapaksa’s suicide bombers would be called ‘Bloodthirsty Lions.’
4) ‘Orange Vans’ would abduct Sinhala civilians suspected of being Lion terrorists.
5) Tamil journalists who report about the war would be abducted, beaten and killed; and maybe a few newspaper presses and TV stations would be torched.
The list is endless. I leave it up to the readers’ imagination.
What if….
the LTTE tried to form a separate state in Hell?
answer: The devil would probably seek political asylum in Sri Lanka.
What if …
Bin Ladan owned Sri Lanka and Hell?
answer: He would rent out Sri Lanka and live in Hell!
What if…
the sale of cigarettes and alcohol was banned in Sri Lanka?
answer: People would turn to smoking illegal cigarettes and drinking kassippu (moonshine). The Government would lose billions in tax revenue. More people would fall ill by consuming substandard liquor.
What if…
it was compulsory that all the people in Sri Lanka had to attend a temple, church, mosque or kovil at least once a day?
answer: There would be peace and harmony in Sri Lanka…there would be a heaven on earth….paradise lost will have been found ( ha! ha! ha! only in your dreams! For the time being, your dreams are your own, so dream on until the ‘Rogerproxy Government’ finds a way to censor your dreams!)
What if…
Sri Lanka ruled the World?
answer:
1) Sri Lanka would invade any country that sold meat and alcohol and kept film halls open on the full moon poya day!
2) It would be illegal to slaughter cattle for consumption on full moon poya days, but legal to bomb suspected terrorists targets with cluster bombs and multi barrel rockets.
3) Only Buddhist programmes would be shown on televisions around the world, 8 days a week, 465 days a year.
4) American women would work as housemaids in Sri Lanka.
5) The rupee would be the World currency.
6) Sinhala would be the lingua franca of the world.
7) Sri Lanka would issue green cards to people around the world, to live and work in the country.
8) Amaradeva and Nandamalini would out sell Eminem and Madonna in record sales! There would be an influx of economic refugees and political asylum seekers in the country!
9) People around the world will celebrate when Baramesh Obamasingham (a minority Tamil) is voted President of Sri Lanka.
10) The nations allied to Sri Lanka would be: Zimbabwe, North Korea, Somalia, Sudan, Cuba, Iran, China ect. The ‘Axis of Evil’ nations would be India, America, all EU nations, Australia, Canada and any country that had a substantial amount of Tamils living there.
What if…
Chandrika Kumaranatunga had been a man, and Ranil Wickramasinghe had been a woman?
answer: It wouldn’t have made much of a difference!
What if…
50 odd years ago, Prabahakaran’s father had worn a condom?
answer: There would still be a Tamil problem!
What if…
Sharks used fishing rods to catch humans?
answer: They would use currency notes as bait! (Preferably US$ or Euros)
What if…
the eating of pork was no longer banned in Islamic countries?
answer: Pigs would seek asylum on the moon, and the rest would become extinct in a few years.
What if…
Every time a Politician told a lie to the people or broke his promise, a ‘White Van’ abducted him and beat him up unmercifully?
answer: This could happen only in your dreams or only if God was on the side of the general public and operated his own fleet of ‘White Vans.’
What if…
Sri Lanka was invaded by Aliens?
answer: The Government would contact Will Smith! Politicians would call it an International Conspiracy to discredit the government and do away with our sovereignty and territorial integrity! The silent minority would welcome the Aliens with open arms!
What if…
At independence in 1948, there were no majorities or minorities, only 5million Buddhists, 5 million Hindus, 5 million Christians and 5 million Muslims?
answer:
1) There would be no ‘Humanitarian War’ today.
2) All religions would be given equal status instead of one religion being given pride of place.
3) The Sinhala, Tamil and English languages would all be national languages.
4) No single community could dominate the other communities and impose their language, religion or culture on the others.
