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The Idiot Island Children’s Book Of Parleymutting

Lesson 1
See the funny man.
His job is ‘Parleymutting.’
He is called a ‘Parleymutt.’
See the funny white outfit he is wearing.
It is called the ‘Fool the Idiots Outfit.’
See his funny moustache and the funny purple towel around his neck.
Hear his funny stomach churn.
Churn, churn, churn.
The funny Parleymutt has a funny ulcer.
Most funny Parleymutts have funny ulcers.
But some funny Parleymutts are lucky.
They do not have funny ulcers.
They have funny high blood pressure.

Lesson 2
See the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
The funny Parleymutt is lying to the funny tax paying idiots.
All funny Parleymutts lie to the funny tax paying idiots.
He is telling them to tighten their belts.
Tighten. Tighten. Tighten.
After his speech, the funny Parleymutt will give the funny tax paying idiots breakfast.
‘Koorakong Bread’ and ‘Colour Canda.’
Yum! Yum! Yum!

Lesson 3
See the pretty lake.
It is called the ‘Doyouwanna Lake.’
See the funny Parleymutts building in the middle of the pretty lake.
All the funny Parleymutts work there.
They say “Long Live The Gang Of Four!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
They say, “We will safeguard Democrazy!”
The bald Parleymutts with orange bed sheets wrapped around them say,
“We want a Dharmacrazy!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Don’t you wish YOU could speak like these funny Parleymutts?
You can.
You are almost seven now!

Lesson 4
See the funny Parleymutts building.
225 funny Parleymutts work there.
Let us count the 225 funny Parleymutts.
Count! Count! Count!
Hmmm! 200 funny Parleymutts are missing.
Naughty! Naughty! Naughty!
Where are the 200 funny Parleymutts now?
Holidaying in LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk.
Isn’t Parleymutting fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!
The funny tax paying idiots must have lost another billion or two of their tax money.

Lesson 5
See the funny man in glasses with the silly grin on his face.
He is the brother of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
He has made 132 people vanish today, by courtesy of WUFOs.
And it isn’t even lunchtime yet!
Vanish! Vanish! Vanish!
See the other two funny men standing next to him.
They will not be made to vanish today.
They are funny Parleymutts too.
They are the funny Parleymutt brothers of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
How lucky the funny tax paying people are.
Lucky! Lucky! Lucky!
Vote for one, and get ‘4 for the price of 1.’

Lesson 6
See the funny Parleymutt with the hair gel, beard and 2 mobile phones.
The funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck loves and trusts him.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Trust! Trust! Trust!
This funny Parleymutt does the marketing and he also washes the clothes of
the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck.
Marketing! Marketing! Marketing!
Wash! Wash! Wash!
Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
Parleymutting is hard work.
The funny tax paying people should be grateful for funny hard working Parleymutts like him.

Lesson 7
See the funny ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Funny Parleymutts have 1 or 2 funny ‘Cupboard Meetings’ a month.
But none on full moon days.
(Full moon days are reserved for catching ‘Permanent Rehabilitators of Cattle’
and ‘Liquor Salesman’).
They discuss everything at ‘Cupboard Meetings.’
At this ‘Cupboard Meeting’ they are discussing the drop in oil prices.
The funny tax paying idiots are still paying the old price for a litre of petrol.
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!
Soon the funny Parleymutts will make a BIG decision.
But not at this ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Maybe at the next ‘Cupboard Meeting’ that will be held in one month’s time.

Lesson 8
See the funny short Parleymutt Docter with the dark glasses.
He likes to re-arrange up T.V. Stations and steal cameras.
He studied only up to the 8th grade.
He can barely write his name.
But this is enough qualifications to become a funny Parleymutt on Idiot Island.
“Funny Parleymutt, why do you steal cameras and temporarily rehabilitate
jolly cameramen from private T.V. Stations?”
“Because they do not give happy endings to stories about me!”
“I like happy endings!”
Someday a jolly cameraman will hit him with a jolly camera, right on his jolly nut!
What a happy ending THAT will be!
Happy! Happy! Happy!

Lesson 9
Listen to the funny Peacekeeping Comedian talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Lie! Lie! Lie!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
“Is it true that 25,000 tourists were permanently rehabilitated and not a single
humanitarian peacekeeper was either permanently or partly rehabilitated?”
Of course! Of course! Of course!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
Grow! Grow! Grow!
“Funny Peacekeeping Comedian, when will the war end?”
There is no war, only a ‘Humanitarian Crusade!’
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Grow! Grow! Grow!
How nice it would be if the funny Peacekeeping Comedian’s
BRAIN would grow instead of his nose!

Lesson 10
See the funny tax-paying idiot.
He is the 8th wonder of the world.
He has a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He believes everything the funny Parleymutts tell him.
The funny Parleymutts T.V. channels and newspapers tell him what he likes to hear.
He believes he lives in the greatest country on Planet Mirth.
He believes he has the greatest culture and the best economy on Planet Mirth.
He believes that women from LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk,
will one-day work as housemaids in his country.
He also believes that pigs can fly and hell will one-day freeze over.
If this continues, the funny tax-paying idiot will become even more amazing.
He will no longer have a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He will have a 40-year-old body and a FIVE-year-old mind.

Dear Percy (Advice to Phoney Colomboians from a Phony Non-Colomboian Presi-Dunce)

Dear Percy,
I’m tired of having the right kind of job. I’m tired of wearing the right kind of clothes and being seen in the right kind of places. I’m also tired of driving the right kind of vehicle. In other words, I’m sick of being a Phoney Colomboian. What can I do to change?
E.T.
Dear E.T.,
I suggest you quit your job, sell your vehicle and buy some second hand clothes. Then go and live in a “Welfare Holiday Camp” in WOWneeyar! In other words you can become a Phoney WOWneeyarn!



