Showing posts with label humour about the war in sri lanka. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour about the war in sri lanka. Show all posts

March 16, 2009

I Laughed Aloud Twice When I Heard About The Attack On The Sri Lankan Cricket Team





Yes, I laughed aloud twice when I heard that a gang of armed men in Lahore, Pakistan had attacked the Sri Lankan cricket team.

I laughed not because I was a fan of the Pakistan, Australian and South African teams, and not a fan of the Sri Lankan team; but because some years back when the Australian team refused to tour Sri Lanka due to the unstable situation in the country, and the South African team cut their tour short after a bomb blast in Colombo, the blind patriots and cricket pundits in the country started taking pot shots at the Australians and the South Africans. To them, bomb blasts and violence was as natural as the plain tea and rice they had everyday. If you happened to die from a bomb blast, it was due to fate and something beyond your control. And God have mercy on the country or individual who said that Sri Lanka was not a safe country. The wrath of the majority would be turned against that country or individual.

The second reason I laughed was because, even after India had done a threat assessment and decided that it was not safe for its cricket team to travel to Pakistan; and even after the Mini World Cup had been cancelled in Pakistan by the ICC after another threat assessment had been done, the SL Cricket Board and the SL Government thumbed their noses at the ICC and India and decided to tour Pakistan. The result was the attack on the SL Cricketers, and if not for a brave Pakistani driver, there might have been a bigger disaster than what took place.

I wonder who is laughing now? Most probably the South Africans and the Australians along with Shane Warne who were vilified in the local press a few years ago.
There were probably two reasons that the SL Cricket Board and the SL Government agreed to tour Pakistan. In the case of the SL Cricket Board it was for monetary reasons, and in the case of the SL Government, it was to thank the Pakistani Government for selling them arms to fight the LTTE and the Tamils. It looks like the SL Cricket Board was only thinking of filling its empty coffers, and the SL Government was willing to put its cricketers at risk to curry favour with the Pakistani’s and snub India (who incidentally don’t sell offensive weapons to Sri Lanka).

There seemed to be quite an outpouring of shock and grief in Sri Lanka over what the cricketers had to endure in Pakistan. The irony and the hypocrisy of it all is that non of these very same people seem to give two hoots about the hundreds of Tamil civilians who are being killed and wounded in the north due to the bombings by the SL armed forces. One can only imagine the hue and cry that would have been raised if even one Sinhalese cricketer had been killed in the attack. So far the SL Government hasn’t directly blamed the LTTE for the attack like it does in Sri Lanka for anything that happens from the lack of rain, to the increase of petrol prices to the killings of editors, journalists and burning of television stations. They have also not called the attack ‘An International Conspiracy to tarnish the image of the Government’ like they have done in the recent past.

What nobody knows is whether the attack on the SL cricketers by an unidentified Jihadists group, could have been a ‘proxy attack’ on behalf of the LTTE or the Government of India. In the case of the LTTE it could have been in revenge for the killing of Tamil civilians from incessant shelling and multi barrel rocket attacks by the SL Government, and in the case of India, it could be in revenge for the Mumbai attacks, which were planned in Pakistan. This is mere speculation, but anything is possible in this wonderful world we live in today.

One good thing that may come out of the attack is that in future if countries like Australia, South Africa, England or New Zealand decide to cancel a tour due to security reasons, countries like Sri Lanka will think twice before trying to vilify those countries. People in the above mentioned countries value the lives of their citizens more than in third world countries like Sri Lanka. If such an attack, which occurred against the SL cricket team, happened to any of the teams of the above-mentioned countries, heads would have rolled and people responsible for organising the tour would have voluntarily resigned. But in Sri Lanka, its business as usual with bribery, corruption and kickbacks from arms deals going full speed ahead.

If there was money to be made, the SL Cricket Board would organize a tour to even the North Pole, and the SL Government would send the cricket team to Somalia or Afghanistan if those countries were willing to sell them arms and ammunition to fight the LTTE and the Tamils.

The way things look at the moment it’s more than likely that the 2011 World Cup will be held in Australia and New Zealand. As long as maximum power is not devolved to the Tamils of Sri Lanka, as long as India does not give autonomy to the Kashmir population, and as long as various Jihadist groups operate in Pakistan, there is going to be security threats to all cricket teams that tour these countries. Future cricket tours will probably take place in neutral venues like Dubai and Abu Dhabi, and Asia wont be able to host a World Cup for a very long time. Like they say, its better to be safe than sorry. (Thank God for Cable TV).


ps: A story doing the rounds is that the attack on the SL cricketers targeting players like Sangakara, Mahela, Samaraweera and Vaas was masterminded by Sanath Jayasuriya so that there would be no one left to appoint as captain except for himself, is nothing but a malicious rumour. Also the targeting of Tharanga Parnavithana who may have been a threat to Jayasuriya’s slot as an opening batsman is also just another rumour.
“No such rumours or attacks will deter me from playing until the 2039 World Cup,” said Sanath Jayasuriya when questioned by a reporter.

INTERESTING BOOKS THAT MAY NEVER EVER BE PUBLISHED




"I Was The First Tamil President of Sri Lanka" by Barakamesh Obamasingham.

"An advanced guide to Hedging” by Ashantha de Mel.

