I Have A Dream (with apologies to Martin Luther King)

I have a dream that one day Jilmart Island will rise up and live out the true meaning of MY Chinthanaya: "I PresiDunce Bean hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created subservient to Me, and my family of 300+."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of GeorgiJilmart, the sons of former Tourists and the sons of former Tourist Rehabilitators will be able to sit down together at the table of Jilmarthood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of MississippiWaikkal, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of One Family Rule.

I have a dream that my three sons Ipang, Opang and Japang will one day live in a nation where Jilmartians will be judged by their ties to MY Family and not be judged by the color of their skin or by the content of their character.

I have a dream today for tomorrow and another 2500 years and more! Ha…ha…ha…
I have a dream that one day, down in AlabamaWaikkal, with its humanitarian racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "Maathrooboomeyaa" and "One country One people" -- one day right there in AlabamaWaikkal little Tranquil boys and Tranquil girls will be able to join hands with little Jilmart boys and Jilmart girls as sisters and brothers of one father. That’s ME!

I have a dream today!

And if Jilmart Island is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the prodigious hilltops of New HampshireWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the mighty mountains of New YuckWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the heightening Allegheniesthotta of PennsylvaniaWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the snow-capped Rockies of ColoradoWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the curvaceous slopes of CaliforniaWaikkal.

And when this happens, when we allow ‘One Family Rule’ to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, from every government office we will be able to speed up that day when all of MY children, MY Family of 300+, MY henchmen, MY hangers on, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Jilmart spiritual:
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank Almighty PresiDunce Bean, We Are Free At Last!

Dear Percy (Advice to Phoney Colomboians from a Phony Non-Colomboian Presi-Dunce)

Dear Percy,
I’m tired of having the right kind of job. I’m tired of wearing the right kind of clothes and being seen in the right kind of places. I’m also tired of driving the right kind of vehicle. In other words, I’m sick of being a Phoney Colomboian. What can I do to change?
E.T.
Dear E.T.,
I suggest you quit your job, sell your vehicle and buy some second hand clothes. Then go and live in a “Welfare Holiday Camp” in WOWneeyar! In other words you can become a Phoney WOWneeyarn!



Dear Percy,
Whenever I go for a film festival at the Jewman Cultural Institute, I never know what’s going on. Afterwards, all my friends analyze and discuss the movie, but when they ask for my opinion, I just stand there looking like an idiot. Please help me!
M.R.

Dear M.R.,
Next time they ask, look misty eyed, sigh and say, “It was such a deep, meaningful and personal experience that I’d rather not discuss it!”



Dear Percy,
I have a problem. I am the mother of an 18 year old girl, and I have given her all the better things in life – designer clothes, a red Porsche, several credit cards and vacations in Shysterland, Toyland and Noisyland. But no matter how hard I try, she persists in wasting her time studying. She claims she wants to become a teacher and teach the young holiday makers living in “Welfare Holiday Camps” in WOWneeyar. Where have I failed her as a mother?
Mrs. F.K.

Dear Mrs. F.K.,
Don’t blame yourself. You did the best you could, and that’s all that counts. If she wants to ruin her life, let her.



Dear Percy,
When is it proper to shake with the right hand, and when is it proper to greet ‘Colomboian Style’ with both palms together in front of your face?
R.R.

Dear R.R.,
Although both palms together in front of your face is the traditional phoney greeting, you are mistaken in calling it the ‘Colomboian Style.’ The ‘Colomboian Style’ greeting for friends, enemies and total strangers alike is a hug and a kiss on both cheeks.




Dear Percy,
Last week I took a girl out to a fancy restaurant for dinner. When the bill came, I pulled out a huge roll of 2000 raypee notes and peeled off 4 notes and paid the bill. Since then she has refused to go out with me. Do you think I was too obvious in trying to impress her?
D.S.

Dear D.S.,
The trouble is, you didn’t impress her at all. Anyone who pays cash in a fancy restaurant must be on the verge of bankruptcy. When you take the next girl out for dinner, use a credit card.


Dear Percy,
Your column irritates me. Why should Colomboians want to be phonies? They should be real and honest like me. I Don’t want to be something I’m not. Nor do I desire things I cannot have. I have found true happiness in my wife and 8 children, and great satisfaction in my job as a simple security guard.
D.B.

Dear D.B.,
I admire you very much. Your argument shows that you are one of the biggest Phoney Colomboians who ever wrote to me. Have you ever thought of getting into politics?




Dear Percy,
I am engaged to a Colomboian who is a right royal phoney. I can’t believe a word he tells me, and his promises are worthless. What should I do?
A.C.

Dear A.C.,
Marry the guy immediately! He has the makings of a great Parleymutt. Who knows, if he is lucky, he might even become Presi-Dunce! I’m a living example of that.

A true story about a Member of Parliament!

This is a true transcript of an essay written by a Member of Parliament at the Parliamentarians English Exam (PEE). As many Parliamentarians failed it, PEE is not done in Parliament anymore.


The Sri Lanka Elefant

There is a three Sri Lanka elefants.
One is a home elefant.
Two is a val elefant.
Three is a UNP party animal.
The elefant has 4 leggs.
Elefant has long thrunk hanging between 2 white iworry tasks
some have on both side of hanging thrunk.
These iworry is very moneyful.
Some bad men rape the val elefant to get Iworry and sell for money.
Elefants like to eat banananas, bunns, gnana kathas, like that.
It like to drink milk and toddy two.
Like you and other people elefants send extra food out to the world from
the behind of the backside, at the back.
Elefants have tails.
This is to move the fly.
Some time elefant is moving tail this way that way but fly is not going out.
Elefant never forgets.
One storey I tell you, one day one man pulling elefants tail hard and run away.
You know no, how elefant.
50 years after pulling tail, man as died.
When the dead man is going to the kanatta our elefant is going near the
mini box and lifting his tail, do large dung and going away
an elefant very remember what man did know.
Elefants are vary istrong.
It can puss trees.
It pusses and pusses and the tree downfalls.
Elefant is conthrolled by mahout man.
Mahout man is using tall hooker to pull Elefants ear and he sometimes pulls Elefants leg also.
But Mahout man love Elefant and puts his bananana in Elefants mouth if he is good.
Zoo elefant can dunce.
Zoo Elefant can dunce and play his own organ.
It also can shit on its stool.
If you give money zoo elefant will take you for a ride down garden path.
Elefant is large gift to people of SriLanka.
We must look after our elefant, then we can use elefant to do things on the fields, in the jungle, in the zoo also then we can have lots of baby elefants.
Then we can ex-fort elefants to other cunttrees and be povertyless.