President Bean and friend

Jayzee of NasalRot

Once upon a time, in the year 2009 AD, the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared to Jayasaf in a dream and said, “Don’t hesitate to take MIAree as your wife! For the child within her has been conceived through an ‘International Conspiracy’ while she was in the ‘Please Don’t Fire We Are Innocent Tranquils Zone,’ and she will have a son, and you shall name him Jayzee and he will save his Tranquil tribes people from the misery they have undergone at the hands of the Stinkerlees tribes people for over 61 hundred years!”

When Jayasaf awoke, he did as the ‘Agent of RAW’ had commanded and took MIAree and surrendered to a ‘Welfare Concentration Camp,’ surrounded by barbed wire and armed SS. Jayzee was born in such a camp, in a canvas tent in the town of Bretleehom, during the reign of King Adolf Rogerproxy, Dictator of Idiot Island. At about this time, three wise dignitaries from Western lands arrived in Koolamboo, the capital of Idiot Island, asking, “Where is the newborn King of the Tranquils? For we received news of his birth from satellite images, and have come to worship him and make an independent confirmation.”

King Rogerproxy was deeply disturbed by the satellite evidence from the ‘Eye in the Sky,’ hovering over Bretleehom; the sole witness to all that transpired in the Tranquil homeland towards the north of Idiot Island. So he immediately called a cupboard meeting. And when the hundred an eleven cupboard polytikboobees arrived he asked, “Did our intelligence comedians inform us where the King of the Tranquils would be born?”

“Yes Sir! No Sir! In Bretleehom Sir!” they all chroused.
Then King Rogerproxy sent three SMS messages to the three wise dignitaries, asking them to come and see him; at this meeting he found out the exact time and date that they received confirmation from the satellite. Then he told them, “Go to Bretleehom and search for the child. You will be allowed free access to all the ‘Welfare Concentration Camp,’ with no restrictions whatsoever. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him too!”
After this interview, the three wise foreign dignitaries started their journey towards the north. And lo! And behold! The satellite appeared to them hovering over Bretleehom, and their joy knew no bounds! Entering the canvas tent where the baby Jayzee and MIAree his mother were, they threw themselves down before him, worshiping. Then they opened their presents and gave him a state-of-the-art satellite phone, a laptop with a high speed internet connection and a gift voucher to shop at the ‘OD HELL Warehouse.’

When they returned to their own lands in the West, they didn’t go through Koolamboo to report to King Rogerproxy, for an ‘Agent of the SeeHighHay’ had warned them in a dream to take a boat to Tranquil Naadoo and hop a flight home from there. After they had gone, the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared to Jayasaf in a dream. “Get up and flee to Tranquil Naadoo with the baby Jayzee and his mother,” the Agent said, “and stay there until I tell you to return, for King Rogerproxy is going to permanently rehabilitate the child and blame it on an ‘International Conspiracy’ to put the Kingdom of Idiot Island into disrepute.”

That same night, Jayasaf left for Tranquil Naadoo with MIAree and the child, and stayed there until he received further instructions from the ‘Agent of RAW.’ King Rogerproxy was furious when he learned that the three wise dignitaries had disobeyed him. Sending his SS to Bretleehom, he ordered them to permanently rehabilitate every baby boy two years old and under, both in the town and in the various ‘Welfare Concentration Camps.’ This humanitarian action of King Rogerproxy fulfilled the prophecy of the ‘Agent of RAW.’ The screams of anguish, the unrestrained weeping and gnashing of teeth for their permanently rehabilitated children was recorded by the ‘Eye in the Sky’ satellite and relayed to BooBeeSee, See & End and Helljayzee Raw who broadcast these images to every nook and corner of Planet Mirth.

King Rogerproxy and his hundred and eleven cupboard polytikboobees once again screamed till they were blue in the face, claiming that this was another ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Kingdom of Idiot Island. But the Mirthlings around Planet Mirth could not be fooled.

“Shame on you!” they said, and asked for an independent commission to look into the human wrongs committed by the SS, but King Rogerproxy rejected this outright. When King Rogerproxy eventually died, (some say of ‘swine flu’) the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared once again in a dream to Jayasaf in Tranquil Naadoo, and told him, “Get up and take the baby Jayzee and his mother MIAree back to Idiot Island, for those who were trying to permanently rehabilitate the child are dead.