"The Mihin Air Miracle” by Sir Richard Branson with a forward by Hon.Sajin Vaas

"Lap Dog Millionaire" by Wimal Weerawansa.

"Mahinda is the one God & Gotabaya is his Prophet" by A.H.M. Fowzie & Alavi Moulana.

"The Mahinda Chinthanaya in comparison to the Tripitaka, Bible, Koran & Rig Veda" by Champika Ranawaka & Udaya Gamanpillai.

"Attaining Nirvana Through The Mahinda Chinthanaya" by Dr.Rajitha Senaratne.

"Humanitarian War & How I Solved The Unemployment Problem In Sri Lanka" by Mahinda Rajapaksa.

"Join the Army and loose a leg" by a disabled soldier.

"Fighting for Peace is like F**king for Virginity" by Kumar Rupasinghe.

"Eat, Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow is Poya" by Athuriliye Rathna Thero.

"War Lord Millionaires" by the Rajapaksa Brothers.

"If at first you don’t ‘Secede’ try and try again" by Vellupillai Prabahakaran.

"Doctor Hoo – My Rupavahini Debacle" by Dr.Mervin Silva.

"Round the world in 365 days" by Rohitha Bogollagama.

"The War On Tourism – How to bully tourists into visiting Sri Lanka" by Milinda Moragoda.

"Seaside Bummers" by a former child soldier, now a child prostitute in Hikkaduwa.

"The Art of Indiscriminate War – Having fun with cluster bombs & multi barrel rockets" by General Sarath Fonseka, with a forward by Sun Tzu.

"Holidaying in NO Fire Zones & Welfare Holiday Camps" by a Tamil civilian.

"Mettha, Muditha, Karuna, Upeksha & Pillayan" by Karuna, Upeksha Swarnamali & Pillayan.

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" by Gotabaya Rajapaksa, General Sarath Fonseka and the Jathika Hela Urumaya.

"The Greatest President That Never Ruled Sri Lanka" an Autobiography by Ranil Wickramasinghe.

"War without casualties, low flying satellites and other tall stories" by Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara.

"Headlines & Deadlines – Popular April Fools Predictions" by Keheliya Rambukwella.

"NO BALLS & WIDES – A Complete Guide To Fast Bowling" by Dilhara Fernando.

"ALL MY BALLS WERE YORKERS" an Autobiography by Chaminda Vaas.

"THE BOYS PLAYED PRETTY WELL" an Autobiography by Arjuna Ranatunga.

"Captaincy and the 2039 World Cup" by Sanath Jayasuriya.

"Chucking For Wickets" by Muttiah Muralitharan.

"HOW MANY MORE FINAL BATTLES?" by a Gullible Sri Lankan.

"The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth" by Roopa Vaahinee & Daley Noise with a forward by Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara & Keheliya Rabukwella.

"Lies, Damned Lies & Statistics" by Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara, Ajith Nivaard Cabraal & Keheliya Rabukwella.

"Gullible Sri Lankans & Swiss Bank Accounts " by Sakvithi Ranasinghe & Mahinda Rajapaksa.

"Neutral Umpiring " by Kumar Darmasena & Gamini Silva with a forward by B.C.Cooray.

"Alien Abductions & Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects" by Gotabaya Rajapaksa & General Sarath Fonseka.

"The Four Brothers of the Apocalypse" by Rajapaksa and his Righteous Brothers.

February 25, 2009

Mister Rogerproxys Monty Barren Lockets and Custard Buns (a tribute to Lasantha Wickramatunge)


The short satire that appears below is a tribute to Lasantha Wickramatunge, who was killed by the attack dogs of cowards who could not stomach the truth. I did not know him personally, but I admired his fearless reporting and enjoyed reading his many exposes about corruption in the government and the military. Terrorism in Sri Lanka raised its head in the 1970s and again in the 1980s and has continued unabated since. But state sponsored terrorism has plagued this country since independence. State repression by various governments has been the cause for most of the country’s ills since 1948. When State Terrorism is defeated, other forms of terrorism will die a natural death. While thinking of the depths this country has sunk to since independence, I was reminded of George Orwell’s famous novel “1984.” The characters in his novel were lucky in that they had to contend with only one villain who was called “Big Brother.” But the unfortunate people of this country have to contend with a “Quadrumvirate of Brothers” and their armed goons. Let us sincerely hope that this “Autocratic Theocratic Dictatorship” that we live in today, will someday soon become a “Democratic Republic” where each one of us is guaranteed the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Mister Rogerproxys Monty Barren Lockets and Custard Buns

Idiot Island on Planet Mirth (2016 AD):

The Global Recession on Planet Mirth has reached an all time low. Foreign exchange has dwindled to a trickle and Idiot Island is on the verge of bankruptcy due to a long drawn out ‘Humanitarian War’ that has entered it’s 35th year. The Dictatorship decides to take the bull by the horns and makes drastic cost cuts in all its ministries.
The four telephone operators at the Dictators Palace are the first to be laid off, and the hotline is taken over by the Foreign Ministers 10-year-old niece who had arrived on the Island for the Christmas holidays from the Peoples Autocratic Dictatorship of Shyna.

