Sri Lanka Land Of The Blind

2012-02-15T18:22:00.000+09:00

Machang Sarath...

2012-01-26T23:18:00.001+09:00

Kolaveri kola kenda dynasty song

2012-01-01T23:46:00.000+09:00

yo boys i am PresiDunce singing song
kola kenda song
one family song
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
rhythm correct
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
why this kolaveri……dynasty
Elder brother-u Speaker-u Speaker
Younger brother-u Goat-u Goat-u
Youngest brother-u 10% commission-u
Country going to dog-u dog-u
coming colour not good-u good-u
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
Lot of money Swiss Bank-u Bank-u
Family set for life-u life-u
My future bright-u bright-u
Country future dark-u dark-u
laughing…ha…ha…ha…ha…haaa
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
Raja pa pa paan raja pa pa paan raja pa pa paan
sariya vaasi
first lady maama ready
ready 1 2 3 4
whaa wat a change over first lady maama
ok maama now tune change-u
kaila glass
only english….
hand la glass
glass la kola kenda
hand la kiribath
laughing…ha…ha…ha…ha…haaa

this kola kenda song for family-u
my country people-u don’t have choice-u
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
why this kolaveri kola kenda family dynasty
family song
—————
Almost everyone can understand this song…
anyway here is the meaning for the title of the song
Kolaveri – Killer rage or Murderous Rage.

Steve Jobs dies in paintball shootout: Bill Gates security personnel have shot him – Bill Gates also critical and dripping with paint

2011-10-11T14:00:00.000+09:00

(Daily Noise -11.Oct.2011, 6.45pm)

Steve Jobs, former CEO of Apple Inc. and Presidential advisor to Barrack O’Bummer died in a paintball shooting incident. Two security personnel of his have also died in the paintball shootout.

The security personnel of Bill Gates have been responsible for the shooting and killing. Steve Jobs had died on the way to the JoyWardNee Pora Hospital due to respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor which was aggravated by the paintballs lodged in his body .

Consequent to the shootout between the two groups, 10 victims have been hospitalized. This tragedy had occurred at about 3.30 pm in the vicinity of She-Ma-Whore Bundy Knacker Vid-Ya-La, Angoda, Noo Yuck.

Bill Gate’s group had also been shot at by the Steve Jobs group , whereby Bill Gates had sustained serious injuries to his ego . He had been admitted to the JoyWardNee Pora Hospital and is in a critical condition. Hospital sources say, he had been shot in the head, and a ‘Humanitarian Operation’ had been performed on him. JoyWardNee Pora Hospital medical Authority S A K Gummy Bear told the media, the CTC scan done on him had revealed that his head and ego had sustained serious injuries . Bill Gates father had disclosed that Doctors had told him that there is only a 20% chance of Bill Gates recovering to participate in future paintball shootouts and to run his Microsoft Company.

Meanwhile a curfew has been clamped on the police division of Molly-Ya-Wa. The curfew will be on from 4.30 pm today until 6.00am tomorrow. The users of Steve Jobs Apple products who were provoked following the death of Steve Jobs have begun attacking the Molly-Ya-Wa police with i-Phones and i-Pads and they have also set fire to two police computers with Windows operating systems, reports say. Though a curfew was imposed after the attack, the enraged Apple product users had set fire to a Microsoft office of Bill Gates defying the curfew.

The National guard had been deployed to provide security to the Molly-Ya-Wa police division. An FBI team had also arrived at the venue to conduct investigations. The CIA are conducting investigations to deduce if this paintball shooting was an ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of President Barrack O’Bummer.

This dispute between the Steve Jobs Apple Inc and the Bill Gates Microsoft Corporation had been raging for many years. Among the true Apple users there was deep disillusionment that Barrack O’Bummer was turning a blind eye, a deaf ear and a mute mouth to the illegal activities of the Microsoft Corporation.

Steve Jobs is survived by Laurene, his wife of 20 years, their three children and by Lisa Brennan-Jobs, his daughter from a previous relationship. His family released a statement saying that he "died peacefully due to respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor which was aggravated by the paintballs lodged in his body."

Human scars of Sri Lankan war neglected - Asia - Al Jazeera English

2011-08-24T15:18:00.000+09:00

Human scars of Sri Lankan war neglected - Asia - Al Jazeera English

Sir NUT Jew Sorrya Plans Comeback After 25 Years In Retirement

2011-05-28T15:37:00.000+09:00

Former Sri RajaPakistan captain and pinch hitter Sir NUT Jew Sorrya says he wants to return to first-class crooked, 25 years after his forced retirement. The 75-year-old, who was forced to retire through an act of ParleyMutts (118th Amendment to the Constipation) from crooked in 2020, will play club crooked with the aim of earning a recall to the Hum Bug Thotta team.

Sir NUT is 1534 runs short of 300,000 first-class runs and said that has played a part in his planned return.

“I thought that is an amazing EverestPidurutalagala for me to climb,” said Sir NUT, who played 822 Tests for Sri RajaPakistan.

Sir NUT, who revealed his desire to return on Kaak Kaak (A subsidiary of Twitter), said the desire to earn oodles and oodles of money gave him the urge to play crooked again, especially after receiving a text from a bookie revealing how close he was to the 300,000-run mark.

“In what is probably a bit of a geriatric crisis I have come up with a solution – I will speak to the PresiDunce and urge him to order the selectors to pick me in the team,” said Sir NUT, who will play for the Hum Bug Thotta - based One Family Crooked Club on his comeback trail.

Sir NUT sits second in Sri RajaPakistan’s all-time leading Test run scorers with 300,000 first-class runs with a highest score of 899 and a healthy average of 102.36 (statistics courtesy of the Central Bank of Sri Rajapakistan). The highest run scorer is (no prizes for guessing) PresiDunce Normal RogerProxy with 700,000 runs, at an average of 600.35. Once again, (statistics courtesy of the Central Bank of Sri Rajapakistan).

After 645 first-class games for Hum Bug Thottas, One Family Crooked Club, a persistent brain tumor forced him to retire from the game before undertaking a career as a ParleyMutt.
But Sir NUT believes his head can withstand the rigors of four days in the field.

“The head is pretty good, they took out the brain and replaced it with a monkey brain,” he added. Sir NUT – who turns 76 on 22 September, before the start of the Hum Bug Thotta Silly Lunket Shield competition – remains realistic about returning to first-class crooked. Hum Bug Thotta crooked chief executive DunceRaja Proxy has not totally dismissed the notion.

“For him to break into that would be a huge challenge, an almost impossible challenge for a 76-year-old, but for Sir NUT and bearing in mind that he is a sycophant of PresiDunce Normal RogerProxy, who knows? Anything is possible in the land of Sri RajaPakistan if you have the blessings of the One Family Dictatorship!” he said.

Sri Rajapakistan launches own T56 league

2011-05-18T15:43:00.000+09:00

Sri Rajapakistan’s crooked board on Thursday announced its own glitzy T56 tournament, seeking to emulate the success of the hugely popular Indian Premier League.

The first edition of the Sri Rajapakistan Premier League (SRPL) will be played over 365 days from July 19th 2011 to July 19th 2012 and will feature teams from the island’s seven provinces and big international stars, according to a statement.

“T56’s massive popularity and status as the most exciting and entertaining format of crooked will be further enhanced by this newest tournament to the world of crooked,” read a Sri Rajapakistan Crooked statement.

While SRC kept mum (pronounced dumb) on the infamous despots likely to take part, local bought - and - paid - for - media named the likes of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad , Muhammad al-Gaddafi, Robert Mugabe, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong-Il, Hu Jintao and Omar al-Bashir.

The teams will play each other 25 times, with the top four qualifying for the sham-finals. The winner of the tournament will be decided through a “Computer Jilmart,” and will automatically qualify for the Chumps League Twenty20, which is jointly promoted by the boards of India and South Africa.

All the SRPL games will be day-night encounters and played at Hum Bug Thotta’s Sri Rajapakistan Stadium. Each squad can have a maximum of five tin-pot dictators or despots but the starting XI can have only four of them.

However, in contrast to IPL’s high-profile auctions for players, the tin-pot dictators and despots will be assigned to hunter-killer teams by the Sri Rajapakistan One Family Dictatorship Selection Committee.

The seven teams are Basnahira Boothayaas, Kandurata Kabaragoyas, Nagenahira Nazaraaniyaas, Ruhuna Rajapakayas, Uthura Oooroomeeyaas, Uva Umbalakadayaas and Wayamba White Vans.

The league will be run by the Libyan-based Dumbugga Entertainment, who have bought the rights for 2500 years. The global television rights for the 365 matches have already been sold.

The SRPL could come as a particular blessing for Talaiban and Al Qaeda players. They have been ignored by the money-spinning IPL since the inaugural edition in 2008.

Who next?

2011-05-07T06:03:00.002+09:00

The Royal Wedding of Prince Namal Jilmart and Anarkali Middleton of Sri RajaPakistan

2011-05-02T00:35:00.000+09:00

Prince Namal Jilmart and Anarkali Middleton were pronounced boy and wife at Hum-Bug-Thotta Abbey on Friday afternoon. With 1 million family members, hangers-on, sycophants and assorted henchmen packed into Hum-Bug-Thotta Abbey, an estimated 10 million lining the streets of Hum-Bug-Thotta and with millions more watching on television, the eyes of the universe were on the couple as they exchanged their vows. Prince Namal Jilmart will take up the title Duke of Hum-Bug-Thotta and Anarkali Middleton will become Her Pea-Brained Highness the Duchess of Hum-Bug-Thotta.

There was a plethora of famous names who witnessed the wedding, from the Supreme Leader of the Klinglon Empire, Captain Kirk of the Star Ship Enterprise to former England football captain David Beckham and his Klinglon born wife Victoria Beckham. Prince Namal Jilmart chose to wear a military uniform in place of the usual “kapati kit” to the wedding and Miss Anarkali Middleton managed the unenviable task of keeping her wedding dress a secret. She wore an ivory and poplin gown designed by the House of Fashion.

Around 1 million family members, hangers-on, sycophants and assorted henchmen were invited back to the Hotel de Temple Palace for a buffet lunch and then 300 plus close family members were invited for the black tie dinner consisting of kurakan and kola kenda. There were fears that the event could be marred by international conspiracies to tarnish the image of the country. However the predicted international conspiracies never materialised. Thousands of party supporters were given a bath packet, a soft drink bottle and 500 rupees and made to line the streets to cheer the newlywed couple.

The happy couple will honeymoon in Burma and spend 2 weeks in Libya at the invitation of Colonel Gaddafi. The couple told the Daily Noise in an exclusive interview that, “The affection shown to us by so many idiots around the universe during our engagement has been incredibly moving and has touched us both deeply.”

I want to be the most Influential Idiot in the Universe!

2011-04-17T22:10:00.000+09:00

This is a new Alphabet for the ‘Vocal Majority’ from the ‘Silent Minority’.

2011-04-17T21:53:00.000+09:00

A is for Abductions that take place daily, usually blamed on aliens.

B is for Benz Bikkus who live in the lap of luxury.

C is for Censorship of TV programmes showing scenes of alcohol and tobacco.

D is for Doctor Delipihiya patron saint of murder and mayhem.

E is for Elections which are neither free nor fair.

F is for Freedom of abduction, harassment and imprisonment under the Prevention of Tourism Act.

G is for Gullible majority who have been hoodwinked since 1948.

H is for Human rights abuses that occur 465 days of the year.

I is for IndepenDunce also known as the ’63 Year Curse’. (We were better off under the British!)

J is for Jayasuriya, who will probably play until the 2043 World Cup or until he gets his EPF?

K is for Kassipu. (A bottle a day keeps the liver awake.)

L is for Lies, damned lies and statistics that the government media saturates us with each day.

M is for Mahinda Chinthanaya. (Who needs the Bible, Koran and Tripitaka when we have the ‘chinthanaya.’

N is for Nepotism or favoritism to relatives. (Also check R)

O is for the 17 Patriotic Opposition MPs who crossed over to the government to save the country.

P is for Pillayan, who became Chief Minister of the East using the ‘Bullet’ to get the ‘Ballot.’

Q is for Question mark? When will we become the ASS Chariya Rai of the universe? When pigs fly or when hell freezes over?

R is for Rajapaksa Poshanaya of Mahinda, Basil, Goatabaya and Chamal.

T is for Terrorism. Both the LTTE kind and the State sponsored kind.

U is for Underestimate. What the Government always does of the LTTE.

V is for Velupillai Prabahakaran may you rest in pieces.(very very small pieces)

W is for Wickramasinghe (Ranil). The greatest President that never governed Sri Lanka.

X is for Xenophobia or the island mentality. The dislike of all things foreign.

Y is for Yearning for yesterday. The national pastime of living in the past.

Z is for Zero Casualties the tall story that only most Sinhalese believe.

THE TRUTH...THE WHOLE TRUTH & NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH! Newspaper Headlines From Sri Lanka

2011-04-06T16:07:00.002+09:00

Sai Baba resigns from captaincy.

Sanga on life-support with chest and lung infection.

Step motherly treatment for Manmohan Singh at World Cup finals.

MR to step down from PresiDuncy after 2015 World Cup.

My World Cup career is over says fast bowler Namal Rajapaksa.

SL deserved to win says Indian captain Dhoni.

News editor of Lanka E News takes police chief into custody.

Human rights group demands release of police chief.

Sri Lanka press India to amend constitution.

Sri Lanka says future cooperation with India depends on improvements in its human rights record.

Lankans gave up joy for Indians : Manmohan Singh.

Sri Lanka release US$ 218m to IMF.

MR to promote democracy in Switzerland.

US navy fire on Tamil Nadu fishermen.

Tourists misguide SL tour guides.

Milk powder price hike accepted joyfully by SL consumers.

Ruhunu University students brutally attack innocent police with bicycle chains, daggers and rods.

Elections Commissioner says SL only country in the world to hold free and fair elections.

Legal action to be filed against spectators by SL cricket Board over ticket sale rules.

International jubilation over killing of Lasantha Wickramatunga.

Come and witness semi final match with me – Gaddafi invites MR.

Ban Ki Moon and his supporters’ stage protest in front of minister Weerawansa’s office.

Ban Ki Moon in fast unto death to protest UN interference in SL affaires.

Professor G.L.Peries seeks political asylum in Libya.

Consumers plead for bakery product price hike before Sinhalese and Tamil New Year.

Sri RajaPakistani Crooked Team Wins World Cup

2011-04-05T20:35:00.002+09:00

Coach Normal Rogerproxy had put together the perfect Sri RajaPakistani Crooked team. The only thing he was missing after La Shit Malinger retired was a good fast bowler. He had scouted all around the country, but he couldn't find a bowler who could ensure a World Cup win.

Then one night, while watching BooBee She, he saw a war-zone scene in JewMany. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Jewman soldier with an incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-ba-ka-ba-boom! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach Normal Rogerproxy said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to Sri RajaPakistan and teaches him the great game of crooked, and the Sri RajaPakistani Crooked team go on to win their 2nd World Cup after 25 years.

The young Jewman is feted as the Great Hero of Sri RajaPakistani Crooked, and when Coach Normal Rogerproxy asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. "Mum," he says into the phone, "I just won the World Cup."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans eating milk rice and lighting crackers and screaming ‘Maa throo booo meee yar’ at the top of my voice."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots bombs going off all around us. The neighbourhood is a pile of rubble and rubbish. Your two brothers were abducted in white vans and beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight and the police say it is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of Sri RajaPakistan."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says...

"...I'll never forgive you for making us move from Jewmany to Sri RajaPakistan the Utopian Parasite of ASSia!

How Sri Lanka Can Win The 2011 World Cup

2011-03-09T18:45:00.002+09:00

1. Appoint Mahinda Rajapaksa match referee in all the WC matches played by Sri Lanka.

2. Appoint Gotabaya and Basil as on field umpires and Namal as the 3rd umpire in all the WC matches played by Sri Lanka.

3. Appoint Chamal Rajapaksa as manager of the Sri Lanka cricket team.

4. Only allow Sri Lankan fans to enter the stadiums where the SL cricket team plays it’s matches.

5. Declare Mervin Silva and Wimal Weerawansa official cheerleaders of the SL cricket team and let them roam around the match venues intimidating fans and supporters of the opposing teams.

6. Bring in a 19th Amendment to the constitution making it compulsory for all Sri Lankans irrespective of their race or religion to fly the Sinhala flag from their homes and scream ‘JAYA WAY WAA’ every time a 4 or a 6 is scored by the SL team.

7. Declare the hotels accommodating opposition teams as “NO FIRE ZONES” and then promptly bombard them with multi-barrel rockets and cluster bombs.

8. Change the cricket laws so that Murali and Lasith Malinga can bowl 25 overs each of the allotted 50 overs given to the SL team in each game.

9. During crunch matches, use “White Vans” to abduct key players of opposition teams and promptly blame the abductions on an “International Conspiracy” to tarnish the image of the country.

10. Wrap cricket balls with “Holy Thread” (pirith nool) utter some mumbo jumbo over the balls and place them in the stadiums where the SL team plays its games in order to bring them good luck.

2 Idiots?

2011-03-06T01:39:00.000+09:00

Often quoted quotes by Sun Tzu Paksha modified to suit the present day Sri Lanka

2011-02-01T12:51:00.002+09:00

"You must listen to the words of Sun-Tzu Paksha. If you will not listen to the words of Sun-Tzu Paksha, one third of your army will die, one third of your army will desert you and one third of your army will sell vegetables in the market."

"There is no victory unless you scream ‘maathrooboomeyaa’ bang your chest and kiss the airport tarmac."

"The general who heeds the words of Sun-Tzu Paksha shall be victorious. The general who does not heed the words of Sun-Tzu Paksha shall be defeated. The general who has never even heard of Sun-Tzu Paksha and just spends his time writing to groundviews about paradigm shifts and semantics shall be made Ambassador of France."

"To win, you must know yourself, know your enemy, know your weapons, and know how to blow those people who don’t agree with your point of view from the face of this earth."

"Victory cannot be achieved by writing to groundviews about paradigm shifts and semantics, unless you are fighting an enemy that gives up or simply dies outright upon being exposed to paradigm shifts and semantics on groundviews."

"Know what your enemies are afraid of. They will retreat, and you will destroy them without fighting any lawsuits."

"Know your enemy, know yourself, know your girlfriend's ex Pradeshiya Saba husband's abusive temperament, know his work schedule, and most importantly know the fastest way to get the hell out of there if he decides to come home early."

"Make war, not kola kenda."

"When fighting an enemy that insists on taking constant toilet breaks, take advantage of the breaks to catch up on your favourite teledramas."

"For one to be successful in war, one must yell 'JAYA WAY WAA' every time one kills an enemy".

"All men can see the tactics whereby I conquer, but there's no way I'm letting them see my wife naked."

"The high ground is easier to defend, and easier to attack from. The low ground, on the other hand, is often wet and full of dengue mosquitoes.

"When your enemy has the high ground, it's all over, so never wage a Humanitarian war in Nepal."

"All warfare is based on deception. Hey David Black & Decker! What's that behind you?"

"Enemies are bad, we are good - therefore nobody will mind if we do horrible things to them except ‘International Conspirators’ and other such people."

"You shall not win a war by reading The Art of War alone. You must also assemble an army, do some fighting, kill a couple of thousand enemies, call it a ‘Humanitarian Operation’ with ‘Zero Casualties’ that sort of thing."

"A victory is only made official by a celebration involving kiribath, kavun and fire crackers."

"To win one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the greatest skill. The greatest skill is to win one thousand victories in one thousand battles with ‘zero casualties’ and call it the asschariya rai of asia."

“Winning the war and losing the peace is the acme of skill.”

The NEW Silly Lankan National Anthem

2010-12-14T19:14:00.001+09:00

God save our gracious Maha Raja,
Long live our noble Maha Raja,
God save the Maha Raja!
Send him victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
God save the Maha Raja!

O Maha Raja arise,
Scatter our enemies,
And make them fall with more 9/11s!
Confound their International conspiracies,
Confuse their politics,
On you our hopes we fix,
God save the Maha Raja!

Not in this land alone,
Be Maha Raja’s mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Maha Raja make the nations see,
That brothers should rule,
And only one family reign,
The wide world ov'er

From every latent foe,
From the Diaspora to Sir Roth Funnyshaker,
God save the Maha Raja!
O'er his arm extend,
For Rajapakistan’s sake defend,
Our father, king, uncle, aunty and friend,
God save the Maha Raja!

Thy choicest real estate in the land,
On him be pleased to bestow,
Long may he reign! And after him his son!
May he defend our laws,
And ever give us cause,
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Maha Raja!

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) (aka Megalomania)

2010-11-27T13:14:00.003+09:00

According to the World Health Organization, Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is described as, “A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or actual behaviour), need for admiration, and lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of situations and environments.”
In order for a person to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) they must meet five or more of the following symptoms:

 Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

 Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

 Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

Rarely acknowledges mistakes and/or imperfections.

