Dear Percy (Advice to Phoney Colomboians from a Phony Non-Colomboian Presi-Dunce)

Dear Percy,
I’m tired of having the right kind of job. I’m tired of wearing the right kind of clothes and being seen in the right kind of places. I’m also tired of driving the right kind of vehicle. In other words, I’m sick of being a Phoney Colomboian. What can I do to change?
E.T.
Dear E.T.,
I suggest you quit your job, sell your vehicle and buy some second hand clothes. Then go and live in a “Welfare Holiday Camp” in WOWneeyar! In other words you can become a Phoney WOWneeyarn!



Dear Percy,
Whenever I go for a film festival at the Jewman Cultural Institute, I never know what’s going on. Afterwards, all my friends analyze and discuss the movie, but when they ask for my opinion, I just stand there looking like an idiot. Please help me!
M.R.

Dear M.R.,
Next time they ask, look misty eyed, sigh and say, “It was such a deep, meaningful and personal experience that I’d rather not discuss it!”



Dear Percy,
I have a problem. I am the mother of an 18 year old girl, and I have given her all the better things in life – designer clothes, a red Porsche, several credit cards and vacations in Shysterland, Toyland and Noisyland. But no matter how hard I try, she persists in wasting her time studying. She claims she wants to become a teacher and teach the young holiday makers living in “Welfare Holiday Camps” in WOWneeyar. Where have I failed her as a mother?
Mrs. F.K.

Dear Mrs. F.K.,
Don’t blame yourself. You did the best you could, and that’s all that counts. If she wants to ruin her life, let her.



Dear Percy,
When is it proper to shake with the right hand, and when is it proper to greet ‘Colomboian Style’ with both palms together in front of your face?
R.R.

Dear R.R.,
Although both palms together in front of your face is the traditional phoney greeting, you are mistaken in calling it the ‘Colomboian Style.’ The ‘Colomboian Style’ greeting for friends, enemies and total strangers alike is a hug and a kiss on both cheeks.




Dear Percy,
Last week I took a girl out to a fancy restaurant for dinner. When the bill came, I pulled out a huge roll of 2000 raypee notes and peeled off 4 notes and paid the bill. Since then she has refused to go out with me. Do you think I was too obvious in trying to impress her?
D.S.

Dear D.S.,
The trouble is, you didn’t impress her at all. Anyone who pays cash in a fancy restaurant must be on the verge of bankruptcy. When you take the next girl out for dinner, use a credit card.


Dear Percy,
Your column irritates me. Why should Colomboians want to be phonies? They should be real and honest like me. I Don’t want to be something I’m not. Nor do I desire things I cannot have. I have found true happiness in my wife and 8 children, and great satisfaction in my job as a simple security guard.
D.B.

Dear D.B.,
I admire you very much. Your argument shows that you are one of the biggest Phoney Colomboians who ever wrote to me. Have you ever thought of getting into politics?




Dear Percy,
I am engaged to a Colomboian who is a right royal phoney. I can’t believe a word he tells me, and his promises are worthless. What should I do?
A.C.

Dear A.C.,
Marry the guy immediately! He has the makings of a great Parleymutt. Who knows, if he is lucky, he might even become Presi-Dunce! I’m a living example of that.

New TIME magazine with Merv the Perv on its cover

Headlines that could appear in Sri Lankan Newspapers in 2050AD

President Namal Rajapaksa tells NDTV that the LTTE will be completely defeated by the end of the year!

Prime Minister of India, Rahul Gandhi said at a press conference that India does not support the LTTE, and that there are no LTTE camps on Indian soil.

Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior, Supreme Leader of the LTTE, vows to use two 15 kiloton nuclear devices obtained from North Korea in populated Sinhala areas if a separate state of Eelam is not granted by the Government of Rajapaksa (GOR).

The great pyramid housing the mummified remains of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, father of present President Namal Rajapaksa was completely destroyed by LTTE jets!

The sacred ‘Satakaya’ once worn by the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, which is said to hold magical powers has been secreted away from the Dalada Maligawa to an undisclosed location for safe keeping!

Wimal Weerawansa, former lapdog of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa passed away after a brief illness in Disneyland America. The remains will be cremated and buried in Cuba next to the grave of Fidel Castro!

DNA evidence proves beyond a doubt that the former Supreme Leader of the LTTE, Velupillai Prabahakaran was the biological father of present LTTE leader Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior.

The International Criminal Court convicts Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, Gotabaya Rajapaksa and General Sarath Fonseka, (all three who are now deceased) for being responsible for the deaths of over 20,000 Tamil civilians during the final stages of the war against the LTTE, 41 years ago.

The Great Wall of Sri Lanka, which was built in 2012AD, across the north of Sri Lanka to prevent LTTE rebels from crossing over to the south, is the only man made structure that can be seen from outer space, said Urine Gagarine Rajapaksa, the first Sri Lankan astronaut to orbit the earth!