“Hello, operator! Have there been any messages for me?”
“Just a minute, let me check…er…no nothing here. Oh wait here’s one. It’s from a Mr.Prebio…a Mr.Prebiocarrom. He says…”
“Prebiocarrom? Are you sure its…”
“Yes, Prebiocarrom, that’s right. The message is…”
“But I don’t know any Mr.Prebiocarrom!”
“Yes, its Prebiocarrom. Let me spell it out for you. P-R-E-B-I-O-C-A-R-R-O-M. Do you want the message or don’t you? I’ve got other calls here and I’m all alone at the switch board as the other four girls have been laid off!”
“What is the message?”
“It says you are to remove your monty barren lockets and custard buns from Killernoosee by…”
“Monty barren lockets and custard buns? Are you sure it says monty barren lockets and custard buns?”
“Yes, that’s what the message says. Why, don’t you have any monty barren lockets and custard buns in Killernoosee?”
“Are you certain…maybe you made a mistake?”
“No…let me spell it out for you…its M-O-N-T-Y B-A-R-R-E-N L-O-C-K-E-T-S
and C-U-S-T-A-R-D B-U-N-S…to be removed from K-I-L-L-E-R-N-O-O-S-E-E. He wants you to remove them by…by…tossday…or is it thosayday, I can’t make it out. One of the other girls took down the message before she was laid off. Anyway he wants you to remove them from Killernoosee either by toosday or thosayday or something or the other, otherwise he’s going to…”
“Yes? Otherwise he’s going to what?”
“Can you hold on, I’ve got another call.”
“Hello? Operator? Hello? Hello?”
“Oh, hello! Thank you for…for holding Mister Rogerproxy…”
“Roger who? Oh, never mind…could you please just read the rest of the message?”
“It says you are to remove your monty barren lockets and custard buns from Killernoosee by tossday or thosayday or whatever or he will bum Koolumber into smitheroons!”
“Oh shoot! I’m sorry!”
“Sorry for what?”
“This message isn’t for you Mister Rogerproxy. It’s for a Mister Goatproxy.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s for a Mister Goatproxy. That’s what it says. I didn’t take the message my self. It was taken by one of the other girls. I guess it just got into your inbox by mistake. Sorry. No messages for you today, Mister Rogerproxy. Have a nice day! Byeeee!

Interview with a Comedian


Idiot Island-Planet Mirth, Thosaday 2016 (44.34 GMT):



Idiot Island- - Planet Mirth ( 2016 AD)

Christianne AmanPourmeacupoftea of See & End interviews Military Comedian Brigadiar Youliar Peenorkeeyokaara (Who will henceforth be known as Brig YP) to find out the latest news about the quarter of a million Tranquil tribes people holidaying in the Fullofthieves jungle in the north of Idiot Island.
The Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium (Who will henceforth be known as Tranquil Tourists) have been fighting for a separate Tranquil Tourist Resort for the past thirty years on Idiot Island.

See & End: Brig YP, is it true that several Tranquil tribes people have caught cold, bronchitis and pneumonia and some have died due to the heavy rain showers that your Humanitarian forces have directed towards the Fullofthieves jungle?

Brig YP: That’s a lie. It does not rain on Idiot Island. When it does occasionally do, the rain is directed to where the Tranquil Tourists are operating. We have designated a 3500 square kilometre ‘No Rain Zone’ (also known as the ‘Dry Zone’) and we urge all Tranquil tribes people including wild animals and any living creature of the Fullofthieves jungle to move into this area to avoid being drenched by ‘Humanitarian showers.’

See & End: What have you got to say about rumours that warn of Tranquil tribes people in the Fullofthieves jungle facing a severe shortage of essential items?

Brig YP: This is incorrect. We have sent several truck loads of umbrellas and rain coats to the Tranquil tribes people. We have also sent them a supply of soap, shampoo and towels so that if by chance they do get caught in any showers, they could take a refreshing bath and dry them selves off. Yesterday we sent a fresh supply of vitamin C and cough syrup to be used by those who have caught cold, bronchitis and pneumonia.

See & End: The Tranquil Tourists website tranquilnet.con claims that several Humanitarian soldiers have contracted bronchitis and many have died of pneumonia due to the heavy rain showers directed towards them by the Tranquil Tourists.

Brig YP: That is a bare faced lie. Our heroic Humanitarian forces are immune to these diseases. They have also been equipped with quality umbrellas and rain coats.

See & End: What about thunder and lighting?

Brig YP: Our Humanitarian forces wear thick rubber soled shoes and they have been instructed not to stand under trees when there’s thunder and lighting. We will capture the whole of the North Pole Land in a few days and no showers or thunderstorms will stop our progress. We shall march through hill and dale…through valleys and mountains…Westward Ho! Sorry about being carried away, what I meant to say was, ‘North Pole Land! Here we come!’

See & End: So who is responsible for the showers that have been falling on the Tranquil tribes people in the Fullofthieves jungle?

Brig YP: There is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to push rain clouds using giant fans towards areas where the Tranquil tribes people are holidaying to discredit the forward march of our heroic Humanitarian forces. We have also received reliable information that the weather Gods are conspiring against us and assisting the ‘International Conspirators.’ We recently observed a low flying satellite that tried to rescue the Tranquil Tourist Leader, Rolypoly Prebiocarrom.