 Requires excessive admiration.

 Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

 Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

 Lacks empathy: is unwilling or unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

 Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

 Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitude.

Theodore Millon identified five subtypes of narcissist. Any individual narcissist may exhibit none or one of the following:

 unprincipled narcissist - including antisocial features. A charlatan - is a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual. (Pronounced as JILMART in Sinhala)

 amorous narcissist - including histrionic features. The Don Juan of our times - is erotic, exhibitionist.

 compensatory narcissist - including negativistic (passive-aggressive), avoidant features.

 elitist narcissist - variant of pure pattern. Corresponds to Wilhelm Reich's "phallic narcissistic" personality type.

 fanatic type - including paranoid features. A severely narcissistically wounded individual, usually with major paranoid tendencies who holds onto an illusion of omnipotence.

My personal belief is that Mahinda Rajapaksa is afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If you have been closely observing his shenanigans since he came to power in November 2005, (especially the recent week long Tamasha that was organised for his second inauguration as PresiDunce), you too would have come to the same conclusion after reading the observations of the WHO and Theodore Millon which are given above. I further believe that according to Theodore Millons identified five subtypes of narcissist, Mahinda Rajapaksa falls in to the category of,

 unprincipled narcissist - including antisocial features. A charlatan - is a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual. (Pronounced as JILMART in Sinhala)

and

 fanatic type - including paranoid features. A severely narcissistically wounded individual, usually with major paranoid tendencies who holds onto an illusion of omnipotence.

Now the 64 million dollar question is, WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?
Short of a peoples’ revolution or the grim reaper having mercy upon us and giving Rajapaksa what he deserves...I see no other solution to the continuation of his dictatorial rule in the near future!

The Sri Lankan & North Korean Family Rule

2010-11-21T21:47:00.001+09:00

North Korea here we come!

North Korea’s government follows the Juche ideology of self-reliance, developed by the country's former President, Kim Il-sung. After his death, Kim Il-sung was declared to be the country's Eternal President. (ha...ha...ha...reminds me of the slogan on banners, “Oba samadaa apay Janapathi!” translated to English it means you will be our PresiDunce forever!)

Juche became the official state ideology when the country adopted a new constitution in 1972, though Kim Il-sung had been using it to form policy since at least as early as 1955. (remids me of the “Mahinda Chinthanaya.”) After the collapse of the Soviet Union and a series of natural disasters, a famine occurred, causing the death of 900,000 to 2 million people. (We can expect something similar in the near future!) Facing these circumstances, leader Kim Jong-Il (thats Kim Il-sungs son) adopted Songun, or a "military-first" policy in order to strengthen the country and its government. (what will Namal adopt after his father kicks the bucket? “Namal Chinthanaya?”)

Officially a socialist republic, many media organizations outside North Korea report that it is a totalitarian Stalinist dictatorship with an elaborate cult of personality around the Kim family and one of the worst human rights records of any country. (Now is there a cult of personality behind the Rajapaksha family or not?) North Korea is the world's most militarized nation with a total of 9,495,000 active, reserve, and paramilitary personnel. (Sri Lanka is slowly getting there). It is a nuclear weapons state, and has begun an active space program. (All Rajapaksa doesn’t have for the time being is nuclear weapons...God help the neighbouring countries if he gets his hands on a few nukes!) Due to the government's secretive nature and its reluctance to allow in foreigners, North Korea is today considered the world's most isolated country and has thus been given the moniker "The Hermit Kingdom" by some. (well Sri Lanka is slowly but surely getting there and I have given it the moniker, “JILMART ISLAND”).

ZERO CASUALTIES?

2010-10-30T03:17:00.001+09:00

Life in Hitler's Third Reich and Rajapaksa's Family Reich

2010-10-28T00:33:00.004+09:00

The paragraph given below is taken from William L. Shirers "THE RISE AND FALL OF THE THIRD REICH"
When reading it, substitute the word Sri Lankans for Germans
substitute the words Rajapaksa officials for Nazi officials
substitute the words Rajapaksa sources for Nazi sources
substitute the names Rajapaksa for Hitler and Weerawansa for Goebbels

I myself was to experience how easily one is taken in by a lying and censored press and radio in a totalitarian state. Though unlike most Germans I had daily access to foreign newspapers, especially those of London, Paris and Zurich,which arrived the day after publication, and though I listened regularly to the BBC and other foreign broadcasts, my job necessitated the spending of many hours a day in combing the German press, checking the German radio, conferring with Nazi officials and going to party meetings. It was surprising and sometimes consternating to find that notwithstanding the opportunities I had to learn the facts and despite one’s inherent distrust of what one learned from Nazi sources,a steady diet over the years of falsifications and distortions made a certain impression on one’s mind and often misled it. No one who has not lived for years in a totalitarian land can possibly conceive how difficult it is to escape the dread consequences of a regime’s calculated and incessant propaganda. Often in a German home or office or sometimes in a casual conversation with a stranger in a restaurant, a beer hall, a cafe, I would meet with the most outlandish assertions from seemingly educated and intelligent persons. It was obvious that they were parroting some piece of nonsense they had heard on the radio or read in the newspapers. Sometimes one was tempted to say as much, but on such occasions one was met with such a stare of incredulity, such a shock of silence, as if one had blasphemed the Almighty, that one realized how useless it was even to try to make contact with a mind which had become warped and for whom the facts of life had become what Hitler and Goebbels, with their cynical disregard for truth, said they were.

ASSchariya RaiPaksha

2010-10-27T23:35:00.000+09:00

ABSOLUT JILMART

2010-10-27T18:38:00.001+09:00

Vote Raider HORA!

2010-10-26T03:51:00.000+09:00

Que Sera “The Yarn” (sung to the tune of “Que Sera Sera”)

2010-10-07T02:28:00.003+09:00

When “The Yarn” was just a little boy
He asked his mother, what will I be?
Will I be a “UI”, will I be a “Dr.”
Here's what she said to him.

Que Sera “The Yarn”

Whatever “MR” want’s will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera “The Yarn”
What “MR” want’s will be.

When “The Yarn” was young, he joined V.Perumal,
And asked V.Perumal what lies ahead?
Will we have a separate state, day after day
Here's what V.Perumal said.

Que Sera “The Yarn”
Whatever “VP” want’s will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera “The Yarn”
What “VP” want’s will be.

Now “The Yarn” lectures idiots through “groundviews,”
They ask “The Yarn”, what will life be?
Will we be the “ASSchariya Rai of Asia?” Will we be rich?
He tells them tenderly. (Using some “The Yarn” Speak)

Que Sera, paradigm shift...semantics and neo-patrimonialism...
physical persuasion... psychological deterrent...zero casualties...Sera
whatever the “Neo-Patriarch MR” want’s will be,
The future's “MRs”, to see
Que Sera, paradigm shift...semantics and neo-patrimonialism...
physical persuasion... psychological deterrent...zero casualties...Sera
What “MR” want’s will be.

Ps: UI stands for “Useful Idiots” http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/documentaries/2010/07/100624_doc_useful_idiots_lenin.shtml
MR stands for “U NO HOO”
And for any thing else...check my blog http://srilankalandoftheblind.blogspot.com/

"Dr." The Yarn...when we were young we respected people like you and Dr. Rajiva
Wijesinghe...is MR better than JR?

The Killer Inside ME (2010)

2010-10-05T00:41:00.005+09:00

Based on the novel by legendary pulp writer Jilmart Thompsonpaksha, Michael Winterbottompaksha's, 'The Killer Inside ME' tells the story of smarmy looking small town ParleyMutt Percy 'Jilmart' Bean, who comes in contact with a prostitute in his capacity of "Cartetaker" of 'Jilmart Island.'

It turns out to be a very unexpected and violent encounter. Percy 'Jilmart' Bean has a bunch of problems. Megalomania problems. Abduction problems. Dynastic Problems. Zero Casualtiy Problems. An ever-growing pile of murder victims in his HumBug TOTO jurisdiction. And the fact he's a sadist, a psychopath, a killer. We learn how he dispatches several journalists'and thousand of unarmed civilians. Suspicion begins to fall on Percy 'Jilmart' Bean, and it's only a matter of time before he runs out of alibis. But in Percy 'Jilmart' Bean's savage, bleak, blacker than noir 'ASSchariya Rai Universe' nothing is ever what it seems and it turns out that the investigators from "THE UNITED BANKERS" pursuing him might have a secret of their own. Especially chief investigator Mr. Banking BOOM. You should expect the unexpected all along through out this story until the very end.

DIRECTED BY
Michael Winterbottompaksa

PRODUCED BY
Chris Hanleypaksa
Bradford L. Schleipaksa
Andrew Eatonpaksa

CAST
Percy 'Jilmart' Bean
Kate Hudson
Jessica Alba

Obama watches me on Jilmart TV

2010-09-30T01:03:00.001+09:00

Whither goest thou Sri Lanka?

2010-09-22T17:52:00.002+09:00

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." – from Hamlet, William Shakespeare; Act II, scene ii

Unfortunately in Sri Lanka, a majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that this country belongs only to them, while the Muslim, Tamils and Christian minorities should be seen and not heard!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that they are the greatest race on earth with the greatest culture and language in the world!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that this country can become the “ASSchariya Rai” of Asia, even though countries like Japan, Singapore, Korea, Malaysia, China etc. are far ahead of us, and we would have to go past them to become the “ASSchariya Rai” of Asia!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that we can become the most developed country in Asia, simply by continuing to be an agricultural country!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that pigs will one day fly, hell will freeze over someday soon, and western women will one day work as ‘housemaids’ in Sri Lanka. (That is once we become the “ASSchariya Rai” of Asia).

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that ‘One Family Rule,’ is better than Democracy!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that Sri Lanka is the most Democratic country in the world, where ‘Wars’ are called ‘Humanitarian Operations,’ with ‘Zero Casualties,’ to civilians!

A majority of the majority have been brainwashed into thinking that just because they are a numerical majority, they can ride rough shod over the minorities and tell them what they should eat and drink and what is the permissible culture and language for the minorities, irrespective of the fact that minorities have their own culture and language!

Now the 64,000 dollar question is, Is there a way forward?

The answer is: Only if the majority is rehabilitated to think differently! If that can be done. There will be real peace and development; and not the ‘kind of a peace’ and a ‘kind of development’ (where most of the money goes into the pockets of the ruling family). THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING TODAY!

Quo vadis?

Whither goest thou Sri Lanka?

Come to Malboro Country - The Land of Zero Casualties

2010-09-19T22:53:00.003+09:00

The Idiot Island Children’s Book Of Parleymutting

Lesson 1
See the funny man.
His job is ‘Parleymutting.’
He is called a ‘Parleymutt.’
See the funny white outfit he is wearing.
It is called the ‘Fool the Idiots Outfit.’
See his funny moustache and the funny purple towel around his neck.
Hear his funny stomach churn.
Churn, churn, churn.
The funny Parleymutt has a funny ulcer.
Most funny Parleymutts have funny ulcers.
But some funny Parleymutts are lucky.
They do not have funny ulcers.
They have funny high blood pressure.

Lesson 2
See the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
The funny Parleymutt is lying to the funny tax paying idiots.
All funny Parleymutts lie to the funny tax paying idiots.
He is telling them to tighten their belts.
Tighten. Tighten. Tighten.
After his speech, the funny Parleymutt will give the funny tax paying idiots breakfast.
‘Koorakong Bread’ and ‘Colour Canda.’
Yum! Yum! Yum!

Lesson 3
See the pretty lake.
It is called the ‘Doyouwanna Lake.’
See the funny Parleymutts building in the middle of the pretty lake.
All the funny Parleymutts work there.
They say “Long Live The Gang Of Four!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
They say, “We will safeguard Democrazy!”
The bald Parleymutts with orange bed sheets wrapped around them say,
“We want a Dharmacrazy!”
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Don’t you wish YOU could speak like these funny Parleymutts?
You can.
You are almost seven now!

Lesson 4
See the funny Parleymutts building.
225 funny Parleymutts work there.
Let us count the 225 funny Parleymutts.
Count! Count! Count!
Hmmm! 200 funny Parleymutts are missing.
Naughty! Naughty! Naughty!
Where are the 200 funny Parleymutts now?
Holidaying in LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk.
Isn’t Parleymutting fun!
Fun! Fun! Fun!
The funny tax paying idiots must have lost another billion or two of their tax money.

Lesson 5
See the funny man in glasses with the silly grin on his face.
He is the brother of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
He has made 132 people vanish today, by courtesy of WUFOs.
And it isn’t even lunchtime yet!
Vanish! Vanish! Vanish!
See the other two funny men standing next to him.
They will not be made to vanish today.
They are funny Parleymutts too.
They are the funny Parleymutt brothers of the funny Parleymutt with,
the purple towel around his neck.
How lucky the funny tax paying people are.
Lucky! Lucky! Lucky!
Vote for one, and get ‘4 for the price of 1.’

Lesson 6
See the funny Parleymutt with the hair gel, beard and 2 mobile phones.
The funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck loves and trusts him.
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Trust! Trust! Trust!
This funny Parleymutt does the marketing and he also washes the clothes of
the funny Parleymutt with the purple towel around his neck.
Marketing! Marketing! Marketing!
Wash! Wash! Wash!
Scrub! Scrub! Scrub!
Parleymutting is hard work.
The funny tax paying people should be grateful for funny hard working Parleymutts like him.

Lesson 7
See the funny ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Funny Parleymutts have 1 or 2 funny ‘Cupboard Meetings’ a month.
But none on full moon days.
(Full moon days are reserved for catching ‘Permanent Rehabilitators of Cattle’
and ‘Liquor Salesman’).
They discuss everything at ‘Cupboard Meetings.’
At this ‘Cupboard Meeting’ they are discussing the drop in oil prices.
The funny tax paying idiots are still paying the old price for a litre of petrol.
Dumb! Dumb! Dumb!
Soon the funny Parleymutts will make a BIG decision.
But not at this ‘Cupboard Meeting.’
Maybe at the next ‘Cupboard Meeting’ that will be held in one month’s time.

Lesson 8
See the funny short Parleymutt Docter with the dark glasses.
He likes to re-arrange up T.V. Stations and steal cameras.
He studied only up to the 8th grade.
He can barely write his name.
But this is enough qualifications to become a funny Parleymutt on Idiot Island.
“Funny Parleymutt, why do you steal cameras and temporarily rehabilitate
jolly cameramen from private T.V. Stations?”
“Because they do not give happy endings to stories about me!”
“I like happy endings!”
Someday a jolly cameraman will hit him with a jolly camera, right on his jolly nut!
What a happy ending THAT will be!
Happy! Happy! Happy!

Lesson 9
Listen to the funny Peacekeeping Comedian talk.
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Lie! Lie! Lie!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
“Is it true that 25,000 tourists were permanently rehabilitated and not a single
humanitarian peacekeeper was either permanently or partly rehabilitated?”
Of course! Of course! Of course!
See his funny nose grow, just like Peenorkeeyo
Grow! Grow! Grow!
“Funny Peacekeeping Comedian, when will the war end?”
There is no war, only a ‘Humanitarian Crusade!’
Blah! Blah! Blah!
Grow! Grow! Grow!
How nice it would be if the funny Peacekeeping Comedian’s
BRAIN would grow instead of his nose!

Lesson 10
See the funny tax-paying idiot.
He is the 8th wonder of the world.
He has a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He believes everything the funny Parleymutts tell him.
The funny Parleymutts T.V. channels and newspapers tell him what he likes to hear.
He believes he lives in the greatest country on Planet Mirth.
He believes he has the greatest culture and the best economy on Planet Mirth.
He believes that women from LunDumb, Parish and Nooyuk,
will one-day work as housemaids in his country.
He also believes that pigs can fly and hell will one-day freeze over.
If this continues, the funny tax-paying idiot will become even more amazing.
He will no longer have a 40-year-old body and a 10-year-old mind.
He will have a 40-year-old body and a FIVE-year-old mind.

I Have A Dream (with apologies to Martin Luther King)

2010-09-13T18:55:00.002+09:00

I have a dream that one day Jilmart Island will rise up and live out the true meaning of MY Chinthanaya: "I PresiDunce Bean hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created subservient to Me, and my family of 300+."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of GeorgiJilmart, the sons of former Tourists and the sons of former Tourist Rehabilitators will be able to sit down together at the table of Jilmarthood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of MississippiWaikkal, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of One Family Rule.

I have a dream that my three sons Ipang, Opang and Japang will one day live in a nation where Jilmartians will be judged by their ties to MY Family and not be judged by the color of their skin or by the content of their character.

I have a dream today for tomorrow and another 2500 years and more! Ha…ha…ha…
I have a dream that one day, down in AlabamaWaikkal, with its humanitarian racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "Maathrooboomeyaa" and "One country One people" -- one day right there in AlabamaWaikkal little Tranquil boys and Tranquil girls will be able to join hands with little Jilmart boys and Jilmart girls as sisters and brothers of one father. That’s ME!

I have a dream today!

And if Jilmart Island is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the prodigious hilltops of New HampshireWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the mighty mountains of New YuckWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the heightening Allegheniesthotta of PennsylvaniaWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the snow-capped Rockies of ColoradoWaikkal.

Let ‘One Family Rule’ ring from the curvaceous slopes of CaliforniaWaikkal.

And when this happens, when we allow ‘One Family Rule’ to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, from every government office we will be able to speed up that day when all of MY children, MY Family of 300+, MY henchmen, MY hangers on, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Jilmart spiritual:
Free at last! Free at last!
Thank Almighty PresiDunce Bean, We Are Free At Last!

Dear Percy (Advice to Phoney Colomboians from a Phony Non-Colomboian Presi-Dunce)

2010-08-30T13:12:00.001+09:00

Dear Percy,
I’m tired of having the right kind of job. I’m tired of wearing the right kind of clothes and being seen in the right kind of places. I’m also tired of driving the right kind of vehicle. In other words, I’m sick of being a Phoney Colomboian. What can I do to change?
E.T.
Dear E.T.,
I suggest you quit your job, sell your vehicle and buy some second hand clothes. Then go and live in a “Welfare Holiday Camp” in WOWneeyar! In other words you can become a Phoney WOWneeyarn!

Dear Percy,
Whenever I go for a film festival at the Jewman Cultural Institute, I never know what’s going on. Afterwards, all my friends analyze and discuss the movie, but when they ask for my opinion, I just stand there looking like an idiot. Please help me!
M.R.

Dear M.R.,
Next time they ask, look misty eyed, sigh and say, “It was such a deep, meaningful and personal experience that I’d rather not discuss it!”

Dear Percy,
I have a problem. I am the mother of an 18 year old girl, and I have given her all the better things in life – designer clothes, a red Porsche, several credit cards and vacations in Shysterland, Toyland and Noisyland. But no matter how hard I try, she persists in wasting her time studying. She claims she wants to become a teacher and teach the young holiday makers living in “Welfare Holiday Camps” in WOWneeyar. Where have I failed her as a mother?
Mrs. F.K.

Dear Mrs. F.K.,
Don’t blame yourself. You did the best you could, and that’s all that counts. If she wants to ruin her life, let her.

Dear Percy,
When is it proper to shake with the right hand, and when is it proper to greet ‘Colomboian Style’ with both palms together in front of your face?
R.R.

Dear R.R.,
Although both palms together in front of your face is the traditional phoney greeting, you are mistaken in calling it the ‘Colomboian Style.’ The ‘Colomboian Style’ greeting for friends, enemies and total strangers alike is a hug and a kiss on both cheeks.

Dear Percy,
Last week I took a girl out to a fancy restaurant for dinner. When the bill came, I pulled out a huge roll of 2000 raypee notes and peeled off 4 notes and paid the bill. Since then she has refused to go out with me. Do you think I was too obvious in trying to impress her?
D.S.

Dear D.S.,
The trouble is, you didn’t impress her at all. Anyone who pays cash in a fancy restaurant must be on the verge of bankruptcy. When you take the next girl out for dinner, use a credit card.

Dear Percy,
Your column irritates me. Why should Colomboians want to be phonies? They should be real and honest like me. I Don’t want to be something I’m not. Nor do I desire things I cannot have. I have found true happiness in my wife and 8 children, and great satisfaction in my job as a simple security guard.
D.B.

Dear D.B.,
I admire you very much. Your argument shows that you are one of the biggest Phoney Colomboians who ever wrote to me. Have you ever thought of getting into politics?

Dear Percy,
I am engaged to a Colomboian who is a right royal phoney. I can’t believe a word he tells me, and his promises are worthless. What should I do?
A.C.

Dear A.C.,
Marry the guy immediately! He has the makings of a great Parleymutt. Who knows, if he is lucky, he might even become Presi-Dunce! I’m a living example of that.

