The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth…

(and may humanitarian lighting strike you if you don’t believe us)

Breaking News from Idiot Island Television (IIT) brought to you by Military Comedian Brigadiar Youliar Peenorkeeyokaara and Government Comedian Kehelmala Rambutang.



Idiot Island 2009 AD (20.40am)
Three Tranquil men…a butcher, a baker and a candle stick maker were captured in a tub by the Idiot Island Navy (IIN) while trying to escape to Tranquil Naadoo. The IIN recovered 50 loves of bread, 20 pounds of chicken beef and 150 candles that were hidden in the tub. Informed sources say that an investigation will be held to ascertain whether the bread, chicken beef and candles had been brought into the island during the period of the ‘If You’ll Don’t Shoot, We Wont Shoot Agreement.’



Idiot Island 2009 AD (21.10am)
It has been verified that Tourist Leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom’s pet dog Lassie Master, pet cat Garfield Master and pet parrot Polly Master were shot dead while trying to escape in an ambulance across the Pork Straits, 500 meters from Bacon junction! DNA tests prove beyond a doubt that Lassie Master was a dog, Garfield Master was a cat and Polly Master was indeed a parrot. A large consignment of dog food, cat food and bird seed was also recovered from the captured ambulance. Authorities believe that this consignment of pet food entered Idiot Island during the 3rd World War when Joypang was bombing the Pale Arbour, and not during the period of the ‘If You’ll Don’t Shoot, We Wont Shoot Agreement’ as stated by BooBeeSee, See & End and Helljayzee Raw.



Idiot Island 2009 AD (21.17am)
In news just in, an eye witness states that Tourist Leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom was teleported up to the ‘Starship Enterprise’ a few minute ago! The witness said that as armed jokers surrounded Tourist Leader Prebiocarrom, he spoke into a satellite phone and said, “Beam Me Up, Scotty!” Then a flash of light emanated from the Enterprise and engulfed the Tourist Leader. When the light faded away a few seconds later, there was no trace of Mr. Prebiocarrom. Efforts to contact Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock of the ‘Starship Enterprise,’were to no avail.



Idiot Island 2009 AD (22.56am)
Commandant of the ‘Treblinka Welfare Concentration Camp,’(TWCC) Major Himmler Heyadrich told reporters today, that the Tranquil Tourists of this camp should consider TWCC as a tourist resort, and their stay there as an all-expense-paid government holiday. “The barbed wire surrounding the camp, and the armed SS (Stinkerlees Soldiers) were there to protect the Tranquil Tourists from unscrupulous tour guides and inquisitive journalists,” said the commandant. Major Himmler Heyadrich also stated that he would leave no stone unturned in trying to provide 5-star-hospitality for all the holiday makers in the TWCC. Major Himmler insisted when asked by a reporter that a 7 course meal will be provided 3 times a day to each Tranquil Tourist for the next 26 years, courtesy of the Government of Idiot Island. Major Himmler also said that United Bankers Secretary General, Mr. Banking Boom who visited the TWCC had praised him for his efficiency in running the camp.



Idiot Island 2009 AD (23.46am)
General Polpot Funnyshaker today denied charges that 20,000 eggs had been broken to make omelettes for the heroic armed jokers fooling around in the north of Idiot Island. General Funnyshaker told reporters that not a single egg was broken while making omelettes. He further stated that his armed jokers had proved to the whole of Planet Mirth that they were the only jokers who could make omelettes without breaking a single egg. When asked by reporters about the thousands of egg shells that were strewn around the ‘Please Don’t Fire We Are Only Innocent Eggs Zone,’ General Funnyshaker said that those eggs were broken by the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium,’ to make omelettes for their armed jokers. In closing General Funnyshaker said, “What I have said is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…and if you all don’t believe me, may humanitarian lightning strike you all down and white vans abduct you all in the middle of the night!”

Walcum Yoo Toe Idiot Island

From time in memorial, Idiot Island has been a popular holiday resort for thousands of mirthlings from countries like Amerrybum, Asstrailerhaa, Titaly, Joypang, Carryaar, Spawn, Noisy Land, Kanna Daa, Jemini, Fonz etc. An economic down turn that over took Planet Mirth in 2010 AD, has affected many on Idiot Island. The worst affected were the rural Idiot Islanders who decided to turn their houses and ancestral homes into ‘guest houses’ and ‘hotels’ to make ends meet. Reproduced below are four emails, sent to prospective holiday makers, informing them of the facilities they could expect when they arrive on Idiot Island: A land like no other!


Honoured Sir,
I am amazed by your entreaty for a room. I am happy to inform you I have two rooms with a vulgar balcony and excommunicating doors. I can also offer you for your convenience, attached litter rooms with scalding aqueducts.
For the youthful persons there are alluring ways, wild lifes, song and dunces, rustic revelries and very good hospital only 50 miles away. My charges are soo changeable to be all you can afford. If I am dear to you or your mistress, she could perhaps be reduced. I shall myself be strenuous for you, and my wife will mimic me. As for cuisine, my wife is an unapproachable tyrant of the kitchen. A satisfied guest wrote: “I will never to visit other stranger cuntrysides.” Come here soon and you can rest in peace.