See & End: Just one final question. Sources close to us say that you had rice and curry for lunch today. Would you like to comment?

Brig YP: This is incorrect. It’s a categorical lie. This is not just a lie, but also a damned lie! If they show you statistics, don’t believe them! This is another ‘International Conspiracy’ that has been hatched to discredit our forward march. I have satellite images to prove that I did not have rice and curry for lunch. I actually ordered a pizza with mozzarella cheese and spicy chicken…. with…. a sprinkling of…. and…

See & End: Thank…thank you…Brigadier Youliar…that will be all.

What if?


What if….
the roles were reversed and the Tamils were the majority and the Sinhalese were the minority; and Prabahakaran was President of the country and Rajapaksa was the leader of a terrorist group called the ‘Liberation Lions of Sinhala Eelam’ (LLST) fighting for a separate Sinhala state in the South?
answer:

1) There would probably be a war similar to the on going one.

2) President Prabahakaran and his supporters would euphemistically call the war a ‘Humanitarian Operation.’

3) Rajapaksa’s suicide bombers would be called ‘Bloodthirsty Lions.’

4) ‘Orange Vans’ would abduct Sinhala civilians suspected of being Lion terrorists.

5) Tamil journalists who report about the war would be abducted, beaten and killed; and maybe a few newspaper presses and TV stations would be torched.

The list is endless. I leave it up to the readers’ imagination.

What if….
the LTTE tried to form a separate state in Hell?
answer: The devil would probably seek political asylum in Sri Lanka.

What if …
Bin Ladan owned Sri Lanka and Hell?
answer: He would rent out Sri Lanka and live in Hell!

What if…
the sale of cigarettes and alcohol was banned in Sri Lanka?
answer: People would turn to smoking illegal cigarettes and drinking kassippu (moonshine). The Government would lose billions in tax revenue. More people would fall ill by consuming substandard liquor.

What if…
it was compulsory that all the people in Sri Lanka had to attend a temple, church, mosque or kovil at least once a day?
answer: There would be peace and harmony in Sri Lanka…there would be a heaven on earth….paradise lost will have been found ( ha! ha! ha! only in your dreams! For the time being, your dreams are your own, so dream on until the ‘Rogerproxy Government’ finds a way to censor your dreams!)

What if…
Sri Lanka ruled the World?
answer:
1) Sri Lanka would invade any country that sold meat and alcohol and kept film halls open on the full moon poya day!

2) It would be illegal to slaughter cattle for consumption on full moon poya days, but legal to bomb suspected terrorists targets with cluster bombs and multi barrel rockets.

3) Only Buddhist programmes would be shown on televisions around the world, 8 days a week, 465 days a year.

4) American women would work as housemaids in Sri Lanka.

5) The rupee would be the World currency.

6) Sinhala would be the lingua franca of the world.

7) Sri Lanka would issue green cards to people around the world, to live and work in the country.

8) Amaradeva and Nandamalini would out sell Eminem and Madonna in record sales! There would be an influx of economic refugees and political asylum seekers in the country!

9) People around the world will celebrate when Baramesh Obamasingham (a minority Tamil) is voted President of Sri Lanka.

10) The nations allied to Sri Lanka would be: Zimbabwe, North Korea, Somalia, Sudan, Cuba, Iran, China ect. The ‘Axis of Evil’ nations would be India, America, all EU nations, Australia, Canada and any country that had a substantial amount of Tamils living there.

What if…
Chandrika Kumaranatunga had been a man, and Ranil Wickramasinghe had been a woman?
answer: It wouldn’t have made much of a difference!

What if…
50 odd years ago, Prabahakaran’s father had worn a condom?
answer: There would still be a Tamil problem!

What if…
Sharks used fishing rods to catch humans?
answer: They would use currency notes as bait! (Preferably US$ or Euros)


What if…
the eating of pork was no longer banned in Islamic countries?
answer: Pigs would seek asylum on the moon, and the rest would become extinct in a few years.

What if…
Every time a Politician told a lie to the people or broke his promise, a ‘White Van’ abducted him and beat him up unmercifully?
answer: This could happen only in your dreams or only if God was on the side of the general public and operated his own fleet of ‘White Vans.’

What if…
Sri Lanka was invaded by Aliens?
answer: The Government would contact Will Smith! Politicians would call it an International Conspiracy to discredit the government and do away with our sovereignty and territorial integrity! The silent minority would welcome the Aliens with open arms!

What if…
At independence in 1948, there were no majorities or minorities, only 5million Buddhists, 5 million Hindus, 5 million Christians and 5 million Muslims?
answer:
1) There would be no ‘Humanitarian War’ today.
2) All religions would be given equal status instead of one religion being given pride of place.
3) The Sinhala, Tamil and English languages would all be national languages.
4) No single community could dominate the other communities and impose their language, religion or culture on the others.
5) There would truly be ‘Unity in Diversity’ in the country and there would have been no need for me to start a blog called srilankalandoftheblind.blogspot.com

What goes around, comes around


Once upon a time on Planet Mirth,
On the Idiot Island under Hindiyar,
That hung like a piss drop from a penis,
There lived a race of xenophobic idiots,
Who believed that the Idiot Island,
Belonged only to the majority idiot race.
So they danced with joy and lit fireworks in the streets,
As screaming Mig jets triumphantly dropped cluster bombs on the jungle,
Where women, children and old people, of the minority race,
Tried to flee in a thousand directions while shrapnel tore at their heels.
The children who survive this ‘Humanitarian Operation,’
Will come back one day as human bombs to avenge their loved ones.
Then the women, children and old people of the idiot race,
Will pay with their lives for sins of the past,
Committed by their fathers, uncles and brothers.
What goes around, comes around,
The Mig bomb begets the suicide bomb,
And both races will rest in pieces.