The Jathika Hela Urumaya requests all patriotic Sinhala Buddhists not to vote for UNP Presidential Candidate, Barakamesh Hobarmysingham (a Tamil), because he vows to devolve maximum powers to the minorities in the north and east, and in doing so, bring to an end the 100 year conflict between the Sinhalese and the Tamils.

The yearly pilgrimage to the graves of Military Comedian Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara and Government Comedian Keheliya Rambukwella, who kept audiences worldwide in stitches with their daily utterances and tall stories about Eelam War IV, over 40 years ago, will not be held this year due to security reasons, said Charlie Chaplin Rajapaksa, the spokesman for "The Clowns and Comedians Worldwide Association."

President Namal Rajapaksa promised the 3,00,000 refugees who were displaced due to the war, 41 years ago, that he would re-settle them after the LTTE was completely defeated!

Cabraal Nivaad Ajith, Central Bank Governor and son of former Governor, (the late Ajith Nivaad Cabraal) said that the 2.6 billion US$ loan that Sri Lanka requested from the IMF in 2009, would be received in the near future.

95 year old Jathika Hela Urumaya monk, Athuruliye Rathna Thero told journalists that the only way "Mathata Thitha," the complete eradication of alcohol and drugs from society would succeed was, if society was completely eradicated. He further stated that a special bill on how this could be done would be presented to parliament in the near future.

BEANheen Air – We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight

“Good day, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BEANheen Air. This is your captain speaking. I am happy to announce that this is the first supersonic flight undertaken by BEANheen Air from Idiot Island to Libby Yar. We will be flying at an altitude of 90,000 feet and a speed of 1800km per hour. Our flying time from Idiot Island to Libby Yar will be 2 hours and 45 minutes.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know you are wondering why we have been waiting to take off for over 2 hours. Unfortunately, His
Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has been held up in traffic. We will be taking off as soon as she gets on board. In the mean time you are kindly requested to watch the in-flight movie of our beloved Presi-Dunce and his Royal Family of 300+ on their recent visit to LunDumb, Parish and NooYuk.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has finally got on board. We have now been cleared for take off. I apologize for the 6 hour delay at the runway. The stewardesses will now serve you Kurakang bread and Kola Kenda.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have broken some sort of record. Our flying time to Libby Yar was 2 hours and 31 minutes. Unfortunately there are many planes circling the airport, and we have been asked to fly over the Sha-Ha-Raa desert and hold there at 65,000 feet.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, since I last spoke to you, 90 minutes ago, I regret the Libby Yar airport has asked us to maintain altitude and fly in a pattern over Tim-Buck-Too.”

“Friend’s, I know you are all very tired and hungry and thirsty, but trying to break down my door is not going to help anybody. We should be getting the green light from Libby Yar at anytime now…”

“We will be permitted to land within the next hour. Please fasten your safety belts, and may the blessings of His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean be upon you all!”

“We are now on the ground at Libby Yar airport. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any room at the ramp, and we have been asked to wait out here until someone leaves. It should not take more than 40 or 50 minutes. Until then, please relax and watch the in-flight movie number 2 of our beloved Presi-Dunce’s recent visit to Eeeran, Meandmymaa and Shyna.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, here we are at the terminal, and I hope you enjoyed the maiden supersonic flight of BEANheen Air. I’m happy to announce we beat the previous record set by ChristoBean ColomBus when he crossed the Hatlantik in 1492 in the NeenaBean, the PintaBean and the SantamariaBean by 4 hours and 12 minutes.”

“Have a wonderful day, and don’t forget to tell your friends and relatives about BEANheen Air. Our motto as always is: We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight!

Jaya Hoo!

ETISALAT - Was never about you...Duh!

Sir NUT Jew Sorrya

Alivar Twistasingham by Charles Dickenspaksha

The room in which the former child soldiers were fed was quite large. Here the cook assisted by one or two women ladled the Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread at mealtimes. The bowls never wanted washing. The former child soldiers polished them with their spoons until they shone; and when they had performed this humanitarian operation, they would sit staring at the cook. Alivar Twistasingham and his companions suffered the tortures of slow starvation for three months due to the GSP+ concession having been withdrawn.

At last they got so voracious and wild with hunger that one former child soldier hinted darkly that unless he had a two-thirds majority of Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread, he might some night decide to go over to the opposition or maybe even eat the boy who slept next to him. He had a wild hungry eye and kept screaming ‘Maathroooboomeeyaa…’ in his sleep; and they implicitly believed him.

A council was held and votes were cast to find out who would walk up to the cook after dinner and ask for more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread. Due to a computer ‘Jilmart’ while counting the votes, the task fell upon Alivar. The evening arrived and the boys took their places. The Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread disappeared; the boys whispered ‘Maathroooboomeeyaa…’ to each other and winked at Alivar.

