If you have ever tried to keep track of the political situation in Sri Lanka (also known as "That Blasted Country"), in the last couple of years, you would know how confusing it all is with so many different newspapers carrying so many different views. To remedy this, I decided to take parts from each newspaper and string them together in the hope of getting a proper perspective of what really is happening…and this was the result!
The vocal majority shouted all kinds of slogans:
"RATA PERATA! API WALATA!"
"Death to Chauvinists!"
"The Jathika Hela Urumaya are Kola Kenda addicts!"
"Galle Face is for Lovers!"
"Thopi Wenuwen Api!"
"Be patriotic, waste like our government!"
"Conserve water…drink kassippu!"
"Lets Rock 'n' Roll in Muhamalai!"
"Don't walk on the grass…smoke it!"
"The KGB are Kandiyan Govigama Buddhists!"
"East or West…Prabahakaran is the best!"
"The JVP are the Janathawa Vinashakireemay Peramuna!"
"Long Live Duckworth & Lewis!"
"Duckworth for President & Lewis for Prime Minister!"
And equipped with:Chinese weapons, White vans, Veddah mercernaries, Bags of pohora, Dr.Delipihiya's strait jacket, Multi barrel cattle droppings, Anthrax spores, Claymore mines, Samurdhi Niyamaka yakkos, 110 Cabinet Ministers, Swiss bank accounts, Jonny Batta's, A 'Situation Report' by Iqbal Athas, Bows and arrows, Marauding morons, Kafirs and Migs, Cherry flavoured cannabis, Retired JVP cadres, Lalkantha's hernia, Inmates from Angoda, Deep Penetration Units, Next years TV programmes, A copy of the Hansard, A bullet and a ballot, A copy of the 'Mahinda Chinthanaya', Highly trained midgets, Bullet proof intercoolers, Tilvin's weights schedule, A book on "How to send Politicians to the moon," A gazette notification, Wimal's 'Hair Gel', Somawansa's false teeth and a loaf of bread.
Today: Crossed over to the Government from the opposition, Gave nuisance calls, Sent text messages, Rampaged through, Invaded, Bombed, Assassinated, Exterminated, Cremated, Spread malicious rumours, Hustled tourists, Swapped dirty jokes, Burnt the Jaffna library, Decided to rename the country as "The Autocratic Theocratic Oligarchy of Sri Lanka, Dissolved Parliament, Set up an anti-cultural league, Gave government back to the people, Made everybody his own lawmaker, Decided to wipe out corruption by wiping out government, Set up an organization called "Sri Lankans for Democratic Anarchy," Applauded the practice of cruelty to animals, Set up an old age pension scheme for honest politicians, Banned the book "The day Prabahakaran didn't shave," Nominated Dr.Delipihiya for the Nobel Peace Prize.
The Outbreak which followed:The recent bus bombings, The abduction of UFOs by 'White Vans', Helping Hambantota, The no-confidence motion, The killing of innocent mass murderers, The hijacking of a plane load of rice, The closing down of liquor stores, The non payment of electricity bills, The censoring of the weather report, The Dooshanaya and Beeshanaya, The misplacement of the Mahiyangane telephone directory, Ethnic violence in the north pole, The translation of the "Encyclopedia of Fungus" into Pali, The infringement of fundamental rights, The discrimination of bacteria, The Charge of the Light Brigade, The imprisonment of Dengue Mosquitoes under the "Prevention of Terrorism Act," The high cost of living, The "Jana Bala Meheuma," The Udatalawinna massacre, The excommunication of the devil, The dissolving of parliament, The ban on showing alcohol and tobacco on TV, The free and fair elections in the east, The manhandling of Dr.Delipihiya by Mrs. Rupa Vahini.
Could: Cause inflation, Cause laughter, Cause further price hikes of oil, Lead to further air strikes in the North, Threaten vegetarians, Wipe out non-violence from Sri Lanka, Give a bad name to Sri Lankans living in Alaska, Make compulsory the watching of Mrs.Rupa Vahini by blind people, Lead to state sponsored terrorism being peoplised, Lead to more abductions by Aliens.
And affect: The price of White Vans, World Peace, Globalization, The Information Super Highway, The Sinhala way of life or "Apay Kamma", Future high rise buildings, The fight against terrorism, Mrs. Rupa Vaahini & Mr. Daily Noise, The LTTE pension scheme, The 1.5 million cannabis plants by the year 2010 programme, GSP +, The Prime Ministers fight with baldness, Same sex marriages, The future of "Mahinda Chinthanaya", Amaradeva's popularity, Kola Kenda addicts, The "Maha Sinhalay Wansa Kathaava", Talks in Oslo, Monogamous marriages, The Leaning Tower of Pisa, World Population, Amity & Unity, The Sovereignty and Territorial Integrity of Sri Lanka, House maids in the middle-east, The Ozone layer, Honest politicians, Dumb rap singers, Deaf Hard Rock fans, Future Provincial Councils, Owners of cellular phones, Glasnost in Sampur, The price of coffins, The land value in hell, The rising cost of sand, The outcome of the Elara vs Dutugemunu war, Tamil Aspirations, Red light districts in Colombo, The Wayamba election, AF Raymond, The defeat of the LTTE by the year 3008.
Politicians blame the crisis on:Aliens in white vans, Power cuts, Nepotism, The tour of Sri Lanka by Brian Adams, Alcohol & Tobacco, The rising cost of oil, Unpatriotic Journalists, Prabahakaran's parents, Defective condoms, The Executive Presidency, JRs "Bahoobootha Viyavasthaawa, The Family Planning Association, Eve for not taking the pill, The Dutch, The Portuguese, The British, Low protein diets, Dooshanaya & Beeshanaya, The US$, The Japanese Yen, Baggy Underwear, Gravity, The IOC, Amnesty International, INGOs, Mihin Air, Five Star Democracy, Mettha, Muditha, Karuna & Pillayan, The decline and fall of the Roman and British empires, Tire Pyres, Sanath's "Pol Addi", The suns ultra violet rays, Jumbo Peanuts, The Sri Lankan embassy in Antarctica, Hindi movies, The private bus service, UFOs, Mad Cow Disease, Consultation, Compromise and Consensus, Bouncy Wickets, The third umpire, Duckworth & Lewis, Bathiya & Santhus, The Jathika Hela Urumaya, The Boomiputhra Party, The Memorandum of Understanding, Landslides in Rathnapura, Everyone else but themselves.
And fear it may lead to: A Dharma Rajya, Further abductions by Aliens in white vans, Journalists being named an endangered species, World Wars 3 and 4, Veddahs seeking a separate state in Dambana, Mosquitoes seeking a separate state in the Beira Lake, Dead tamil militants seeking a separate state in hell, The devil seeking political asylum in Sri Lanka, Women growing hair on their chests, The return of the IPKF, More election violence, The legalization of polygamy, Politicians declaring their assets, The victory of the bullet over the ballot, More Mega Tele Dramas, More Mihin Airs, A cure for AIDS, More Mano vs Malik talks, An attack from Mars, April 1st being named as "Politicians Day", The Sri Lankan Football team winning the 4008 Football World Cup, More Peace Talks, Prabahakaran being reborn as Mother Therese, Life on Saturn.