Que Sera “The Yarn” (sung to the tune of “Que Sera Sera”)

When “The Yarn” was just a little boy
He asked his mother, what will I be?
Will I be a “UI”, will I be a “Dr.”
Here's what she said to him.

Que Sera “The Yarn”

Whatever “MR” want’s will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera “The Yarn”
What “MR” want’s will be.

When “The Yarn” was young, he joined V.Perumal,
And asked V.Perumal what lies ahead?
Will we have a separate state, day after day
Here's what V.Perumal said.

Que Sera “The Yarn”
Whatever “VP” want’s will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera “The Yarn”
What “VP” want’s will be.

Now “The Yarn” lectures idiots through “groundviews,”
They ask “The Yarn”, what will life be?
Will we be the “ASSchariya Rai of Asia?” Will we be rich?
He tells them tenderly. (Using some “The Yarn” Speak)

Que Sera, paradigm shift...semantics and neo-patrimonialism...
physical persuasion... psychological deterrent...zero casualties...Sera
whatever the “Neo-Patriarch MR” want’s will be,
The future's “MRs”, to see
Que Sera, paradigm shift...semantics and neo-patrimonialism...
physical persuasion... psychological deterrent...zero casualties...Sera
What “MR” want’s will be.


Ps: UI stands for “Useful Idiots” http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/documentaries/2010/07/100624_doc_useful_idiots_lenin.shtml
MR stands for “U NO HOO”
And for any thing else...check my blog http://srilankalandoftheblind.blogspot.com/


"Dr." The Yarn...when we were young we respected people like you and Dr. Rajiva
Wijesinghe...is MR better than JR?

The Killer Inside ME (2010)

Based on the novel by legendary pulp writer Jilmart Thompsonpaksha, Michael Winterbottompaksha's, 'The Killer Inside ME' tells the story of smarmy looking small town ParleyMutt Percy 'Jilmart' Bean, who comes in contact with a prostitute in his capacity of "Cartetaker" of 'Jilmart Island.'

It turns out to be a very unexpected and violent encounter. Percy 'Jilmart' Bean has a bunch of problems. Megalomania problems. Abduction problems. Dynastic Problems. Zero Casualtiy Problems. An ever-growing pile of murder victims in his HumBug TOTO jurisdiction. And the fact he's a sadist, a psychopath, a killer. We learn how he dispatches several journalists'and thousand of unarmed civilians. Suspicion begins to fall on Percy 'Jilmart' Bean, and it's only a matter of time before he runs out of alibis. But in Percy 'Jilmart' Bean's savage, bleak, blacker than noir 'ASSchariya Rai Universe' nothing is ever what it seems and it turns out that the investigators from "THE UNITED BANKERS" pursuing him might have a secret of their own. Especially chief investigator Mr. Banking BOOM. You should expect the unexpected all along through out this story until the very end.

DIRECTED BY
Michael Winterbottompaksa

PRODUCED BY
Chris Hanleypaksa
Bradford L. Schleipaksa
Andrew Eatonpaksa

CAST
Percy 'Jilmart' Bean
Kate Hudson
Jessica Alba

Obama watches me on Jilmart TV

Whither goest thou Sri Lanka?

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." – from Hamlet, William Shakespeare; Act II, scene ii

Unfortunately in Sri Lanka, a majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that this country belongs only to them, while the Muslim, Tamils and Christian minorities should be seen and not heard!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that they are the greatest race on earth with the greatest culture and language in the world!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that this country can become the “ASSchariya Rai” of Asia, even though countries like Japan, Singapore, Korea, Malaysia, China etc. are far ahead of us, and we would have to go past them to become the “ASSchariya Rai” of Asia!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that we can become the most developed country in Asia, simply by continuing to be an agricultural country!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that pigs will one day fly, hell will freeze over someday soon, and western women will one day work as ‘housemaids’ in Sri Lanka. (That is once we become the “ASSchariya Rai” of Asia).