Dear Percy,
Whenever I go for a film festival at the Jewman Cultural Institute, I never know what’s going on. Afterwards, all my friends analyze and discuss the movie, but when they ask for my opinion, I just stand there looking like an idiot. Please help me!
M.R.

Dear M.R.,
Next time they ask, look misty eyed, sigh and say, “It was such a deep, meaningful and personal experience that I’d rather not discuss it!”



Dear Percy,
I have a problem. I am the mother of an 18 year old girl, and I have given her all the better things in life – designer clothes, a red Porsche, several credit cards and vacations in Shysterland, Toyland and Noisyland. But no matter how hard I try, she persists in wasting her time studying. She claims she wants to become a teacher and teach the young holiday makers living in “Welfare Holiday Camps” in WOWneeyar. Where have I failed her as a mother?
Mrs. F.K.

Dear Mrs. F.K.,
Don’t blame yourself. You did the best you could, and that’s all that counts. If she wants to ruin her life, let her.



Dear Percy,
When is it proper to shake with the right hand, and when is it proper to greet ‘Colomboian Style’ with both palms together in front of your face?
R.R.

Dear R.R.,
Although both palms together in front of your face is the traditional phoney greeting, you are mistaken in calling it the ‘Colomboian Style.’ The ‘Colomboian Style’ greeting for friends, enemies and total strangers alike is a hug and a kiss on both cheeks.




Dear Percy,
Last week I took a girl out to a fancy restaurant for dinner. When the bill came, I pulled out a huge roll of 2000 raypee notes and peeled off 4 notes and paid the bill. Since then she has refused to go out with me. Do you think I was too obvious in trying to impress her?
D.S.

Dear D.S.,
The trouble is, you didn’t impress her at all. Anyone who pays cash in a fancy restaurant must be on the verge of bankruptcy. When you take the next girl out for dinner, use a credit card.


Dear Percy,
Your column irritates me. Why should Colomboians want to be phonies? They should be real and honest like me. I Don’t want to be something I’m not. Nor do I desire things I cannot have. I have found true happiness in my wife and 8 children, and great satisfaction in my job as a simple security guard.
D.B.

Dear D.B.,
I admire you very much. Your argument shows that you are one of the biggest Phoney Colomboians who ever wrote to me. Have you ever thought of getting into politics?




Dear Percy,
I am engaged to a Colomboian who is a right royal phoney. I can’t believe a word he tells me, and his promises are worthless. What should I do?
A.C.

Dear A.C.,
Marry the guy immediately! He has the makings of a great Parleymutt. Who knows, if he is lucky, he might even become Presi-Dunce! I’m a living example of that.

The Orwellian nightmare ‘1984’ is being recreated in Sri Lanka in 2009!

The passage given below is taken from George Orwell’s famous dystopian novel “1984.” (Part 2, chapter 9)

Given this background, one could infer, if one did not know it already, the general structure of Oceanic society. At the apex of the pyramid comes Big Brother. Big Brother is infallible and all-powerful. Every success, every achievement, every victory, every scientific discovery, all knowledge, all wisdom, all happiness, all virtue, are held to issue directly from his leadership and inspiration. Nobody has ever seen Big Brother. He is a face on the hoardings, a voice on the telescreen. We may be reasonably sure that he will never die, and there is already considerable uncertainty as to when he was born. Big Brother is the guise in which the Party chooses to exhibit itself to the world. His function is to act as a focusing point for love, fear, and reverence, emotions which are more easily felt towards an individual than towards an organization. Below Big Brother comes the Inner Party, its numbers limited to six millions, or something less than 2 per cent of the population of Oceania. Below the Inner Party comes the Outer Party, which, if the Inner Party is described as the brain of the State, may be justly likened to the hands. Below that come the dumb masses whom we habitually refer to as 'the proles', numbering perhaps 85 per cent of the population.

Those of you who have read the book and have been living in Sri Lanka for the past three years will understand the similarities between the passage given above and what is happening in Sri Lanka today. For those who may have not read the book, just reread the passage given below with the changes I have made. (My changes are in capital letters).

Given this background, one could infer, if one did not know it already, the general structure of SRI LANKAN SOCIETY. At the apex of the pyramid comes MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA. MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA is infallible and all-powerful. Every success, every achievement, every victory, every scientific discovery, all knowledge, all wisdom, all happiness, all virtue, are held to issue directly from his leadership and inspiration. Nobody has ever seen MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA. He is a face on the hoardings, a voice on the RUPAVAHINI. We may be reasonably sure that he will never die, and there is already considerable uncertainty as to when he was born. MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA is the guise in which the UPFA chooses to exhibit itself to the world. His function is to act as a focusing point for love, fear, and reverence, emotions which are more easily felt towards an individual than towards an organization. Below MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA comes the PARTY SUPPORTERS, FAMILY MEMBERS & HANGERS ON its numbers limited to six millions, or something less than 2 per cent of the population of SRI LANKA. Below the PARTY SUPPORTERS, FAMILY MEMBERS & HANGERS ON comes the BUDDHIST CLERGY, which, if the PARTY SUPPORTERS, FAMILY MEMBERS & HANGERS ON are described as the brain of the State, may be justly likened to the hands. Below that come the dumb masses whom we habitually refer to as ‘THE SINHALA BUDDHIST MAJORITY,’ numbering perhaps 85 per cent of the population.

This is the sad state that this beautiful country has fallen to. To understand more read the full book. It can be read online by clicking on the following link,

http://www.literaturecollection.com/a/orwell/1984/1/