Newspaper Headlines you would see, if the Dictatorship of Sri Lanka was in charge of the World Media

“World Bank officials get down on their knees and plead with President Rajapaksa to accept 1.9 billion dollar loan.”


“Colombo central, Colombo north, Colombo east, Colombo west and Borella voters who voted for the UNP, are part of an ‘International Conspiracy’ to destabilise the government and stop the forward march of the armed forces says leaders of China, North Korea, Sudan, Libya, Iran and Zimbabwe.”


“50,000 LTTE terrorists killed and 1,00,000 injured, with zero casualties to armed forces and Tamil civilians says Military Spokesman.”


“Prabahakaran rescued by alien flying saucer during the new year ceasefire admits Military Spokesman.”


“World leaders beg President Rajapaksa to accept post of UN General Secretary, and request that Sri Lanka take over from America as the Global policeman of the world.”


“President Rajapaksa gets rousing welcome from American public, while recent Gallup poll shows Rajapaksa more popular than Obama.”


“LTTE fires multi barrel rockets and drops cluster bombs and napalm from Mig and Kafir jets, to prevent Tamil civilians from escaping from the ‘No Fire’ zone.”


“Daya Master says Erik Solheim and Prabahakaran were masterminds behind Mumbai attack.”


“Daya Master divulges that opposition leader Ranil Wickramasinghe instigated and personally led the attacks on the Sri Lankan embassies in Norway and Germany.”


“Daya Master admits LTTE was involved in attack on MTV/MBC TV station and the killing of Sunday Leader editor.”


“Daya Master tells interrogators that the LTTE were behind the abductions and killings of Tamil civilians in ‘White Vans.’


“Daya Master says that LTTE were involved in the killing of 14 journalists and the intimidation of 28 others during the past three years.”


“LTTE responsible for the killing of American President John F.Kennedy says Daya Master.”


“President Obama begs President Rajapaksa to send his Sinhala Army to take over from American troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.”


“75,000 American women to work as house maids in Sri Lanka.”


“World wide ‘Gallup poll’ shows President Rajapaksa more popular than Gandhi, Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela.”


“Tamil refugees say they are extremely happy living in camps surrounded by barbed wire and armed guards and plead with authorities not to resettle them.”


“Tamil refugees tell reporters they are honoured to live as second class citizens and said they will renounce the tamil language and learn sinhalese.”


“President Rajapaksa, Defence Secretary Gotabaya Rajapaksa and General Sarath Fonseka to receive Nobel Peace Prize.”

Famous Quotes And Their Relevance To Sri Lanka

Famous Quote: "The matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers and carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand; most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it."
~ Morpheus, The Matrix
In Sri Lanka: This former ‘Democratic Socialist Republic,’ is now an ‘Autocratic Theocratic Dictatorial Banana Republic,’ run by a ‘Quadrumvirate of Brothers,’ who have the grandiose notion of forming a ‘Dynasty’ similar to those seen in ancient China. This ‘Gang of Four,’ should be the enemy of all freedom loving Sri Lankans. But what do we see instead? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters, farmers…the gullible majority, ready to do the biding of this ‘Gang of Four.’ They do not want to think for themselves; instead they want to be lead by the nose like they have been led for the past sixty-one years. They are beyond saving.


Famous Quote: "...History is replete with whispers of secret societies... The oldest is the Brotherhood of the Snake, also called the Brotherhood of the Dragon, and it still exists under many different names. The Brotherhood of the Snake is devoted to guarding the 'secrets of the ages' and the recognition of Lucifer as the one and only true God... It's secret symbol is the all-seeing eye in the pyramid.
~William Cooper (Author of "Behold a Pale Horse")
In Sri Lanka: The “Rajapaks Brotherhood,” also known as “The Gang Of Four” and “The Four War Lord Millionaires,” rule the country like it is their own personal fiefdom.


Famous Quote: "None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. The truth has been kept from the depth of their minds by masters who rule them with lies. They feed them on falsehoods till wrong looks like right in their eyes."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Sinhala Majority’ is made to believe that once the LTTE is forced to cease conventional battle, the war will be over; that none of the Tamil civilian deaths in the north are due shelling by the armed forces, that no soldiers are killed or maimed, that all the destruction is by the LTTE etc. This has all been possible because journalists of the independent media have been killed, abducted, intimidated or gone into hiding; leaving the Government media to disseminate whatever tall stories it wants.