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that ‘One Family Rule,’ is better than Democracy!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that Sri Lanka is the most Democratic country in the world, where ‘Wars’ are called ‘Humanitarian Operations,’ with ‘Zero Casualties,’ to civilians!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that just because they are a numerical majority, they can ride rough shod over the minorities and tell them what they should eat and drink and what is the permissible culture and language for the minorities, irrespective of the fact that minorities have their own culture and language!

Now the 64,000 dollar question is, Is there a way forward?

The answer is: Only if the majority is rehabilitated to think differently! If that can be done. There will be real peace and development; and not the ‘kind of a peace’ and a ‘kind of development’ (where most of the money goes into the pockets of the ruling family). THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING TODAY!

Quo vadis?

Whither goest thou Sri Lanka?

Come to Malboro Country - The Land of Zero Casualties

The Idiot Island Children’s Book Of Parleymutting

Lesson 1
See the funny man.
His job is ‘Parleymutting.’
He is called a ‘Parleymutt.’
See the funny white outfit he is wearing.
It is called the ‘Fool the Idiots Outfit.’
See his funny moustache and the funny purple towel around his neck.
Hear his funny stomach churn.
Churn, churn, churn.
The funny Parleymutt has a funny ulcer.
Most funny Parleymutts have funny ulcers.
But some funny Parleymutts are lucky.
They do not have funny ulcers.
They have funny high blood pressure.

Lesson 2
See the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
The funny Parleymutt is lying to the funny tax paying idiots.
All funny Parleymutts lie to the funny tax paying idiots.
He is telling them to tighten their belts.
Tighten. Tighten. Tighten.
After his speech, the funny Parleymutt will give the funny tax paying idiots breakfast.
‘Koorakong Bread’ and ‘Colour Canda.’
Yum! Yum! Yum!

Lesson 3
See the pretty lake.
It is called the ‘Doyouwanna Lake.’
See the funny Parleymutts building in the middle of the pretty lake.
All the funny Parleymutts work there.
They say “Long Live The Gang Of Four!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
They say, “We will safeguard Democrazy!”
The bald Parleymutts with orange bed sheets wrapped around them say,
“We want a Dharmacrazy!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Don’t you wish YOU could speak like these funny Parleymutts?
You can.
You are almost seven now!

Lesson 4
See the funny Parleymutts building.
225 funny Parleymutts work there.
Let us count the 225 funny Parleymutts.
Count! Count! Count!
Hmmm! 200 funny Parleymutts are missing.
Naughty! Naughty! Naughty!
Where are the 200 funny Parleymutts now?
Holidaying in LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk.
Isn’t Parleymutting fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!
The funny tax paying idiots must have lost another billion or two of their tax money.

Lesson 5
See the funny man in glasses with the silly grin on his face.
He is the brother of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
He has made 132 people vanish today, by courtesy of WUFOs.
And it isn’t even lunchtime yet!
Vanish! Vanish! Vanish!
See the other two funny men standing next to him.
They will not be made to vanish today.
They are funny Parleymutts too.
They are the funny Parleymutt brothers of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
How lucky the funny tax paying people are.
Lucky! Lucky! Lucky!
Vote for one, and get ‘4 for the price of 1.’

Lesson 6
See the funny Parleymutt with the hair gel, beard and 2 mobile phones.
The funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck loves and trusts him.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Trust! Trust! Trust!
This funny Parleymutt does the marketing and he also washes the clothes of
the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck.
Marketing! Marketing! Marketing!
Wash! Wash! Wash!
Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
Parleymutting is hard work.
The funny tax paying people should be grateful for funny hard working Parleymutts like him.

Lesson 7
See the funny ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Funny Parleymutts have 1 or 2 funny ‘Cupboard Meetings’ a month.
But none on full moon days.
(Full moon days are reserved for catching ‘Permanent Rehabilitators of Cattle’
and ‘Liquor Salesman’).
They discuss everything at ‘Cupboard Meetings.’
At this ‘Cupboard Meeting’ they are discussing the drop in oil prices.
The funny tax paying idiots are still paying the old price for a litre of petrol.
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!
Soon the funny Parleymutts will make a BIG decision.
But not at this ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Maybe at the next ‘Cupboard Meeting’ that will be held in one month’s time.