5) There would truly be ‘Unity in Diversity’ in the country and there would have been no need for me to start a blog called srilankalandoftheblind.blogspot.com
What goes around, comes around
Once upon a time on Planet Mirth,
On the Idiot Island under Hindiyar,
That hung like a piss drop from a penis,
There lived a race of xenophobic idiots,
Who believed that the Idiot Island,
Belonged only to the majority idiot race.
So they danced with joy and lit fireworks in the streets,
As screaming Mig jets triumphantly dropped cluster bombs on the jungle,
Where women, children and old people, of the minority race,
Tried to flee in a thousand directions while shrapnel tore at their heels.
The children who survive this ‘Humanitarian Operation,’
Will come back one day as human bombs to avenge their loved ones.
Then the women, children and old people of the idiot race,
Will pay with their lives for sins of the past,
Committed by their fathers, uncles and brothers.
What goes around, comes around,
The Mig bomb begets the suicide bomb,
And both races will rest in pieces.
The Greatest Show on Planet Mirth
Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages,
Come one! Come all!
And watch this clowning spectacle,
Now showing daily, from morning till night!
So don’t just sit there looking stupid!
Switch on your Idiot Island television and see,
‘The Greatest Show on Planet Mirth!”
Even better than the gladiatorial contests,
Of ancient Rome on Planet Earth,
When Caesar gave his people bread and circuses.
Now see the Caesar of Idiot Island give his people rice and war!
See the death defying stunts of Mig pilots,
As they drop their cluster bombs with pinpoint accuracy,
On unarmed women, children and old people.
See multi barrel rockets light up the night sky,
Like a 31st night fireworks display,
As they speed towards their random targets.
See the funny Defence Comedian and the
Funny Government Comedian, tell tall tales,
About low flying satellites, international conspiracies,
And alien abductions by UFOs.
(Also known as ‘Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects’ or ‘White Vans’).
See the 110 clowns all dressed in white say,
“Yes Sir! No Sir! Ulcer!”
As they jump through hoops to the command of
The Caesar of Idiot Island.
See the ‘Humanitarian’ shelling of unarmed civilians!
See the ‘Humanitarian’ killing of an editor!
See the ‘Humanitarian’ burning down of a television station!
See the ‘Humanitarian’ killing of 9 journalists and the beating up of 28 more!
See all this and more!
8 days a week! 465 days a year!
Only on Idiot Island television,
In the Idiot Island under Hindiyar!
No, I Said
They took me to the battlefield and showed me the rows upon rows of dead women, children and old people and told me they were enemy combatants. Showed me dead cattle and told me they were enemy cattle. Showed me the destroyed houses and deserted streets and said, “See how successful our ‘Humanitarian Operation’ is! ”Not a single civilian or soldier was killed or injured.
“No,” I said, in my newspaper column the next day. “There is nothing successful or humanitarian in calling dead women, children, old people and cattle enemy combatants! And what do you gain by bombing their villages and towns into the stone age?”
A few days later they abducted me in a white van, and beat me unmercifully. Locked me up and threw away the key. Said I was a traitor to my race and an enemy sympathiser. Put a gun to my head and said, “See how successful our ‘Humanitarian Operation’ is!”
“No,” I said, “And there was a flash and a bang and I was dead.” The next days headlines would read, “Enemy sympathiser shot while trying to escape.”
Yes my dear killers, my murder along with the thousands of other unnamed and unarmed civilians will go down in history as a successful ‘Inhumanitarian Operation.”
How the Sri Lanka Cricket Team Could Have Avoided A Four One Defeat At The Hands Of The Indians?
On February the 3rd 2009 at about 4pm (Sri Lanka Time), a friend sent me an sms asking, “What is happening to the match?” This was the time that Shewag and Uvaraj were taking the Sri Lankan bowlers apart in the 3rd day night match at the R.Premadasa Stadium. As I was not a Sri Lankan cricket fan, (I’m a fan of Australia, South Africa and Pakistan. But I think I’m beginning to like this new look Indian team) I gleefully replied, “Sri Lanka is Bowling, and India is batting.” A minute later I received another sms that said, “Isn’t there any way we could have avoided this?”