Famous Quote: Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it;
Do not believe in anything simply because it’s spoken and rumoured by many;
Do not believe in anything simply because it’s found written in your religious books;
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your elders;
Do not believe in tradition because they have been handed down for many generations;
But after observation and analysis when you find that anything agrees with reason, and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.
~The Buddha
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes it if it appears in the Government media;
The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes it if the ‘Buddhist Clergy’ tells them so;
The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes whatever the ‘Gang of Four’ tells them,
If you tell the ‘Sinhala Majority’ that there is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to destroy their religion, language and culture, they will believe it, because they are nothing but a bunch of xenophobes.


Famous Quote: "The greatest purveyor of violence on earth is my own government"
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
In Sri Lanka: The greatest purveyors of violence in the country are the Government and the LTTE.


Famous Quote: "Those of us who love peace must organize as effectively as the war hawks. As they spread the propaganda of war, we must spread the propaganda of peace."
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
In Sri Lanka: Those who spread the propaganda of peace are branded as LTTE sympathisers, traitors and terrorists while some are abducted and killed.


Famous Quote: "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public"
~ Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States
In Sri Lanka: If you criticise the president, his brother or the army commander, you end up six feet under like Lasantha Wickramatunge, editor of the ‘Sunday Leader.’


Famous Quote: "I want to know who the men in the shadows are. I want to hear somebody asking them why they can be counted on to tell us who our enemies are, but they're never the ones to fight and to die." ~ Jackson Browne
In Sri Lanka: It’s the politicians and the Buddhist clergy who urge the gullible ‘slum dog’ village youth to fight and die, and they live in the lap of luxury while their sons and daughters are safely ensconced in foreign countries.


Famous Quote: "The most dangerous man, to any government, is the man who is able to think things out for himself... Almost inevitably, he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable."
~ H.L. Mencken
In Sri Lanka: There are a few such people here as well. Some have been killed, some have been intimidated, some are in prison, some have migrated in fear of their lives and the rest remain silent because they fear death.


Famous Quote: "A country whose leader has the power to imprison any citizen, on his order alone, and hold them indefinitely, in military custody, without access to the courts, without a lawyer, without any charges, their fate determined solely by the leader's arbitrary whim -- that country is a tyranny, not a democracy, not a republic, not a union of free citizens."
~ Chris Floyd, The Moscow Times
In Sri Lanka: We are sure Mr.Chris Floyd has visited Sri Lanka recently or how could he have described it so accurately?


Famous Quote: "Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervour, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."
~ Julius Caesar
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Wannabe Caesar’ and his 3 brothers have done just that in this country. Like the Caesar of old, he better be aware of ‘The Ides of March, April, May, June, July etc.’


Famous Quote: "Military men are dumb, stupid animals to be used as pawns for foreign policy."
~ Henry Kissinger
In Sri Lanka: These dumb, stupid animals are used mainly as pawns and cannon fodder for domestic policy, especially to win elections.


Famous Quote: "War is a sociological safety valve that cleverly diverts popular hatred for the ruling classes into a happy occasion to mutilate or kill foreign enemies."
~ Ernest Becker
In Sri Lanka: It’s a local enemy (the Tamils) who are mutilated, killed, abducted and bombed into
smithereens.


Famous Quote: "Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervour - with the cry of grave national emergency. Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it."
~ General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
In Sri Lanka: It’s the ‘evil Tamils who want a separate state’ at home, and an ‘International Conspiracy’ that wants to destroy the Sinhalese race, culture and religion.


Famous Quote: "Why of course the people don't want war ... But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship ... Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger."
~ Hermann Goering, Nazi leader, at the Nuremberg Trials after World War II
In Sri Lanka: History is repeating itself in this country. Hitler’s Germany is been reborn as ‘
Mahinda’s Sri Lanka.’


Famous Quote: "The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth becomes the greatest enemy of the state."
~ Dr. Joseph M. Goebbels - Hitler's propaganda minister
In Sri Lanka: 17 journalists killed…more than 28 beaten up, abducted and intimidated, the countless others who have been imprisoned without a trial, the burning of MTV and destruction of the Sunday Leader printing press is ample proof that the truth is the greatest enemy of the Sri Lankan State.


Famous Quote: "We will export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defence of our great nation."
~ G. W. Bush, former President of the United States
In Sri Lanka: Rajapaksa and his brothers export death and violence to the four corners of the Island in defence of the ‘Rajapaksa Dynasty.’