Lesson 8
See the funny short Parleymutt Docter with the dark glasses.
He likes to re-arrange up T.V. Stations and steal cameras.
He studied only up to the 8th grade.
He can barely write his name.
But this is enough qualifications to become a funny Parleymutt on Idiot Island.
“Funny Parleymutt, why do you steal cameras and temporarily rehabilitate
jolly cameramen from private T.V. Stations?”
“Because they do not give happy endings to stories about me!”
“I like happy endings!”
Someday a jolly cameraman will hit him with a jolly camera, right on his jolly nut!
What a happy ending THAT will be!
Happy! Happy! Happy!

Lesson 9
Listen to the funny Peacekeeping Comedian talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Lie! Lie! Lie!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
“Is it true that 25,000 tourists were permanently rehabilitated and not a single
humanitarian peacekeeper was either permanently or partly rehabilitated?”
Of course! Of course! Of course!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
Grow! Grow! Grow!
“Funny Peacekeeping Comedian, when will the war end?”
There is no war, only a ‘Humanitarian Crusade!’
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Grow! Grow! Grow!
How nice it would be if the funny Peacekeeping Comedian’s
BRAIN would grow instead of his nose!

Lesson 10
See the funny tax-paying idiot.
He is the 8th wonder of the world.
He has a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He believes everything the funny Parleymutts tell him.
The funny Parleymutts T.V. channels and newspapers tell him what he likes to hear.
He believes he lives in the greatest country on Planet Mirth.
He believes he has the greatest culture and the best economy on Planet Mirth.
He believes that women from LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk,
will one-day work as housemaids in his country.
He also believes that pigs can fly and hell will one-day freeze over.
If this continues, the funny tax-paying idiot will become even more amazing.
He will no longer have a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He will have a 40-year-old body and a FIVE-year-old mind.

I Have A Dream (with apologies to Martin Luther King)

I have a dream that one day Jilmart Island will rise up and live out the true meaning of MY Chinthanaya: "I PresiDunce Bean hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created subservient to Me, and my family of 300+."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of GeorgiJilmart, the sons of former Tourists and the sons of former Tourist Rehabilitators will be able to sit down together at the table of Jilmarthood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of MississippiWaikkal, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of One Family Rule.

I have a dream that my three sons Ipang, Opang and Japang will one day live in a nation where Jilmartians will be judged by their ties to MY Family and not be judged by the color of their skin or by the content of their character.

I have a dream today for tomorrow and another 2500 years and more! Ha…ha…ha…
I have a dream that one day, down in AlabamaWaikkal, with its humanitarian racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "Maathrooboomeyaa" and "One country One people" -- one day right there in AlabamaWaikkal little Tranquil boys and Tranquil girls will be able to join hands with little Jilmart boys and Jilmart girls as sisters and brothers of one father. That’s ME!

I have a dream today!

And if Jilmart Island is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the prodigious hilltops of New HampshireWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the mighty mountains of New YuckWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the heightening Allegheniesthotta of PennsylvaniaWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the snow-capped Rockies of ColoradoWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the curvaceous slopes of CaliforniaWaikkal.

And when this happens, when we allow ‘One Family Rule’ to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, from every government office we will be able to speed up that day when all of MY children, MY Family of 300+, MY henchmen, MY hangers on, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Jilmart spiritual:
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank Almighty PresiDunce Bean, We Are Free At Last!

Dear Percy (Advice to Phoney Colomboians from a Phony Non-Colomboian Presi-Dunce)

Dear Percy,
I’m tired of having the right kind of job. I’m tired of wearing the right kind of clothes and being seen in the right kind of places. I’m also tired of driving the right kind of vehicle. In other words, I’m sick of being a Phoney Colomboian. What can I do to change?
E.T.
Dear E.T.,
I suggest you quit your job, sell your vehicle and buy some second hand clothes. Then go and live in a “Welfare Holiday Camp” in WOWneeyar! In other words you can become a Phoney WOWneeyarn!