The Greatest Show on Planet Mirth


Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages,
Come one! Come all!
And watch this clowning spectacle,
Now showing daily, from morning till night!
So don’t just sit there looking stupid!
Switch on your Idiot Island television and see,
‘The Greatest Show on Planet Mirth!”
Even better than the gladiatorial contests,
Of ancient Rome on Planet Earth,
When Caesar gave his people bread and circuses.
Now see the Caesar of Idiot Island give his people rice and war!

See the death defying stunts of Mig pilots,
As they drop their cluster bombs with pinpoint accuracy,
On unarmed women, children and old people.
See multi barrel rockets light up the night sky,
Like a 31st night fireworks display,
As they speed towards their random targets.

See the funny Defence Comedian and the
Funny Government Comedian, tell tall tales,
About low flying satellites, international conspiracies,
And alien abductions by UFOs.
(Also known as ‘Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects’ or ‘White Vans’).

See the 110 clowns all dressed in white say,
“Yes Sir! No Sir! Ulcer!”
As they jump through hoops to the command of
The Caesar of Idiot Island.

See the ‘Humanitarian’ shelling of unarmed civilians!
See the ‘Humanitarian’ killing of an editor!
See the ‘Humanitarian’ burning down of a television station!
See the ‘Humanitarian’ killing of 9 journalists and the beating up of 28 more!

See all this and more!
8 days a week! 465 days a year!
Only on Idiot Island television,
In the Idiot Island under Hindiyar!

A look at present day Sri Lanka through famous quotes slightly changed


Points to ponder for the majority in Sri Lanka:

Famous Quote: Truth is the first casualty of war!
In Sri Lanka: Apart from Truth, Journalists, Newspaper Editors and TV Stations are the first casualties of war!

Famous Quote: Hatred ceases not by hatred, but by love; that is the eternal truth!
In Sri Lanka: Hatred ceases not by hatred, nor by bus bombs or MIG bombs, nor by fire bombing of TV stations nor the killing of journalists, but by the maximum devolution of power, that is the eternal truth!

Famous Quote: It isn’t over until the fat lady sings!
In Sri Lanka: It isn’t over until the PTA (Prevention of Terrorism Act) is abolished; high security zones done away with, checkpoints dismantled and the armed forces confined to their barracks! (Otherwise how can you say that the War…oops sorry, I meant to say ‘Humanitarian Operation’ is over?)

Famous Quote: Those who live by the sword will die by the sword!
In Sri Lanka: Those who live by the pen will be killed by four assassins on motor bikes, and those who live by the camera will have their TV station fire bombed!

Famous Quote: You may lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink!
In Sri Lanka: You may say the war is over, but can you get the rebels to lay down arms?

Famous Quote: Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses!
In Sri Lanka: There is no Democracy in Sri Lanka, but Jackasses have been worshiping Jackals here for over 61 years!

Famous Quote: I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death, you’re right to say it!
In Sri Lanka: If you say what the government doesn’t agree with, be ready to be killed, beaten up, abducted and have your camera equipment smashed to smithereens!

Famous Quote: Nietzsche said, “God is dead. Everything is now possible!”
In Sri Lanka: Lasantha and the ‘Free Media Movement’ is dead, everything now is possible! (eg: Bribery, corruption, shady arms deals, intimidation and abduction of Tamils, Hilarious casualty figures ect.)

Famous Quote: There is no smoke without a fire!
In Sri Lanka: Very true…but who started the fire that burnt down the MTV/MBC TV station?

Famous Quote: The known devil is better than the unknown angel!
In Sri Lanka: The known terrorist in the north is better than the unknown former terrorist who is now a member of parliament?

Famous Quote: There are lies, damned lies and statistics!
In Sri Lanka: There is the Lake House Newspapers, Rupavahini and The Sri Lanka Broadcasting Corporation!

Famous Quote: When you kill one man you are a murderer. When you kill ten, you are a monster. And when you kill ten thousand, you are a hero!
Sri Lanka: When you kill a bull for meat on a full moon poya day, you are fined
Rs.50,000 and imprisoned. On this very same day when you bomb the north with MIG and Kafirs and Multi Barrel Rocket Launchers, you are considered a hero! What a funny situation indeed?

Famous Quote: Guns don’t kill people, people kill people!
In Sri Lanka: Bus bombs are placed by people on the ground and cluster bombs are dropped by people in the sky!

Famous Quote: A stitch in time saves nine!
In Sri Lanka: Burn a TV station and kill an Editor and you will have the rest of the Journalists eating out of your hand!

Famous Quote: An eye for an eye!
In Sri Lanka: A suicide bomb for a MIG bomb!