New TIME magazine with Merv the Perv on its cover

2010-08-18T19:25:00.004+09:00

Headlines that could appear in Sri Lankan Newspapers in 2050AD

2010-03-12T16:55:00.001+09:00

President Namal Rajapaksa tells NDTV that the LTTE will be completely defeated by the end of the year!

Prime Minister of India, Rahul Gandhi said at a press conference that India does not support the LTTE, and that there are no LTTE camps on Indian soil.

Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior, Supreme Leader of the LTTE, vows to use two 15 kiloton nuclear devices obtained from North Korea in populated Sinhala areas if a separate state of Eelam is not granted by the Government of Rajapaksa (GOR).

The great pyramid housing the mummified remains of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, father of present President Namal Rajapaksa was completely destroyed by LTTE jets!

The sacred ‘Satakaya’ once worn by the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, which is said to hold magical powers has been secreted away from the Dalada Maligawa to an undisclosed location for safe keeping!

Wimal Weerawansa, former lapdog of the Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa passed away after a brief illness in Disneyland America. The remains will be cremated and buried in Cuba next to the grave of Fidel Castro!

DNA evidence proves beyond a doubt that the former Supreme Leader of the LTTE, Velupillai Prabahakaran was the biological father of present LTTE leader Vinyargamoorthy Muralitharan Junior.

The International Criminal Court convicts Great Emperor Percy Rajapaksa, Gotabaya Rajapaksa and General Sarath Fonseka, (all three who are now deceased) for being responsible for the deaths of over 20,000 Tamil civilians during the final stages of the war against the LTTE, 41 years ago.

The Great Wall of Sri Lanka, which was built in 2012AD, across the north of Sri Lanka to prevent LTTE rebels from crossing over to the south, is the only man made structure that can be seen from outer space, said Urine Gagarine Rajapaksa, the first Sri Lankan astronaut to orbit the earth!

The Jathika Hela Urumaya requests all patriotic Sinhala Buddhists not to vote for UNP Presidential Candidate, Barakamesh Hobarmysingham (a Tamil), because he vows to devolve maximum powers to the minorities in the north and east, and in doing so, bring to an end the 100 year conflict between the Sinhalese and the Tamils.

The yearly pilgrimage to the graves of Military Comedian Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara and Government Comedian Keheliya Rambukwella, who kept audiences worldwide in stitches with their daily utterances and tall stories about Eelam War IV, over 40 years ago, will not be held this year due to security reasons, said Charlie Chaplin Rajapaksa, the spokesman for "The Clowns and Comedians Worldwide Association."

President Namal Rajapaksa promised the 3,00,000 refugees who were displaced due to the war, 41 years ago, that he would re-settle them after the LTTE was completely defeated!

Cabraal Nivaad Ajith, Central Bank Governor and son of former Governor, (the late Ajith Nivaad Cabraal) said that the 2.6 billion US$ loan that Sri Lanka requested from the IMF in 2009, would be received in the near future.

95 year old Jathika Hela Urumaya monk, Athuruliye Rathna Thero told journalists that the only way "Mathata Thitha," the complete eradication of alcohol and drugs from society would succeed was, if society was completely eradicated. He further stated that a special bill on how this could be done would be presented to parliament in the near future.

BEANheen Air – We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight

2010-03-09T18:23:00.002+09:00

“Good day, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to BEANheen Air. This is your captain speaking. I am happy to announce that this is the first supersonic flight undertaken by BEANheen Air from Idiot Island to Libby Yar. We will be flying at an altitude of 90,000 feet and a speed of 1800km per hour. Our flying time from Idiot Island to Libby Yar will be 2 hours and 45 minutes.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, I know you are wondering why we have been waiting to take off for over 2 hours. Unfortunately, His
Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has been held up in traffic. We will be taking off as soon as she gets on board. In the mean time you are kindly requested to watch the in-flight movie of our beloved Presi-Dunce and his Royal Family of 300+ on their recent visit to LunDumb, Parish and NooYuk.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean’s brother’s wife’s sister’s daughter has finally got on board. We have now been cleared for take off. I apologize for the 6 hour delay at the runway. The stewardesses will now serve you Kurakang bread and Kola Kenda.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have broken some sort of record. Our flying time to Libby Yar was 2 hours and 31 minutes. Unfortunately there are many planes circling the airport, and we have been asked to fly over the Sha-Ha-Raa desert and hold there at 65,000 feet.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, since I last spoke to you, 90 minutes ago, I regret the Libby Yar airport has asked us to maintain altitude and fly in a pattern over Tim-Buck-Too.”

“Friend’s, I know you are all very tired and hungry and thirsty, but trying to break down my door is not going to help anybody. We should be getting the green light from Libby Yar at anytime now…”

“We will be permitted to land within the next hour. Please fasten your safety belts, and may the blessings of His Hex-A-Lunacy the Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscient Presi-Dunce Percy Jilmart Bean be upon you all!”

“We are now on the ground at Libby Yar airport. Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be any room at the ramp, and we have been asked to wait out here until someone leaves. It should not take more than 40 or 50 minutes. Until then, please relax and watch the in-flight movie number 2 of our beloved Presi-Dunce’s recent visit to Eeeran, Meandmymaa and Shyna.”

“Well ladies and gentlemen, here we are at the terminal, and I hope you enjoyed the maiden supersonic flight of BEANheen Air. I’m happy to announce we beat the previous record set by ChristoBean ColomBus when he crossed the Hatlantik in 1492 in the NeenaBean, the PintaBean and the SantamariaBean by 4 hours and 12 minutes.”

“Have a wonderful day, and don’t forget to tell your friends and relatives about BEANheen Air. Our motto as always is: We Serve You Right When You Take Our Flight!

Jaya Hoo!

ETISALAT - Was never about you...Duh!

2010-03-09T15:06:00.001+09:00

Sir NUT Jew Sorrya

2010-03-08T21:53:00.002+09:00

Alivar Twistasingham by Charles Dickensekeram

2010-03-08T19:55:00.001+09:00

The room in which the former child soldiers were fed was quite large. Here the cook assisted by one or two women ladled the Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread at mealtimes. The bowls never wanted washing. The former child soldiers polished them with their spoons until they shone; and when they had performed this humanitarian operation, they would sit staring at the cook. Alivar Twistasingham and his companions suffered the tortures of slow starvation for three months due to the GSP+ concession having been withdrawn.

At last they got so voracious and wild with hunger that one former child soldier hinted darkly that unless he had a two-thirds majority of Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread, he might some night decide to go over to the opposition or maybe even eat the boy who slept next to him. He had a wild hungry eye and kept screaming ‘Maathroooboomeeyaa…’ in his sleep; and they implicitly believed him.

A council was held and votes were cast to find out who would walk up to the cook after dinner and ask for more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread. Due to a computer ‘Jilmart’ while counting the votes, the task fell upon Alivar. The evening arrived and the boys took their places. The Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread disappeared; the boys whispered ‘Maathroooboomeeyaa…’ to each other and winked at Alivar.

As he was desperate with hunger, he rose from the table and advanced towards the cook with his bowl and spoon in hand and said, “Please, sir, I want some more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.” The cook turned very pale, his assistants were paralysed with wonder and the boys with fear. “What!” Said the cook in a faint voice. “Please sir,” said Alivar, “I want some more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.”

The cook aimed a humanitarian blow at Alivar’s head with the ladle and shrieked aloud for the ‘Welfare Holiday Camp’ Commandant.

The Military Court was sitting in solemn conclave, when Commandant Bumblepaksha rushed into the room in great excitement and said, “I beg your pardon sirs! Alivar Twistasingham has asked for more Kola Kenda and Kurakang bread.” There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance. Alivar was ordered into instant confinement under the ‘Prevention Of Tourism’ Act, and a reward of 5 pounds was offered to anybody who could prove that Alivar was hatching an International Conspiracy to bring the ‘Welfare Holiday Camp’ into disrepute.

(To be continued no sooner than when the fundamental rights case filed by Alivar Twistasingham, against his unlawful arrest and confinement, naming the cook and Mr, Bumblepaksha as respondents is taken up for review by the Supreme Court).

Why not to vote!

2010-02-22T22:43:00.002+09:00

You're only one in a million, so why bother to vote, to speak up, to get involved, to commit yourself? German author Hans Habe answers this way: "The world is one percent good, one percent bad, and 98 percent neutral, and this is why what individuals do is important.

In the case of Sri Lanka, there is a 69 percent vocal majority and a 31 percent powerless minority. And a situation where the President is elected only from the 69 percent vocal majority, and never from the 31 percent powerless minority!
Now the 64 million dollar question is, WHY VOTE when the henchmen and henchwomen of the Royal Family eventually SELECTS who WINS and who LOSES…and by how much they win by at the counting centres.

The only way forward is for this country to be once again administered by Britain or some other 1st world country. Until then, Sri Lanka will meander along as a 'Can't be developed country,' ruled by an oriental despot and his Royal Family of 300+.

Jathika Hela Urumaya Sex Laws

2010-02-22T21:49:00.001+09:00

Here are some repressive laws designed to regulate private sexual conduct in Sri Lanka. These laws will come into effect the day the "Jathika Hela Urumaya" comes to power and Sri Lanka is turned into a "Dharma Raajya."

1) Couples found kissing under an umbrella will have their umbrella confiscated and their lips sealed with super glue for not less than a period of six months.

2) Perversion will be defined by law as any sexual act that requires enough energy to regenerate a self-winding wrist watch.

3) Any individual who has been convicted of bestiality or sodomy will be required by law to wear a dog collar while mixing in public.

4) It will be considered a felony with a five year jail term for exhibiting a vasectomy scar to any female other than your wife.

5) Any sexual act that "burns ones eyebrows or pubic hair, leaves the tip of one's nose bruised or results in bite marks to any part of one's anatomy will be considered a criminal offence.

6) A minimum of eight years rigorous imprisonment will be the punishment for any man convicted of weighing his genitals in mixed company.

7) A fine of Rupees 5000/- will be prescribed for anyone who tosses confetti in the air while reaching a sexual climax.

8) A gynaecologist's hands will be considered deadly weapons and will have to be registered like firearms with the police department.

9) Ten years imprisonment will be the punishment for anyone engaged in the manufacture, sale, distribution or use of contraceptives and aphrodisiacs.

10) Any orgasm that registers on a Richter scale will be considered a crime against nature and will be punishable by not more than six months of solitary confinement.

11) It will be unlawful to wear a purple shirt, a pink trouser and white shoes while seducing a fashion designers daughter.

12) Teenagers will be required to sleep with both hands cuffed to the bed posts until they reach marriageable age.

13) An unmarried man who is found performing oral sex in a shopping cart in any 'Sathosa' supermarket automatically becomes ineligible for food stamps.

14) It will be against the law for an unmarried woman to own, manage or work in a sperm bank.

15) Any woman who arouses herself with a vegetable or any foreign object will be hanged.

16) Any soldier who dies while having intercourse with a prostitute will not be buried in a military cemetery with full military honours.

17) The death penalty will be invoked on anyone who inflates a condom at a children's birthday party.

18) Any intercourse that doesn't result in pregnancy will be deemed unlawful.

19) Anyone convicted of having sexual relations with the dead will not be legally permitted to celebrate Halloween.

20) The removal of the price tag from a water bed will be considered a misdemeanour. The act automatically becomes a felony if one happens to be having intercourse on the water bed at that time.

The Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean Prayer

2010-02-22T17:52:00.001+09:00

Our Presi-Dunce who art in Hotel de Temple Palace,

Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean be thy name,

Thy KingDumb come, thy election will be won,

And thy Royal Family of 300+ will be in 7th Heaven.

Give us this day a packet of rice, and a 500 rupee bribe,

And urge us to vote for you, as we voted for you in 2005.

And lead us not into inflation, but deliver us from international conspiracies,

For thine is the army, navy, air force and police,

And the judges and the jury,

And the power and the glory,

Forever and ever,

Amen and Jaya HOO!

My Name is NOT Khan…

2010-02-19T23:36:00.001+09:00

… It's Percy 'Jilmart' Bean! Presi-Dunce of "The DemoCrazy, TheoCrazy, International Conspiracy of Idiot Island!

Idiot Islanders Rejoice! You may have lost the GSP+...but you have gained ME and my Royal Family of 300+...

That Japang dude Sushi Yakashi once asked me, how often I had elections…and I replied to him that I have an election every time I see that Hinacurly girl!

The Shyneese Premier dude once asked me how many erections I have had since I was erected Presi-Dunce…and I told him to go ask the erections commissioner! Duh!

While having rice and curry with ME and my Royal Family of 300+…the Titalian Premier told me he wanna fork! I told him you no fork in front of my Royal Family of 300+ ! But he tell me he wanna fork on the table! I tell him, you no fork on the table you sonama beach! And he tell me, then at least give him a spoon. So I say, “Waiter! Give this man a spoon!” And he eat his rice and curry with the spoon; and he no longer wanna fork on the table. Bloody Titalians!

My 3 sons Ipang, Opang and Japang once asked me if all Fairy Tales began with ‘Once Upon A Time?’ And I said Nooo… some Fairy Tales begin with, When I Become Presi-Dunce…

When I’m at home, everyone kisses my butt…and when I’m abroad, I kiss everyone’s butt! I recently kissed Moda Dave and Putting’s butts when I went to Rooseeyar. I once even kissed the tarmac in the airport! Of all the butts I’ve kissed, the butt of Kernal GodayaFree of Labia, smelt the nicest!

Peepal’s who don’t love the country, call me by many names like Idi Amin Bean, Adolf Bean, Mugabe Bean and Pol Pot Bean. My reply to these peepal’s is the same as what my good friend Willyman Shake His Spear used to say… “A ruse by any other name, would still smell fishy like a computer ‘jilmart’ election fraud!”

Some Shynees dude said, many years ago, if you want to be remembered beyond your time…you must plant a tree, bear a son and write a book . Well I, Percy ‘Jilmart’ Bean have uprooted thousands of trees to build an airport that nobody needs. I have 3 sons called Ipang, Opang and Japang who are 3 chips of the old block. And I have written 2 bestsellers called “My Name is NOT Khan” and “My Name Is Percy 'Jilmart' Bean!” I guess 2 out of 3 isn’t that bad eh? Without a doubt, the Percy 'Jilmart' Bean Reich will last a thousand years, and the name Percy 'Jilmart' Bean will last a thousand more! JAYA HOO!

The tourist in the chicken coop

2010-02-19T21:08:00.002+09:00

Once upon a time, on a sunny morning on Idiot Island, a man looked out of the window and saw a tourist inside his chicken coop. So the man went to the bedroom where his wife was still asleep and woke her.

“There is a tourist in the chicken coop,” he said, “and I think he is hatching an international conspiracy!”

His wife opened one angry eye and looked at him.
“Tourism has been completely defeated,” she said. “There are no longer any tourists on Idiot Island...not even the ones who went around waving white thermos flasks!”

So the man walked out slowly into the garden and went towards the chicken coop. The tourist was still there.

“Are you a tourist or a state tourist? The man asked. “I’m a tourist, and I’m hatching an international conspiracy using NGO money to bring the government of Idiot Island into disrepute!” the tourist replied.

So the man walked back into the house and roused his wife again. “The tourist is hatching an international conspiracy using NGO money to bring the government of Idiot Island into disrepute!” he said.

His wife sat up in bed and looked at him coldly.
“You are an unpatriotic idiot who doesn’t love his country,” she said, “and I’m going to have you arrested under the Prevention of Tourism Act!”

The man who was a patriot, who didn’t boast about it to anyone, thought for a moment. “We shall see about that,” he said. Then he walked back towards the chicken coop to watch the tourist. But the tourist had vanished! Maybe a ‘White Unidentified Four-wheeled Object’ (WUFO) had made him vanish thought the man.

The wife got up and dressed as fast as she could. She was very excited, thinking about the reward she would get for capturing a traitor. So she hung the national flag from the window and telephoned the Peacekeepers and the Minister for the Prevention Of Tourism, (POT) and told them to hurry to her house as soon as possible!

When the Peacekeepers and the Minister of POT arrived, they sat down and looked at her with great interest.
“My husband,” she said, “saw a tourist inside a chicken coop this morning!”

The Peacekeepers looked at the Minister of POT, and the Minister of POT looked at the Peacekeepers.
“He told me that the tourist was hatching an international conspiracy using NGO money!” she said.

The Minister of POT looked at the Peacekeepers, and the Peacekeepers looked at the Minister of POT.
“He told me the tourist was planning on bringing disrepute on the government of Idiot Island!” she said.

At a signal from the Minister of POT, the Peacekeepers leapt from their chairs and seized the wife. She put up a terrific struggle, but they finally got her under control, just as the husband came back from the chicken coop.

“Did you tell your wife you saw a tourist in the chicken coop?” asked the Minister of POT.
“Of course not,” said the husband. “Tourism has been completely defeated and there are no longer any tourists on Idiot Island...not even the ones who went around waving white thermos flasks!”

“That’s all I wanted to hear,” said the Minister of POT. “Take her away. I’m sorry sir, but your wife is a threat to national security!”
So they took her away, cursing and screaming and locked her up in a navy camp under the ‘Prevention of Terrorism Act.’

And so the husband lived happily ever after.

The Moral of the story:
Don’t count your international conspiracies before they are hatched.

2010 Rigged Presidential Election Results of Sri Lanka

2010-02-03T23:20:00.002+09:00

If the Rogerproxys’ ruled the world…?

2010-02-03T21:30:00.002+09:00

…Planet Earth would be named Planet Rogerproxy.

…Planet Rogerproxy would be ruled by the qudrumvirate of brothers.

…Supreme Leader IdiMihin Rogerproxy would rule Asia and the Pacific Islands, including Australia and New Zealand…Tenperzent Rogerproxy would rule Europe…Eldabrada Rogerproxy would rule Africa and the Muddled East and Attilla da Goatproxy would rule North and South America.

…Every household on Planet Rogerproxy would be required to hang a picture of the Rogerproxy Brothers in their homes.

…There would no longer be Americans, Indians, British, French, Germans etc. There would only be Rogerproxyans.

…Henceforth there would only be one religion which would be called Rogerproxyism.

…All Rogerproxyans living on Planet Rogerproxy would have to chant “IdidMihin Rogerproxy is the one GOD, and Attilla da Goatproxy is his brother!” five times a day, 365 days a year.

…There would be motivational hoardings put up all around Planet Rogerproxy with messages like, “Big Brothers’ are Watching You,” “Long Live the One Family Dictatorship,” “War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength,” etc…

…There would be one world currency called the Rogerproxy Rupee.

…There would be only 2 newspapers printed Worldwide called the ‘Sunday Rogerproxy’ and the ‘Daily Rogerproxy.’

…There would be only one TV channel called the ‘Independent Rogerproxy Network’ and one radio channel called ‘The Rogerproxy Broadcasting Corporation.’

…There would be only one search engine for the worldwide web called,
www.rogerproxy.com

…Famous place names, buildings, landmarks etc like the Eiffel Tower, Sydney Opera House, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Niagara Falls, Taj Mahal, Mount Everest, Buckingham Palace and The Great Wall of China would become,,,
… Rogerproxy Tower, Rogerproxy Opera House, Leaning Tower of Rogerproxy, Rogerproxy Falls, Rogerproxy Mahal, Mount Rogerproxy, Rogerproxy Palace and The Great Wall of Rogerproxy.

…Names of famous people past and present would have to include the Rogerproxy name, for example: Einstein Rogerproxy, Napoleon Rogerproxy, Hitler Rogerproxy, Ceasar Rogerproxy, Castro Rogerproxy, Che Guevara Rogerproxy, Queen Elizabeth Rogerproxy, Lady Diana Rogerproxy, Prince Charles Rogerproxy, Mother Theresa Rogerproxy, Pope Benedict Rogerproxy, Obama Rogerproxy, Sadam Rogerproxy, Osama Bin Rogerproxy, Lenin Rogerproxy, Marx Rogerproxy, Nelson Mandela Rogerproxy and Gandhi Rogerproxy to name just a few.

…Famous books would have their titles changed, for example:
The Brothers Rogerproxy by Fyodor Dostoyevsky Rogerproxy
Lady Rogerproxy’s Lover by D.H.Lawrence Rogerproxy
The Four Rogerproxys by Alexander Dumas Rogerproxy
On the Road with Rogerproxy by Jack Kerouac Rogerproxy
King Rogerproxy and the Knights of the Round Table by Rogerproxy Rogerproxy (an autobiography)
Moby Dick Rogerproxy by Herman Melville Rogerproxy
Robinson Crusoe Rogerproxy by Daniel Defoe Rogerproxy
Swiss Family Rogerproxy by Johann Rogerproxy Wyss
Adventures of Tom Sawyer Rogerproxy by Mark Twain Rogerproxy
Romeo and Juliet Rogerproxy by William Shakespeare Rogerproxy
The Emperor Rogerproxy’s New Clothes by Hans Christian Andersan Rogerproxy
The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam Rogerproxy by Edward Fitzgerald Rogerproxy
Aesop Rogerproxy’s Fables by V.S. Vernon Jones Rogerproxy
The Grapes of Rogerproxy’s Wrath by John Steinbeck Rogerproxy
To name but a few.