So Jayasaf returned immediately to Idiot Island with Jayzee and his mother. But on the way he got to hear that the new king was Rogerproxy’s son Nomaleproxy. Then in another dream, Jayasaf was warned (by who else) but the ‘Agent of RAW,’ not to go back to Bretleehom due to security reasons. So they went to live in NasalRot, just a stone’s throw away from WallHerWhatHer. Jayzee’s parent’s Jayasaf and MIAree registered themselves at the local police station, before they rented a small apartment after paying a five year advance. Jayzee went to the local international school and was a good student. He was called ‘Jayzee of NasalRot’ by all hi friends, and his enemies called him by many other names (but that’s another story). And so Jayzee and his parents lived happily ever after.

Quite an anti climax isn’t it? If you were expecting plenty of blood and gore and murder and mayhem, you should have switched on to ‘Idiot Island Television’ and watched ‘Humanitarian War’ instead!

Walcum Yoo Toe Idiot Island

From time in memorial, Idiot Island has been a popular holiday resort for thousands of mirthlings from countries like Amerrybum, Asstrailerhaa, Titaly, Joypang, Carryaar, Spawn, Noisy Land, Kanna Daa, Jemini, Fonz etc. An economic down turn that over took Planet Mirth in 2010 AD, has affected many on Idiot Island. The worst affected were the rural Idiot Islanders who decided to turn their houses and ancestral homes into ‘guest houses’ and ‘hotels’ to make ends meet. Reproduced below are four emails, sent to prospective holiday makers, informing them of the facilities they could expect when they arrive on Idiot Island: A land like no other!


Honoured Sir,
I am amazed by your entreaty for a room. I am happy to inform you I have two rooms with a vulgar balcony and excommunicating doors. I can also offer you for your convenience, attached litter rooms with scalding aqueducts.
For the youthful persons there are alluring ways, wild lifes, song and dunces, rustic revelries and very good hospital only 50 miles away. My charges are soo changeable to be all you can afford. If I am dear to you or your mistress, she could perhaps be reduced. I shall myself be strenuous for you, and my wife will mimic me. As for cuisine, my wife is an unapproachable tyrant of the kitchen. A satisfied guest wrote: “I will never to visit other stranger cuntrysides.” Come here soon and you can rest in peace.

Waiting attentively for you,
Rintin Da Elvis.
(Chief Execution Officer)


My Dear Sir,
I am very pleasing to retort to your asking for my hotel. I am happy that I am empty in the upstairs compartment from 23st of November to 5st December. You will be agreeable that in view of the services my figure is highly modest. There is hot and cold waters running on every floors. If you are wishing a female personage to render you services, we can provide one. Guarantee you money back she render you jolly good. Also boyish male personages we can provide you. Sorrowfully I cannot abide your canine companion, but my mother in law who live opposite house can put up with it.
If you will come here you will certainly be arrested by the local beauties. Me my wife and I will always be at attention. We will make your duration soo dear as possible.

Truly Faithfully,
Millyman Morrowgood,
(Managing Dictator)


Dear Sir or Madam,
Having freshly taken over the property of this notorious house, I am wishful that you bring your bag and baggage to my esteemed establishment. Standing amongst savage scenery with flaunting butterflies and songing birds the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French window in every bedroom affording delightful prospects! I give personal look to interior wants of each guest. Here we make sure shall be well
fedup and agreeably drunk. No drunking on full moon day because police catch all drunkers. Having once sampled our local fooding, you will surely wish to enlarge your stays.
We have numerous bedrooms with beds and full drainage. Our charges for weakly visitors are scarcely understandable! We also make peculiar arrangements for gross parties! Our motto is ever “Serve You Right!” Coming soon before bedrooms full up!

Watching and waiting,
Cunred Hilltown,
(CEO & Joint Dictator)


Dear Madam,
I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I can give. I can though give you a good washing with pleasure in a most clean river down by the riverside with no person to see your naked things. I insist that you will like this.
Your question also to receive beds for twins. For this I have great seeking made without any OK as well from neighbour next door because his wife to this man gives him many childs. This man admits no knowledge about beds for twins. Part of you may sleep in this place while your extras to the neighbour house next door go. It is only throwing a stone away.
All must eat in this haus the cheapest food. We are sorry no beefs or chicken beefs or pig beefs because we are all vegetables here. The fish your man hopes to catch is always in the river. He catch them we cook them you eat them. Me and my better half are hoping to do you soon.

Yours Fully Faithfully,
Jaarj Makkal.
(Owner & Joint Profiteer)