Waiting attentively for you,
Rintin Da Elvis.
(Chief Execution Officer)


My Dear Sir,
I am very pleasing to retort to your asking for my hotel. I am happy that I am empty in the upstairs compartment from 23st of November to 5st December. You will be agreeable that in view of the services my figure is highly modest. There is hot and cold waters running on every floors. If you are wishing a female personage to render you services, we can provide one. Guarantee you money back she render you jolly good. Also boyish male personages we can provide you. Sorrowfully I cannot abide your canine companion, but my mother in law who live opposite house can put up with it.
If you will come here you will certainly be arrested by the local beauties. Me my wife and I will always be at attention. We will make your duration soo dear as possible.

Truly Faithfully,
Millyman Morrowgood,
(Managing Dictator)


Dear Sir or Madam,
Having freshly taken over the property of this notorious house, I am wishful that you bring your bag and baggage to my esteemed establishment. Standing amongst savage scenery with flaunting butterflies and songing birds the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French window in every bedroom affording delightful prospects! I give personal look to interior wants of each guest. Here we make sure shall be well
fedup and agreeably drunk. No drunking on full moon day because police catch all drunkers. Having once sampled our local fooding, you will surely wish to enlarge your stays.
We have numerous bedrooms with beds and full drainage. Our charges for weakly visitors are scarcely understandable! We also make peculiar arrangements for gross parties! Our motto is ever “Serve You Right!” Coming soon before bedrooms full up!

Watching and waiting,
Cunred Hilltown,
(CEO & Joint Dictator)


Dear Madam,
I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I can give. I can though give you a good washing with pleasure in a most clean river down by the riverside with no person to see your naked things. I insist that you will like this.
Your question also to receive beds for twins. For this I have great seeking made without any OK as well from neighbour next door because his wife to this man gives him many childs. This man admits no knowledge about beds for twins. Part of you may sleep in this place while your extras to the neighbour house next door go. It is only throwing a stone away.
All must eat in this haus the cheapest food. We are sorry no beefs or chicken beefs or pig beefs because we are all vegetables here. The fish your man hopes to catch is always in the river. He catch them we cook them you eat them. Me and my better half are hoping to do you soon.

Yours Fully Faithfully,
Jaarj Makkal.
(Owner & Joint Profiteer)

How the Sri Lanka Cricket Team Could Have Avoided A Four One Defeat At The Hands Of The Indians?

On February the 3rd 2009 at about 4pm (Sri Lanka Time), a friend sent me an sms asking, “What is happening to the match?” This was the time that Shewag and Uvaraj were taking the Sri Lankan bowlers apart in the 3rd day night match at the R.Premadasa Stadium. As I was not a Sri Lankan cricket fan, (I’m a fan of Australia, South Africa and Pakistan. But I think I’m beginning to like this new look Indian team) I gleefully replied, “Sri Lanka is Bowling, and India is batting.” A minute later I received another sms that said, “Isn’t there any way we could have avoided this?”

YES THERE WAS! The simple solution is to have handled this cricket tournament the way the Sri Lanka Government has been handling the war against the Tamils…oops sorry, what I meant to say was ‘Humanitarian Operation’ to save the Tamils. And that is to look at all their problems as nails that have to be hit over the head with a hammer.

All the Sri Lanka Cricket Board needed to do was take a leaf out of the book of the Sri Lanka Defence Ministry.

1) The Cricket Board could have asked the Indian cricket manager to call over at the Cricket Board.

2) The Cricket Board secretary could then have warned the Indian manager that if his team scored more than 150 runs in any of the 5 one day matches, it would be detrimental to the players health.

3) If these instructions were not followed, and the Indian team continued winning, about twenty armed men could have stormed the Taj hotel at about 2 am in the morning and set fire to it. (The Taj is where the Indian team resides during each tour to Sri Lank).

4) If the Indian team still kept on posting 300 plus scores, four assassins on motor bikes wearing full faced helmets could have been sent to assassinate the Indian coach in broad day light as he was driving his vehicle to the grounds, and call the killing an ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Cricket Board.

5) The last resort would have been to abduct a few of the star Indian cricketers in ‘White Vans’ and beat them up so that they couldn’t bat or bowl.

May be in future home tours, the Cricket Board may resort to the above rules when playing against opposition that is stronger than them. One tends to wonder if any of these rules were put into practice prior to the last match against the Indians when the Lankan team won a consolation victory.

(A story doing the rounds that the Sri Lankan selectors have included local umpires Kumar Darmasena and Gamini Silva as their 12th and 13th players for the World Cup squad is nothing more than a malicious rumour)

Anyway, congratulations Dohni and the team for a great tournament. Here’s hoping that your team reaches the semi finals in 2011 World Cup along with the Australian, South African and Pakistan teams.