Famous Quote: "There is no such thing as a Palestinian people... It is not as if we came and threw them out and took their country. They didn’t exist."
~ Golda Meir
In Sri Lanka: There are no such people as Hindus, Christians and Muslims in this country. Sri Lanka is a ‘Sinhala Buddhist’ Country.


Famous Quote: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."
~ Thomas Jefferson, American Declaration of Independence
In Sri Lanka: We hold this truth to be self-evident, that the ‘Sinhala Buddhist Majority,’ is more equal than the minority Hindus, Christians and Muslims. And they are endowed by their Creator, with the unalienable right to impose their language, religion and culture on all the minorities; for ever and ever, amen.

A Brief History Of Idiot Island On Planet Mirth (April 1st 2009 AD)

On Planet Mirth there is a funny little island called ‘Idiot Island.’ This funny little island, which lies under a humongous country called Hindeeyar, looks like a piss drop that is just about to fall off the tip of a penis. At last count there was a population of 20,672,981 people living on the island (give or take a couple of thousand who are permanently rehabilitated or are made to vanish by aliens who travel around the island in White Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects). In the North of Idiot Island there live another 3,00,000 of the Tranquil tribe, who have taken an extended holiday in the Fullofthieves Jungle. It has been claimed, that these Tranquil holidaymakers are having a whale of a time, dodging malted barren lockets and custard buns dropped from the sky. Peacekeeping Comedian Brigadier Uliar P. Norkiyokaara told reporters that this was a part of an International Conspiracy, to tarnish the image of the Utopian Paradise. He stated that International Conspirators were using low flying satellites to drop these fireworks devices on innocent Tranquil tribes people who were holidaying in the Fullofthieves Jungle. He further stated that a special police team had been set up to capture these satellites and bring them to justice.

Idiot Island has had a long and colourful history with plenty of murder and mayhem that has continued even in present times. From time immemorial, it has been known by many names. Piss drop under Hindeeyar, The last drop under Hindeeyar's Tip, Island of Hypocrites’, Land of the Xenophobes, etc, but never as "That Blasted Island!" Idiot Island boasts of a curious 3500-year-old culture, and its population are followers of five distinct cults. They are the Boobees, Himboobees, Crossboobees, Moosboobees and Parleymutts.

The Boobees are the majority cult, consisting of 69% of the population, with 18% Himboobees,7% Moosboobees and 6% Crossboobees. The Parleymutts are a breed of their own. They all hate each other’s guts, except when it comes to election time, when the Parleymutts promise the ‘moon and the stars’ in return for the votes of the gullible Idiot Islanders. During elections, the Polytikboobees follow the theory of an Earthling called Abraham Lincoln, who lived many years ago on Planet Earth. The theory (with a small twist) being, “You can fool some of the people on Planet Mirth all of the time; and all of the people on Planet Mirth some of the time; but you can fool all the Idiot Islanders, each and every time!”

Idiot Island is an ‘Utopian Paradise’ ruled by a caretaker called Jollyass Seesaw, along with his three Righteous Brothers. This ‘Quadrumvirate of Brothers’ (called the ‘Gang of Four’ and ‘War Lord Millionaires’ by some), rule Idiot Island with eight velvet gloves; just like the ‘Triumvirate’ of Caesar, Pompey and Crassus, who ruled the Roman Empire on Planet Earth hundreds of years ago. This ‘Gang of Four’, is now in the midst of a ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ against the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium’, who have been agitating for a separate ‘Tranquil Tourist Resort’ in the North and East of Idiot Island, for the past 26 years. Agitating on one side is the majority Stinkerlees tribe, and on the other side is the minority Tranquil tribe. The Stinkerlees tribe say that Idiot Island belongs to them because they arrived first on the island, and the Tranquil tribe says that part of the island should belong to them because they arrived second on the island, a couple of years later. None of the two agitating tribes believe in ‘Consultation, Compromise and Consensus.’ They instead believe in ‘Murder, Mayhem and Media suppression’, which both tribes have practiced to perfection with outstanding results. The caretakers of both these tribes are front-runners for the ‘Ignoble Prize for Peace’, and many pundits agree that the prize should be jointly awarded to Jollyass Seesaw caretaker of the Stinkerlees and to Rolypoly Prebiocarrom caretaker of the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium’ and sole representative of the Tranquils.