As he was desperate with hunger, he rose from the table and advanced towards the cook with his bowl and spoon in hand and said, “Please, sir, I want some more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.” The cook turned very pale, his assistants were paralysed with wonder and the boys with fear. “What!” Said the cook in a faint voice. “Please sir,” said Alivar, “I want some more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.”

The cook aimed a humanitarian blow at Alivar’s head with the ladle and shrieked aloud for the ‘Welfare Holiday Camp’ Commandant.

The Military Court was sitting in solemn conclave, when Commandant Bumblepaksha rushed into the room in great excitement and said, “I beg your pardon sirs! Alivar Twistasingham has asked for more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.” There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance. Alivar was ordered into instant confinement under the ‘Prevention Of Tourism’ Act, and a reward of 5 pounds was offered to anybody who could prove that Alivar was hatching an International Conspiracy to bring the ‘Welfare Holiday Camp’ into disrepute.

(To be continued no sooner than when the fundamental rights case filed by Alivar Twistasingham, against his unlawful arrest and confinement, naming the cook and Mr, Bumblepaksha as respondents is taken up for review by the Supreme Court).

Why not to vote!

You're only one in a million, so why bother to vote, to speak up, to get involved, to commit yourself? German author Hans Habe answers this way: "The world is one percent good, one percent bad, and 98 percent neutral, and this is why what individuals do is important.

In the case of Sri Lanka, there is a 69 percent vocal majority and a 31 percent powerless minority. And a situation where the President is elected only from the 69 percent vocal majority, and never from the 31 percent powerless minority!
Now the 64 million dollar question is, WHY VOTE when the henchmen and henchwomen of the Royal Family eventually SELECTS who WINS and who LOSES…and by how much they win by at the counting centres.

The only way forward is for this country to be once again administered by Britain or some other 1st world country. Until then, Sri Lanka will meander along as a 'Can't be developed country,' ruled by an oriental despot and his Royal Family of 300+.

Jathika Hela Urumaya Sex Laws

Here are some repressive laws designed to regulate private sexual conduct in Sri Lanka. These laws will come into effect the day the "Jathika Hela Urumaya" comes to power and Sri Lanka is turned into a "Dharma Raajya."


1) Couples found kissing under an umbrella will have their umbrella confiscated and their lips sealed with super glue for not less than a period of six months.

2) Perversion will be defined by law as any sexual act that requires enough energy to regenerate a self-winding wrist watch.

3) Any individual who has been convicted of bestiality or sodomy will be required by law to wear a dog collar while mixing in public.

4) It will be considered a felony with a five year jail term for exhibiting a vasectomy scar to any female other than your wife.

5) Any sexual act that "burns ones eyebrows or pubic hair, leaves the tip of one's nose bruised or results in bite marks to any part of one's anatomy will be considered a criminal offence.

6) A minimum of eight years rigorous imprisonment will be the punishment for any man convicted of weighing his genitals in mixed company.

7) A fine of Rupees 5000/- will be prescribed for anyone who tosses confetti in the air while reaching a sexual climax.

8) A gynaecologist's hands will be considered deadly weapons and will have to be registered like firearms with the police department.

9) Ten years imprisonment will be the punishment for anyone engaged in the manufacture, sale, distribution or use of contraceptives and aphrodisiacs.

10) Any orgasm that registers on a Richter scale will be considered a crime against nature and will be punishable by not more than six months of solitary confinement.

11) It will be unlawful to wear a purple shirt, a pink trouser and white shoes while seducing a fashion designers daughter.

12) Teenagers will be required to sleep with both hands cuffed to the bed posts until they reach marriageable age.

13) An unmarried man who is found performing oral sex in a shopping cart in any 'Sathosa' supermarket automatically becomes ineligible for food stamps.

14) It will be against the law for an unmarried woman to own, manage or work in a sperm bank.

15) Any woman who arouses herself with a vegetable or any foreign object will be hanged.

16) Any soldier who dies while having intercourse with a prostitute will not be buried in a military cemetery with full military honours.

17) The death penalty will be invoked on anyone who inflates a condom at a children's birthday party.

18) Any intercourse that doesn't result in pregnancy will be deemed unlawful.

19) Anyone convicted of having sexual relations with the dead will not be legally permitted to celebrate Halloween.

20) The removal of the price tag from a water bed will be considered a misdemeanour. The act automatically becomes a felony if one happens to be having intercourse on the water bed at that time.

The Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean Prayer

Our Presi-Dunce who art in Hotel de Temple Palace,

Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean be thy name,

Thy KingDumb come, thy election will be won,

And thy Royal Family of 300+ will be in 7th Heaven.

Give us this day a packet of rice, and a 500 rupee bribe,

And urge us to vote for you, as we voted for you in 2005.

And lead us not into inflation, but deliver us from international conspiracies,

For thine is the army, navy, air force and police,

And the judges and the jury,

And the power and the glory,

Forever and ever,

Amen and Jaya HOO!