YES THERE WAS! The simple solution is to have handled this cricket tournament the way the Sri Lanka Government has been handling the war against the Tamils…oops sorry, what I meant to say was ‘Humanitarian Operation’ to save the Tamils. And that is to look at all their problems as nails that have to be hit over the head with a hammer.
All the Sri Lanka Cricket Board needed to do was take a leaf out of the book of the Sri Lanka Defence Ministry.
1) The Cricket Board could have asked the Indian cricket manager to call over at the Cricket Board.
2) The Cricket Board secretary could then have warned the Indian manager that if his team scored more than 150 runs in any of the 5 one day matches, it would be detrimental to the players health.
3) If these instructions were not followed, and the Indian team continued winning, about twenty armed men could have stormed the Taj hotel at about 2 am in the morning and set fire to it. (The Taj is where the Indian team resides during each tour to Sri Lank).
4) If the Indian team still kept on posting 300 plus scores, four assassins on motor bikes wearing full faced helmets could have been sent to assassinate the Indian coach in broad day light as he was driving his vehicle to the grounds, and call the killing an ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Cricket Board.
5) The last resort would have been to abduct a few of the star Indian cricketers in ‘White Vans’ and beat them up so that they couldn’t bat or bowl.
May be in future home tours, the Cricket Board may resort to the above rules when playing against opposition that is stronger than them. One tends to wonder if any of these rules were put into practice prior to the last match against the Indians when the Lankan team won a consolation victory.
(A story doing the rounds that the Sri Lankan selectors have included local umpires Kumar Darmasena and Gamini Silva as their 12th and 13th players for the World Cup squad is nothing more than a malicious rumour)
Anyway, congratulations Dohni and the team for a great tournament. Here’s hoping that your team reaches the semi finals in 2011 World Cup along with the Australian, South African and Pakistan teams.
A look at present day Sri Lanka through famous quotes slightly changed
Points to ponder for the majority in Sri Lanka:
Famous Quote: Truth is the first casualty of war!
In Sri Lanka: Apart from Truth, Journalists, Newspaper Editors and TV Stations are the first casualties of war!
Famous Quote: Hatred ceases not by hatred, but by love; that is the eternal truth!
In Sri Lanka: Hatred ceases not by hatred, nor by bus bombs or MIG bombs, nor by fire bombing of TV stations nor the killing of journalists, but by the maximum devolution of power, that is the eternal truth!
Famous Quote: It isn’t over until the fat lady sings!
In Sri Lanka: It isn’t over until the PTA (Prevention of Terrorism Act) is abolished; high security zones done away with, checkpoints dismantled and the armed forces confined to their barracks! (Otherwise how can you say that the War…oops sorry, I meant to say ‘Humanitarian Operation’ is over?)
Famous Quote: Those who live by the sword will die by the sword!
In Sri Lanka: Those who live by the pen will be killed by four assassins on motor bikes, and those who live by the camera will have their TV station fire bombed!
Famous Quote: You may lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink!
In Sri Lanka: You may say the war is over, but can you get the rebels to lay down arms?
Famous Quote: Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses!
In Sri Lanka: There is no Democracy in Sri Lanka, but Jackasses have been worshiping Jackals here for over 61 years!
Famous Quote: I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death, you’re right to say it!
In Sri Lanka: If you say what the government doesn’t agree with, be ready to be killed, beaten up, abducted and have your camera equipment smashed to smithereens!
Famous Quote: Nietzsche said, “God is dead. Everything is now possible!”
In Sri Lanka: Lasantha and the ‘Free Media Movement’ is dead, everything now is possible! (eg: Bribery, corruption, shady arms deals, intimidation and abduction of Tamils, Hilarious casualty figures ect.)
