DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA’S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. ”
BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
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