Dear Percy,
Whenever I go for a film festival at the Jewman Cultural Institute, I never know what’s going on. Afterwards, all my friends analyze and discuss the movie, but when they ask for my opinion, I just stand there looking like an idiot. Please help me!
M.R.

Dear M.R.,
Next time they ask, look misty eyed, sigh and say, “It was such a deep, meaningful and personal experience that I’d rather not discuss it!”



Dear Percy,
I have a problem. I am the mother of an 18 year old girl, and I have given her all the better things in life – designer clothes, a red Porsche, several credit cards and vacations in Shysterland, Toyland and Noisyland. But no matter how hard I try, she persists in wasting her time studying. She claims she wants to become a teacher and teach the young holiday makers living in “Welfare Holiday Camps” in WOWneeyar. Where have I failed her as a mother?
Mrs. F.K.

Dear Mrs. F.K.,
Don’t blame yourself. You did the best you could, and that’s all that counts. If she wants to ruin her life, let her.



Dear Percy,
When is it proper to shake with the right hand, and when is it proper to greet ‘Colomboian Style’ with both palms together in front of your face?
R.R.

Dear R.R.,
Although both palms together in front of your face is the traditional phoney greeting, you are mistaken in calling it the ‘Colomboian Style.’ The ‘Colomboian Style’ greeting for friends, enemies and total strangers alike is a hug and a kiss on both cheeks.




Dear Percy,
Last week I took a girl out to a fancy restaurant for dinner. When the bill came, I pulled out a huge roll of 2000 raypee notes and peeled off 4 notes and paid the bill. Since then she has refused to go out with me. Do you think I was too obvious in trying to impress her?
D.S.

Dear D.S.,
The trouble is, you didn’t impress her at all. Anyone who pays cash in a fancy restaurant must be on the verge of bankruptcy. When you take the next girl out for dinner, use a credit card.


Dear Percy,
Your column irritates me. Why should Colomboians want to be phonies? They should be real and honest like me. I Don’t want to be something I’m not. Nor do I desire things I cannot have. I have found true happiness in my wife and 8 children, and great satisfaction in my job as a simple security guard.
D.B.

Dear D.B.,
I admire you very much. Your argument shows that you are one of the biggest Phoney Colomboians who ever wrote to me. Have you ever thought of getting into politics?




Dear Percy,
I am engaged to a Colomboian who is a right royal phoney. I can’t believe a word he tells me, and his promises are worthless. What should I do?
A.C.

Dear A.C.,
Marry the guy immediately! He has the makings of a great Parleymutt. Who knows, if he is lucky, he might even become Presi-Dunce! I’m a living example of that.

New TIME magazine with Merv the Perv on its cover

Headlines that could appear in Sri Lankan Newspapers in 2050AD

President Namal Rajapaksa tells NDTV that the LTTE will be completely defeated by the end of the year!

Prime Minister of India, Rahul Gandhi said at a press conference that India does not support the LTTE, and that there are no LTTE camps on Indian soil.

Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior, Supreme Leader of the LTTE, vows to use two 15 kiloton nuclear devices obtained from North Korea in populated Sinhala areas if a separate state of Eelam is not granted by the Government of Rajapaksa (GOR).

The great pyramid housing the mummified remains of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, father of present President Namal Rajapaksa was completely destroyed by LTTE jets!

The sacred ‘Satakaya’ once worn by the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, which is said to hold magical powers has been secreted away from the Dalada Maligawa to an undisclosed location for safe keeping!

Wimal Weerawansa, former lapdog of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa passed away after a brief illness in Disneyland America. The remains will be cremated and buried in Cuba next to the grave of Fidel Castro!

DNA evidence proves beyond a doubt that the former Supreme Leader of the LTTE, Velupillai Prabahakaran was the biological father of present LTTE leader Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior.

The International Criminal Court convicts Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, Gotabaya Rajapaksa and General Sarath Fonseka, (all three who are now deceased) for being responsible for the deaths of over 20,000 Tamil civilians during the final stages of the war against the LTTE, 41 years ago.