Famous Quote: No man has the right to govern another man without the others consent!
In Sri Lanka: It is the sacred right of the Government in power to rig elections to its advantage and intimidate opposition voters!

Famous Quote: In the land of the blind the one eyed man is King!
In Sri Lanka: In the land of the deaf, dumb and blind, the man with the ‘Red Towel’ around his neck is Dictator!

October 22, 2008

Security Tips that may help you survive until Christmas!



1. When using public transport check under the seat for parcel bombs;
these are easily identifiable by the manufacturer's label saying
'Parcel Bomb - made in Jaffna.'

2. When going on holiday, don't choose Kilinochchi or the Wanni as your holiday destination! You will be much safer holidaying in Kabul or Dafur!

3. When asked by the sentries at checkpoints whether you are carrying
bombs, do not reply in the affirmative.

4. When walking on the road in wet weather be careful to avoid being splashed or run over by all 17 vehicles of a VIP Politicians convoy.

5. Under no circumstance should you pretend that your umbrella is a gun.

6. If you have small children - do not send them to school until the war
is over.

7. If you are an orphan do not attend two day first aid camps in
Sennacholai.

8. Carry your business cards loosely on your person so that in the event
of a violent explosion they will scatter far and wide giving the company you work for
free publicity on your death.

9. Do not attend functions or political meetings graced by VIP Politicians. You might be the collateral damage of a suicide bomber targeting the VIP.

10. Always take a file home. In the event of being caught in crossfire
sit down in a safe place and do some work.

11. Run like hell if you see a "White Van" following you.

12. Do not fly the Eelam flag in Colombo or the Lion flag in uncleared
areas. If you're not sure if the area is cleared or not fly both flags.

13. Do not join the armed forces. If you are already in the armed forces don't ask to be transferred to an operational area!

14. Do not accept lifts from strangers with moustaches and evil grins -
they could be Prabhakaran or Mahinda.

15. Migrate.

October 15, 2008

NATIONAL ACCIDENT COUNCIL OF SRI LANKA!


Have an Accident Today!
Support this Revolutionary New Way to Solve the Overpopulation Problem!

Let’s face it! We all have to die someday, so when we do, we might as well die fast!
Why wait for lingering disease or slow, tormenting old age?


Let us show you how to have a quick, easy accident!

* Join the armed forces and ask to be transferred to an operational area!

* Travel regularly by bus. According to the law of averages, you’re more than likely to eventually board a bus that has a parcel bomb on it. You figure out the rest!

* Always use the pedestrian crossing to cross the road. Cross the road at a leisurely pace, and leave the rest to the crazed private bus drivers and other road hogs that drive on our roads!

* Regularly attend political meetings of high profile ministers and try to gat as close as possible to them, so as not to miss a word they say. Eventually when a suicide bomber detonates himself or herself, you might be one of the lucky victims!

* Don’t stop at army check points! When the soldier shouts Halt! Put your foot down on the accelerator and drive on! In a few seconds you will hear the sound of gunshots. You’re in luck if the soldier is a good shot. You’ll probably get a bullet through you’re head and you wont feel a thing!

* When you’re stopped at a check point and you’re bag is checked, look nervous, turn around and run like hell! Once again, you’ll be in luck if the soldier who shoots you is a good shot!

* Go hiking with your friends to un-cleared areas in the North and East of Sri Lanka. If you are lucky, you might step on a mine or be blasted to smithereens by a booby trap!

* Don’t go for your December holidays to Europe or the Caribbean. Take your family to beautiful Kill E No Chee! From morning to night you and you’re loved ones will be serenaded by the sounds of incoming shells, multi-barrel rockets and bunker buster bombs dropped by MIGS and Kafir jets! It will only be matter of time before you and you’re family are blasted to kingdom come by one of these smart bombs!

For further information, phone or write to the,

NATIONAL ACCIDENT COUNCIL OF SRI LANKA!

(Don’t have an Accident without first consulting US!)

October 13, 2008

More little known organizations of Sri Lanka!



SPCA – Sri Lankans for the Practice of Cruelty to Animals

For over 63 years we have been fighting and killing each other!
Why not direct our natural aggression against animals instead of each other!
They are doing it to us! Let’s do it to them!

1,23,497 people bitten by stray DOGS last year!

56,570 people hospitalized after being bitten by DENGUE mosquitoes during the last six months!

15,382 individuals bitten by SNAKES last month!

10,702 people scratched by CATS this month!

5,289 people stung by WASPS in Sigiriya last week!

1 idiot trampled by an ELEPHANT last night!


It’s time to fight back! Join operation “Zero Casualties,’ or the ‘Humanitarian Operation’ and get them before they get you!

* Go out and kick dogs in the gut!

* Set fire to stray cats!

* Carpet bomb marsh land and other areas where mosquitoes might breed, after declaring the areas as “NO Fire Zones!”

* Do not agree to the mosquitos’ demand of a “Separate State in the Beira Lake!”

* Use ‘Bunker Buster Bombs’ to destroy elephant herds!

* Plant mines to destroy cattle herds!

* Pluck the feathers off live chickens if they withhold information!

* Tape the beaks of parrots!

* Pull the wings off flies!

* Walk around stepping on ants!