…Famous movie stars would change their names to Aishwariya Rogerproxy, Sharuk Rogerproxy, Salman Rogerproxy, Amitab Bachan Rogerproxy, Kajol Rogerproxy, Madhuri Dixit Rogerproxy, Sanjay Dutt Rogerproxy, Angelina Jollie Rogerproxy, Jessica Alba Rogerproxy, Vin Diesel Rogerproxy, Tom Cruise Rogerproxy, John Abraham Rogerproxy and Preety Zinta Rogerproxy.

…Niccolo Machiavelli Rogerproxy’s famous book “The Prince” would be renamed “The Wannabe King” (aka The Caretaker), and Sun Tzu Rogerproxy’s book, “The Art of War” would be renamed “The Art of Humanitarian Operations.”
Leo Tolstoy Rogerproxy’s “War and Peace” would be renamed “Humanitarian Operations and Peace.”

…Henceforth the 1st and 2nd World Wars would be known as “1st World Hymanitarian Operation” and the “2nd World Humanitarian Operation.”
We would then have “The Japaneese Humanitarian Operation of Pearl Harbour,” and “The Dropping of Humanitarian Fireworks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki by the Americans.”

…When asked by someone, “Who came first…the chicken the egg or the Rogerproxys’?” The correct answer would be, “The Rogerproxys.” Those who get the answer wrong would have to spend six months in a “Welfare Humanitarian Holiday Camp.”

…The United Nations would change it’s name to “The Rogerproxy Nations,” after which there would be only 2 kinds of nations; nations that love the Rogerproxys’ and nations that do not love the Rogerproxys.’

…Nations that love the Rogerproxys’ will be known as ‘Patriot Nations’ and nations that do not love them will be known as ‘International Conspiracy Nations.’

…All roads that used to lead to Rome, will now lead to Humbugthotta.

…The Rogerproxy Nations Secretary General would change his name from Ban Ki Moon to Ban Ki Rogerproxy.

…WHO and WFO would change their names to the “Rogerproxy Health Organisation” and the “Rogerproxy Food Programme.”
…World history would be rewritten: Homo Sapiens would become Homo Rogerproxyans.

…Alexander the Great would become Rogerproxy the Great.

…The barbarian hordes who overran the Roman Empire would be known as the RogerGothproxyans, RogerVandalproxyans, RogerFrankproxyans, RogerSaxonproxyans and the RogerHunproxyans.

…In time to come, The Rogerproxys’ would become living GODS eating and drinking only special food like ambrosia and nectar meant for the Gods, and all Rogerproxyans from around Planet Rogerproxy would make a yearly pilgrimage to worship and seek blessings from the Rogerproxys.

…for the time being, I need to take a break as I need to puke. I will be back soon…until then, may the blessings of the Rogerproxys’ be with you all. Jaya Hooo!

His Hex-A-Lunacy,
Presi-Dunce Bean.
Pres-Dunce of Idiot Island.

Jollyass Seesaw (A Funny Tragedy)

2009-12-10T20:12:00.002+09:00

Once upon a time, when Jollyass Seesaw was Caretaker of Idiot Island, he led his Peacekeeping forces against the Tranquil Tourists in the north of the island. After a long drawn out humanitarian crusade, he was finally able to subdue them, and returned to the capital city Koollamboob in triumph. There were many celebrations throughout the country with drinking, dancing, eating of milk rice and lighting of fire crackers. The Idiot Islanders thronged the streets in their best clothes, cheering Seesaw, while putting up banners and hoardings of him and garlanding his statues.

As Seesaws bulletproof limousine passed through the crowd, there was seated beside him, his wife Mrs. Seesaw and his most trusted companion and chief advisor, Antony Wansahero. Also included in his entourage was dynamic and eloquent opposition parleymutt Ronnywicks, General Brootoast Funnyshaker, Tilvanius and Wansasumo. As they passed along, the Idiot Islanders cheered and pressed upon them, and yet above the tumult one voice sounded shriller than the rest as it cried out, "Seesaw! Seesaw!" Seesaw too, heard the voice and signalled the driver to stop while he listened. The man was a soothsayer who did a weekly astrology program on a private TV station.

When he saw that Seesaw had halted, he said: "Beware the Ides of January!" So Seesaw ordered that the man should come out of the crowd so that he might see him. Once more the soothsayer said, "Beware the Ides of January!" Seesaw with a shrug replied, "He is an international conspirator. Have him taken to the fourth floor of the Butterland Pleasure Chambers, and tickle him with chicken feathers, and question him for 24 hours!"

As the procession continued towards the Pompeydasa International Amphitheatre, General Brootoast paused as if reluctant to continue on. Tilvanius who had been watching him closely, asked Brootoast whether he did not want to watch the Idiot Island versus Hindiyaar crooked match; to which Brootoast answered that he had better things to do than to watch 22 grown men chasing after a white ball. The streets by this time were deserted, as everyone had gone to witness the match. After a while, Tilvanius and Brootoast heard the sounds of shouting and the sounds of paparay bands. "What does that shouting mean?" asked Brootoast. "I fear the Idiot Islanders will choose Seesaw for their king!" replied Tilvanius. "Though I love the man, I would not want him as my king!" said Brootoast. This gave Tilvanius the opening he desired, to try and stir Brootoast against Seesaw. So he went on, "A few years ago, during the caretaker elections, Seesaw cried out to me and Wansasumo. 'Help me Tilvanius…help me Wansasumo…to become caretaker of Idiot Island!' And so we helped him. This is the man who has now become a God, and Tilvanius must bow low before him if he merely looks my way. When he was afflicted by swine flu, the colour fled from his lips and he murmured like a sick girl, 'Give me some water, Tilvanius.' And yet a man so feeble has become supreme in the whole country!"
By this time Seesaw and his entourage were coming back from the match. Hindiyaar had won in the final over, with 3 balls to spare. Seesaw had noticed that Brootoast and Tilvanius were no longer with him, and when he saw them whispering together and looking at him, he pointed them out to Wanshero. "Let me have men that are fat and sleep well at night. That Tilvanius looks lean and hungry; he thinks too much, and such men are dangerous; if there were a man I could fear, Tilvanius is the first man I should avoid!" Anthony Wansahero did not agree with Seesaw. He was an easy-going man who loved wine, women, song and playing around with his two state-of-the-art cellular phones. When Seesaw and the rest had left, Brootoast asked Wansasumo what had happened at the Pompeydasa International Amphitheatre, and Wansasumo replied, "The Idiot Islanders offered him a crown 3 times, and each time Seesaw refused it and said, I'm not your king...I'm only your caretaker!"

After that the 3 men parted. When they had gone, Tilvanius knew that his plan was succeeding. Brootoast was an honourable humanitarian, yet he could be persuaded. A few days later, a terrible storm broke over Idiot Island, and strange incidents started to happen throughout the country. The stock market crashed; many foreign investors wound up their businesses and left the island; most countries in their travel advisories warned their citizens against visiting the island; rich countries stopped lending money to Seesaw's government, and United Bankers secretary general Banking Boom urged Seesaw to resettle the Tranquil Welfare Holiday Campers as soon as possible. All these strange events seemed to portend some great calamity. Most Idiot Islanders were terrified by what was happening. Tilvanius who met Wansasumo on the street, told him that the heavens were sending these warnings because the Idiot Islanders were trying to turn mortal men into immortal Gods! "You mean Seesaw?" asked Wansasumo. "Yes indeed," replied Tilvanius, "they say that tomorrow the parleymutts mean to make Seesaw a king, and he will wear his crown where ever he goes!"

Meanwhile Brootoast was pacing up and down in his house. The more he thought, the more he realised that only through the permanent rehabilitation of Seesaw could Idiot Island really be free. So far Seesaw had only used his power to form a dynasty and install his close relatives in key government positions; but once he was crowned king, he would have unlimited power. In the evening, Tilvanius and his international conspirators entered the house of Brootoast. They were – Wansasumo, Kehelmala, Milimoro, Rayjasenna, Amusara, Tenderman, Seefour and Esbidi. Brootoast welcomed them all and shook each man by the hand. Then they all sat down and began to discuss how their plot might be carried out. In time Tilvanius said, "It is doubtful whether Seesaw will appear tomorrow, for he has become superstitious lately and these strange omens and the persuasion of his advisors will keep him away from the parleymutts building!" "Never fear that," said Milimoro, "I can persuade Seesaw and bring him to the parleymutts building." As everything was decided, each conspirator left for their respective homes, leaving Brootoast home alone.
All that night the thunder and lightning continued and no one on Idiot Island slept...that is except for the deaf, dumb and blind. In the morning, Mrs. Seesaw begged Seesaw not to leave for the parleymutts building. She pleaded with him to send Antony Wansahero to inform the parleymutts that Seesaw was not well. But just then, Milimoro arrived and bade Seesaw a good morning, and said that he had come to accompany him to the parleymutts building. Seesaw replied to Milimoro, "Tell the parleymutts that I will not attend today as Mrs. Seesaw saw a bad dream about me!" "But Seesaw!" interjected Milimoro, "The parleymutts have agreed this day to bestow a crown upon Seesaw. If you do not attend today, it will become a joke; and people will say, 'Dismiss the parleymutts until Mrs. Seesaw has better dreams.' If Seesaw hides himself, they will say that the mighty Seesaw is afraid!" Seesaw was so convinced by Milimoro's words that he set off with him to the parleymutts building.
As they passed through the streets Seesaw saw the soothsayer, who had by this time had been released from the fourth floor of the Butterland Pleasure Chambers, and said to him smiling, "The Ides of January are come!" "Yes Seesaw," he replied, "but not gone!" So Seesaw entered the parleymutts building and took his seat.

The international conspirators drew near to him, and crowded around him. First Brootoast knelt before him, took his hand and kissed it. Then on the other side, Tilvanius knelt before him, and so did the rest of the conspirators. By this time, Wansasumo had crept around behind Seesaw's chair. Suddenly with his 9 millimetre pistol drawn, he cried out, "Speak, 9 millimetre for me!" Then all of them fell upon Seesaw with their 9 millimetres drawn, and shot him again and again. For a while Seesaw resisted, but when he saw that General Brootoast his friend was also one of the conspirators, he cried out, "Et tu Brootoast! You son of a beach ball!" Then he hid his face with the red towel he wore around his neck, and fell permanently rehabilitated at the foot of Pompeydaasa's statue. When the conspirators saw that Seesaw was permanently rehabilitated, they cried out aloud, "Liberty! Freedom! Jayaho! Tyranny is permanently rehabilitated!" When Antony Wansahero appeared, Brootoast turned towards him and told him to take Seesaw's body to the Barney Roman Funeral Parlour and prepare it for the funeral. After which he was instructed to bring the casket to the Independence Circle where Wansahero could speak on behalf of Seesaw.

On the day of Seesaw's funeral, first spoke Brootoast. Brootoast said, "Seesaw once said that there are only two kinds of people on Idiot Island! Those who love the island, and those who do not love the Island! I Brootoast loved Idiot Island, which is why I permanently rehabilitated Seesaw. If I have offended anybody by my deed, speak up!" And the crowd shouted back, "Brootoast has offended no one! The wannabe king is dead! Long live Brootoast the new caretaker of Idiot Island!"
And then it was the turn of Antony Wansahero. Wansahero went up to the podium and checked the microphone, and began to speak. "Friends, Idiot Islanders, Country Bumpkins...lend me your ears, and I promise to return them after I have finished with them! The evil that men do lies buried up north in thousands of unmarked graves. The good is also interred with the bones. I come to speak at Seesaws funeral because he was my friend, faithful and just to me; and not because Seesaw made me his chief advisor or gave me a large mansion to live in or lavished me with many backup vehicles and hundreds of bodyguards! But Brootoast says he was ambitious! And I say that's because Seesaw did not give Brootoast a large mansion to live in or lavish him with many backup vehicles and hundreds of bodyguards! I say this is sour grapes Brootoast! But Brootoast is an honourable humanitarian."

Then Antony Wanshero produced a folded paper which he held up for the crowd to see. "Here is a paper sealed with Seesaws seal! It is his last will and testament." The people wondered what might be in the will, and they cried out to Antony Wansahero to read it. So Wansahero unfolded the paper and began to read the will.
"To every Idiot Islander I leave ten raypees each. My Shysterland bank accounts I leave to my family members. The Yale and Wilpot jungles, the rivers, lakes, valleys, mountains, waterfalls, the fish in the sea and animals on the land I bequeath to the citizens on Idiot Island. I also leave them a half finished harbour, a not yet begun airport and my bankrupt 'Seesaw Air' airlines!" The crowd roared with satisfaction, and there was much clapping and cheering after the will was read. After that the crowd took Seesaws body, made a pyre with anything that would burn. They then set Seesaws body on it, and set fire to it. Then taking burning fagots from the pyre, they ran around to the houses of the conspirators and set them on fire.

Brootoast and Tilvanius and their friends managed to escape to Hindiyaar where they raised a peacekeeping force with which they prepared to meet Antony Wansahero. As time went on Brootoast and Tilvanius started to fight amongst themselves as to who would be caretaker after Wansahero was defeated. Wansahero in the mean time had landed in Hindiyaar with a large peacekeeping force of his own, and surrounded Brootoast and Tilvanius. Brootoast and Tilvanius committed seaside by jumping in the sea, rather than surrender to Wansahero. And thus those responsible for the permanent rehabilitation of Seesaw were permanently rehabilitated themselves. Nevertheless, Antony Wansahero honoured Brootoast, for of all the conspirators he alone was moved not by envy of Seesaw, but by a desire for the good of his country.

Idiot Islanders For Democrazy Anarchy!

2009-12-07T22:39:00.001+09:00

We at IIFDA hope to, “Wipe out Corruption in Government by wiping out Government!”
We will, “Give Government back to the People and make everyone his/her own lawmaker!”

LET’S RETURN TO THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE!

1. Don’t vote on Election Day!

2. Don’t support any political parties!

3. Don’t obey the laws of the land!

4. Don’t inform authorities about potential seaside bummers who target parleymutts!

5. Don’t inform authorities about roadside bums targeted at parleymutts!

6. Don’t watch government TV or read government newspapers!

7. Don’t even join this organisation!

We are a non-profit organisation dedicated to the proposition that “Government Stinks!” and the people who vote for parleymutts stink even more!

JOIN NOW!

The job isn’t over until the paperwork is done!

2009-12-07T15:50:00.002+09:00

Let’s face it…when a man’s gotta go…a man’s gotta go!
At times like this, to be or not to be, is not the question…but how and where you can be! After some deliberation and the matter has been dropped, the best paper to wipe your rear end is none other than “Percy Bean Toilet Paper!”

“Percy Bean Toilet Paper” is manufactured to international standards with stringent quality control. World leaders like Barrack Obama, Gordon Brown, David Milliband, Manmohan Singh, Hillary Clinton, Kevin Rudd and Erik Solheim swear by “Percy Bean Toilet Paper,” and never leave home without a couple of rolls.

“Percy Bean Toilet Paper” has become an instant hit with Tranquil Holiday Campers taking an extended holiday in "Welfare Holiday Camps" in the north of the "Democrazy Theocrazy Banana Republic of Idiot Island."

According to eyewitness reports, 3,00,000 Tranquil Holiday Campers using “Percy Bean Toilet Paper” to wipe their rear ends, 7 days a week, 365 days a year is certainly a sight for sore eyes!

Buy ONE and get ONE FREE!

HURRY! Offer Valid Till Stocks Last!

Available Island wide at all leading Super Markets and Restaurants!

Presidential Advisor Nishantha Muthuhettigama

2009-12-03T21:47:00.002+09:00

If Famous Movies were remade in Sri Lanka…

2009-12-03T19:07:00.002+09:00

War & Peace would become, War is Election Victories.

Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince would become, Harry Potter & the Blood Thirsty Wannabe KING.

The Passion of Christ would become, The War Passion of Mahinda.

Star Wars would become, Humanitarian Wars.

The Last of the Mohicans would become, The Last of the Tigers.

Lord of the Rings would become, Lord of the GREENS (Starring Ranil Wickramasinghe)

Slum Dog Millionaire would become, Four War Lord Millionaire Brothers.

Doctor Zhivago would become, Doctor Mervin Silva.

Cry Freedom would become, Cry Human Rights Abuses.

Star Wars – Return of the Jedi would become, Humanitarian Wars – Return of the Praba.

Mission Impossible would become, Free & Fair Elections is a Mission Impossible.

The Good, Bad & the Ugly would become, Ranil, Gotabaya & Bandula Gunewardene.

Kill Bill would become, Kill Lasantha.

Robin Hood & his Merry Men would become, Prabahakaran & his Suicidal Men.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would become, The Four Brothers of the Family Dictatorship.

Anthony & Cleopatra would become, Karuna & Pillayan.

Catch Me If You Can would become, Catch Lasantha’s Killers If You Can.

Treasure Island would become, IDIOT ISLAND.

Enter the Dragon would become, Enter the No Fire Zone.

Austin Powers ‘Goldmember’ would become, Mervin Silva ‘Member of Parliament.

David Copperfield would become, David Milliband.

The Three Musketeers would become, The Four Rajapaksas.

Close Encounters of the Third Kind would become, Ceasefire for the Last Time.

Gangs of New York would become, White Van Gangs of Colombo.

The Greatest Story Ever Told would become, The Tallest Stories Ever Told. (Starring Keheliya Rambukwella & Brigadier Udaya Nanayakara.

Lawrence of Arabia would become, Gaddafi of Libya.

The Matrix would become, The Politricksters.

Raging Bull would become, Raging BULLY. (Starring Mervin Silva)

The Mummy would become, The DUMMY. (Starring R.Duminda Silva)

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest would become, One Dropped Cluster Bombs on the NO FIRE ZONE.

No Retreat, No Surrender would become, No Ceasefire, No Devolution of Power.

The Great Train Robbery would become, The Great Helping Hambanthota Tsunami Aid Robbery.

Tarzan of the Apes would become, Mahinda of the Sinhala Buddhists.

The Great Escape would become, The Great Escape of Praba.

Ocean’s Eleven would become, Mahinda’s Hundred an Eleven (Cabinet Ministers).

The Killing Fields would become, The Killing Fields of the NO FIRE ZONE.

Rasputin the Mad Monk would become, Jathika Hela Urumaya & its Racist Monks.

The Guns of Navarone would become, The Guns of Vellamoolyvaikal.

Dirty Harry would become, Dirty Harry Jayawardene.

The Creature From the Black Lagoon would become, The Creature From the Diyawanna Oya. (Starring Mervin Silva)

A Fist Full of Dollars would become, A Fist Full of IMF Dollars.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers would become, Invasion of the International Conspirators.

The Prisoner of Zenda would become, The Prisoners’ of the Vanni Concentration Camps.

Conan the Barbarian would become, Kohona the Humanitarian.

Born Free would become, Born in a Vanni Concentration Camp.

Missing in Action would become, Zero Casualties.

Kill Bill 2 would become, Kill Journalists.

ET would become, KP (Kevin Petersen).

Political Vacancies are now available in the “Democrazy Theocrazy Banana Republic of Idiot Island.”

2009-11-26T22:13:00.001+09:00

Now that elections are around the corner, a number of Political Vacancies are now available in the “Democrazy Theocrazy Banana Republic of Idiot Island.” Only opposition MPs, Patriotic Underworld Personages and Retired Peacekeeping Personnel will be deemed eligible to apply.

Given below are some of the vacancies:

1. Ambassador to the Bermuda Triangle.
2. Special Envoy to the Arctic Circle.
3. Ambassador to the South Pole.
4. Secretary of State to the Khyber Pass.
5. Special Representative to the Gaza Strip.
6. Permanent Representative to the Swat Valley.
7. Secretary General of Siberia.
8. Viceroy to the Christmas Islands.
9. Secretary to the Defence Secretaries Secretary.
10. Governor of Wooly mooly why call.
11. Mayor of Put the Kuddu Rip Poo.
12. Chief Minister of Nerdy Cuddle.
13. Sheriff of Full of Thieves Jungle.
14. Minister of Nation Building. (15 Vacancies)
15. Deputy Minister of Inland Fisheries & Ornamental Fish.
16. Minister of Bus Halts & Pavement Construction. (8 Vacancies)
17. Advisor to the Presidents Chief Advisor.
18. Chief of Staff to the Ministry of Peace.
19. Advisor to the President on Astrology, Asteriods and UFOs. (12 Vacancies)
20. Minister of International Conspiracies. (5 Vacancies)
21. Ministry of Zero Casualties and Satellite Images. (7 Vacancies)
22. Deputy Minister for Swine Flu & Dengue Mosquitoes.
23. Government Spokesman for Lies, Damned Lies & Statistics.
24. Minister for Welfare of Journalists & Media Personnel.
25. Minister of Welfare Holiday Camps & Internally Displaced Holiday Campers.
26. Minister of Monsoonal Rain & Cyclone Management.
27. Minister of Election Violence & Unnatural Disasters. (111 Vacancies)

Applicants are kindly requested to send in their CVs including the contact numbers of 2 non related family members on or before or after December 23rd 2009AD. A cheque for 5 million US Raypees should also be enclosed as a donation for the ongoing election campaign and mailed to the address given below.