The Great Wall of Sri Lanka, which was built in 2012AD, across the north of Sri Lanka to prevent LTTE rebels from crossing over to the south, is the only man made structure that can be seen from outer space, said Urine Gagarine Rajapaksa, the first Sri Lankan astronaut to orbit the earth!

The Jathika Hela Urumaya requests all patriotic Sinhala Buddhists not to vote for UNP Presidential Candidate, Barakamesh Hobarmysingham (a Tamil), because he vows to devolve maximum powers to the minorities in the north and east, and in doing so, bring to an end the 100 year conflict between the Sinhalese and the Tamils.

The yearly pilgrimage to the graves of Military Comedian Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara and Government Comedian Keheliya Rambukwella, who kept audiences worldwide in stitches with their daily utterances and tall stories about Eelam War IV, over 40 years ago, will not be held this year due to security reasons, said Charlie Chaplin Rajapaksa, the spokesman for "The Clowns and Comedians Worldwide Association."

President Namal Rajapaksa promised the 3,00,000 refugees who were displaced due to the war, 41 years ago, that he would re-settle them after the LTTE was completely defeated!

Cabraal Nivaad Ajith, Central Bank Governor and son of former Governor, (the late Ajith Nivaad Cabraal) said that the 2.6 billion US$ loan that Sri Lanka requested from the IMF in 2009, would be received in the near future.

95 year old Jathika Hela Urumaya monk, Athuruliye Rathna Thero told journalists that the only way "Mathata Thitha," the complete eradication of alcohol and drugs from society would succeed was, if society was completely eradicated. He further stated that a special bill on how this could be done would be presented to parliament in the near future.

BEANheen Air – We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight

“Good day, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BEANheen Air. This is your captain speaking. I am happy to announce that this is the first supersonic flight undertaken by BEANheen Air from Idiot Island to Libby Yar. We will be flying at an altitude of 90,000 feet and a speed of 1800km per hour. Our flying time from Idiot Island to Libby Yar will be 2 hours and 45 minutes.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know you are wondering why we have been waiting to take off for over 2 hours. Unfortunately, His
Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has been held up in traffic. We will be taking off as soon as she gets on board. In the mean time you are kindly requested to watch the in-flight movie of our beloved Presi-Dunce and his Royal Family of 300+ on their recent visit to LunDumb, Parish and NooYuk.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has finally got on board. We have now been cleared for take off. I apologize for the 6 hour delay at the runway. The stewardesses will now serve you Kurakang bread and Kola Kenda.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have broken some sort of record. Our flying time to Libby Yar was 2 hours and 31 minutes. Unfortunately there are many planes circling the airport, and we have been asked to fly over the Sha-Ha-Raa desert and hold there at 65,000 feet.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, since I last spoke to you, 90 minutes ago, I regret the Libby Yar airport has asked us to maintain altitude and fly in a pattern over Tim-Buck-Too.”

“Friend’s, I know you are all very tired and hungry and thirsty, but trying to break down my door is not going to help anybody. We should be getting the green light from Libby Yar at anytime now…”

“We will be permitted to land within the next hour. Please fasten your safety belts, and may the blessings of His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean be upon you all!”

“We are now on the ground at Libby Yar airport. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any room at the ramp, and we have been asked to wait out here until someone leaves. It should not take more than 40 or 50 minutes. Until then, please relax and watch the in-flight movie number 2 of our beloved Presi-Dunce’s recent visit to Eeeran, Meandmymaa and Shyna.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, here we are at the terminal, and I hope you enjoyed the maiden supersonic flight of BEANheen Air. I’m happy to announce we beat the previous record set by ChristoBean ColomBus when he crossed the Hatlantik in 1492 in the NeenaBean, the PintaBean and the SantamariaBean by 4 hours and 12 minutes.”

“Have a wonderful day, and don’t forget to tell your friends and relatives about BEANheen Air. Our motto as always is: We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight!

Jaya Hoo!