Famous Quote: There is no smoke without a fire!
In Sri Lanka: Very true…but who started the fire that burnt down the MTV/MBC TV station?
Famous Quote: The known devil is better than the unknown angel!
In Sri Lanka: The known terrorist in the north is better than the unknown former terrorist who is now a member of parliament?
Famous Quote: There are lies, damned lies and statistics!
In Sri Lanka: There is the Lake House Newspapers, Rupavahini and The Sri Lanka Broadcasting Corporation!
Famous Quote: When you kill one man you are a murderer. When you kill ten, you are a monster. And when you kill ten thousand, you are a hero!
Sri Lanka: When you kill a bull for meat on a full moon poya day, you are fined
Rs.50,000 and imprisoned. On this very same day when you bomb the north with MIG and Kafirs and Multi Barrel Rocket Launchers, you are considered a hero! What a funny situation indeed?
Famous Quote: Guns don’t kill people, people kill people!
In Sri Lanka: Bus bombs are placed by people on the ground and cluster bombs are dropped by people in the sky!
Famous Quote: A stitch in time saves nine!
In Sri Lanka: Burn a TV station and kill an Editor and you will have the rest of the Journalists eating out of your hand!
Famous Quote: An eye for an eye!
In Sri Lanka: A suicide bomb for a MIG bomb!
Famous Quote: No man has the right to govern another man without the others consent!
In Sri Lanka: It is the sacred right of the Government in power to rig elections to its advantage and intimidate opposition voters!
Famous Quote: In the land of the blind the one eyed man is King!
In Sri Lanka: In the land of the deaf, dumb and blind, the man with the ‘Red Towel’ around his neck is Dictator!
A ballad for my family
My mother she said we would never be free,
My father said someday we would,
My brother said we had to fight to be free,
My sister said you would be killed.
My mother said there was no freedom of speech,
My father watched government news,
My brother fled north to escape from white vans,
My sister she painted her nails.
My mother she died when a shell hit our house,
My father was abducted and killed.
My brother he fought in the jungles up north,
My sister said things weren’t that bad.
I wonder if mother in heaven is free,
Does father now watch BBC?
Will brother be free to come home one day?
My sister said lets wait and see.
February 20, 2009
We Shot The Lasantha, And We Also Burnt The MTV (sung to the tune of ‘I Shot the Sheriff’)
You have heard of the ‘Doobie Brothers,’ and the ‘Bellamy Brothers.’ Now put your hands together Ladies and Gentlemen…for ‘Rogerproxy and the Righteous Brothers,’ who will perform their new ‘hit single,’ We Shot The Lasantha, And We Also Burnt The MTV (sung to the tune of ‘I Shot the Sheriff’) the harmonizing is done by the ‘Mahasone Balakaya Singers’ and the ‘K9 Choir of Vienna.’
We Shot The Lasantha, And We Also Burnt The MTV
(sung to the tune of ‘I Shot the Sheriff’)
By Rogerproxy and the Righteous Brothers
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV.
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV.
All around in ‘The Land of the Blind,’
They are blaming our ‘Gang of Four’.
They say they want to bring us in guilty,
For the killing of ‘Lasantha’,
And burning of the ‘MTV’.
But we say:
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV,
but we swear it was not in self-defense, (it was just to teach the media a lesson.)
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV,
and we say it is a minor offense…(an International Conspiracy)
Lasantha always hated us;
For stealing the ‘Tsunami Aid’ and ‘Crooked Arms Deals’.
He exposed are dirty deals in the ‘Sunday Leader,’
So we said ‘Kill him before he exposes more!’
So we said ‘Kill him before he exposes more!’
We say:
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV,
but we swear it was not in self-defense, (it was just to teach the media a lesson.)
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV,
and we say it is a minor offense…(an International Conspiracy)
Lasantha was on his way to the office,
To expose all our dirty deals.
So we shot, we shot him down.
We say:
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV.
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV.
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