Bring you’re pet to any one of our conveniently located torture chambers!
Be sure to register your pets at the nearest police station or army camp before you bring them!
Enter our exciting new contest “The most vicious cruelty to a Domestic Animal!” be the winner of the “Grand Prize” of 1 Million Rupees!
REMEMBER TO GET THEM BEFORE THEY GET YOU!

Mary’s father had a ‘White Van!’


(sung to the tune of “Mary had a little lamb”)

Mary’s father had a ‘White Van,’
It was as white as snow!
And everywhere their neighbour went,
The van was sure to follow!

It followed him to work one day,
And then abducted him,
His family searched high and low,
But there was no trace of him!

Bah! Bah! Arms Dealer!


(sung to the tune of “Bah! Bah! Black Sheep!”)

Bah! Bah! Arms dealer have you any bribes?
Yes sir! Yes sir!
Four money bags full!
One for the ‘Commander in Chief,’
And three for his three brothers,
And none for the village boy who fights in the north!

Oh You Deadly Cyanide!


(sung to the tune of “Oh My Darling Clementine”)

Round my neck there hangs a chain,
And on it’s end there is a vial,
It is small and looks quite deadly,
And we call it cyanide!

Oh you deadly, oh you deadly,
Oh you deadly cyanide,
You don’t taste good like a toffee,
But for suicide, you’re just fine!

Three Blind MIG Pilots!


(sung to the tune of “Three Blind Mice”)

Three blind MIG pilots, three blind MIG pilots,
See what they bomb, see what they bomb,
They bombed a house that had people inside,
And said they blasted a terrorist camp,
Did you ever see such a thing in you’re life,
As the three blind MIG pilots.

Nursery Rhymes for children from the North East of Sri Lanka!


When the MIGS start dropping bombs!
(sung to the tune of “London Bridge is falling down”)

When the MIGS start dropping bombs,
Dropping bombs, dropping bombs,
When the MIGS start dropping bombs,
There’ll be a ‘Big Blast!’

Take your kids and run away,
Run away, run away,
Take your kids and run away,
There’ll be a ‘Big Blast!’

Find a place to hide away,
Hide away, hide away,
Find a bunker right away,
There’ll be a ‘Big Blast!’

Just admit you’re nearest kin,
Nearest kin, nearest kin,
Don’t let any neighbours in,
There isn’t enough room within!

Don’t forget you’re ID card,
ID card, ID card,
You will need it later when,
They stop you at a check point!

When the MIGS have flown away,
Flown away, flown away,
You’ll be safe to make your way,
And live inside you’re ‘Bombed House!’

October 7, 2008

Why?


Why should I be forced to speak your language,
Follow your culture and adhere to your religion,
When I have a language, a culture and a religion of my own?

Is it because there are more of you and less of me,
That you try to force me?
With your funny rules and silly laws!
For sixty years you had your way,
But now I think I’ll have my say!

Your thoughts are not my thoughts,
Neither are your ways my ways.
There might be more of you and less of me,
But I’ll always fight for my right to be free!

The full moon day might be ‘holy’ to you,
But to me its just another holiday!
Like a Saturday or Sunday, a day to relax!
With fried beef for a bite and a beer on the side!

I may be not be perfect, but I’m no hypocrite!
I eat all kinds of meat and my favourite is beef.
You say you’re a vegetarian, but gorge yourself on fish!
Isn’t ice cream, cake and wattalappan made out of eggs?

You say alcohol is bad, that’s your point of view.
I enjoy a drink or two, doctors agree with me too.
Once a man from Nazareth turned water into wine.
Now people the world over drink wine while they dine.

On the full moon, a man kills a bull for food.
He is fined fifty thousand and sentenced to jail.
A MIG bombs the rebels that very same day.
Body parts strewn allover, can’t be used for food.
The pilot gets a medal, he doesn’t go to jail.
Hypocrites like you should rot in hell!

Why? I ask why? Can’t you leave me alone?
Let me live according to my culture,
And you according to your own!
If you’re a vegetarian, that’s fine by me,
Let me eat my fried pork, roast chicken and beef!

Bulls, pigs and chickens or the fish in the sea!
Nothing lives forever including you and me!
So lets eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die,
You sip your ‘Kola Kenda’ and I’ll gulp down my beer!

October 3, 2008

The Idiot Island Children’s Book Of Polytikboobeeing





Lesson 1

See the funny man.
His job is ‘Polytikboobeeing.’
He is called a ‘Polytikboobee.’
See the funny white outfit he is wearing.
It is called the ‘Fool the Idiots Outfit.’
See his funny moustache and the funny ‘Red Towel’ around his neck.
Hear his funny stomach churn.
Churn, churn, churn.
The funny Polytikboobee has a funny ulcer.
Most funny Polytikboobees have funny ulcers.
But some funny Polytikboobees are lucky.
They do not have funny ulcers.
They have funny high blood pressure.


Lesson 2

See the funny Polytikboobee with the ‘Red Towel’ around his neck talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
The funny Polytikboobee is lying to the funny tax paying idiots.
All funny Polytikboobees lie to the funny tax paying idiots.
He is telling them to tighten their belts.
Tighten. Tighten. Tighten.
After his speech, the funny Polytikboobee will give the funny tax paying idiots breakfast.
‘Koorakong Bread’ and ‘Colour Canda.’
Yum! Yum! Yum!


