The Royal Wedding of Prince Namal Jilmart and Anarkali Middleton of Sri RajaPakistan

Prince Namal Jilmart and Anarkali Middleton were pronounced boy and wife at Hum-Bug-Thotta Abbey on Friday afternoon. With 1 million family members, hangers-on, sycophants and assorted henchmen packed into Hum-Bug-Thotta Abbey, an estimated 10 million lining the streets of Hum-Bug-Thotta and with millions more watching on television, the eyes of the universe were on the couple as they exchanged their vows. Prince Namal Jilmart will take up the title Duke of Hum-Bug-Thotta and Anarkali Middleton will become Her Pea-Brained Highness the Duchess of Hum-Bug-Thotta.

There was a plethora of famous names who witnessed the wedding, from the Supreme Leader of the Klinglon Empire, Captain Kirk of the Star Ship Enterprise to former England football captain David Beckham and his Klinglon born wife Victoria Beckham. Prince Namal Jilmart chose to wear a military uniform in place of the usual “kapati kit” to the wedding and Miss Anarkali Middleton managed the unenviable task of keeping her wedding dress a secret. She wore an ivory and poplin gown designed by the House of Fashion.

Around 1 million family members, hangers-on, sycophants and assorted henchmen were invited back to the Hotel de Temple Palace for a buffet lunch and then 300 plus close family members were invited for the black tie dinner consisting of kurakan and kola kenda. There were fears that the event could be marred by international conspiracies to tarnish the image of the country. However the predicted international conspiracies never materialised. Thousands of party supporters were given a bath packet, a soft drink bottle and 500 rupees and made to line the streets to cheer the newlywed couple.

The happy couple will honeymoon in Burma and spend 2 weeks in Libya at the invitation of Colonel Gaddafi. The couple told the Daily Noise in an exclusive interview that, “The affection shown to us by so many idiots around the universe during our engagement has been incredibly moving and has touched us both deeply.”

This is a new Alphabet for the ‘Vocal Majority’ from the ‘Silent Minority’.

A is for Abductions that take place daily, usually blamed on aliens.

B is for Benz Bikkus who live in the lap of luxury.

C is for Censorship of TV programmes showing scenes of alcohol and tobacco.

D is for Doctor Delipihiya patron saint of murder and mayhem.

E is for Elections which are neither free nor fair.

F is for Freedom of abduction, harassment and imprisonment under the Prevention of Tourism Act.

G is for Gullible majority who have been hoodwinked since 1948.

H is for Human rights abuses that occur 465 days of the year.

I is for IndepenDunce also known as the ’63 Year Curse’. (We were better off under the British!)


J is for Jayasuriya, who will probably play until the 2043 World Cup or until he gets his EPF?


K is for Kassipu. (A bottle a day keeps the liver awake.)

L is for Lies, damned lies and statistics that the government media saturates us with each day.

M is for Mahinda Chinthanaya. (Who needs the Bible, Koran and Tripitaka when we have the ‘chinthanaya.’

N is for Nepotism or favoritism to relatives. (Also check R)

O is for the 17 Patriotic Opposition MPs who crossed over to the government to save the country.


P is for Pillayan, who became Chief Minister of the East using the ‘Bullet’ to get the ‘Ballot.’


Q is for Question mark? When will we become the ASS Chariya Rai of the universe? When pigs fly or when hell freezes over?


R is for Rajapaksa Poshanaya of Mahinda, Basil, Goatabaya and Chamal.

T is for Terrorism. Both the LTTE kind and the State sponsored kind.

U is for Underestimate. What the Government always does of the LTTE.

V is for Velupillai Prabahakaran may you rest in pieces.(very very small pieces)

W is for Wickramasinghe (Ranil). The greatest President that never governed Sri Lanka.


X is for Xenophobia or the island mentality. The dislike of all things foreign.

Y is for Yearning for yesterday. The national pastime of living in the past.

Z is for Zero Casualties the tall story that only most Sinhalese believe.