February 25, 2009
Mister Rogerproxys Monty Barren Lockets and Custard Buns (a tribute to Lasantha Wickramatunge)
The short satire that appears below is a tribute to Lasantha Wickramatunge, who was killed by the attack dogs of cowards who could not stomach the truth. I did not know him personally, but I admired his fearless reporting and enjoyed reading his many exposes about corruption in the government and the military. Terrorism in Sri Lanka raised its head in the 1970s and again in the 1980s and has continued unabated since. But state sponsored terrorism has plagued this country since independence. State repression by various governments has been the cause for most of the country’s ills since 1948. When State Terrorism is defeated, other forms of terrorism will die a natural death. While thinking of the depths this country has sunk to since independence, I was reminded of George Orwell’s famous novel “1984.” The characters in his novel were lucky in that they had to contend with only one villain who was called “Big Brother.” But the unfortunate people of this country have to contend with a “Quadrumvirate of Brothers” and their armed goons. Let us sincerely hope that this “Autocratic Theocratic Dictatorship” that we live in today, will someday soon become a “Democratic Republic” where each one of us is guaranteed the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.
Mister Rogerproxys Monty Barren Lockets and Custard Buns
Idiot Island on Planet Mirth (2016 AD):
The Global Recession on Planet Mirth has reached an all time low. Foreign exchange has dwindled to a trickle and Idiot Island is on the verge of bankruptcy due to a long drawn out ‘Humanitarian War’ that has entered it’s 35th year. The Dictatorship decides to take the bull by the horns and makes drastic cost cuts in all its ministries.
The four telephone operators at the Dictators Palace are the first to be laid off, and the hotline is taken over by the Foreign Ministers 10-year-old niece who had arrived on the Island for the Christmas holidays from the Peoples Autocratic Dictatorship of Shyna.
“Hello, operator! Have there been any messages for me?”
“Just a minute, let me check…er…no nothing here. Oh wait here’s one. It’s from a Mr.Prebio…a Mr.Prebiocarrom. He says…”
“Prebiocarrom? Are you sure its…”
“Yes, Prebiocarrom, that’s right. The message is…”
“But I don’t know any Mr.Prebiocarrom!”
“Yes, its Prebiocarrom. Let me spell it out for you. P-R-E-B-I-O-C-A-R-R-O-M. Do you want the message or don’t you? I’ve got other calls here and I’m all alone at the switch board as the other four girls have been laid off!”
“What is the message?”
“It says you are to remove your monty barren lockets and custard buns from Killernoosee by…”
“Monty barren lockets and custard buns? Are you sure it says monty barren lockets and custard buns?”
“Yes, that’s what the message says. Why, don’t you have any monty barren lockets and custard buns in Killernoosee?”
“Are you certain…maybe you made a mistake?”
“No…let me spell it out for you…its M-O-N-T-Y B-A-R-R-E-N L-O-C-K-E-T-S
and C-U-S-T-A-R-D B-U-N-S…to be removed from K-I-L-L-E-R-N-O-O-S-E-E. He wants you to remove them by…by…tossday…or is it thosayday, I can’t make it out. One of the other girls took down the message before she was laid off. Anyway he wants you to remove them from Killernoosee either by toosday or thosayday or something or the other, otherwise he’s going to…”
“Yes? Otherwise he’s going to what?”
“Can you hold on, I’ve got another call.”
“Hello? Operator? Hello? Hello?”
“Oh, hello! Thank you for…for holding Mister Rogerproxy…”
“Roger who? Oh, never mind…could you please just read the rest of the message?”
“It says you are to remove your monty barren lockets and custard buns from Killernoosee by tossday or thosayday or whatever or he will bum Koolumber into smitheroons!”
“Oh shoot! I’m sorry!”
“Sorry for what?”
“This message isn’t for you Mister Rogerproxy. It’s for a Mister Goatproxy.”
“It’s for a Mister Goatproxy. That’s what it says. I didn’t take the message my self. It was taken by one of the other girls. I guess it just got into your inbox by mistake. Sorry. No messages for you today, Mister Rogerproxy. Have a nice day! Byeeee!