His Hexaloonsy President Percy Bean,
Caretaker of the Democrazy Theocrazy Banana Republic of Idiot Island,
No. 9/11, Humbug tow tow,
Girl Face Groin,
Koolamboob,
Idiot Island.

With apologies to Humpty Dumpty…

2009-10-15T19:58:00.002+09:00

With apologies to Humpty Dumpty…

King Rogerproxy sat on a THRONE…

King Rogerproxy had a great FALL…

All the Kings Brothers…

And all the Kings Henchmen…

Couldn't put King Rogerproxy Together again…

Oh dearee me...

Dilshan with his 'Dil Scoop'

2009-10-08T20:13:00.000+09:00

The sentencing of J.S. Tissainayagam

2009-09-02T14:52:00.002+09:00

George Bernard Shaw once said, “Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.” (Remember Lasantha?). One is also reminded of words of the 19th century poet Heinrich Heine who said, “Whenever books are burnt, men also, in the end are burnt.”

The Dictatorship of Sri Lanka today is only the latest in a long line of Dictatorships worldwide who have tried to snuff out unpalatable ideas and comments by abducting, intimidating, beating and killing its journalists. J.S.Tissainayagam is one of the many such journalists who has been given a prison sentence of 20 years.

The first recorded victim of censorship was Socrates who, in 399 BC was forced to drink poison for ‘denying the gods and introducing new divinities.’ In China, in 213 BC, Emperor Shih Huang-Ti had all writing not pertaining to agriculture or medicine burnt. His target: Confucius’ thoughts. Present day China is no better.

During the last century, it was the communists who most systematically censored books and hounded their authors. Writers in every communist country from East Germany to Vietnam were forced into concentration camps. Boris Pasternak, Joseph Brodsky, Milan Kundera, Czeslaw Milosz and Alexander Solzhenitsyn were just a few. Hitler’s Germany burnt the books of Jewish authors and liberals, exterminating thousands in their notorious gas chambers and forcing others to flee. In Mahinda’s Sri Lanka, over 14 journalist’s, the majority of them tamils have been killed in the past 3 years. Many more journalist’s have been abducted, beaten and intimidated to keep them from writing the truth.
Sometime back the Government blocked access to the Tamilnet, but what the Government does not understand is that with the advance of technology, censorship has become obsolete. The truth is only a click away. All you need to do to read the Tamilnet is to go to a proxy site.
In today’s day and age it is no longer possible to stop the message or the truth getting out by killing or imprisoning the messenger.

If this sorry state of affaires continues, this country will be known the world over as, “The Autocratic, Dictatorial Banana Republic of Sri Lanka!”

Guess who is who?

2009-08-28T15:27:00.001+09:00

Genocide of Tamils by Sri Lankan Armed Forces

2009-08-27T18:01:00.001+09:00

Genocide in Sri Lanka

The Orwellian nightmare ‘1984’ is being recreated in Sri Lanka in 2009!

2009-08-25T14:20:00.001+09:00

The passage given below is taken from George Orwell’s famous dystopian novel “1984.” (Part 2, chapter 9)

Given this background, one could infer, if one did not know it already, the general structure of Oceanic society. At the apex of the pyramid comes Big Brother. Big Brother is infallible and all-powerful. Every success, every achievement, every victory, every scientific discovery, all knowledge, all wisdom, all happiness, all virtue, are held to issue directly from his leadership and inspiration. Nobody has ever seen Big Brother. He is a face on the hoardings, a voice on the telescreen. We may be reasonably sure that he will never die, and there is already considerable uncertainty as to when he was born. Big Brother is the guise in which the Party chooses to exhibit itself to the world. His function is to act as a focusing point for love, fear, and reverence, emotions which are more easily felt towards an individual than towards an organization. Below Big Brother comes the Inner Party, its numbers limited to six millions, or something less than 2 per cent of the population of Oceania. Below the Inner Party comes the Outer Party, which, if the Inner Party is described as the brain of the State, may be justly likened to the hands. Below that come the dumb masses whom we habitually refer to as 'the proles', numbering perhaps 85 per cent of the population.

Those of you who have read the book and have been living in Sri Lanka for the past three years will understand the similarities between the passage given above and what is happening in Sri Lanka today. For those who may have not read the book, just reread the passage given below with the changes I have made. (My changes are in capital letters).

Given this background, one could infer, if one did not know it already, the general structure of SRI LANKAN SOCIETY. At the apex of the pyramid comes MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA. MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA is infallible and all-powerful. Every success, every achievement, every victory, every scientific discovery, all knowledge, all wisdom, all happiness, all virtue, are held to issue directly from his leadership and inspiration. Nobody has ever seen MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA. He is a face on the hoardings, a voice on the RUPAVAHINI. We may be reasonably sure that he will never die, and there is already considerable uncertainty as to when he was born. MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA is the guise in which the UPFA chooses to exhibit itself to the world. His function is to act as a focusing point for love, fear, and reverence, emotions which are more easily felt towards an individual than towards an organization. Below MAHINDA RAJAPAKSA comes the PARTY SUPPORTERS, FAMILY MEMBERS & HANGERS ON its numbers limited to six millions, or something less than 2 per cent of the population of SRI LANKA. Below the PARTY SUPPORTERS, FAMILY MEMBERS & HANGERS ON comes the BUDDHIST CLERGY, which, if the PARTY SUPPORTERS, FAMILY MEMBERS & HANGERS ON are described as the brain of the State, may be justly likened to the hands. Below that come the dumb masses whom we habitually refer to as ‘THE SINHALA BUDDHIST MAJORITY,’ numbering perhaps 85 per cent of the population.

This is the sad state that this beautiful country has fallen to. To understand more read the full book. It can be read online by clicking on the following link,

http://www.literaturecollection.com/a/orwell/1984/1/

The joker...Catwoman & Batman at the BMICH!

2009-08-11T18:04:00.000+09:00

The many moods of President Bean

2009-08-06T18:45:00.002+09:00

President Bean and Wimal in Egypt

2009-07-31T17:38:00.001+09:00

Censorship in Sri Lanka!

2009-07-30T17:01:00.004+09:00

The family of 'BIG Brothers' are taking over every aspect of our lives...

The Witness

2009-07-29T13:19:00.003+09:00

There lies an eerie silence,
on the grassy fields pock marked
with craters scattered amongst the broken trees
and trampled flowers where,
twenty thousand died because they were,
in the wrong place at the wrong time.
You are either with us or against us!
If you remain on their side, you will die like dogs!
But if you come over to our side, you can
live like dogs in barbed wire camps!

That was the ultimatum, before the bombs
and shells and rockets began to fall.
Those responsible for these humanitarian atrocities,
are now heroes in the eyes of the vocal majority who
celebrated the death of the twenty thousand,
while the silent minorities silently wondered if they would be next!

The swine flu infected majority thought,
this was a war without witnesses.
But they did not count on one witness,
that was too high in the sky to be destroyed or killed!
Like they did to TV stations and journalists!
A witness that was too far away to be intimidated or abducted in,
‘Unidentified Four wheeled Objects!’
A witness that was beyond the range of multi barrel rockets and artillery!
A witness that could not be insulted by state media!
A witness that could not be bribed into withholding evidence!
The Eye In The Sky Saw It All!
Satellite evidence that only blind patriots and idiots would deny!
Those who survived, can rest assured that,
the world will never forgive or forget!

President Bean and friend

2009-07-09T19:12:00.002+09:00

Michael Jackson endorses the ‘Mahinda Chinthanaya’

2009-07-08T12:22:00.002+09:00

Breaking Noise: Sources close to the Jackson family claim that Michael Jackson fully endorsed the ‘Mahinda Chinthanaya’ before his untimely death. Jackson had told reporters, “I’m BAD…I’m BAD…but the ‘Chinthanaya’ is good!”

President Bean

2009-07-02T18:25:00.001+09:00

The Truth, The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth…

2009-06-25T14:53:00.004+09:00

(and may humanitarian lighting strike you if you don’t believe us)

Breaking News from Idiot Island Television (IIT) brought to you by Military Comedian Brigadiar Youliar Peenorkeeyokaara and Government Comedian Kehelmala Rambutang.

Idiot Island 2009 AD (20.40am)
Three Tranquil men…a butcher, a baker and a candle stick maker were captured in a tub by the Idiot Island Navy (IIN) while trying to escape to Tranquil Naadoo. The IIN recovered 50 loves of bread, 20 pounds of chicken beef and 150 candles that were hidden in the tub. Informed sources say that an investigation will be held to ascertain whether the bread, chicken beef and candles had been brought into the island during the period of the ‘If You’ll Don’t Shoot, We Wont Shoot Agreement.’

Idiot Island 2009 AD (21.10am)
It has been verified that Tourist Leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom’s pet dog Lassie Master, pet cat Garfield Master and pet parrot Polly Master were shot dead while trying to escape in an ambulance across the Pork Straits, 500 meters from Bacon junction! DNA tests prove beyond a doubt that Lassie Master was a dog, Garfield Master was a cat and Polly Master was indeed a parrot. A large consignment of dog food, cat food and bird seed was also recovered from the captured ambulance. Authorities believe that this consignment of pet food entered Idiot Island during the 3rd World War when Joypang was bombing the Pale Arbour, and not during the period of the ‘If You’ll Don’t Shoot, We Wont Shoot Agreement’ as stated by BooBeeSee, See & End and Helljayzee Raw.

Idiot Island 2009 AD (21.17am)
In news just in, an eye witness states that Tourist Leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom was teleported up to the ‘Starship Enterprise’ a few minute ago! The witness said that as armed jokers surrounded Tourist Leader Prebiocarrom, he spoke into a satellite phone and said, “Beam Me Up, Scotty!” Then a flash of light emanated from the Enterprise and engulfed the Tourist Leader. When the light faded away a few seconds later, there was no trace of Mr. Prebiocarrom. Efforts to contact Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock of the ‘Starship Enterprise,’were to no avail.

Idiot Island 2009 AD (22.56am)
Commandant of the ‘Treblinka Welfare Concentration Camp,’(TWCC) Major Himmler Heyadrich told reporters today, that the Tranquil Tourists of this camp should consider TWCC as a tourist resort, and their stay there as an all-expense-paid government holiday. “The barbed wire surrounding the camp, and the armed SS (Stinkerlees Soldiers) were there to protect the Tranquil Tourists from unscrupulous tour guides and inquisitive journalists,” said the commandant. Major Himmler Heyadrich also stated that he would leave no stone unturned in trying to provide 5-star-hospitality for all the holiday makers in the TWCC. Major Himmler insisted when asked by a reporter that a 7 course meal will be provided 3 times a day to each Tranquil Tourist for the next 26 years, courtesy of the Government of Idiot Island. Major Himmler also said that United Bankers Secretary General, Mr. Banking Boom who visited the TWCC had praised him for his efficiency in running the camp.

Idiot Island 2009 AD (23.46am)
General Polpot Funnyshaker today denied charges that 20,000 eggs had been broken to make omelettes for the heroic armed jokers fooling around in the north of Idiot Island. General Funnyshaker told reporters that not a single egg was broken while making omelettes. He further stated that his armed jokers had proved to the whole of Planet Mirth that they were the only jokers who could make omelettes without breaking a single egg. When asked by reporters about the thousands of egg shells that were strewn around the ‘Please Don’t Fire We Are Only Innocent Eggs Zone,’ General Funnyshaker said that those eggs were broken by the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium,’ to make omelettes for their armed jokers. In closing General Funnyshaker said, “What I have said is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…and if you all don’t believe me, may humanitarian lightning strike you all down and white vans abduct you all in the middle of the night!”

Jayzee of NasalRot

2009-06-24T19:57:00.002+09:00

Once upon a time, in the year 2009 AD, the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared to Jayasaf in a dream and said, “Don’t hesitate to take MIAree as your wife! For the child within her has been conceived through an ‘International Conspiracy’ while she was in the ‘Please Don’t Fire We Are Innocent Tranquils Zone,’ and she will have a son, and you shall name him Jayzee and he will save his Tranquil tribes people from the misery they have undergone at the hands of the Stinkerlees tribes people for over 61 hundred years!”

When Jayasaf awoke, he did as the ‘Agent of RAW’ had commanded and took MIAree and surrendered to a ‘Welfare Concentration Camp,’ surrounded by barbed wire and armed SS. Jayzee was born in such a camp, in a canvas tent in the town of Bretleehom, during the reign of King Adolf Rogerproxy, Dictator of Idiot Island. At about this time, three wise dignitaries from Western lands arrived in Koolamboo, the capital of Idiot Island, asking, “Where is the newborn King of the Tranquils? For we received news of his birth from satellite images, and have come to worship him and make an independent confirmation.”

King Rogerproxy was deeply disturbed by the satellite evidence from the ‘Eye in the Sky,’ hovering over Bretleehom; the sole witness to all that transpired in the Tranquil homeland towards the north of Idiot Island. So he immediately called a cupboard meeting. And when the hundred an eleven cupboard polytikboobees arrived he asked, “Did our intelligence comedians inform us where the King of the Tranquils would be born?”

“Yes Sir! No Sir! In Bretleehom Sir!” they all chroused.
Then King Rogerproxy sent three SMS messages to the three wise dignitaries, asking them to come and see him; at this meeting he found out the exact time and date that they received confirmation from the satellite. Then he told them, “Go to Bretleehom and search for the child. You will be allowed free access to all the ‘Welfare Concentration Camp,’ with no restrictions whatsoever. And when you find him, come back and tell me so that I can go and worship him too!”
After this interview, the three wise foreign dignitaries started their journey towards the north. And lo! And behold! The satellite appeared to them hovering over Bretleehom, and their joy knew no bounds! Entering the canvas tent where the baby Jayzee and MIAree his mother were, they threw themselves down before him, worshiping. Then they opened their presents and gave him a state-of-the-art satellite phone, a laptop with a high speed internet connection and a gift voucher to shop at the ‘OD HELL Warehouse.’

When they returned to their own lands in the West, they didn’t go through Koolamboo to report to King Rogerproxy, for an ‘Agent of the SeeHighHay’ had warned them in a dream to take a boat to Tranquil Naadoo and hop a flight home from there. After they had gone, the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared to Jayasaf in a dream. “Get up and flee to Tranquil Naadoo with the baby Jayzee and his mother,” the Agent said, “and stay there until I tell you to return, for King Rogerproxy is going to permanently rehabilitate the child and blame it on an ‘International Conspiracy’ to put the Kingdom of Idiot Island into disrepute.”

That same night, Jayasaf left for Tranquil Naadoo with MIAree and the child, and stayed there until he received further instructions from the ‘Agent of RAW.’ King Rogerproxy was furious when he learned that the three wise dignitaries had disobeyed him. Sending his SS to Bretleehom, he ordered them to permanently rehabilitate every baby boy two years old and under, both in the town and in the various ‘Welfare Concentration Camps.’ This humanitarian action of King Rogerproxy fulfilled the prophecy of the ‘Agent of RAW.’ The screams of anguish, the unrestrained weeping and gnashing of teeth for their permanently rehabilitated children was recorded by the ‘Eye in the Sky’ satellite and relayed to BooBeeSee, See & End and Helljayzee Raw who broadcast these images to every nook and corner of Planet Mirth.

King Rogerproxy and his hundred and eleven cupboard polytikboobees once again screamed till they were blue in the face, claiming that this was another ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Kingdom of Idiot Island. But the Mirthlings around Planet Mirth could not be fooled.

“Shame on you!” they said, and asked for an independent commission to look into the human wrongs committed by the SS, but King Rogerproxy rejected this outright. When King Rogerproxy eventually died, (some say of ‘swine flu’) the ‘Agent of RAW’ appeared once again in a dream to Jayasaf in Tranquil Naadoo, and told him, “Get up and take the baby Jayzee and his mother MIAree back to Idiot Island, for those who were trying to permanently rehabilitate the child are dead.

So Jayasaf returned immediately to Idiot Island with Jayzee and his mother. But on the way he got to hear that the new king was Rogerproxy’s son Nomaleproxy. Then in another dream, Jayasaf was warned (by who else) but the ‘Agent of RAW,’ not to go back to Bretleehom due to security reasons. So they went to live in NasalRot, just a stone’s throw away from WallHerWhatHer. Jayzee’s parent’s Jayasaf and MIAree registered themselves at the local police station, before they rented a small apartment after paying a five year advance. Jayzee went to the local international school and was a good student. He was called ‘Jayzee of NasalRot’ by all hi friends, and his enemies called him by many other names (but that’s another story). And so Jayzee and his parents lived happily ever after.

Quite an anti climax isn’t it? If you were expecting plenty of blood and gore and murder and mayhem, you should have switched on to ‘Idiot Island Television’ and watched ‘Humanitarian War’ instead!

Newspaper Headlines you would see, if the Dictatorship of Sri Lanka was in charge of the World Media

2009-04-27T18:58:00.003+09:00

“World Bank officials get down on their knees and plead with President Rajapaksa to accept 1.9 billion dollar loan.”

“Colombo central, Colombo north, Colombo east, Colombo west and Borella voters who voted for the UNP, are part of an ‘International Conspiracy’ to destabilise the government and stop the forward march of the armed forces says leaders of China, North Korea, Sudan, Libya, Iran and Zimbabwe.”

“50,000 LTTE terrorists killed and 1,00,000 injured, with zero casualties to armed forces and Tamil civilians says Military Spokesman.”

“Prabahakaran rescued by alien flying saucer during the new year ceasefire admits Military Spokesman.”

“World leaders beg President Rajapaksa to accept post of UN General Secretary, and request that Sri Lanka take over from America as the Global policeman of the world.”

“President Rajapaksa gets rousing welcome from American public, while recent Gallup poll shows Rajapaksa more popular than Obama.”

“LTTE fires multi barrel rockets and drops cluster bombs and napalm from Mig and Kafir jets, to prevent Tamil civilians from escaping from the ‘No Fire’ zone.”

“Daya Master says Erik Solheim and Prabahakaran were masterminds behind Mumbai attack.”

“Daya Master divulges that opposition leader Ranil Wickramasinghe instigated and personally led the attacks on the Sri Lankan embassies in Norway and Germany.”

“Daya Master admits LTTE was involved in attack on MTV/MBC TV station and the killing of Sunday Leader editor.”

“Daya Master tells interrogators that the LTTE were behind the abductions and killings of Tamil civilians in ‘White Vans.’

“Daya Master says that LTTE were involved in the killing of 14 journalists and the intimidation of 28 others during the past three years.”

“LTTE responsible for the killing of American President John F.Kennedy says Daya Master.”

“President Obama begs President Rajapaksa to send his Sinhala Army to take over from American troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.”

“75,000 American women to work as house maids in Sri Lanka.”

“World wide ‘Gallup poll’ shows President Rajapaksa more popular than Gandhi, Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela.”

“Tamil refugees say they are extremely happy living in camps surrounded by barbed wire and armed guards and plead with authorities not to resettle them.”

“Tamil refugees tell reporters they are honoured to live as second class citizens and said they will renounce the tamil language and learn sinhalese.”

“President Rajapaksa, Defence Secretary Gotabaya Rajapaksa and General Sarath Fonseka to receive Nobel Peace Prize.”

Famous Quotes And Their Relevance To Sri Lanka

2009-04-27T18:48:00.002+09:00

Famous Quote: "The matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers and carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand; most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it."
~ Morpheus, The Matrix
In Sri Lanka: This former ‘Democratic Socialist Republic,’ is now an ‘Autocratic Theocratic Dictatorial Banana Republic,’ run by a ‘Quadrumvirate of Brothers,’ who have the grandiose notion of forming a ‘Dynasty’ similar to those seen in ancient China. This ‘Gang of Four,’ should be the enemy of all freedom loving Sri Lankans. But what do we see instead? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters, farmers…the gullible majority, ready to do the biding of this ‘Gang of Four.’ They do not want to think for themselves; instead they want to be lead by the nose like they have been led for the past sixty-one years. They are beyond saving.