Lesson 3

See the pretty lake.
It is called the ‘DoYouWanna Lake.’
See the funny ParlyMutts building in the middle of the pretty lake.
All the funny Polytikboobees work there.
They say “Long Live The Gang Of Four!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
They say, “We will safeguard DemoCrazy!”
The bald Polytikboobees with orange bed sheets wrapped around them say,
“We want a DharmaCrazy!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Don’t you wish YOU could speak like these funny Polytikboobees?
You can.
You are almost seven now!


Lesson 4

See the funny ParlyMutts building.
225 funny Polytikboobees work there.
Let us count the 225 funny Polytikboobees.
Count! Count! Count!
Hmmm! 200 funny Polytikboobees are missing.
Naughty! Naughty! Naughty!
Where are the 200 funny Polytikboobees now?
Holidaying in LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk.
Isn’t Polytikboobeeing fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!
The funny tax paying idiots must have lost another billion or two of their tax money.


Lesson 5

See the funny man in glasses with the silly grin on his face.
He is the brother of the funny Polytikboobee with,
the ‘Red Towel’ around his neck.
He has had 132 people abducted today by ‘Unidentified Four wheeled Objects.’
And it isn’t even lunchtime yet!
Abduct! Abduct! Abduct!
See the other two funny men standing next to him.
They will not be abducted today.
They are funny Polytikboobees too.
They are the funny Polytikboobee brothers of the funny Polytikboobee with,
the ‘Red Towel’ around his neck.
How lucky the funny tax paying people are.
Lucky! Lucky! Lucky!
Vote for one, and get ‘4 for the price of 1.’


Lesson 6

See the funny Polytikboobee with the hair gel, beard and 2 mobile phones.
The funny Polytikboobee with the ‘Red Towel’ around his neck loves and trusts him.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Trust! Trust! Trust!
This funny Polytikboobee does the marketing and he also washes the clothes of
the funny Polytikboobee with the ‘Red Towel’ around his neck.
Marketing! Marketing! Marketing!
Wash! Wash! Wash!
Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
Polytikboobeeing is hard work.
The funny tax paying people should be grateful for funny hard working Polytikboobees like him.


Lesson 7

See the funny ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Funny Polytikboobees have 1 or 2 funny ‘Cupboard Meetings’ a month.
But none on full moon days.
(Full moon days are reserved for catching ‘Cattle Killers’ and ‘Liquor Salesman’).
They discuss everything at ‘Cupboard Meetings.’
At this ‘Cupboard Meeting’ they are discussing the drop in oil prices.
The funny tax paying idiots are still paying the old price for a litre of petrol.
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!
Soon the funny Polytikboobees will make a BIG decision.
But not at this ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Maybe at the next ‘Cupboard Meeting’ that will be held in one month’s time.


Lesson 8

See the funny short Polytikboobee Docter with the dark glasses.
He likes to smash up T.V. Stations and steal cameras.
He studied only up to the 8th grade.
He can barely write his name.
But this is enough qualifications to become a funny Polytikboobee on Idiot Island.
“Funny Polytikboobee, why do you steal cameras and beat up
jolly cameramen from private T.V. Stations?”
“Because they do not give happy endings to stories about me!”
“I like happy endings!”
Someday a jolly cameraman will hit him with a jolly camera, right on his jolly nut!
What a happy ending THAT will be!
Happy! Happy! Happy!


Lesson 9

Listen to the funny Military Comedian talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Lie! Lie! Lie!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
“Is it true that 25,000 tourists were killed and no humanitarian soldiers injured or killed?”
Of course! Of course! Of course!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
Grow! Grow! Grow!
“Funny Military Comedian, when will the war end?”
There is no war, only a ‘Humanitarian Operation!’
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Grow! Grow! Grow!
How nice it would be if the funny Military Comedian’s brain would grow instead of his nose!


Lesson 10

See the funny tax-paying idiot.
He is the 8th wonder of the world.
He has a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He believes everything the funny Polytikboobees tell him.
The funny Polytikboobees T.V. channels and newspapers tell him what he likes to hear.
He believes he lives in the greatest country on Planet Mirth.
He believes he has the greatest culture and the best economy on Planet Mirth.
He believes that women from LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk,
will one-day work as housemaids in his country.
He also believes that pigs can fly and hell will one-day freeze over.
If this continues, the funny tax-paying idiot will become even more amazing.
He will no longer have a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He will have a 40-year-old body and a FIVE-year-old mind.


THE END

September 26, 2008

The White Van Knight!


“Chinthana Man” raises the stakes in his ‘War on Tamils’. With the help of Lieutenant Gota Paka and District Attorney Basila Paka, “Chinthana Man” sets out to dismantle the ‘El Tea Tea Hoo Organization’ that plague the city streets. The partnership proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a reign of chaos unleashed by a rising criminal mastermind known to the terrified citizens of 'Funny Lanka' as The Joker, (also known as “Merv the Perv,” “Pissu Mervin,” "Dr.Delipihiya," ect;) You should hear what his friends call him!

Coming soon to a theater near you, Part 2 of the "The White Van Knight,".....await "Aliens abducted my Father, Brother and Grandfather!"