Idiot Island has had more elections than any other country on Mirth, with probably the exception of Bolivia on Planet Earth. The former caretaker Queen Cleopottaya was popularly known as “One Eyed Jane”, “That Crazy Woman”, “The Mummy”, “Man’s Best Friend”(the female version) etc. (You should have heard what her enemies called her). She preferred men with moustaches or beards, but would settle for anything with two legs. Her late brother was named after the airport and looked like a 747.
The present caretaker has a smarmy look, and goes around the country wearing a white outfit with a purple towel around his neck, banging his chest and shouting ‘MOTHERLAND’ until he is blue in the face! The purple towel is worn as a precaution, so he can stuff it in his mouth when he finds himself making remarks like, “I will permanently rehabilitate all the Tranquils” when various human wrongs organisations inquire from him about the situation of the Tranquil tribe holidaying in the Fullofthieves Jungle. Caretaker Seesaw has achieved cult status amongst the majority Stinkerlees tribe since he started the Humanitarian Crusade, and the repeated chanting of the prayer, “Jollyass Seesaw is the one God, and Atilla Da Goatproxy is his Prophet!” can be heard daily from many parts of the island except of course in the North and East of Idiot Island where the Tranquil tribe who are in the majority their chant, “Prebiocarrom is the Sun God, and Prebio Junior is his Successor!”

Idiot Island was first colonized by a Prince and his followers from Hindeeyar, who were considered persona non grata in the land of their birth (In other words it meant that, ‘They were kicked out of Hindeeyar!’) They arrived on Idiot Island as refugees about 3500 years ago (give or take a couple of hundred years). Following in their footsteps in much recent times were the Vietnamese boat people and thousands of Cuban refugees from Planet Earth, who fled the Infidel Castro’s regime for the safe haven of America and other free countries.
The refugee Prince and his Stinkerlees refugee followers became Boobees later (much, much later). Next to arrive were the Tranquil tribe. They had various skirmishes with the Stinkerlees tribe, and mainly inhabited the North and the East of Idiot Island. The Moosboobees came as traders from Muddled Eastern countries, while some came from countries like Hindohaysia and Mollyhaysia.

After them came the Portlygees, Dutchygees and Britygees who governed Idiot Island each in their turn for about 450 years. The Portlygees introduced the Crossboobee cult, Portlygees music and several Portlygees words to the local language. The Dutchygees introduced printing and built excellent canals, which now function as sewers. The canals are worth a visit. A perfumed handkerchief is usually sufficient to combat the stench. On a good day it is possible to spot a few dead cats floating (if you were on Idiot Island in the late 1980s AD, you could have seen many permanently rehabilitated bodies floating as well). Don't forget to take your digital camera!

The Britygees introduced Democrazy, the Parlymutts system and the Britygees language while teaching the Idiot Islanders to switch from wearing the loincloth, to the trousers. Today most men wear Britygees style clothes and it might be difficult to spot a man wearing the national dress. Most Idiot Islanders wear a long cloth wrapped around their waists. As underwear is not usually worn with it, do not be tempted to lift somebody’s long cloth!
In 1948 AD, the Britygees went back to Britybum and left the Idiot Islanders to run riot. Some Idiots called this Indepen Dunce. A few others called this a watershed in the history of Idiot Island. In the Britygeees language it meant that, “The shit hit the fan!”

After the Britygees left, the “All Tribes Party” ruled Idiot Island. This party consisted of people from all the tribes. The country meandered along smoothly until 1956 AD, when a new party called the “Stinkerlees Only Party” came to power. This party was made up largely of the majority Stinkerlees tribe, who had the grandiose notion that Idiot Island belonged only to them; and that they had exclusive rights over the Himboobees, Crossboobees and Moosboobee minority cults.
For example,
a) The Stinkerlees language of the was made the national language
b) It was compulsory to know the Stinkerlees language if you wanted to be promoted in the public sector
c) The Boobee cult was given pride of place over the other cults
d) The killing of cattle for sale as meat, and liquor was banned every full moon, while all film halls remained closed, and all forms of entertainment were frowned upon on this day (Funnily enough, the ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ continues unabated every full moon with hundreds being permanently rehabilitated; this is because on Idiot Island, the lives of cattle is more precious than the lives of human beings.)
e) Private Crossboobee schools were nationalized
f) At the university entrance exam, Stinkerlees students where given preference over Tranquil students