Famous Quote: "...History is replete with whispers of secret societies... The oldest is the Brotherhood of the Snake, also called the Brotherhood of the Dragon, and it still exists under many different names. The Brotherhood of the Snake is devoted to guarding the 'secrets of the ages' and the recognition of Lucifer as the one and only true God... It's secret symbol is the all-seeing eye in the pyramid.
~William Cooper (Author of "Behold a Pale Horse")
In Sri Lanka: The “Rajapaks Brotherhood,” also known as “The Gang Of Four” and “The Four War Lord Millionaires,” rule the country like it is their own personal fiefdom.

Famous Quote: "None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free. The truth has been kept from the depth of their minds by masters who rule them with lies. They feed them on falsehoods till wrong looks like right in their eyes."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Sinhala Majority’ is made to believe that once the LTTE is forced to cease conventional battle, the war will be over; that none of the Tamil civilian deaths in the north are due shelling by the armed forces, that no soldiers are killed or maimed, that all the destruction is by the LTTE etc. This has all been possible because journalists of the independent media have been killed, abducted, intimidated or gone into hiding; leaving the Government media to disseminate whatever tall stories it wants.

Famous Quote: Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it;
Do not believe in anything simply because it’s spoken and rumoured by many;
Do not believe in anything simply because it’s found written in your religious books;
Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your elders;
Do not believe in tradition because they have been handed down for many generations;
But after observation and analysis when you find that anything agrees with reason, and is conductive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.
~The Buddha
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes it if it appears in the Government media;
The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes it if the ‘Buddhist Clergy’ tells them so;
The ‘Sinhala Majority’ believes whatever the ‘Gang of Four’ tells them,
If you tell the ‘Sinhala Majority’ that there is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to destroy their religion, language and culture, they will believe it, because they are nothing but a bunch of xenophobes.

Famous Quote: "The greatest purveyor of violence on earth is my own government"
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
In Sri Lanka: The greatest purveyors of violence in the country are the Government and the LTTE.

Famous Quote: "Those of us who love peace must organize as effectively as the war hawks. As they spread the propaganda of war, we must spread the propaganda of peace."
~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
In Sri Lanka: Those who spread the propaganda of peace are branded as LTTE sympathisers, traitors and terrorists while some are abducted and killed.

Famous Quote: "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public"
~ Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States
In Sri Lanka: If you criticise the president, his brother or the army commander, you end up six feet under like Lasantha Wickramatunge, editor of the ‘Sunday Leader.’

Famous Quote: "I want to know who the men in the shadows are. I want to hear somebody asking them why they can be counted on to tell us who our enemies are, but they're never the ones to fight and to die." ~ Jackson Browne
In Sri Lanka: It’s the politicians and the Buddhist clergy who urge the gullible ‘slum dog’ village youth to fight and die, and they live in the lap of luxury while their sons and daughters are safely ensconced in foreign countries.

Famous Quote: "The most dangerous man, to any government, is the man who is able to think things out for himself... Almost inevitably, he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane and intolerable."
~ H.L. Mencken
In Sri Lanka: There are a few such people here as well. Some have been killed, some have been intimidated, some are in prison, some have migrated in fear of their lives and the rest remain silent because they fear death.

Famous Quote: "A country whose leader has the power to imprison any citizen, on his order alone, and hold them indefinitely, in military custody, without access to the courts, without a lawyer, without any charges, their fate determined solely by the leader's arbitrary whim -- that country is a tyranny, not a democracy, not a republic, not a union of free citizens."
~ Chris Floyd, The Moscow Times
In Sri Lanka: We are sure Mr.Chris Floyd has visited Sri Lanka recently or how could he have described it so accurately?

Famous Quote: "Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervour, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in seizing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For this is what I have done. And I am Caesar."
~ Julius Caesar
In Sri Lanka: The ‘Wannabe Caesar’ and his 3 brothers have done just that in this country. Like the Caesar of old, he better be aware of ‘The Ides of March, April, May, June, July etc.’

Famous Quote: "Military men are dumb, stupid animals to be used as pawns for foreign policy."
~ Henry Kissinger
In Sri Lanka: These dumb, stupid animals are used mainly as pawns and cannon fodder for domestic policy, especially to win elections.

Famous Quote: "War is a sociological safety valve that cleverly diverts popular hatred for the ruling classes into a happy occasion to mutilate or kill foreign enemies."
~ Ernest Becker
In Sri Lanka: It’s a local enemy (the Tamils) who are mutilated, killed, abducted and bombed into
smithereens.

Famous Quote: "Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervour - with the cry of grave national emergency. Always there has been some terrible evil at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it."
~ General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
In Sri Lanka: It’s the ‘evil Tamils who want a separate state’ at home, and an ‘International Conspiracy’ that wants to destroy the Sinhalese race, culture and religion.

Famous Quote: "Why of course the people don't want war ... But after all it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship ... Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger."
~ Hermann Goering, Nazi leader, at the Nuremberg Trials after World War II
In Sri Lanka: History is repeating itself in this country. Hitler’s Germany is been reborn as ‘
Mahinda’s Sri Lanka.’

Famous Quote: "The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth becomes the greatest enemy of the state."
~ Dr. Joseph M. Goebbels - Hitler's propaganda minister
In Sri Lanka: 17 journalists killed…more than 28 beaten up, abducted and intimidated, the countless others who have been imprisoned without a trial, the burning of MTV and destruction of the Sunday Leader printing press is ample proof that the truth is the greatest enemy of the Sri Lankan State.

Famous Quote: "We will export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defence of our great nation."
~ G. W. Bush, former President of the United States
In Sri Lanka: Rajapaksa and his brothers export death and violence to the four corners of the Island in defence of the ‘Rajapaksa Dynasty.’

Famous Quote: "There is no such thing as a Palestinian people... It is not as if we came and threw them out and took their country. They didn’t exist."
~ Golda Meir
In Sri Lanka: There are no such people as Hindus, Christians and Muslims in this country. Sri Lanka is a ‘Sinhala Buddhist’ Country.

Famous Quote: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."
~ Thomas Jefferson, American Declaration of Independence
In Sri Lanka: We hold this truth to be self-evident, that the ‘Sinhala Buddhist Majority,’ is more equal than the minority Hindus, Christians and Muslims. And they are endowed by their Creator, with the unalienable right to impose their language, religion and culture on all the minorities; for ever and ever, amen.

Walcum Yoo Toe Idiot Island

2009-04-27T18:42:00.002+09:00

From time in memorial, Idiot Island has been a popular holiday resort for thousands of mirthlings from countries like Amerrybum, Asstrailerhaa, Titaly, Joypang, Carryaar, Spawn, Noisy Land, Kanna Daa, Jemini, Fonz etc. An economic down turn that over took Planet Mirth in 2010 AD, has affected many on Idiot Island. The worst affected were the rural Idiot Islanders who decided to turn their houses and ancestral homes into ‘guest houses’ and ‘hotels’ to make ends meet. Reproduced below are four emails, sent to prospective holiday makers, informing them of the facilities they could expect when they arrive on Idiot Island: A land like no other!

Honoured Sir,
I am amazed by your entreaty for a room. I am happy to inform you I have two rooms with a vulgar balcony and excommunicating doors. I can also offer you for your convenience, attached litter rooms with scalding aqueducts.
For the youthful persons there are alluring ways, wild lifes, song and dunces, rustic revelries and very good hospital only 50 miles away. My charges are soo changeable to be all you can afford. If I am dear to you or your mistress, she could perhaps be reduced. I shall myself be strenuous for you, and my wife will mimic me. As for cuisine, my wife is an unapproachable tyrant of the kitchen. A satisfied guest wrote: “I will never to visit other stranger cuntrysides.” Come here soon and you can rest in peace.

Waiting attentively for you,
Rintin Da Elvis.
(Chief Execution Officer)

My Dear Sir,
I am very pleasing to retort to your asking for my hotel. I am happy that I am empty in the upstairs compartment from 23st of November to 5st December. You will be agreeable that in view of the services my figure is highly modest. There is hot and cold waters running on every floors. If you are wishing a female personage to render you services, we can provide one. Guarantee you money back she render you jolly good. Also boyish male personages we can provide you. Sorrowfully I cannot abide your canine companion, but my mother in law who live opposite house can put up with it.
If you will come here you will certainly be arrested by the local beauties. Me my wife and I will always be at attention. We will make your duration soo dear as possible.

Truly Faithfully,
Millyman Morrowgood,
(Managing Dictator)

Dear Sir or Madam,
Having freshly taken over the property of this notorious house, I am wishful that you bring your bag and baggage to my esteemed establishment. Standing amongst savage scenery with flaunting butterflies and songing birds the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French window in every bedroom affording delightful prospects! I give personal look to interior wants of each guest. Here we make sure shall be well
fedup and agreeably drunk. No drunking on full moon day because police catch all drunkers. Having once sampled our local fooding, you will surely wish to enlarge your stays.
We have numerous bedrooms with beds and full drainage. Our charges for weakly visitors are scarcely understandable! We also make peculiar arrangements for gross parties! Our motto is ever “Serve You Right!” Coming soon before bedrooms full up!

Watching and waiting,
Cunred Hilltown,
(CEO & Joint Dictator)

Dear Madam,
I am honourable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is I have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I can give. I can though give you a good washing with pleasure in a most clean river down by the riverside with no person to see your naked things. I insist that you will like this.
Your question also to receive beds for twins. For this I have great seeking made without any OK as well from neighbour next door because his wife to this man gives him many childs. This man admits no knowledge about beds for twins. Part of you may sleep in this place while your extras to the neighbour house next door go. It is only throwing a stone away.
All must eat in this haus the cheapest food. We are sorry no beefs or chicken beefs or pig beefs because we are all vegetables here. The fish your man hopes to catch is always in the river. He catch them we cook them you eat them. Me and my better half are hoping to do you soon.

Yours Fully Faithfully,
Jaarj Makkal.
(Owner & Joint Profiteer)

Idiot Island

2009-03-16T20:03:00.003+09:00

3 is Company?

2009-03-16T19:56:00.002+09:00

President Bean of Idiot Island continued

2009-03-16T19:41:00.004+09:00

Quotes about Alcohol

2009-03-16T19:34:00.005+09:00

“I never drink water because fish fuck in it.” - W.C. Fields

“Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her” - W.C. Fields

“Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.” - W.C. Fields

“Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero must drink brandy.” - Samuel Johnson

“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” - Hunter S. Thompson

“Well, between scotch and nothing, I suppose I’d take scotch. It’s the nearest thing to good moonshine I can find.” - William Faulkner

“I was so drunk I thought I was Peter O’Toole.” - Richard Burton

“I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.” - Dorothy Parker

“Sometimes I wish I’d went through those good times stone cold sober so I could remember everything—but then again, if I’d been sober the times probably wouldn’t have been worth remembering.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

“There’s no such thing as bad whiskey. Some just happen to be better than others.” - William Faulkner

“Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” - Oscar Wilde
“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like, who drinks as much as you do.” - Dylan Thomas

“The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.” - William Blake

“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” - Winston Churchill

"The gin and tonic has saved more Englishmen's lives and minds, than all the doctors in the Empire." - Winston Churchill

"Find out the name of the brand so I can give it to my other generals." President Lincoln, when informed that General Grant preferred to guzzle whiskey while leading the troops.

Two alligators from Diyawanna Oya

2009-03-16T19:29:00.003+09:00

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp in Diyawanna Oya near the Parliament.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you
can be so much bigger than me. We are the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big alligator, what have you been eating machang?"
"Politicians" replied the small alligator.
"Hmm… well, where do you catch them?"
"On the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament."
"Same here. Hmm… how do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Pajeros and wait for one to unlock the vehicle door. Then I jump out, grab them on the leg, shake the shit out of them, and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You are not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there isn’t anything left but an asshole with a cell phone."

A Brief History Of Idiot Island On Planet Mirth (April 1st 2009 AD)

2009-03-16T19:09:00.005+09:00

On Planet Mirth there is a funny little island called ‘Idiot Island.’ This funny little island, which lies under a humongous country called Hindeeyar, looks like a piss drop that is just about to fall off the tip of a penis. At last count there was a population of 20,672,981 people living on the island (give or take a couple of thousand who are permanently rehabilitated or are made to vanish by aliens who travel around the island in White Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects). In the North of Idiot Island there live another 3,00,000 of the Tranquil tribe, who have taken an extended holiday in the Fullofthieves Jungle. It has been claimed, that these Tranquil holidaymakers are having a whale of a time, dodging malted barren lockets and custard buns dropped from the sky. Peacekeeping Comedian Brigadier Uliar P. Norkiyokaara told reporters that this was a part of an International Conspiracy, to tarnish the image of the Utopian Paradise. He stated that International Conspirators were using low flying satellites to drop these fireworks devices on innocent Tranquil tribes people who were holidaying in the Fullofthieves Jungle. He further stated that a special police team had been set up to capture these satellites and bring them to justice.

Idiot Island has had a long and colourful history with plenty of murder and mayhem that has continued even in present times. From time immemorial, it has been known by many names. Piss drop under Hindeeyar, The last drop under Hindeeyar's Tip, Island of Hypocrites’, Land of the Xenophobes, etc, but never as "That Blasted Island!" Idiot Island boasts of a curious 3500-year-old culture, and its population are followers of five distinct cults. They are the Boobees, Himboobees, Crossboobees, Moosboobees and Parleymutts.

The Boobees are the majority cult, consisting of 69% of the population, with 18% Himboobees,7% Moosboobees and 6% Crossboobees. The Parleymutts are a breed of their own. They all hate each other’s guts, except when it comes to election time, when the Parleymutts promise the ‘moon and the stars’ in return for the votes of the gullible Idiot Islanders. During elections, the Polytikboobees follow the theory of an Earthling called Abraham Lincoln, who lived many years ago on Planet Earth. The theory (with a small twist) being, “You can fool some of the people on Planet Mirth all of the time; and all of the people on Planet Mirth some of the time; but you can fool all the Idiot Islanders, each and every time!”

Idiot Island is an ‘Utopian Paradise’ ruled by a caretaker called Jollyass Seesaw, along with his three Righteous Brothers. This ‘Quadrumvirate of Brothers’ (called the ‘Gang of Four’ and ‘War Lord Millionaires’ by some), rule Idiot Island with eight velvet gloves; just like the ‘Triumvirate’ of Caesar, Pompey and Crassus, who ruled the Roman Empire on Planet Earth hundreds of years ago. This ‘Gang of Four’, is now in the midst of a ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ against the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium’, who have been agitating for a separate ‘Tranquil Tourist Resort’ in the North and East of Idiot Island, for the past 26 years. Agitating on one side is the majority Stinkerlees tribe, and on the other side is the minority Tranquil tribe. The Stinkerlees tribe say that Idiot Island belongs to them because they arrived first on the island, and the Tranquil tribe says that part of the island should belong to them because they arrived second on the island, a couple of years later. None of the two agitating tribes believe in ‘Consultation, Compromise and Consensus.’ They instead believe in ‘Murder, Mayhem and Media suppression’, which both tribes have practiced to perfection with outstanding results. The caretakers of both these tribes are front-runners for the ‘Ignoble Prize for Peace’, and many pundits agree that the prize should be jointly awarded to Jollyass Seesaw caretaker of the Stinkerlees and to Rolypoly Prebiocarrom caretaker of the ‘Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium’ and sole representative of the Tranquils.

Idiot Island has had more elections than any other country on Mirth, with probably the exception of Bolivia on Planet Earth. The former caretaker Queen Cleopottaya was popularly known as “One Eyed Jane”, “That Crazy Woman”, “The Mummy”, “Man’s Best Friend”(the female version) etc. (You should have heard what her enemies called her). She preferred men with moustaches or beards, but would settle for anything with two legs. Her late brother was named after the airport and looked like a 747.
The present caretaker has a smarmy look, and goes around the country wearing a white outfit with a purple towel around his neck, banging his chest and shouting ‘MOTHERLAND’ until he is blue in the face! The purple towel is worn as a precaution, so he can stuff it in his mouth when he finds himself making remarks like, “I will permanently rehabilitate all the Tranquils” when various human wrongs organisations inquire from him about the situation of the Tranquil tribe holidaying in the Fullofthieves Jungle. Caretaker Seesaw has achieved cult status amongst the majority Stinkerlees tribe since he started the Humanitarian Crusade, and the repeated chanting of the prayer, “Jollyass Seesaw is the one God, and Atilla Da Goatproxy is his Prophet!” can be heard daily from many parts of the island except of course in the North and East of Idiot Island where the Tranquil tribe who are in the majority their chant, “Prebiocarrom is the Sun God, and Prebio Junior is his Successor!”

Idiot Island was first colonized by a Prince and his followers from Hindeeyar, who were considered persona non grata in the land of their birth (In other words it meant that, ‘They were kicked out of Hindeeyar!’) They arrived on Idiot Island as refugees about 3500 years ago (give or take a couple of hundred years). Following in their footsteps in much recent times were the Vietnamese boat people and thousands of Cuban refugees from Planet Earth, who fled the Infidel Castro’s regime for the safe haven of America and other free countries.
The refugee Prince and his Stinkerlees refugee followers became Boobees later (much, much later). Next to arrive were the Tranquil tribe. They had various skirmishes with the Stinkerlees tribe, and mainly inhabited the North and the East of Idiot Island. The Moosboobees came as traders from Muddled Eastern countries, while some came from countries like Hindohaysia and Mollyhaysia.

After them came the Portlygees, Dutchygees and Britygees who governed Idiot Island each in their turn for about 450 years. The Portlygees introduced the Crossboobee cult, Portlygees music and several Portlygees words to the local language. The Dutchygees introduced printing and built excellent canals, which now function as sewers. The canals are worth a visit. A perfumed handkerchief is usually sufficient to combat the stench. On a good day it is possible to spot a few dead cats floating (if you were on Idiot Island in the late 1980s AD, you could have seen many permanently rehabilitated bodies floating as well). Don't forget to take your digital camera!

The Britygees introduced Democrazy, the Parlymutts system and the Britygees language while teaching the Idiot Islanders to switch from wearing the loincloth, to the trousers. Today most men wear Britygees style clothes and it might be difficult to spot a man wearing the national dress. Most Idiot Islanders wear a long cloth wrapped around their waists. As underwear is not usually worn with it, do not be tempted to lift somebody’s long cloth!
In 1948 AD, the Britygees went back to Britybum and left the Idiot Islanders to run riot. Some Idiots called this Indepen Dunce. A few others called this a watershed in the history of Idiot Island. In the Britygeees language it meant that, “The shit hit the fan!”

After the Britygees left, the “All Tribes Party” ruled Idiot Island. This party consisted of people from all the tribes. The country meandered along smoothly until 1956 AD, when a new party called the “Stinkerlees Only Party” came to power. This party was made up largely of the majority Stinkerlees tribe, who had the grandiose notion that Idiot Island belonged only to them; and that they had exclusive rights over the Himboobees, Crossboobees and Moosboobee minority cults.
For example,
a) The Stinkerlees language of the was made the national language
b) It was compulsory to know the Stinkerlees language if you wanted to be promoted in the public sector
c) The Boobee cult was given pride of place over the other cults
d) The killing of cattle for sale as meat, and liquor was banned every full moon, while all film halls remained closed, and all forms of entertainment were frowned upon on this day (Funnily enough, the ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ continues unabated every full moon with hundreds being permanently rehabilitated; this is because on Idiot Island, the lives of cattle is more precious than the lives of human beings.)
e) Private Crossboobee schools were nationalized
f) At the university entrance exam, Stinkerlees students where given preference over Tranquil students

These were just a few of the idiotic laws forced on the minority tribes and cult followers of Idiot Island. The leader of the “Stinkerlees Only Party” was the father of the previous caretaker, Queen Cleopottaya. He turned Idiot Island on its head with his chauvinistic policies, which favoured the majority Stinkerlees and infringed on the rights of the minority tribes and cult followers. A Boobee cult priest permanently rehabilitated him about three years later, which gave the minority tribes some solace (talk about poetic justice). But things didn’t get any better. His wife cried a river of crocodile tears and was elected as the next caretaker of Idiot Island. (People probably voted for her to stop her whining.) Things went from bad to worse when Stinkerlees youth in the south revolted against her caretakership. They were peacefully suppressed. In other words it means that over ten thousand youth were permanently rehabilitated. (If the present caretaker Seesaw had been caretaker then, he would have called this a ‘Humanitarian Crusade.’) A few years later the minority Tranquil youth followed suit. This culminated in the hollercurse of July1983 AD, when the majority Stinkerlees tribe went on the rampage and permanently rehabilitated over 2500 Tranquil tribes people, while lighting fires to their houses and business establishment’s. What followed was a 26-year ‘Humanitarian Crusade’, which has ripped Idiot Island apart. There was a shaky “If You Don’t Fire We Wont Fire” agreement that was in existence for about three years. Then a giant wave also known as a Soonarmee, struck three quarter of the coast of Idiot Island the day after Crossboobeemas of 2004 AD. Ironically that day happened to be a full moon day (a day sacred to the majority Stinkerlees and followers of the Boobee cult). Over fifty thousand Idiot Islanders were permanently rehabilitated. They were from the Boobee, Himboobee, Crossboobee and Moosboobee cults…(Only nature treat’s everyone equally). No one knows if any Parleymutts were permanently rehabilitated.

The ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ between the Stinkerlees tribe and the Tranquil tribe resumed again in 2006 AD. Hundreds of Stinkerlees and thousands of Tranquil tribes people have been permanently rehabilitated due to the humanitarian agitation by both tribes. A wise old Idiot Islander, told reporters that there was nothing sacred or holy about this ‘Humanitarian Crusade.’ He said that it was nothing more than, “Our tourists permanently rehabilitating their tourists and their tourists permanently rehabilitating our tourists!” He further stated that, “Agitating for Peace was like Jiggy Jiggying for Virginity!” Hmmm…that seems quite a shrewd observation for a person who comes from an island of idiots…we wonder why he isn’t ruling the island instead of those four idiots from the same family. It must be because, just like ‘Birds of a feather, flock together”, “Idiots eventually end up voting for Idiots.” If this trend continues, the wise old idiot will one day be the ‘Greatest caretaker that never ruled Idiot Island!’

So what does the future hold for the Idiot Islanders? Will they shed their idiocy and become wise someday? Will the ‘Humanitarian Crusade’ bring peace? Will the ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Utopian Paradise succeed? Will a low flying satellite rescue tourist leader Rolypoly Prebiocarrom? Will aliens in ‘White Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects’ (WUFOs) continue to make Tranquil tribes people vanish at random and permanently rehabilitate them? Will journalists and editors continue to be permanently rehabilitated, and TV stations burnt down by ‘International Conspirators?’ Will the headlines on deadlines be accurate, this time around? Will there be more ‘Final Crusades?’ Will the number of ‘Nation Building Parleymutts’ exceed twenty by years end? Will the number of “Mansion Building Parleymutts” exceed 225 by the end of next year? Will seaside bummers target innocent sunbathers? Will the legalization of polygamy, and the banning of bigamy bring an end to the population explosion? Will pigs’ fly and Hell freeze over? Will forced vegetarianism be a solution for violence? When do we break for lunch? Can I have a beer before lunch? Will there be prawns with the rice and curry, or fried beef? What’s for desert? Ice cream? Fruit Salad?
“What? No beef? No beer?”
“The management regrets that due to it being a full moon day, there will be no beer or beef today. Sir, how about some vegetables with rice while lunch is being prepared? Why don’t you watch the ‘breaking news’ of the dropping of custard buns on a tranquil tourist resort by air force jets permanently rehabilitating over 40 tourists?”
“Vegetables? The whole lot of you are a bunch of bloody vegetables if you ask me! The Gods must have been crazy…or drunk or stoned when they created you all!”

Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…will be…the future’s not ours to see…. Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…will be! The answer my friend…is blowing in the wind…the answer is blowing in the wind! Que Sera! Sera! What ever will be…The answer my friend…is blowing in the…
Only time will tell…so let’s wait and see.

President Bean of Idiot Island conti...

2009-03-16T18:27:00.002+09:00

President Bean of Idiot Island

2009-03-16T18:05:00.003+09:00

I Laughed Aloud Twice When I Heard About The Attack On The Sri Lankan Cricket Team

2009-03-16T17:59:00.002+09:00

Yes, I laughed aloud twice when I heard that a gang of armed men in Lahore, Pakistan had attacked the Sri Lankan cricket team.

I laughed not because I was a fan of the Pakistan, Australian and South African teams, and not a fan of the Sri Lankan team; but because some years back when the Australian team refused to tour Sri Lanka due to the unstable situation in the country, and the South African team cut their tour short after a bomb blast in Colombo, the blind patriots and cricket pundits in the country started taking pot shots at the Australians and the South Africans. To them, bomb blasts and violence was as natural as the plain tea and rice they had everyday. If you happened to die from a bomb blast, it was due to fate and something beyond your control. And God have mercy on the country or individual who said that Sri Lanka was not a safe country. The wrath of the majority would be turned against that country or individual.

The second reason I laughed was because, even after India had done a threat assessment and decided that it was not safe for its cricket team to travel to Pakistan; and even after the Mini World Cup had been cancelled in Pakistan by the ICC after another threat assessment had been done, the SL Cricket Board and the SL Government thumbed their noses at the ICC and India and decided to tour Pakistan. The result was the attack on the SL Cricketers, and if not for a brave Pakistani driver, there might have been a bigger disaster than what took place.

I wonder who is laughing now? Most probably the South Africans and the Australians along with Shane Warne who were vilified in the local press a few years ago.
There were probably two reasons that the SL Cricket Board and the SL Government agreed to tour Pakistan. In the case of the SL Cricket Board it was for monetary reasons, and in the case of the SL Government, it was to thank the Pakistani Government for selling them arms to fight the LTTE and the Tamils. It looks like the SL Cricket Board was only thinking of filling its empty coffers, and the SL Government was willing to put its cricketers at risk to curry favour with the Pakistani’s and snub India (who incidentally don’t sell offensive weapons to Sri Lanka).

There seemed to be quite an outpouring of shock and grief in Sri Lanka over what the cricketers had to endure in Pakistan. The irony and the hypocrisy of it all is that non of these very same people seem to give two hoots about the hundreds of Tamil civilians who are being killed and wounded in the north due to the bombings by the SL armed forces. One can only imagine the hue and cry that would have been raised if even one Sinhalese cricketer had been killed in the attack. So far the SL Government hasn’t directly blamed the LTTE for the attack like it does in Sri Lanka for anything that happens from the lack of rain, to the increase of petrol prices to the killings of editors, journalists and burning of television stations. They have also not called the attack ‘An International Conspiracy to tarnish the image of the Government’ like they have done in the recent past.

What nobody knows is whether the attack on the SL cricketers by an unidentified Jihadists group, could have been a ‘proxy attack’ on behalf of the LTTE or the Government of India. In the case of the LTTE it could have been in revenge for the killing of Tamil civilians from incessant shelling and multi barrel rocket attacks by the SL Government, and in the case of India, it could be in revenge for the Mumbai attacks, which were planned in Pakistan. This is mere speculation, but anything is possible in this wonderful world we live in today.

One good thing that may come out of the attack is that in future if countries like Australia, South Africa, England or New Zealand decide to cancel a tour due to security reasons, countries like Sri Lanka will think twice before trying to vilify those countries. People in the above mentioned countries value the lives of their citizens more than in third world countries like Sri Lanka. If such an attack, which occurred against the SL cricket team, happened to any of the teams of the above-mentioned countries, heads would have rolled and people responsible for organising the tour would have voluntarily resigned. But in Sri Lanka, its business as usual with bribery, corruption and kickbacks from arms deals going full speed ahead.

If there was money to be made, the SL Cricket Board would organize a tour to even the North Pole, and the SL Government would send the cricket team to Somalia or Afghanistan if those countries were willing to sell them arms and ammunition to fight the LTTE and the Tamils.

The way things look at the moment it’s more than likely that the 2011 World Cup will be held in Australia and New Zealand. As long as maximum power is not devolved to the Tamils of Sri Lanka, as long as India does not give autonomy to the Kashmir population, and as long as various Jihadist groups operate in Pakistan, there is going to be security threats to all cricket teams that tour these countries. Future cricket tours will probably take place in neutral venues like Dubai and Abu Dhabi, and Asia wont be able to host a World Cup for a very long time. Like they say, its better to be safe than sorry. (Thank God for Cable TV).

ps: A story doing the rounds is that the attack on the SL cricketers targeting players like Sangakara, Mahela, Samaraweera and Vaas was masterminded by Sanath Jayasuriya so that there would be no one left to appoint as captain except for himself, is nothing but a malicious rumour. Also the targeting of Tharanga Parnavithana who may have been a threat to Jayasuriya’s slot as an opening batsman is also just another rumour.
“No such rumours or attacks will deter me from playing until the 2039 World Cup,” said Sanath Jayasuriya when questioned by a reporter.

INTERESTING BOOKS THAT MAY NEVER EVER BE PUBLISHED

2009-03-16T17:23:00.005+09:00

"I Was The First Tamil President of Sri Lanka" by Barakamesh Obamasingham.

"An advanced guide to Hedging” by Ashantha de Mel.

"The Mihin Air Miracle” by Sir Richard Branson with a forward by Hon.Sajin Vaas

"Lap Dog Millionaire" by Wimal Weerawansa.

"Mahinda is the one God & Gotabaya is his Prophet" by A.H.M. Fowzie & Alavi Moulana.

"The Mahinda Chinthanaya in comparison to the Tripitaka, Bible, Koran & Rig Veda" by Champika Ranawaka & Udaya Gamanpillai.

"Attaining Nirvana Through The Mahinda Chinthanaya" by Dr.Rajitha Senaratne.

"Humanitarian War & How I Solved The Unemployment Problem In Sri Lanka" by Mahinda Rajapaksa.

"Join the Army and loose a leg" by a disabled soldier.

"Fighting for Peace is like F**king for Virginity" by Kumar Rupasinghe.

"Eat, Drink and be Merry, for tomorrow is Poya" by Athuriliye Rathna Thero.

"War Lord Millionaires" by the Rajapaksa Brothers.

"If at first you don’t ‘Secede’ try and try again" by Vellupillai Prabahakaran.

"Doctor Hoo – My Rupavahini Debacle" by Dr.Mervin Silva.

"Round the world in 365 days" by Rohitha Bogollagama.

"The War On Tourism – How to bully tourists into visiting Sri Lanka" by Milinda Moragoda.

"Seaside Bummers" by a former child soldier, now a child prostitute in Hikkaduwa.

"The Art of Indiscriminate War – Having fun with cluster bombs & multi barrel rockets" by General Sarath Fonseka, with a forward by Sun Tzu.

"Holidaying in NO Fire Zones & Welfare Holiday Camps" by a Tamil civilian.

"Mettha, Muditha, Karuna, Upeksha & Pillayan" by Karuna, Upeksha Swarnamali & Pillayan.

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness" by Gotabaya Rajapaksa, General Sarath Fonseka and the Jathika Hela Urumaya.

"The Greatest President That Never Ruled Sri Lanka" an Autobiography by Ranil Wickramasinghe.

"War without casualties, low flying satellites and other tall stories" by Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara.

"Headlines & Deadlines – Popular April Fools Predictions" by Keheliya Rambukwella.

"NO BALLS & WIDES – A Complete Guide To Fast Bowling" by Dilhara Fernando.

"ALL MY BALLS WERE YORKERS" an Autobiography by Chaminda Vaas.

"THE BOYS PLAYED PRETTY WELL" an Autobiography by Arjuna Ranatunga.

"Captaincy and the 2039 World Cup" by Sanath Jayasuriya.

"Chucking For Wickets" by Muttiah Muralitharan.

"HOW MANY MORE FINAL BATTLES?" by a Gullible Sri Lankan.

"The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But The Truth" by Roopa Vaahinee & Daley Noise with a forward by Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara & Keheliya Rabukwella.

"Lies, Damned Lies & Statistics" by Brigadiar Udaya Nanayakara, Ajith Nivaard Cabraal & Keheliya Rabukwella.

"Gullible Sri Lankans & Swiss Bank Accounts " by Sakvithi Ranasinghe & Mahinda Rajapaksa.

"Neutral Umpiring " by Kumar Darmasena & Gamini Silva with a forward by B.C.Cooray.

"Alien Abductions & Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects" by Gotabaya Rajapaksa & General Sarath Fonseka.

"The Four Brothers of the Apocalypse" by Rajapaksa and his Righteous Brothers.

clowns from the 'Land of the Blind' 7

2009-02-25T22:23:00.002+09:00

clowns from the 'Land of the Blind' 6

2009-02-25T22:17:00.002+09:00

clowns from the 'Land of the Blind' 5

2009-02-25T21:54:00.002+09:00

Clowns from the 'Land of the Blind' 4

2009-02-25T21:48:00.002+09:00

Mister Rogerproxys Monty Barren Lockets and Custard Buns (a tribute to Lasantha Wickramatunge)

2009-02-25T21:43:00.003+09:00

The short satire that appears below is a tribute to Lasantha Wickramatunge, who was killed by the attack dogs of cowards who could not stomach the truth. I did not know him personally, but I admired his fearless reporting and enjoyed reading his many exposes about corruption in the government and the military. Terrorism in Sri Lanka raised its head in the 1970s and again in the 1980s and has continued unabated since. But state sponsored terrorism has plagued this country since independence. State repression by various governments has been the cause for most of the country’s ills since 1948. When State Terrorism is defeated, other forms of terrorism will die a natural death. While thinking of the depths this country has sunk to since independence, I was reminded of George Orwell’s famous novel “1984.” The characters in his novel were lucky in that they had to contend with only one villain who was called “Big Brother.” But the unfortunate people of this country have to contend with a “Quadrumvirate of Brothers” and their armed goons. Let us sincerely hope that this “Autocratic Theocratic Dictatorship” that we live in today, will someday soon become a “Democratic Republic” where each one of us is guaranteed the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Mister Rogerproxys Monty Barren Lockets and Custard Buns

Idiot Island on Planet Mirth (2016 AD):

The Global Recession on Planet Mirth has reached an all time low. Foreign exchange has dwindled to a trickle and Idiot Island is on the verge of bankruptcy due to a long drawn out ‘Humanitarian War’ that has entered it’s 35th year. The Dictatorship decides to take the bull by the horns and makes drastic cost cuts in all its ministries.
The four telephone operators at the Dictators Palace are the first to be laid off, and the hotline is taken over by the Foreign Ministers 10-year-old niece who had arrived on the Island for the Christmas holidays from the Peoples Autocratic Dictatorship of Shyna.

“Hello, operator! Have there been any messages for me?”
“Just a minute, let me check…er…no nothing here. Oh wait here’s one. It’s from a Mr.Prebio…a Mr.Prebiocarrom. He says…”
“Prebiocarrom? Are you sure its…”
“Yes, Prebiocarrom, that’s right. The message is…”
“But I don’t know any Mr.Prebiocarrom!”
“Yes, its Prebiocarrom. Let me spell it out for you. P-R-E-B-I-O-C-A-R-R-O-M. Do you want the message or don’t you? I’ve got other calls here and I’m all alone at the switch board as the other four girls have been laid off!”
“What is the message?”
“It says you are to remove your monty barren lockets and custard buns from Killernoosee by…”
“Monty barren lockets and custard buns? Are you sure it says monty barren lockets and custard buns?”
“Yes, that’s what the message says. Why, don’t you have any monty barren lockets and custard buns in Killernoosee?”
“Are you certain…maybe you made a mistake?”
“No…let me spell it out for you…its M-O-N-T-Y B-A-R-R-E-N L-O-C-K-E-T-S
and C-U-S-T-A-R-D B-U-N-S…to be removed from K-I-L-L-E-R-N-O-O-S-E-E. He wants you to remove them by…by…tossday…or is it thosayday, I can’t make it out. One of the other girls took down the message before she was laid off. Anyway he wants you to remove them from Killernoosee either by toosday or thosayday or something or the other, otherwise he’s going to…”
“Yes? Otherwise he’s going to what?”
“Can you hold on, I’ve got another call.”
“Hello? Operator? Hello? Hello?”
“Oh, hello! Thank you for…for holding Mister Rogerproxy…”
“Roger who? Oh, never mind…could you please just read the rest of the message?”
“It says you are to remove your monty barren lockets and custard buns from Killernoosee by tossday or thosayday or whatever or he will bum Koolumber into smitheroons!”
“Oh shoot! I’m sorry!”
“Sorry for what?”
“This message isn’t for you Mister Rogerproxy. It’s for a Mister Goatproxy.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s for a Mister Goatproxy. That’s what it says. I didn’t take the message my self. It was taken by one of the other girls. I guess it just got into your inbox by mistake. Sorry. No messages for you today, Mister Rogerproxy. Have a nice day! Byeeee!

Interview with a Comedian

2009-02-25T21:26:00.003+09:00

Idiot Island-Planet Mirth, Thosaday 2016 (44.34 GMT):

Idiot Island- - Planet Mirth ( 2016 AD)

Christianne AmanPourmeacupoftea of See & End interviews Military Comedian Brigadiar Youliar Peenorkeeyokaara (Who will henceforth be known as Brig YP) to find out the latest news about the quarter of a million Tranquil tribes people holidaying in the Fullofthieves jungle in the north of Idiot Island.
The Liberal Tourists of Tranquil Elysium (Who will henceforth be known as Tranquil Tourists) have been fighting for a separate Tranquil Tourist Resort for the past thirty years on Idiot Island.

See & End: Brig YP, is it true that several Tranquil tribes people have caught cold, bronchitis and pneumonia and some have died due to the heavy rain showers that your Humanitarian forces have directed towards the Fullofthieves jungle?

Brig YP: That’s a lie. It does not rain on Idiot Island. When it does occasionally do, the rain is directed to where the Tranquil Tourists are operating. We have designated a 3500 square kilometre ‘No Rain Zone’ (also known as the ‘Dry Zone’) and we urge all Tranquil tribes people including wild animals and any living creature of the Fullofthieves jungle to move into this area to avoid being drenched by ‘Humanitarian showers.’

See & End: What have you got to say about rumours that warn of Tranquil tribes people in the Fullofthieves jungle facing a severe shortage of essential items?

Brig YP: This is incorrect. We have sent several truck loads of umbrellas and rain coats to the Tranquil tribes people. We have also sent them a supply of soap, shampoo and towels so that if by chance they do get caught in any showers, they could take a refreshing bath and dry them selves off. Yesterday we sent a fresh supply of vitamin C and cough syrup to be used by those who have caught cold, bronchitis and pneumonia.

See & End: The Tranquil Tourists website tranquilnet.con claims that several Humanitarian soldiers have contracted bronchitis and many have died of pneumonia due to the heavy rain showers directed towards them by the Tranquil Tourists.

Brig YP: That is a bare faced lie. Our heroic Humanitarian forces are immune to these diseases. They have also been equipped with quality umbrellas and rain coats.

See & End: What about thunder and lighting?

Brig YP: Our Humanitarian forces wear thick rubber soled shoes and they have been instructed not to stand under trees when there’s thunder and lighting. We will capture the whole of the North Pole Land in a few days and no showers or thunderstorms will stop our progress. We shall march through hill and dale…through valleys and mountains…Westward Ho! Sorry about being carried away, what I meant to say was, ‘North Pole Land! Here we come!’

See & End: So who is responsible for the showers that have been falling on the Tranquil tribes people in the Fullofthieves jungle?

Brig YP: There is an ‘International Conspiracy’ to push rain clouds using giant fans towards areas where the Tranquil tribes people are holidaying to discredit the forward march of our heroic Humanitarian forces. We have also received reliable information that the weather Gods are conspiring against us and assisting the ‘International Conspirators.’ We recently observed a low flying satellite that tried to rescue the Tranquil Tourist Leader, Rolypoly Prebiocarrom.

See & End: Just one final question. Sources close to us say that you had rice and curry for lunch today. Would you like to comment?

Brig YP: This is incorrect. It’s a categorical lie. This is not just a lie, but also a damned lie! If they show you statistics, don’t believe them! This is another ‘International Conspiracy’ that has been hatched to discredit our forward march. I have satellite images to prove that I did not have rice and curry for lunch. I actually ordered a pizza with mozzarella cheese and spicy chicken…. with…. a sprinkling of…. and…

See & End: Thank…thank you…Brigadier Youliar…that will be all.

You are my Brother and you are my Sister

2009-02-25T21:21:00.003+09:00

If you are red, black, white or yellow,

Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim or any other,

Vegetarian or teetotal, doesn’t matter,

Eat beef, pork, chicken and drink, smoke and get high,

All the better,

Make love, like music and enjoy life to the fullest,

Then you’re my kind of person,

You’re my brother and you’re my sister.

Xyklon B was humane?

2009-02-25T21:16:00.002+09:00

The landscape is poxed with craters,
Women and children and old people are,
Not gassed to death by Xyklon B but,
Bombed to bits by screaming jets.

The jungle is one big concentration camp,
Auschwitz, Buchenwald, Dachau, Treblinka,
All rolled into a thirty something,
Square kilometre ”No Fire Zone”,

2,50,000 Jews of Haysia,
On the Idiot Island under Hindiyar,
Saturated with rockets, shells and cluster bombs,
A crude but effective “Final Solution”,

The brainchild of the Rogerproxy Brothers,
In hindsight Xyklon B seems humane,
But no one cared then,
And no one cares now.

What if?