These were just a few of the idiotic laws forced on the minority tribes and cult followers of Idiot Island. The leader of the “Stinkerlees Only Party” was the father of the previous caretaker, Queen Cleopottaya. He turned Idiot Island on its head with his chauvinistic policies, which favoured the majority Stinkerlees and infringed on the rights of the minority tribes and cult followers. A Boobee cult priest permanently rehabilitated him about three years later, which gave the minority tribes some solace (talk about poetic justice). But things didn’t get any better. His wife cried a river of crocodile tears and was elected as the next caretaker of Idiot Island. (People probably voted for her to stop her whining.) Things went from bad to worse when Stinkerlees youth in the south revolted against her caretakership. They were peacefully suppressed. In other words it means that over ten thousand youth were permanently rehabilitated. (If the present caretaker Seesaw had been caretaker then, he would have called this a ‘Humanitarian Crusade.’) A few years later the minority Tranquil youth followed suit. This culminated in the hollercurse of July1983 AD, when the majority Stinkerlees tribe went on the rampage and permanently rehabilitated over 2500 Tranquil tribes people, while lighting fires to their houses and business establishment’s. What followed was a 26-year ‘Humanitarian Crusade’, which has ripped Idiot Island apart. There was a shaky “If You Don’t Fire We Wont Fire” agreement that was in existence for about three years. Then a giant wave also known as a Soonarmee, struck three quarter of the coast of Idiot Island the day after Crossboobeemas of 2004 AD. Ironically that day happened to be a full moon day (a day sacred to the majority Stinkerlees and followers of the Boobee cult). Over fifty thousand Idiot Islanders were permanently rehabilitated. They were from the Boobee, Himboobee, Crossboobee and Moosboobee cults…(Only nature treat’s everyone equally). No one knows if any Parleymutts were permanently rehabilitated.

The ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ between the Stinkerlees tribe and the Tranquil tribe resumed again in 2006 AD. Hundreds of Stinkerlees and thousands of Tranquil tribes people have been permanently rehabilitated due to the humanitarian agitation by both tribes. A wise old Idiot Islander, told reporters that there was nothing sacred or holy about this ‘Humanitarian Crusade.’ He said that it was nothing more than, “Our tourists permanently rehabilitating their tourists and their tourists permanently rehabilitating our tourists!” He further stated that, “Agitating for Peace was like Jiggy Jiggying for Virginity!” Hmmm…that seems quite a shrewd observation for a person who comes from an island of idiots…we wonder why he isn’t ruling the island instead of those four idiots from the same family. It must be because, just like ‘Birds of a feather, flock together”, “Idiots eventually end up voting for Idiots.” If this trend continues, the wise old idiot will one day be the ‘Greatest caretaker that never ruled Idiot Island!’

So what does the future hold for the Idiot Islanders? Will they shed their idiocy and become wise someday? Will the ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ bring peace? Will the ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Utopian Paradise succeed? Will a low flying satellite rescue tourist leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom? Will aliens in ‘White Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects’ (WUFOs) continue to make Tranquil tribes people vanish at random and permanently rehabilitate them? Will journalists and editors continue to be permanently rehabilitated, and TV stations burnt down by ‘International Conspirators?’ Will the headlines on deadlines be accurate, this time around? Will there be more ‘Final Crusades?’ Will the number of ‘Nation Building Parleymutts’ exceed twenty by years end? Will the number of “Mansion Building Parleymutts” exceed 225 by the end of next year? Will seaside bummers target innocent sunbathers? Will the legalization of polygamy, and the banning of bigamy bring an end to the population explosion? Will pigs’ fly and Hell freeze over? Will forced vegetarianism be a solution for violence? When do we break for lunch? Can I have a beer before lunch? Will there be prawns with the rice and curry, or fried beef? What’s for desert? Ice cream? Fruit Salad?
“What? No beef? No beer?”
“The management regrets that due to it being a full moon day, there will be no beer or beef today. Sir, how about some vegetables with rice while lunch is being prepared? Why don’t you watch the ‘breaking news’ of the dropping of custard buns on a tranquil tourist resort by air force jets permanently rehabilitating over 40 tourists?”
“Vegetables? The whole lot of you are a bunch of bloody vegetables if you ask me! The Gods must have been crazy…or drunk or stoned when they created you all!”

Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…will be…the future’s not ours to see…. Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…will be! The answer my friend…is blowing in the wind…the answer is blowing in the wind! Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…The answer my friend…is blowing in the…
Only time will tell…so let’s wait and see.