2009-02-25T21:10:00.002+09:00

What if….
the roles were reversed and the Tamils were the majority and the Sinhalese were the minority; and Prabahakaran was President of the country and Rajapaksa was the leader of a terrorist group called the ‘Liberation Lions of Sinhala Eelam’ (LLST) fighting for a separate Sinhala state in the South?
answer:

1) There would probably be a war similar to the on going one.

2) President Prabahakaran and his supporters would euphemistically call the war a ‘Humanitarian Operation.’

3) Rajapaksa’s suicide bombers would be called ‘Bloodthirsty Lions.’

4) ‘Orange Vans’ would abduct Sinhala civilians suspected of being Lion terrorists.

5) Tamil journalists who report about the war would be abducted, beaten and killed; and maybe a few newspaper presses and TV stations would be torched.

The list is endless. I leave it up to the readers’ imagination.

What if….
the LTTE tried to form a separate state in Hell?
answer: The devil would probably seek political asylum in Sri Lanka.

What if …
Bin Ladan owned Sri Lanka and Hell?
answer: He would rent out Sri Lanka and live in Hell!

What if…
the sale of cigarettes and alcohol was banned in Sri Lanka?
answer: People would turn to smoking illegal cigarettes and drinking kassippu (moonshine). The Government would lose billions in tax revenue. More people would fall ill by consuming substandard liquor.

What if…
it was compulsory that all the people in Sri Lanka had to attend a temple, church, mosque or kovil at least once a day?
answer: There would be peace and harmony in Sri Lanka…there would be a heaven on earth….paradise lost will have been found ( ha! ha! ha! only in your dreams! For the time being, your dreams are your own, so dream on until the ‘Rogerproxy Government’ finds a way to censor your dreams!)

What if…
Sri Lanka ruled the World?
answer:
1) Sri Lanka would invade any country that sold meat and alcohol and kept film halls open on the full moon poya day!

2) It would be illegal to slaughter cattle for consumption on full moon poya days, but legal to bomb suspected terrorists targets with cluster bombs and multi barrel rockets.

3) Only Buddhist programmes would be shown on televisions around the world, 8 days a week, 465 days a year.

4) American women would work as housemaids in Sri Lanka.

5) The rupee would be the World currency.

6) Sinhala would be the lingua franca of the world.

7) Sri Lanka would issue green cards to people around the world, to live and work in the country.

8) Amaradeva and Nandamalini would out sell Eminem and Madonna in record sales! There would be an influx of economic refugees and political asylum seekers in the country!

9) People around the world will celebrate when Baramesh Obamasingham (a minority Tamil) is voted President of Sri Lanka.

10) The nations allied to Sri Lanka would be: Zimbabwe, North Korea, Somalia, Sudan, Cuba, Iran, China ect. The ‘Axis of Evil’ nations would be India, America, all EU nations, Australia, Canada and any country that had a substantial amount of Tamils living there.

What if…
Chandrika Kumaranatunga had been a man, and Ranil Wickramasinghe had been a woman?
answer: It wouldn’t have made much of a difference!

What if…
50 odd years ago, Prabahakaran’s father had worn a condom?
answer: There would still be a Tamil problem!

What if…
Sharks used fishing rods to catch humans?
answer: They would use currency notes as bait! (Preferably US$ or Euros)

What if…
the eating of pork was no longer banned in Islamic countries?
answer: Pigs would seek asylum on the moon, and the rest would become extinct in a few years.

What if…
Every time a Politician told a lie to the people or broke his promise, a ‘White Van’ abducted him and beat him up unmercifully?
answer: This could happen only in your dreams or only if God was on the side of the general public and operated his own fleet of ‘White Vans.’

What if…
Sri Lanka was invaded by Aliens?
answer: The Government would contact Will Smith! Politicians would call it an International Conspiracy to discredit the government and do away with our sovereignty and territorial integrity! The silent minority would welcome the Aliens with open arms!

What if…
At independence in 1948, there were no majorities or minorities, only 5million Buddhists, 5 million Hindus, 5 million Christians and 5 million Muslims?
answer:
1) There would be no ‘Humanitarian War’ today.
2) All religions would be given equal status instead of one religion being given pride of place.
3) The Sinhala, Tamil and English languages would all be national languages.
4) No single community could dominate the other communities and impose their language, religion or culture on the others.
5) There would truly be ‘Unity in Diversity’ in the country and there would have been no need for me to start a blog called srilankalandoftheblind.blogspot.com

What goes around, comes around

2009-02-25T21:02:00.002+09:00

Once upon a time on Planet Mirth,
On the Idiot Island under Hindiyar,
That hung like a piss drop from a penis,
There lived a race of xenophobic idiots,
Who believed that the Idiot Island,
Belonged only to the majority idiot race.
So they danced with joy and lit fireworks in the streets,
As screaming Mig jets triumphantly dropped cluster bombs on the jungle,
Where women, children and old people, of the minority race,
Tried to flee in a thousand directions while shrapnel tore at their heels.
The children who survive this ‘Humanitarian Operation,’
Will come back one day as human bombs to avenge their loved ones.
Then the women, children and old people of the idiot race,
Will pay with their lives for sins of the past,
Committed by their fathers, uncles and brothers.
What goes around, comes around,
The Mig bomb begets the suicide bomb,
And both races will rest in pieces.

The Greatest Show on Planet Mirth

2009-02-25T20:58:00.002+09:00

Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages,
Come one! Come all!
And watch this clowning spectacle,
Now showing daily, from morning till night!
So don’t just sit there looking stupid!
Switch on your Idiot Island television and see,
‘The Greatest Show on Planet Mirth!”
Even better than the gladiatorial contests,
Of ancient Rome on Planet Earth,
When Caesar gave his people bread and circuses.
Now see the Caesar of Idiot Island give his people rice and war!

See the death defying stunts of Mig pilots,
As they drop their cluster bombs with pinpoint accuracy,
On unarmed women, children and old people.
See multi barrel rockets light up the night sky,
Like a 31st night fireworks display,
As they speed towards their random targets.

See the funny Defence Comedian and the
Funny Government Comedian, tell tall tales,
About low flying satellites, international conspiracies,
And alien abductions by UFOs.
(Also known as ‘Unidentified Four Wheeled Objects’ or ‘White Vans’).

See the 110 clowns all dressed in white say,
“Yes Sir! No Sir! Ulcer!”
As they jump through hoops to the command of
The Caesar of Idiot Island.

See the ‘Humanitarian’ shelling of unarmed civilians!
See the ‘Humanitarian’ killing of an editor!
See the ‘Humanitarian’ burning down of a television station!
See the ‘Humanitarian’ killing of 9 journalists and the beating up of 28 more!

See all this and more!
8 days a week! 465 days a year!
Only on Idiot Island television,
In the Idiot Island under Hindiyar!

No, I Said

2009-02-25T20:04:00.003+09:00

They took me to the battlefield and showed me the rows upon rows of dead women, children and old people and told me they were enemy combatants. Showed me dead cattle and told me they were enemy cattle. Showed me the destroyed houses and deserted streets and said, “See how successful our ‘Humanitarian Operation’ is! ”Not a single civilian or soldier was killed or injured.

“No,” I said, in my newspaper column the next day. “There is nothing successful or humanitarian in calling dead women, children, old people and cattle enemy combatants! And what do you gain by bombing their villages and towns into the stone age?”

A few days later they abducted me in a white van, and beat me unmercifully. Locked me up and threw away the key. Said I was a traitor to my race and an enemy sympathiser. Put a gun to my head and said, “See how successful our ‘Humanitarian Operation’ is!”

“No,” I said, “And there was a flash and a bang and I was dead.” The next days headlines would read, “Enemy sympathiser shot while trying to escape.”
Yes my dear killers, my murder along with the thousands of other unnamed and unarmed civilians will go down in history as a successful ‘Inhumanitarian Operation.”

How the Sri Lanka Cricket Team Could Have Avoided A Four One Defeat At The Hands Of The Indians?

2009-02-25T19:27:00.003+09:00

On February the 3rd 2009 at about 4pm (Sri Lanka Time), a friend sent me an sms asking, “What is happening to the match?” This was the time that Shewag and Uvaraj were taking the Sri Lankan bowlers apart in the 3rd day night match at the R.Premadasa Stadium. As I was not a Sri Lankan cricket fan, (I’m a fan of Australia, South Africa and Pakistan. But I think I’m beginning to like this new look Indian team) I gleefully replied, “Sri Lanka is Bowling, and India is batting.” A minute later I received another sms that said, “Isn’t there any way we could have avoided this?”

YES THERE WAS! The simple solution is to have handled this cricket tournament the way the Sri Lanka Government has been handling the war against the Tamils…oops sorry, what I meant to say was ‘Humanitarian Operation’ to save the Tamils. And that is to look at all their problems as nails that have to be hit over the head with a hammer.

All the Sri Lanka Cricket Board needed to do was take a leaf out of the book of the Sri Lanka Defence Ministry.

1) The Cricket Board could have asked the Indian cricket manager to call over at the Cricket Board.

2) The Cricket Board secretary could then have warned the Indian manager that if his team scored more than 150 runs in any of the 5 one day matches, it would be detrimental to the players health.

3) If these instructions were not followed, and the Indian team continued winning, about twenty armed men could have stormed the Taj hotel at about 2 am in the morning and set fire to it. (The Taj is where the Indian team resides during each tour to Sri Lank).

4) If the Indian team still kept on posting 300 plus scores, four assassins on motor bikes wearing full faced helmets could have been sent to assassinate the Indian coach in broad day light as he was driving his vehicle to the grounds, and call the killing an ‘International Conspiracy’ to tarnish the image of the Cricket Board.

5) The last resort would have been to abduct a few of the star Indian cricketers in ‘White Vans’ and beat them up so that they couldn’t bat or bowl.

May be in future home tours, the Cricket Board may resort to the above rules when playing against opposition that is stronger than them. One tends to wonder if any of these rules were put into practice prior to the last match against the Indians when the Lankan team won a consolation victory.

(A story doing the rounds that the Sri Lankan selectors have included local umpires Kumar Darmasena and Gamini Silva as their 12th and 13th players for the World Cup squad is nothing more than a malicious rumour)

Anyway, congratulations Dohni and the team for a great tournament. Here’s hoping that your team reaches the semi finals in 2011 World Cup along with the Australian, South African and Pakistan teams.

A look at present day Sri Lanka through famous quotes slightly changed

2009-02-25T19:13:00.003+09:00

Points to ponder for the majority in Sri Lanka:

Famous Quote: Truth is the first casualty of war!
In Sri Lanka: Apart from Truth, Journalists, Newspaper Editors and TV Stations are the first casualties of war!

Famous Quote: Hatred ceases not by hatred, but by love; that is the eternal truth!
In Sri Lanka: Hatred ceases not by hatred, nor by bus bombs or MIG bombs, nor by fire bombing of TV stations nor the killing of journalists, but by the maximum devolution of power, that is the eternal truth!

Famous Quote: It isn’t over until the fat lady sings!
In Sri Lanka: It isn’t over until the PTA (Prevention of Terrorism Act) is abolished; high security zones done away with, checkpoints dismantled and the armed forces confined to their barracks! (Otherwise how can you say that the War…oops sorry, I meant to say ‘Humanitarian Operation’ is over?)

Famous Quote: Those who live by the sword will die by the sword!
In Sri Lanka: Those who live by the pen will be killed by four assassins on motor bikes, and those who live by the camera will have their TV station fire bombed!

Famous Quote: You may lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink!
In Sri Lanka: You may say the war is over, but can you get the rebels to lay down arms?

Famous Quote: Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses!
In Sri Lanka: There is no Democracy in Sri Lanka, but Jackasses have been worshiping Jackals here for over 61 years!

Famous Quote: I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death, you’re right to say it!
In Sri Lanka: If you say what the government doesn’t agree with, be ready to be killed, beaten up, abducted and have your camera equipment smashed to smithereens!

Famous Quote: Nietzsche said, “God is dead. Everything is now possible!”
In Sri Lanka: Lasantha and the ‘Free Media Movement’ is dead, everything now is possible! (eg: Bribery, corruption, shady arms deals, intimidation and abduction of Tamils, Hilarious casualty figures ect.)

Famous Quote: There is no smoke without a fire!
In Sri Lanka: Very true…but who started the fire that burnt down the MTV/MBC TV station?

Famous Quote: The known devil is better than the unknown angel!
In Sri Lanka: The known terrorist in the north is better than the unknown former terrorist who is now a member of parliament?

Famous Quote: There are lies, damned lies and statistics!
In Sri Lanka: There is the Lake House Newspapers, Rupavahini and The Sri Lanka Broadcasting Corporation!

Famous Quote: When you kill one man you are a murderer. When you kill ten, you are a monster. And when you kill ten thousand, you are a hero!
Sri Lanka: When you kill a bull for meat on a full moon poya day, you are fined
Rs.50,000 and imprisoned. On this very same day when you bomb the north with MIG and Kafirs and Multi Barrel Rocket Launchers, you are considered a hero! What a funny situation indeed?

Famous Quote: Guns don’t kill people, people kill people!
In Sri Lanka: Bus bombs are placed by people on the ground and cluster bombs are dropped by people in the sky!

Famous Quote: A stitch in time saves nine!
In Sri Lanka: Burn a TV station and kill an Editor and you will have the rest of the Journalists eating out of your hand!

Famous Quote: An eye for an eye!
In Sri Lanka: A suicide bomb for a MIG bomb!

Famous Quote: No man has the right to govern another man without the others consent!
In Sri Lanka: It is the sacred right of the Government in power to rig elections to its advantage and intimidate opposition voters!

Famous Quote: In the land of the blind the one eyed man is King!
In Sri Lanka: In the land of the deaf, dumb and blind, the man with the ‘Red Towel’ around his neck is Dictator!

Clowns from the 'Land of the Blind' 3

2009-02-25T19:05:00.002+09:00

Clowns from the 'Land of the Blind' 2

2009-02-25T18:56:00.002+09:00

Clowns from the 'Land of the Blind'

2009-02-25T18:26:00.003+09:00

A ballad for my family

2009-02-25T18:18:00.003+09:00

My mother she said we would never be free,
My father said someday we would,
My brother said we had to fight to be free,
My sister said you would be killed.

My mother said there was no freedom of speech,
My father watched government news,
My brother fled north to escape from white vans,
My sister she painted her nails.

My mother she died when a shell hit our house,
My father was abducted and killed.
My brother he fought in the jungles up north,
My sister said things weren’t that bad.

I wonder if mother in heaven is free,
Does father now watch BBC?
Will brother be free to come home one day?
My sister said lets wait and see.

We Shot The Lasantha, And We Also Burnt The MTV (sung to the tune of ‘I Shot the Sheriff’)

2009-02-20T20:26:00.004+09:00

You have heard of the ‘Doobie Brothers,’ and the ‘Bellamy Brothers.’ Now put your hands together Ladies and Gentlemen…for ‘Rogerproxy and the Righteous Brothers,’ who will perform their new ‘hit single,’ We Shot The Lasantha, And We Also Burnt The MTV (sung to the tune of ‘I Shot the Sheriff’) the harmonizing is done by the ‘Mahasone Balakaya Singers’ and the ‘K9 Choir of Vienna.’

We Shot The Lasantha, And We Also Burnt The MTV
(sung to the tune of ‘I Shot the Sheriff’)
By Rogerproxy and the Righteous Brothers

We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV.
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV.

All around in ‘The Land of the Blind,’
They are blaming our ‘Gang of Four’.
They say they want to bring us in guilty,
For the killing of ‘Lasantha’,
And burning of the ‘MTV’.
But we say:

We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV,
but we swear it was not in self-defense, (it was just to teach the media a lesson.)
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV,
and we say it is a minor offense…(an International Conspiracy)

Lasantha always hated us;
For stealing the ‘Tsunami Aid’ and ‘Crooked Arms Deals’.
He exposed are dirty deals in the ‘Sunday Leader,’
So we said ‘Kill him before he exposes more!’
So we said ‘Kill him before he exposes more!’
We say:

We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV,
but we swear it was not in self-defense, (it was just to teach the media a lesson.)
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV,
and we say it is a minor offense…(an International Conspiracy)

Lasantha was on his way to the office,
To expose all our dirty deals.
So we shot, we shot him down.
We say:

We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV.
We shot the Lasantha, and we also burnt the MTV.

10 Commandments for Barrack O'Bummer also known as "Things thou shall not CHANGE!"

2008-12-20T20:55:00.002+09:00

1. Thou shall not paint the “White House” BLACK!

2. Thou shall not order piano manufactures to paint the white piano keys black!

3. Thou shall not change or prohibit words starting with ‘black,’ like black eye, blackhead, black hole, black jack, blacklist, black market, black sheep, blackguard or blackmail!

4. Thou shall honour thy father and mother and all the non-black voters who voted you President!

5. Thou shall not appoint the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Secretary of State or Louis Farrakhan Commander of the US Armed Forces!

6. Thou shall not address thy wife Michelle as “First Momma” or “First Bitch” but as “First Lady” in the time honoured tradition!

7. Thou shall not change the slogan “In God We Trust!” on dollar bills to read “In O’Bummer We Trust!”

8. Thou shall not have talks with Iran, Cuba or North Korea without pre-conditions!
e.g. (Beer and Bourbon during morning discussions on “Weapons of Mass Destruction,” Cuban cigars and brandy after lunch and a few well rolled joints and some Iranian Hashish during discussions after lunch!)

9. Thou shall not smoke grass or snort coke in the “White House!” (outside the White House is ok though!)

10. Thou shall build a temple to venerate the Goddess “Oprah Winfrey” who helped nullify the “Bradley Effect” with the “Oprah Effect!”

These 10 Commandments I have given thee. Follow them well or be ready to be a one term President if you don’t! Now go forth and multiply or do whatever it is you US Presidents do!
The Lord has spoken!

Barrack O'Bummer: The first half black/half white President of USA

2008-12-20T20:09:00.004+09:00

Barrack O’Bummer (sounds Irish doesn’t it?) was elected the 44th President of the United States of America by the electoral college on November 5th 2008. People the world over are calling Barrack O’Bummer the 1st Black President of the USA!

Are these people blind or crazy or both? Barrack O’Bummer’s mother is white and his father (a Kenyan) is black! A child gets half his chromosomes from his mother and the other half from his father! In my book that makes Barrack O’Bummer the first half black/half white President of the USA!

For those people around the world who hate America and have branded it a racist country, the election results prove that the vast majority of Americans are not racist! The only way Barrack O’Bummer could have won was with a majority of the white votes. The Black and Hispanic votes would not have been enough to win him the Presidency. The white voters of America proved the world wrong, and the “Bradley Effect” did not come into play after all!

For those of you who do not know what the Bradley effect is:

(The Bradley effect, less commonly called the Wilder effect, is a theory proposed to explain observed discrepancies between voter opinion polls and election outcomes in some US government elections where a white candidate and a non-white candidate run against each other. Instead of ascribing the results to flawed methodology on the part of the pollster, the theory proposes that some voters tend to tell pollsters that they are undecided or likely to vote for a black candidate, and yet, on election day, vote for his white opponent. It was named after Tom Bradley, an African-American who lost the 1982 California governor’s race despite being ahead in voter polls going into the elections.)

The 64 million dollar question that has been doing the rounds since Barrack O’Bummer’s victory is, “Will Barrack O’Bummer paint the White House, Black, and rename it the Black House?” Well the answer to that is, as Barrack O’Bummer is half black/half white, he will probably paint one half of the “White House” black and keep the other half white, and rename it the “Half Black Half White House!”

The other question doing the rounds is, “Will Barrack O’Bummer bring a law that will force piano manufactures to paint all the white keys on pianos black?” The logical answer to that is, What part of Barrack O’Bummer brain is his most dominant side?

His black side or his white side? If it is his white side, he will leave the pianos as they are now with all white keys, and black keys for the sharps and flats! But if his dominant side is his back side, oops sorry, I meant black side, then he would probably have all the white keys painted black and the black sharps and flat keys painted white!

Lets keep our fingers crossed! Who knows what is going on in his half white/half black brain? I wonder which side of his brain is the more dominant? The left side or the right side? The black side or the white side? Is the black side the right side and the white side left or vice versa? Hmmm...another 64 million dollar question!

Breaking News just in: All Black Women in the USA are shaving their pubic hair off in support of Barrack O’Bummer’s election as President! Their message to the world is, “READ OUR LIPS! NO MORE BUSH!”

I’m fed up to the eyeballs with the love fest that the media has been having with Barrack O’Bummer for the last 20 or so months. In all these many months, Barrack O’Bummer has been talking the talk from north to south and east to west. Now that he is President, its time that he starts walking the talk! The time for pretty speeches is over, and the hard work begins now!
Lets see if Barrack O’Bummer has got what it takes or he falls flat on his face!

Only time will tell. Till then, “God Bless Barrack O’Bummer and the Democrats!” And God Damn John McCain, Sarah Palin, Fox News and the Republican and Independent voters!”